Trying so hard but getting nowhere fast

United States
August 15, 2012 2:46pm CST
I've been living with Jim for the last year and a half, and we intend to marry, BUT I don't think I want to take the relationship to the next level now. Currently we are struggling to pay fines that he ran up by not paying a bill; he'd ignore the notices but now the judge has had it and is demanding half of each fine each paycheck (a fine a month)! And this is the bad part-currently I'm unemployed, the car payment is due this check (and car insurance), and the bank accounts are overdrawn! I'm not sure I can continue to live like this-I really thought we'd be ok, but he refuses to talk to the judge to work something out! He wants me to handle everything, but because we aren't married yet, I cannot handle his business (nor do I want too!). I'm at my wits end-we won't have a car, food, or any kind of life like this! I turned 40 last year, but my life keeps getting worse the older I get!
3 people like this
10 responses
• United States
15 Aug 12
only you know what your willing to take with him. if I were to be with someone who neglects the bills i could not take it. just because i like to make sure everything is paid and then i can worry about the rest. some people are no good about paying bills. maybe you can ask him to let you budget the bank accounts. I would sure hold off the wedding though. marrying debt is out of the question for me. good luck with this.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Aug 12
I AM the one that manages the bills; we just have too many bills for the money he brings home! If I was working, it might be better, but probably not. He has proven to me one to many times that he just doesn't grasp simple arithmetic, and now I'll be the one handling tomorrow's issue. I'm sure the judge doesn't want to hear from me (since it's not my debt), but I don't think I can handle losing our car if we don't pay.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Aug 12
I hope she will take time to hear what you have to say. it is not that hard for her to do if she has any compassion at all.
• United States
16 Aug 12
The judge is a second-generation law enforcement nut. Unfortunately, Jim will need to be the one to face the music because I don't think he understood how little we have-it was "pay this or he goes back to prison". All we needed was 2 more stinking days to pay for the car...his next check comes two days after the payment is due, But it has a GPS on it, so if we don't pay on time, it gets shut off. And I don't think they'll be understanding...
• United States
15 Aug 12
Be so careful getting married to money problems. Seriously, let him get it settled up first. Is he the one who wants to get married? If so, he should clean up his money problems first. You don't seem to be in any rush yourself. You don't deserve to work harder because of a partner - and I don't mean 100% of the time. There will be times in anyone's relationship, no matter how healthy, where one of the partners has to do all the work (or it seems). But if you see hardship before you're even married, I'd think about it a little longer.
• United States
16 Aug 12
You do get tied up in your spouse's financial issues when you get married. They're your problems too. Does Jim know how you feel? I'm not thinking he'll make a total turn around but maybe he'll do more to fix the problems. I think you know the answer to your own question, but you're like me - you need someone else to confirm it. Sometimes these feelings feel wrong because we were brainwashed into thinking love will solve all problems. Then you grow up and know that just isn't so. It's tough enough to keep a marriage going you don't need to start with a problem like that.
• United States
16 Aug 12
Sound like you get attracted to the same type of guys as I do ;-) You're mother is right unfortunately. I don't mind taking care of myself but I do NOT want to take care of someone else, especially if they have terrible money managing habits. I don't know - do you have to start all over again. Can you just not get married and not pay his way out of trouble??
• United States
17 Aug 12
I really DON'T need to be married at this point-once I divorced, I stated I would never consider it again. My first marriage was so difficult emotionally for me-I was constantly accused of having an affair if I spoke to another man! I was cut off from my friends and only permitted to associate with his friends. But when one of them felt the need to lecture me on being a "proper Christian wife" when I was home on medical disability, that's when I knew that I had had enough. It took me a few more years, but I did ask for a divorce (which wasn't granted for five YEARS!), and we began to live more separate lives even though we resided together. I never got to have a real wedding-I was married in someone's living room, and had only my parents and sister in attendance. I didn't even have a formal wedding dress, just something that fit over my bulging belly (I was 3 months pregnant at the time). I finally got to try on a formal wedding dress-it's the dress of my dreams! but I just don't want to keep struggling. I'm ready to be a real grown up, I just hope that Jim does too.
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
16 Aug 12
It doesn't sound like he is very mature. I think you are right to wait. One thing that people need to do is be assured that both parties are on the same page before signing paper. You are going to be legally responsible for bills and stuff you two make together. Putting everything off on you is very irresponsible too. It is 50-50. I would be giving this alot of thought. Do you want to be a babysitter or a wife?
• United States
16 Aug 12
I have done both, in my first marriage. I just cannot bear to think that this will be my life, if I marry him. I said to him today that he had to get his finances straight before I married him, and of course, he set his jaw and then went and laid down to take a nap. According to his brother, Jim was always bailed out of financial messes and divorces by his parents. I don't think he ever even paid for his last apartment without help from his parents. He just doesn't seem to want more from life-he works overnights at Walmart, but I was led to believe that he was bringing home more than he is. He is wasting money on buying insurance for cancer...I sincerely doubt they'd pay any claim if it's known that you smoke 2 packs a day! This is tearing me up-I KNOW what I should do, but I'm in an even worse place now than when I took up with him. I have no car, I have no job, and very little money. I've been looking for a job-so far, I have had two face-to-face interviews: one at the local convenience store for a management position (never called me back but I think my lousy credit killed that) and at a real estate agency that went well-all I need to do is get my license. I also spoke to someone on the phone at a life insurance and retirement planning office; I was up front about my financial situation, so he sent me a personality test. I was rejected :) And another position actually was kind enough to send me a rejection letter. And it's only been since early July-I mean, I'm trying! Yes, this all has been weighing heavily on my mind for some time. I've been divorced for more than 8 years, and I've gotten used to being single. I got used to living alone after my daughter moved in with her dad. It killed me to get a room mate, but financially it was the best situation for me. And I was ready to kill both of those guys within weeks because they expected me to clean up after THEM, something not part of the agreement. And that's what this has become: a room mate situation, where they felt so much above me, just because I'm under- or unemployed.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (118231)
• Boise, Idaho
20 Aug 12
Well, I would just work at day to day. As soon as you can I would move out to anything you can find. If you marry him you will be responsible for his debts. I wouldn't move too quickly out of there since you don't have much options right now but I do hope you don't get deeper involved until you can't get yourself out. I would take the first job and leave as soon as i could.
@deazil (4556)
• United States
17 Aug 12
As a fellow Scorpio, along with Hatley, I know you have inner strength and a strong character. That is why you have not broken under the stress and strain you are going through. I think you know what you need to do. And many here have advised you to leave him. The real estate job is a whole new beginning for you. It's your chance to get up and out. You can have a real life. I'm out of a job, too, but I'm 64. They are not hiring anybody around here least of all old people. And I, too, thought my life would get better and easier as I got older. It hasn't. But yours can. You're still young and can get somewhere. The chance you have right now won't happen again. He probably won't change. If he hasn't by now he never will. And you know you can't change people. Right now the door of opportunity is wide open and waiting for you to step through. Wait too long and it will close very quickly. You're strong and you can do it. For yourself. For the rest of your life. I feel my life slowly spiraling downward. It's not a good feeling. I would hate to think of you going through the same thing. Walk out the door and never look back. You can do it.
• United States
19 Aug 12
Hello deazil and thanks for your advice. I have decided that I WANT to have a career, and that I KNOW I can sell homes. I've already begun thinking of HOW I plan to market myself (The agent with a fresh perspective on the Valley) (I live in a valley), and am planning to order some business cards for my real estate investing business for a networking event I'm planning to attend next month. I tell Jim every day that I love him, but I absolutely cannot marry him until the finances are straightened out. He only heard me say that I wouldn't marry him. I know that a door is opening for me-and I've told him that a lot of changes MUST change for both of us if he wants us to get married, but many of those changes involve his finances. So I'll wait, but not forever.
• United States
17 Aug 12
Ask yourself what you want in life. Then, ask yourself if you can realistically see yourself having it if you remain with him. Be honest with yourself in answering that. Good luck in figuring out what direction you want to take from here. I suspect that the path you will be embarking upon will be sans current boyfriend, but it sounds like you will be much better off without him.
• United States
17 Aug 12
Thank you wilsongoddard. I think I'm going to be doing some serious soul-searching in the coming weeks, especially once I begin real estate school (to become a licensed agent, as well as a second one for investing techniques). I know I'm tired of so poor, and my adult life has been rough so far-I KNOW I deserve better! It won't be easy, but I'm used to making difficult decisions.
@manduri20 (108)
• Uganda
16 Aug 12
This is really difficult but there is no problem you can not over come if you understand each other, if you love this man i think you should help him get in the right direction. you are 40 i don't think dating some one else will help you this is the age where you must settle down but going back to dating again will not help you. First thing get a job help him pay up all the bills before you destroy something good because of money.
• United States
16 Aug 12
How dare you accuse me of being in the wrong-my bills are going unpaid, but his having these bills from his past are bringing US down. I have been doing what I can to get him pointed in the right direction, but at this point, he needs to help himself. I'm 40 years old and have raised my child-I was hoping that I'd be able to enjoy my life from that point on, not take care of a 47-year-old child! And I've been looking for a job to pay MY bills-there is a little thing called a RECESSION or haven't you heard of it? He's the one destroying the life he wants for us, not me.
• Philippines
16 Aug 12
Your situation is not really easy, sometimes in life we have to be practical. But practicality doesn't solve everything. You really knew who Jim is, I think if he doesn't have a job right now, or no money as long as you both are willing to work with it then everything is okay. Responsible is the best character a man should have in order to raise his family. I don't want to say that Jim is irresponsible but base on what you've said, he's showing it. In other way, perhaps Jim is just depending on you. Try to talk to Jim and tell him what's in your heart and mind, and if he won't change. Then that's the time that you have to make a serious decision.
• United States
16 Aug 12
Jim has the job; I'm the one who's unemployed. But he doesn't want any more than he has now, which is a job at Walmart overnight as a stock clerk. He wants me to be the one to have a job where I'll be expected to earn more-funny thing is, as much as I try, no one will hire me! I'll try again to talk to him-problem is, he gets oversensitive and begins accusing me of wanting to leave. I need him to be a man now because I can't afford to have another relapse of my multiple sclerosis like I did almost four years ago due to financial issues.
@Alesma (167)
• Czech Republic
15 Aug 12
Hello Scorpio If I were in your place, I would probably wait and see (not long) if your significant other is willing to change his ways (I doubt it). Otherwise, I would leave him. From what you write I fail to see anything positive about your partner. You are in your prime, do not let anyone spoil your life. Life pushes us to incessantly make the 'right' choices in difficult situations, but now and then we as imperfect people fail to choose in the right way. But making a wrong decision is better than making no decision, leaving things as they are just because we are indecisive. Good luck.
• United States
16 Aug 12
Hello, and thank you. We haven't even been together for two years yet; he has made SOME changes, but it's usually like pulling teeth! But at this point, if I do not find a job soon, and bring in some income, I'll be trapped indefinitely. I've tried to do it his way long enough-I'm ready to take on life MY way for a change. That's why I wanted to invest in myself, and take two real estate courses. I know I can sell real estate, and I'm ready for a new challenge. I'm working on a new budget to ensure I can take those courses.
@GardenGerty (99231)
• United States
15 Aug 12
I am so sorry. It is true, if he cannot grow up at this age about his debts you will be stressed all of the time. That is not a life.
• United States
15 Aug 12
Thank you. I'm so afraid that because his parents didn't teach him about money, and always bailed him out, that he'll NEVER grow up! It truly does frighten me now-we're facing losing our car because we won't have enough money to make the payment until 2 days later, when he's paid again. And it's like a never-ending story with HIS bills. Mine aren't getting paid at all anymore, so my credit has gone downhill. I quit getting my nails done, I went and had my hair cut shorter (to help it grow), I don't go shopping for makeup or nice clothes! And now he doesn't want to be a man, and go speak to the judge before the next payment, so it's going to come down to ME handling it or we lose the car.
@Hatley (164654)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Aug 12
hi scorpiobab es as a fellow scorpion you know what you have to do really.You are forty and he is not going to change his ways and wants you to bail him out. you deserve a man who loves you for yourself not your pay check. this guy sounds to me like a loser and he is bogging you down in his troubles that apparently he has made for himself.He is too chicken to work out his troubles and will use you over and over. Walk out while you can, if necessary get help from your relatives but leave this man while you can.I see its just going to get worse. leave him and get help from parents or other friends but get out of this mess. thats my ideas anyway. YOU sound so unhappy and it sounds like its not getting any better. I know from your discussions you are very intelligent so follow your gut instinct and leave him while you can.
• United States
15 Aug 12
I was just so NOT feeling right about the current state of our bills, and then I began doing the math. The car is the problem, the car that requires $600 worth of work, the car that HE wanted, the car that is the bane of our existence. Actually, the car is the least of our problems, HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT!!! Two weeks ago, I went on an interview at a real estate office-they hired me, pending my passing the license. Great-$97 plus an additional fee and I can start raking in the money! Then I attended a real estate course Friday, and set up a partnership of sorts so that I can continue my training. $95 deal and I can work with this guy to set up some real estate deals. So this is going to be my future-I'm super excited! Then the proverbial sh1t hits the fan. I leave the seminar and decide to go get the car checked-$900+ estimate. And my ex-boyfriend called me out of the blue, to see how I was doing. I go home, tell Jim about everything I learned and the phone call. He's skeptical about the financial deal, but he'll grudgingly let me do it if it'll make us enough money for him to retire. He was upset about the call, but then comes back and tells me to lie about our circumstances and how great my life is now. So now my head AND heart are screwed up-I was head-over-heels in love with my ex, and had just finally gotten to a point where I didn't think about him too often anymore. Now I'm completely messed up and really have nowhere to turn. My parents are gone, my sister is in SC and can't really help, I have no car of my own any more...so I'm back to looking for a job in the field I was in (and causes me a lot of pain) just to get a few bucks.