Starting to feel useless..and its eating me
By jureathome
@jureathome (5361)
Philippines
January 9, 2013 8:23am CST
I've been away from the corporate world for a year now, and I'm just at home trying to be a good homemaker. It was a great feeling at the start, being free from office stress and all. Until now, it still is a good relief to be able to just stay home with the kids. I have my good husband to thank for that. A lot of working mothers, would kill to be in my place.
However, for a couple months now, I've started to feel uncomfortable and regretful about my situation. My mother and siblings need financial help, and I can no longer give them what I used to provide them with, when I was still working. Although, my husband is willing to help, but of course, there's a certain limitation, because he has to prioritize our needs. I also don't want to burden him much about my family's financial issues. I still have my pride up on this aspect, and I don't want him to see my family as being too dependent on us.
I feel so useless, and it has affected my mood a lot. I find myself easily irritated by my daughters and I get easily upset when things don't fall in to place. Sometimes, I'd get to a point where, I'd regret that I chose to leave work because I left a very good and promising career behind just to be a "slave" to my daughters and husband. And, now, I can no longer give my family a good life that they deserve.
I really hope this kind of thought would cease my mind and heart because I know it's not going to make things better. But, it lingers.
Do you think I need therapy of some sort, to ease up my worries? Or, is this just a normal phase that I need to go through after leaving a career and not earning a penny?
1 person likes this
11 responses
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
9 Jan 13
I think this is a normal transition. A lot of my friends ended up leaving very good careers to take care of their children, and I know some of them miss it. And it's hard when your family needs help and you can no longer provide them with that help.
I don't think it's burdening your husband to talk to him about using some of the family money to help your mother and siblings. You are contributing to the family as well. However, because your family just has the one income, I can see where you aren't able to help as much.
Do your siblings actually need financial help? It's possible that they don't, and they have their own plans for how they are going to sort out their finances.
2 people like this
@jureathome (5361)
• Philippines
14 Jan 13
Hi cutepenguin, thanks for your response.
My husband has been very generous with my family. When I was still working, all my salary goes to helping my mother and for my own expenses. Before I left work, I saved up some amount to use for my mother's monthly allowance, but it has already ran out. So, my husband, offered to continue providing for my mother, but a lesser amount, enough to help with bills and food. Still, I wish I could give more, knowing that with my skills and experience, I could very well give her a good life, and she doesn't have to do anything more to get extra income.
My siblings have their own jobs, but not making as much as I did. Sometimes, they run short of money, and borrow from me. But, now that they know I am no longer working, they also minimized, even stopped, turning to me for help because they understand my situation. Sometimes, even it they don't approach me about their problems, and I know that it's really urgent, I would offer to help if I could.
1 person likes this
@cherriefic (10400)
• Philippines
12 Jan 16
@jureathome It seems that your siblings understand anyway. Maybe you just have to enjoy your moments with your children as they will not be forever children. Dont think too much about the past and focus on what you have right now.
@LovingMyBabies (85127)
• Valdosta, Georgia
9 Jan 13
I'm happy that I'm a stay at home mother but I do miss working as well at times. I want to be able to feel like I am doing something more than what I'm doing now. I feel like I'm meant for more.
It takes a while to make your heart and your head agree that its okay to be at home with the kids. I struggle with it at times too and its been over a year for me that I have been home now.
I'm hoping that soon I can find some part time work somewhere. I would like to be home most of the day with my kids and only work for a few hours a day outside the home. I'm tired of looking at these same walls and never going doing anything different. Maybe one day I will be able to find part time work...
2 people like this
@cherriefic (10400)
• Philippines
12 Jan 16
A part time can be a good idea to at least refresh your mind and also make extra money.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
9 Jan 13
Yes it is a normal phase. First of all I think you need to stop worrying about your siblings and parents. I don't know what their situation is, but they need to handle their problems on their own, or find help on their own without involving you. Your top priority needs to be your kids. If you need to be home for your kids, then that's what you need to do. If you need to work to get your bills paid (yours, not somebody else's) then that's what you do. You can't live your life for someone else and sacrifice your well-being or that of your children. That's how I feel about it. It's admirable that you want to help your family.. but I've seen too often that people who are helped become dependent on that help and won't learn to fend for themselves.
1 person likes this
@jureathome (5361)
• Philippines
14 Jan 13
I'm afraid I can't just turn away from my moral obligations to them, especially my mother. She's 60 and can no longer find a job. My father has left her, and us. Nevertheless, she still tries to find something to have a little income from, so she won't get short of her financial needs, on top of what I'm providing her monthly. That was my promise to her when we asked for her blessings for our marriage. I will continue to help her, and I also don't want her to be begging for help from other people, even from her siblings, when I, her daughter, can very well help.
As for my siblings, they aren't really dependent on me, but, I want to be ready for any emergencies that may come, and they may not have enough to cover the expenses on their own. My sister was diagnosed of stage 1 cervical cancer, and I worry a lot about it, and I want to help her have it cured, before it gets too late.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (215635)
• Chile
9 Jan 13
You don`t need theraphy, friend. You need to see if you can get a part time job for some time. If you don`t soon you will find that you will not be able to get back to work. You will be too old and other people will have your job. It is not only money. We need to use the weapons we have (in this case it`s your education and trsining). Take care!
@jureathome (5361)
• Philippines
9 Jan 13
I have been trying to get an online job, that way, I get to stay at home and don't have to drive far away to work. But, I still have to find someone to look after the kids while I'm working. These online jobs, though just at home, still demands ones time and attention.
1 person likes this
@marguicha (215635)
• Chile
9 Jan 13
I have heard that you help your family a lot. Couldn`t they help you out too and babysit for sometime some hours each week?
1 person likes this
@jureathome (5361)
• Philippines
11 Jan 13
I can call them to babysit once in awhile, but not everyday because they also have their activities. On weekends, we can leave the kids with them when we want to go out, just me and my husband. And, when there are school events where we need to be there and we have to leave the baby to someone. However, we have to block their schedules ahead, so it doesn't conflict with their own agenda. They help but not as much as a nanny can do for me.
1 person likes this
@valeshg (9)
• India
9 Jan 13
Hi,
First of all,I would suggest not to assess your self-worth based on your income.Only your helplessness towards your mother and siblings is making you feel useless.You had been having a great time and you just cant let one situation take it all away.Don't blame yourself for not being able to handle those unpleasant situations which are beyond your control.You are worried about not being the responsible daughter you used to be.But that's not your fault,right?Don't get me wrong.I am not suggesting to abandon them,but the opposite.Try to be the daughter you used to be.Take action.Worrying the whole day just doesn't solve your problem.
You find your responsibility towards your daughters and husband getting in the way of re-starting your career.I suggest you take initiative to get back on your career track and let your mother take care of the kids in the meanwhile.That's the only way I can see which can benefit everyone.Since your husband is supportive,I am sure he will understand you if you talk to him about how you feel.Don't give up until you achieve what you want.
And just remember that you have always been a responsible daughter,a loving wife and a caring mother.
2 people like this
@jureathome (5361)
• Philippines
14 Jan 13
Thanks valesh for your advice. I really appreciate it.
I have thought of asking my mother to stay with us in the house and watch the kids while I work, and my husband already agreed to that option, at least, just temporarily, while we wait for a permanent nanny. I think that's what we will do, also, if my mother finds it amenable. She is living with her mother, my grandma at 80+, and is also hesitant to leave her alone in the house. She can come to babysit once in awhile, but perhaps, staying here 24hours for some time, would also mean abandoning my grandma.
I have been praying for God to grant me with finding a responsible and reliable nanny. It's like wishing for a million, but I really hope we can find one, soon. And, all these problems can be solved, one by one.
1 person likes this
@ladyeaglefeather (228)
• United States
24 Feb 13
I too, am a a stay at home mom. It's not the easiest thing to do. It's very hard. Why don't you try to do little things on the computer. While you kids are sleeping or at school. It's very hard to be the one who stays at home. I know, how you feel. I can't say those feeling go away because, they don't. But, I do think, we all go through them. You might went to think about opening your own company or some like that.
@roshigo58 (4859)
• Pune, India
28 Mar 13
Hi,
I don;t think you need a therapy for this problem. Before you were working and you were busy in office work. But now you are at home and you are not used to of it. So you feel it boring. You can do some part time job when your kids are in the school, or online jobs are also good for you. You can enjoy time with your hobbies. You try to engage yourself in your favorite things.
@pomwango (1353)
• Kenya
10 Jan 13
i understand you so well.i was retrenched from work at some point in my life and it was fun for some time you sleep in late,get to watch movies and just laze around until the reality checked in when i started not having my own financial independence.i felt so bad and even kept having mood swings.its worse when you also feel your lifestyle has started going down and keeping on asking money from your husband you feel its too much bother at some point.i ended up looking for another job and atleast after that i felt better .its very hard i think because its like some strong part of you has been taken away, i think the best way even after leaving work is to maybe have a business keeping you busy and occupied then you wont feel so bad. wish you the best.
1 person likes this
@PiaAngela (79)
• Philippines
10 Jan 13
Your choice to be a good homemaker is a good choice. And i think you are really enjoying it and love that decision that you made. Dont regret leaving work.
However, I think what is really bothering you now is because you can no longer help your mother and siblings way you used to help them, or very limited and you dont want to depend on your husband, which I completely understand.
But you must remember,your priority now is your husband and daughter and you are never useless, you just have to make your mother and siblings understand that it wont be the same, since you are not working anymore.
And If you are really not happy feeling this way or your feeling useless ( which you should not be feeling) talk to your husband about it, open up and if you can go back to work again,if you think this will make you happy. Of course, i dont agree with this, because your mom and sibling should not be dependent on you anymore, only help when you can and what you can give to them, not your obligations anymore.I know you love them, but that is beyond the point, you help what you can coz your not single anymore.
Of course, i undertand your pain, i am still a bread winner in the family and i take care of my mom and sometimes i feel tired and want out but i love her and from time to time i help my siblings even if they are working. But I give only what i can.
Worries does affect our moods but dont let it out with your husband and daughter, coz it is not healthy.
Now you are not useless, keep that in mind. But if you want to help, then go back to work or stay home and be a good wife and mom and help your family with what you can and talk them about it.
Ooops sorry its too long, just my opinion on this!
But you are truly and loving daughter, Wife, Sister and Mom!
@maddysmummy (110)
• United States
30 Mar 13
No not therapy. Maybe a part time job for a couple hours a day or up to 10 hours a week or something like that then you would feel like your contributing to your family if you have some income coming in. I felt like that too when we moved to the USA and my son was 4 at the time. I stayed home until he was able to go to school. I felt like I wasn't contributing to the family finances so took up a part time job during the school hours only and that helped a little. It also gave me extra pocket money to do things for myself from time to time.
