Some of The Heaviest Things in My Life Are Things I Can't See ...

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"A grieving mother can live again ... the sad thing is she doesn't know or see that to be true ... no one can imagine the roads a grieving mother walks on ... all in complete darkness in her mind." By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee Note: I am sharing this from my blog: Happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com ... this can help all my new friends here who don't know me ... understand that when I write about grief, pain ... I truly am alright, truly at peace now ... with my son being gone. I hope you'll understand when I write about pure grief, pain ... I'm not sitting here wallowing in grief, crying ... moaning. I'm the opposite of that ... I smile with deep sadness through my tears ... and know no matter what ... everything is going to be alright now. I can live with my grief ... and be happy at the same time. I never knew it to be possible. The journey I traveled on grief's road was the worst, more horrible in my life ... it wasn't easy. I had to fight to be positive, not hate ... scream at God. Now ... I can grow older as the graceful lady I hoped to be one day. I've made it through another Life's Journey ... one I almost didn't make. One more note ... no matter how painful you may find my words describing grief ... know that it doesn't even touch how awful, horrible, painful ... a grieving mother experiences. She is an amazing person to come through the darkest of dark ... having to feel her way back to the light. Can you imagine having to walk thousands of miles never knowing which direction you are traveling? Not caring ... just being there because you aren't dead? A grieving mother has no choice but, to do this until the day she finds sunshine in her Heart again. It may takes years ... sadly some mothers aren't ever okay again. This grieving mother ... is grateful to be back in Life to live it again ... feel happiness again. Everything is going to be alright. No matter how bad ... things do have a way of being alright again. I'm proof of that. Friday, June 3, 2016 Some of The Heaviest Things in My Life Are Things I Can't See ... By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka @GeeGranny on Twitter Walking with shoulders stooped ... hard to take a step forward in life. Walking with all the weight in the world ... sitting on those shoulders. So many things happen to strike a person down ... getting back up each time. Time after time ... fall down, get up ... fall down ... get up. So tired from the invisible weight carried on one's shoulders. No one can see why a person walks with their shoulders down ... head down, sighing all the time. They've given up on life ... Not I ... oh no, not me. I'm not giving up ... I haven't given up. I won't give up. Okay ... the truth is during the first 3 years after my son died ... I did give up. No one excepting Skip knew how fragile my very life was. He worried ... I couldn't see his worry for my grief. Grief ... is the very heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders. No one could see it ... I couldn't see it ... I felt, knew it was there. I could hardly walk for the heaviness of it all. It was bigger than I. Anyone not knowing me ... would see a beaten-down woman who was looking ... inside when walking ... not looking out into this world. She didn't want to talk to anyone ... she lived in the darkness of pure grief ... there wasn't even a speck of light in her world, her mind. She/ I was the darkness. No one could see why this woman would look as she did. No one could see that this woman used to be so happy ... smiling all the time, silly ... funny. Invisible weight no one could see pushed me to the ground. For the first time in my life ... I wasn't a positive person ... I wasn't capable of really thinking any further than my grief. I look back toward that time ... all I see is darkness. I don't feel like entering that darkness now to describe to you some of those times. I do that from time to time to show/tell you ... today, I can't. It takes so much out of me ... for several days after entering the darkness. I can't get over it easy, because when I do that ... I am in there totally ... facing awful things. Today ... 6 years later ... I am out of the darkness ... I don't carry the weight of grief on my shoulders, now. I have coped with the loss of my son in a most positive way. I realize no matter how much I cry, fight the world because my son died ... it doesn't change a thing. He isn't coming back. All I have are my memories ... where I can see, hear him. It's sad ... but, it is the way of life. I met it head-on, suffered such pain I could never describe to anyone ... to get to this point in my life. Even when I tell you how well I've coped ... that I'm at a good place now, concerning Tommy's (my son) death ... doesn't in any way ... diminish the pain of losing my child. It's just now ... I have grown big enough to hold my grief. Before ... it was bigger than I. The grief doesn't hold me down ... weigh my shoulders down as it once did. Before it was bigger than I ... the heaviest weight I've ever known, or carried. Now ... I've grown so much stronger that I can carry it inside ... and live, too. Now ... I'm bigger, stronger than my grief ... I've coped with it. Sure, once in a while ... the grief finds a way to bring me down ... I only let it happen for a short time until I can get back up on my feet, face it head-on. Grief does have a way of sneaking up on me once in a while. I can't let it keep me down ... I have to live until the day I die ... I have my husband, Pups to be here for. So, I make everything get back all right again. I smile through my tears ... conjuring up Tommy's sunshine smile that always warmed my Heart. That's how I find myself smiling away the pain. So, while all of these things happen inside me ... it's invisible to everyone around me. They never see a thing ... powerful things that go on in my mind ... other people's minds. Even I don't see it on others unless, I really take time to see, look, listen. I can see true pain in a person's eyes ... the eyes are very telling, but ... unless you have time to see ... you'll never know it. When meeting someone ... I always see deeply into their eyes. Some of the heaviest things in my life are the ones I can't see. Grief being the biggest, heaviest of all. Now ... I'm stronger for it ... before it was bigger than me ... now ... I'm big enough to carry it. You can't see that, either. Oh, I do know this, so you will know ... I'm not the only person in this world who carries the heaviest weight no one can see ... I know that truly we all carry something inside us that hurts us. I care, and I have so much compassion for others. I don't think only of myself. Note by this Author: I was thinking this morning about holding so much pain inside ... no one can possibly see ... how heavy pain is. The heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders is grief for the loss of my only child. Six years later ... I am all right ... because I meant to be in a positive way. I write what I know best ... pain, grief ... that's mostly all I've ever known in my life. I've known much happiness ... but, somehow ... pain and grief happened too often in my life since being a little girl ... taking my happiness away. I found peace and a happiness that will last until the day I die ... no matter how bad ... things do get alright. I'm proof of that. A grieving mother can live again ... the sad thing is she doesn't know or see that to be true ... no one can imagine the roads a grieving mother walks on ... all in complete darkness in her mind. I'm fortunate ... I fought to find spots of sunshine ... jumping from one to another until years, days later ... I came out of the maze of darkness, grief. Photos/true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.