It's all about appearances
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
United States
January 15, 2013 8:09pm CST
I'm watching Desperate Housewives. I couldn't help but have a flashback of my mom. Bless her heart, she was a lot like the Bree character that always needs to keep up appearances, no matter what.
On Desperate Housewives, Bree's daughter is pregnant so they put the daughter in a convent and Bree wears a fake pregnancy belly for 9 months so when the baby's born it will look like she had delivered the baby.
My mom was a lot like that. She always had to have a cover story so we looked like the perfect family.
Like when my dad broke my tail bone. We had to have a cover story to give the doctor, so the truth wouldn't come out.
When my brother got his glasses punched into his eye which was cut badly from the glass. Mom made a cover story to that too.
Keeping up appearances is more important in some families than the kids. The kids may be dressed well, and the scars may or may not be visible, but everything has to seem fine on the surface, which is why parents keep up appearances.
I feel there is an injustice being done to kids when one parent covers up the abuse of the other parent.
I was very angry for a long time. I was more angry with my mother for covering up the abuse.
Back when I was a kid, women were afraid to leave and make a life for the kids. They just made cover stories to explain the things that happen.
What do you feel about covering up abuse? Is it ever justified? I think it happens more now in third world countries where women are not valued or helped.
Nowadays abuse wouldn't be tolerated if the law found out.
Your thoughts?
3 people like this
10 responses
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
17 Jan 13
I am sorry to say that but your mom was wrong to cover up abuse. No matter what excuse your father had or she had it was still abuse and endangerment to her children.
3 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
18 Jan 13
I guess that's why I still have some butter feelings about my mom. She was a wonderful sweet woman but she always justified our abuse as that she got the worst of it. That when she tried to stop it he followed up abusing her. That's not an excuse! She should have left and taken us to the farm where she grew up but she was too proud to let her dad know she married an angry man who used us as kicking and punching bags.
Don't get me wrong. I love my mom. But she did wrong by keeping us in an unsafe situation.
2 people like this
@saundyl (9783)
• Canada
17 Jan 13
I think sometimes the appearances aren't just for the public's sake but the person making up the cover stories...They dont want to face the truth. They're scared of what will happen if someone else realizes.
Its not an excuse...Sometimes its easier not to see whats really going on when you are part of the situation too.
2 people like this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
18 Jan 13
I think it was an unspoken rule: you make your bed and you lay in it. You don't admit you made a mistake. And you don't tell anyone about the violence because its normal, but no one says anything. You endure so you are taken care of.
2 people like this
@silverfox09 (4708)
• United States
17 Jan 13
Off topic ,..Bree was so annoying to me lol , my favorite desperate housewives was Gabby she was so superficial that its funny .
Back to your discussion ... Your mother must have been really scared that time , its good that time have changed . She had her reason but that is not the best decision , emotional scars is the worse thing .
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
17 Jan 13
You are so right about the scars. I don't hurt anymore though. I use my experiences to help others. I wrote 7 articles a few years ago on child abuse recovery. I think I will be doing some more from another angle. It's like therapy to me and it will bring in money for page views.
@kingparker (9673)
• United States
17 Jan 13
People sometimes are pretentious, and they don't want people laugh behind their back. But what differences does it make. What is truth is a truth. You can't hide it forever. My aunt also, I knew that she doesn't make much money, and she couldn't afford this and that, but she pretend to be richer than others, and criticize other people's dress, so she can stand out better than others. In reality, she doesn't have anything, even the trip she talked about to Beijing China for over 3 years, she hadn't came up the money for it yet. I already went there a couple of times. So, people would see the truth of it.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
17 Jan 13
It's horrible how people try to hide who they really are. I hope my daughter never feels about me like I have felt about my parents. My mom once asked me why I hated her so much. I never hated her. I just didn't KNOW her. Her friends loved her, but they just knew what she wanted them to know. I know more about my dad than I ever knew about my mom. She just always had an image to uphold. I loved her. But I never felt like I belonged to my family.
@5mahi05 (666)
• India
16 Jan 13
This is a very common thing that used to happen in the olden days when the women weren't given enough education to stand on their own and make a life of their own. Men showed their powers and abused women. But women did nothing other than making the cover stories for all the things that happen in the house and they make others look at their family as the most ideal family in the neighbourhood. I have experienced it myself and even after my dad beating up my mom, she never uttered a single word to my dad's parents or her parents. She just pretended that she only bumped on to something and got hurt. This is why men do not take women seriously. But now a days since women also are capable of standing on their own feet and look after the kids on their own, they do not give heed to the men who abuse them. They just walk out and look after their kids themselves.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
16 Jan 13
That's right. Women back then didn't have the opportunities that men had. My mother never let her father know either. My grandfather tried to stop my mom from getting married. He offered to put her through college, but instead she quit school and married my dad when she was 18.
@5mahi05 (666)
• India
16 Jan 13
Oh 18 is better. My mom got married at the age of 16 and she wanted to study, but her dad din't let her study and got her married to my dad. Even today mom will be telling, only if your grandfather had let me study further, my life would have been all different from how it is now. She doesn't regret though, but then, she just thinks how it would have been.
1 person likes this
@subho12 (12)
• India
17 Jan 13
Yes, this is quite true that in case of many families, appearance seems much more important than kids. Unfortunately this has a great impact on the kids, as they also become like this. I feel every child should be guided properly guided, and they should be taken to counselors from time to time, so that they can be kept under check while they grow up.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
17 Jan 13
I believe every child should feel cherished. They should feel like they belong. My dad was a battered child. His cycle continued. My brother and I never repeated the cycle. We didn't want to do to our kids what our parents did to us.
@danishcanadian (28953)
• Canada
27 Jan 13
I never ever believed in keeping up appearances. People have tried to talk me into it, or even drag me into it, but I have no intereest. If I am a witness to such a lie, and I know the truth, I will stand up and tell the truth. If someone objects i'll remind them of the commandment to NOT lie.
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
16 Jan 13
There are still many women who cover up or simply ignore the abuse being perpetrated by their husbands or boyfriends. How often do we hear about some creep killing his girlfriend's child? In many cases, the woman knew the guy she was with was a loser, but she chose to be with a loser rather than stand on her own two feet and take care of her child(ren).
I've seen girls... er, young women dump their children with the flavor-of-the-week. I knew one in college who would leave her toddler daughter with whatever guy she happened to have in at the time.
While men perpetrate most of the abuse, women are often almost as guilty. They cover things up. They make excuses. They choose to bring in creeps and losers, because they "need" a man--and anything with the correct anatomy will do.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
17 Jan 13
Oh you are so right. It happens all too often. I don't even listen to the news much because of the reports of abuse on children. It just sickens me.
@Dominique25 (9464)
• United States
16 Jan 13
I'm sorry to hear that your father was abusive. That would have been awful thing to go through. I do think that at times when women are considered of less or no value it is hard for them to be able to do the right thing. Not that there is ever an excuse for abuse it was just more difficult for women back then and now in third world countries to get help. Thankfully more so now women in other areas are able to get help if need be. I hope soon it will be the same for women in third world countries.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
16 Jan 13
My dad was part of a cycle. He was a battered child and knew nothing except lashing out when he was angry or frustrated. I forgave my dad and also my mom for not putting us first. In her mind she was keeping a roof over our heads. Dad did mellow out in his older age and found religion. For him, God was the real father that he never had.
I can't help but get flashbacks at times. I feel guilty being mad at my mom, but I can't seem to help it.
@Raine38 (12257)
• United States
16 Jan 13
I'm sorry that you have such a bad memory like that when you were young. And personally, I would prefer that my mom would stand up for me and my siblings and bugger the appearances. Whatever we do, people around us will always have something bad to say. We can't please them all, we can't have it all. So I guess it's best to care for those people who really matter to us the most.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
17 Jan 13
Yes it is really bad when a mom is so complacent or so scared of leaving to stand up for her children. I do remember my mother taking up for me. I was 4 or 5. Dad was a delivery man for the 7 Up company. They sold 7 UP and Tru-Aid which was orange, non-carbonated drink. I was crying because dad refused to bring me a soda like always. He went berserk and threw me on the vouch and tore off his belt. My mom jumped on top of me to protect me from the belt. She got hit that time and he quit hitting but kept screaming what a no good worthless whelp I was. Imagine that, being 4.
Still mom didn't leave.
