Precaution or deceit? - Long distance romance question

United States
April 19, 2012 4:08am CST
Recently, someone I care for has just gotten out of, what I believe to be, a bad relationship. She met a guy online, through facebook actually, and they both hit it off really well. This was about two...maybe three years ago? Well, they had dated a bit then, but things didn't quite work out the right way, despite the strong feelings that they both confessed to feeling for one another. Near the beginning of the year, back in January it was, if I remember correctly, she told me that she was going to get back together with him. I was happy for her, of course, but wary at the same time. I'm no stranger to long distant relationships, as I'm in one myself at the moment, but what worried me was that this guy hadn't seemed to take any notion of..making the relationship /real/. They talked online, but not offline. Some days he wouldn't even get online to check in, and I could tell that this kind of pattern was taking its toll upon my friend. So one day, I confronted her about this, and asked her what was going on. She said that she was fine with how things were, and that she understood the following things: 1. He was often busy with work, school, and taking care of his little girl, as well as a friend that depended on him due to her illness. 2. He lives in Canada, and she here in the US, and due to money being a little tight, he couldn't afford international minutes on his phone plan. 3. His internet connection wasn't always reliable, so he didn't know when he would be able to log on to talk, or how long he would be able to stay on. 4. Because of this, he couldn't use skype or anything else like this to call her. 5. He doesn't believe in using his real last name online. 6. He refuses to share any sort of picture with her online for privacy reasons. I could tell that this wasn't good for her. The light that used to be so prominant in her eyes had faded considerably, and she nearly stopped coming out with me and our other friends because she needed to be "online in case he was, so she wouldn't miss him". Eventually, I decided to find out what was going on for myself. I found out that, while he swore up and down he cared for her, sometimes he would stay offline because he was afraid he would find her to be mad or upset because of his absence. This all seemed fishy to me. My friend decided to end the relationship, despite how much it hurt her to do so, because she felt like she couldn't trust him. He wouldn't show her his picture, or reveal any personal details such as his real name or revealing his voice, but he wanted to meet her in person just the same. Now I have to ask, does this seem like he's being overly precautious because it was an online relationship that was turning into something more real, for her anyway, or does it seem like he has something that he wants to hide?
7 responses
• Jacksonville, Florida
20 Apr 12
Honestly as much as I do not want your friend to be sad I do think these are excuses. I think she is going to be even more sad in the future if she keeps going with him. It sounds like bad news to me. I understand money can be tight and such but if he really wanted to make it work he would do everything he could to do so. Most likely he is hiding something. Your friend deserves better and I seriously hope she lets him go so she can find better. No one deserves to be avoided or ignored, that is not caring about the person. I truly hope she sees the truth before she is completely heart broken...
• China
20 Apr 12
hi, i happen to in the same satuation with your friend, but my gay would like to share name pitures webcam family with me, though i donnot know if all of that information are right, we havenot met each other until now, almost a month has past, we keep chatting on line, and sometimes i cannot find him, he has my phone number but never call or message me.
@WakeUpKitty (8707)
• Netherlands
19 Apr 12
I don't know this guy his situation but the reasons your friend gave sound plausible to my ears. I don't know when someone is talking aobut a long distance relationship but I don't think it's any if you don't meet or share or are married or so. I am married, my husband lives in Africa, I am living in the Netherlands. For us it's not possible to have contact daily (too expensive) his only internet option is a cybercafe, connection is seldom great (so skype is difficult) and it all depends on money as well what you can afford. I know by experience that if you live alone and have to take care of yourself days go fast, which doesn't mean you don't share thoughts about your partner. But fact is.. if this is breaking up your friend, if she can't deal with the situation (which does sound hopeless and futureless in my ears)it's better to quite. There surely will be a good reason why he doesn't want to share pics. I think she deserves happiness so she should go for that.
@soulist (2987)
• United States
19 Apr 12
His behavior is very questionable. If they have been together off and on for years why wouldn't he tell her his real name or even his real picture! Why should she meet him in person if he isn't being honest with her. Everything about him is odd and scary I would advise her to not trust him. How can she be so understanding of him never being online but she couldn't possibly miss him to go out with her friends for some fun.
@vertu007 (683)
• Romania
19 Apr 12
Long distance relationships are not easy. I've been in one, and I am in one now but we see each other at least every other weekend. Sometimes we spend a whole month together it depends. If he had something to hide sooner or later it would turn up. That's a thing I learned about relationships that the truth always comes out. Maybe he had some good reasons for his behavior
@pjha1975 (214)
• India
19 Apr 12
Hi there xYuureiHei... I think there was something not right about the way your friend's long distance bf was presenting himself to her. There didn't seem to be any openness/trust in that relationship. If he had felt the same way for her as she felt for him, I am pretty sure he would've figured out a way to meet her in person along with being completely transparent & honest with her about his personal details, his family etc... While one is in long distance relationships, one has to exercise caution. But, at the same time, if one is interested in making the relationship real & is working for the long term, the concerned couple need to meet in person & really spend quality time with each other. On top of that, they need to be open & transparent to each other. This was not the case in your friend's case. She made the absolute right decision to break off the relationship...
@Mashnn (4503)
19 Apr 12
His behaviour is very questionable that if I was the one in this kind of relationship, I would have ended it almost immediately. First, there is no way he will be busy that he cannot spare one or two minutes to talk to someone that he cares for. The other stories about internet connection and the rest are all made up stories to try and justify his deeds. Even though he does not like his photos been displayed on internet, there are other ways that he can use to send them privately. Your friend need to get real and realize that this guy is not the right person for and most probably, he is only interested in using her for his personal gains.