Some of The Heaviest Things in My Life Are Things I Can't See ...

Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee ... Selfie
@GrannyGee (1779)
Louisburg, North Carolina
January 15, 2017 6:27am CST
"A grieving mother can live again ... the sad thing is she doesn't know or see that to be true ... no one can imagine the roads a grieving mother walks on ... all in complete darkness in her mind." By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee Note: I am sharing this from my blog: Happycolorsandgrannygee.blogspot.com ... this can help all my new friends here who don't know me ... understand that when I write about grief, pain ... I truly am alright, truly at peace now ... with my son being gone. I hope you'll understand when I write about pure grief, pain ... I'm not sitting here wallowing in grief, crying ... moaning. I'm the opposite of that ... I smile with deep sadness through my tears ... and know no matter what ... everything is going to be alright now. I can live with my grief ... and be happy at the same time. I never knew it to be possible. The journey I traveled on grief's road was the worst, more horrible in my life ... it wasn't easy. I had to fight to be positive, not hate ... scream at God. Now ... I can grow older as the graceful lady I hoped to be one day. I've made it through another Life's Journey ... one I almost didn't make. One more note ... no matter how painful you may find my words describing grief ... know that it doesn't even touch how awful, horrible, painful ... a grieving mother experiences. She is an amazing person to come through the darkest of dark ... having to feel her way back to the light. Can you imagine having to walk thousands of miles never knowing which direction you are traveling? Not caring ... just being there because you aren't dead? A grieving mother has no choice but, to do this until the day she finds sunshine in her Heart again. It may takes years ... sadly some mothers aren't ever okay again. This grieving mother ... is grateful to be back in Life to live it again ... feel happiness again. Everything is going to be alright. No matter how bad ... things do have a way of being alright again. I'm proof of that. Friday, June 3, 2016 Some of The Heaviest Things in My Life Are Things I Can't See ... By Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee/aka @GeeGranny on Twitter Walking with shoulders stooped ... hard to take a step forward in life. Walking with all the weight in the world ... sitting on those shoulders. So many things happen to strike a person down ... getting back up each time. Time after time ... fall down, get up ... fall down ... get up. So tired from the invisible weight carried on one's shoulders. No one can see why a person walks with their shoulders down ... head down, sighing all the time. They've given up on life ... Not I ... oh no, not me. I'm not giving up ... I haven't given up. I won't give up. Okay ... the truth is during the first 3 years after my son died ... I did give up. No one excepting Skip knew how fragile my very life was. He worried ... I couldn't see his worry for my grief. Grief ... is the very heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders. No one could see it ... I couldn't see it ... I felt, knew it was there. I could hardly walk for the heaviness of it all. It was bigger than I. Anyone not knowing me ... would see a beaten-down woman who was looking ... inside when walking ... not looking out into this world. She didn't want to talk to anyone ... she lived in the darkness of pure grief ... there wasn't even a speck of light in her world, her mind. She/ I was the darkness. No one could see why this woman would look as she did. No one could see that this woman used to be so happy ... smiling all the time, silly ... funny. Invisible weight no one could see pushed me to the ground. For the first time in my life ... I wasn't a positive person ... I wasn't capable of really thinking any further than my grief. I look back toward that time ... all I see is darkness. I don't feel like entering that darkness now to describe to you some of those times. I do that from time to time to show/tell you ... today, I can't. It takes so much out of me ... for several days after entering the darkness. I can't get over it easy, because when I do that ... I am in there totally ... facing awful things. Today ... 6 years later ... I am out of the darkness ... I don't carry the weight of grief on my shoulders, now. I have coped with the loss of my son in a most positive way. I realize no matter how much I cry, fight the world because my son died ... it doesn't change a thing. He isn't coming back. All I have are my memories ... where I can see, hear him. It's sad ... but, it is the way of life. I met it head-on, suffered such pain I could never describe to anyone ... to get to this point in my life. Even when I tell you how well I've coped ... that I'm at a good place now, concerning Tommy's (my son) death ... doesn't in any way ... diminish the pain of losing my child. It's just now ... I have grown big enough to hold my grief. Before ... it was bigger than I. The grief doesn't hold me down ... weigh my shoulders down as it once did. Before it was bigger than I ... the heaviest weight I've ever known, or carried. Now ... I've grown so much stronger that I can carry it inside ... and live, too. Now ... I'm bigger, stronger than my grief ... I've coped with it. Sure, once in a while ... the grief finds a way to bring me down ... I only let it happen for a short time until I can get back up on my feet, face it head-on. Grief does have a way of sneaking up on me once in a while. I can't let it keep me down ... I have to live until the day I die ... I have my husband, Pups to be here for. So, I make everything get back all right again. I smile through my tears ... conjuring up Tommy's sunshine smile that always warmed my Heart. That's how I find myself smiling away the pain. So, while all of these things happen inside me ... it's invisible to everyone around me. They never see a thing ... powerful things that go on in my mind ... other people's minds. Even I don't see it on others unless, I really take time to see, look, listen. I can see true pain in a person's eyes ... the eyes are very telling, but ... unless you have time to see ... you'll never know it. When meeting someone ... I always see deeply into their eyes. Some of the heaviest things in my life are the ones I can't see. Grief being the biggest, heaviest of all. Now ... I'm stronger for it ... before it was bigger than me ... now ... I'm big enough to carry it. You can't see that, either. Oh, I do know this, so you will know ... I'm not the only person in this world who carries the heaviest weight no one can see ... I know that truly we all carry something inside us that hurts us. I care, and I have so much compassion for others. I don't think only of myself. Note by this Author: I was thinking this morning about holding so much pain inside ... no one can possibly see ... how heavy pain is. The heaviest weight I ever carried on my shoulders is grief for the loss of my only child. Six years later ... I am all right ... because I meant to be in a positive way. I write what I know best ... pain, grief ... that's mostly all I've ever known in my life. I've known much happiness ... but, somehow ... pain and grief happened too often in my life since being a little girl ... taking my happiness away. I found peace and a happiness that will last until the day I die ... no matter how bad ... things do get alright. I'm proof of that. A grieving mother can live again ... the sad thing is she doesn't know or see that to be true ... no one can imagine the roads a grieving mother walks on ... all in complete darkness in her mind. I'm fortunate ... I fought to find spots of sunshine ... jumping from one to another until years, days later ... I came out of the maze of darkness, grief. Photos/true story owned, written by Gloria Faye Brown Bates/aka Granny Gee.
42 people like this
30 responses
@DWDavis (11151)
• Pikeville, North Carolina
15 Jan
A very meaningful and moving testament you have written.
8 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
Thank you, DW.
5 people like this
@garymarsh6 (12060)
• United Kingdom
15 Jan
Grief is a very personal thing. The pain is indescribable and there is no point anyone saying they know how you feel because they do not know. They may have experienced loss themselves but they are not experiencing YOUR pain. In time, time is a great healer. Some as you say never get over that loss and die miserably but hopefully moving on to a better place. I am pleased that you have found some peace.
7 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
Gary, thank you very much. You do understand ... I sense this through your words. You said it exactly right. I am so, so glad to have gotten to ... today.
4 people like this
• United States
16 Jan
agree, everyone grieves differently, time will heal all. I too am happy that you have found some peace.
3 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
17 Jan
@CookieMonster46 Thank you very much, that means a lot to me.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Jan
@GrannyGee Thank You for sharing. I hope you don't mind that I shared it on a couple of pages I manage on Facebook. It speaks so strongly on your wisdom and grief.
6 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
Bernie, you touched my Heart. I'm honored that you think my words would be interesting for others to read. Share all you want. Thank you.
4 people like this
@sugartoes (32446)
• Greencastle, Indiana
15 Jan
you have come a long ways from your grief, & I'm glad your life is back like you need it to be we have a lot to be thankful for with god above amen & you found the courage & strength to pull your self back up & live again. I shared this with a LOT of my friends to read to help them grow like you have.
5 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
Thank you for sharing my story. You've been there a lot during some of the time I was 'lost' in my grief. Your words contributed toward helping me, also. I'll always love, care about you. You reached out many times when you didn't have to.
3 people like this
@gofsey (1302)
• Madurai, India
21 Jan
Yes, life is sometimes unforgiving. But we have friends and you @sugartoes are a wonderful person. Good to see GrannyGee moving on, things have to change and will.
3 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
21 Jan
@gofsey Thank you, Vivian. It's nice to see you again.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Jan
One of my friends lost her son at the age of 16. She has other children that she dotes on and tries to focus on and does well for the most part. Other times she is downtrodden and overburdened with her grief. My heart goes out to any mother who has lost a child. I have come close to losing my children on several occasions. I do not ever want to feel that pain. I am grateful for the blessings.
4 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
@ElusiveButterfly I'm so thankful you didn't lose a child when you almost did. I hope you never-ever lose one. I wish you and your family/children a wonderful life with my very Heart.
3 people like this
• United States
15 Jan
@GrannyGee thank you my dear. It is a pain that no mother should suffer.
4 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
@ElusiveButterfly If my prayers could make it possible ... no mother would ever lose a child.
4 people like this
@stbrians (11834)
• Kakamega, Kenya
15 Jan
These should be put in a book
3 people like this
• United States
15 Jan
@stbrians I agree! @GrannyGee you could help many by making a book out of your writings!
2 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
Thank you, Eaglespeed.
2 people like this
@Tampa_girl7 (21029)
• United States
15 Jan
Thanks for sharing your touching words with us.
3 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
16 Jan
Marie, thank you.
2 people like this
@besweet (7342)
• Greece
15 Jan
It is good to hear that you are feeling better. Sharing your thoughts can help other people cope with their loss too.
3 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
Thank you. I really hope someone could possibly find comfort ... that would be like helping me inside. That would be beautiful.
3 people like this
@Jessicalynnt (48191)
• Centralia, Missouri
16 Jan
what a wonderful way of sharing a very painful and personal experience. Loss is.... a life changer
2 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
16 Jan
Yes, it really is. Thank you, Jekca.
1 person likes this
• Centralia, Missouri
16 Jan
@GrannyGee I know they say that one should never out live their kids, or grandkids, I wouldnt know. But I do know that the loss of one specific grandfather still haunts me, as does the loss of my first real love. People sometimes leave too soon (and really any time with them would be too soon)
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
17 Jan
@Jessicalynnt Oh yes, how right you are. Also, grief is grief no matter who goes away. I'm so sorry for your losses.
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (26582)
• United States
15 Jan
This is a touching post and one that many probably cannot understand. But I can only imagine what it would feel like to lose a child. I know it could not be good. But you are strong and overcame that horrible grief and that heavy weight on your shoulders. You have won that battle and are stronger now for it. I applaud you for writing this.
2 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
Thank you, @inertia4.
1 person likes this
@inertia4 (26582)
• United States
17 Jan
@GrannyGee You're welcome.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (88879)
• Marion, Kansas
15 Jan
I have not had that grief, but another. It is good you are sharing a word of peace with us and with others. i know of people in my friend list here who have a same grief of losing a child. I worked closely with a teacher who had lost a child. I know you have also shared the joy Tommy gave you, and that is good.
2 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
16 Jan
Hi Heather. I'm sorry for the other grief you've had. I do write happy as well as the sad. It's what I write about and have for 6 years.
@Kandae11 (23545)
15 Jan
I am happy that you are feeling better.
2 people like this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
15 Jan
Thank you, Kandase, very much. I am in a good place today.
1 person likes this
@rhpinc (1149)
• Santa Barbara, California
19 Jan
I am sorry for your aching heart. I really loved your post. Not just a grieving mother, but a father like me too does grieve. My son passed away in 2008 and I have a hard time coping with it still. Probably wont ever stop, but I do try my hardest to let time ease my hear's saddness, and pains...
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
19 Jan
Thank you again, Nathan. I really am sorry about the loss of your son. I understand your words perfectly ... thankfully time has helped. I have never thought about a father's grief ... only my grief as a mother. I had never talked to a grieving mother, either. You made me stop, try to imagine walking in your shoes. My Heart cares, feels for you, Nathan. Thank you for sharing something so close to your very Heart with me.
1 person likes this
@rhpinc (1149)
• Santa Barbara, California
19 Jan
@GrannyGee its not easy at all deal with. I have so much wrong inside and doesn't come to help me with daily dealings. Ihave a hard time keeping a job or a place to stay. I find though. That talking with other people that have dealt with loss of a child can atleast connect me to communication and ease some of the pains.
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
19 Jan
@rhpinc I'm so sorry, Nathan. I wrote my pain because I couldn't talk to anyone. If it makes your pain better talking to people is good for you.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Jan
Wow was that a long read . . .
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
16 Jan
Yes, I know it was. I write long
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Jan
@GrannyGee but with great perception and attention to detail in your writing is a great gift !
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
17 Jan
@enlightenedpsych2 I'm honored you would think that way about my writing, Erica.
1 person likes this
@velvet53 (15384)
• Palisade, Colorado
15 Jan
I have not lost a son but I have lost others in my life. Grief is a hard thing to deal with. I am happy that you have come so far and share your life with others. I am sure that your wonderful words have helped many people over the time. You have "Today Forward" down real good.
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
16 Jan
Hello Velvet 53 ... I'm sorry you've suffered losses in your life. You are right that grief is a hard thing to deal with. When I could come out of my darkness... I fought hard to come back in the most positive way I could. It was so hard. Thankfully, I did.
1 person likes this
@velvet53 (15384)
• Palisade, Colorado
16 Jan
@GrannyGee You knew what you had to do and took that big step to be happy again. You have a super wonderful attitude.
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
17 Jan
@velvet53 Velvet53, somehow I did it and I'm so, so thankful. Thank you.
1 person likes this
@MissNikki (2459)
• Canada
21 Jan
Thank you so much for sharing your personal story with us *hugs* I am sorry for your loss
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
22 Jan
Thank you, Miss Nikki.
1 person likes this
@MissNikki (2459)
• Canada
22 Jan
@GrannyGee All of us here at MyLot are always here for you whenever you need us
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
22 Jan
@MissNikki I'm honored. Thank you very much, Miss Nikki
1 person likes this
@gofsey (1302)
• Madurai, India
21 Jan
Yes, the saddest thing is seeing the date change on your calendar and know that it has more purpose than you or me. But, when I think that we have many people who live that way, not seeing the way things are because what we care for is gone, I go on one more day. Yes, I think there is no real direction to take but only the one the calendar makes. Yes, I am too tired to pray. But, I read the prayers others write on the internet. It keeps me warm.
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
21 Jan
How interesting to think like that ... and sad. I sense a lot of pain behind your words. I care and hope all the words, prayers you read keep you the warmest. It's nice to see you again. Gloria/Granny Gee
1 person likes this
@gofsey (1302)
• Madurai, India
27 Jan
@GrannyGee Yes, I too am happy to see you Gloria. We got to make the days go past. Why are heavens hidden? Surely the mystery is more than turning the calendar one more time. But then, let us go read some prayers. Your friend.
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
27 Jan
@gofsey Thank you.
1 person likes this
• Pamplona, Spain
15 Jan
Very well written and grief is something that is very heavy. It hurts like crazy for a time and when you try to explain it to anyone its like they cannot see what you mean or feel. That was a case of someone around me and it has touched in my life as well at least a few times. Grief comes back a few times you can forget but the memory stays. They told me to smile and not cry but they did not know how bad I felt in that moment but I can only know a bit of the painful loss you have suffered.
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
16 Jan
I understand ... people can say things and when they've never experienced ... they truly don't know 'not' to say the things they do. I'm sorry for the losses in your life.
1 person likes this
• Pamplona, Spain
16 Jan
@GrannyGee It is true a Matron said to me that she did not know what that kind of loss was until it happened to her personally. She said she had seen women lose their babies but it did not affect her on a personal level but when it came to losing her daughter she said that she thought she was going crazy for a while. Also she asked me how I coped with mine. I said if they had been much kinder to me even if only a bit it would have gone a long way but they were horrible and I had to endure it for four whole days. She said she admired the way I coped with it and I said she was really good herself too it must have been quite devastating to realize that it could happen to herself in the kind of Job you know where you seem to be in control of your life and others. She agreed that it was so. When the memory stops hurting so much it means you are healing and that is a very good sign.
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
17 Jan
@lovinangelsinstead21 Oh yes, you are so right!
@just4him (85286)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
18 Jan
Grief is a heavy burden to carry. I'm glad you have your husband and your dogs. Dogs have a way of lightening any burden, even grief.
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
18 Jan
You are so right. They never gave up on me. I could hear my husband's voice in the darkness I was in ... trying to help me come back. Dogs are forever loving no matter what.
1 person likes this
@just4him (85286)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
19 Jan
@GrannyGee Yes they are.
1 person likes this
@PatZAnthony (11721)
• Charlotte, North Carolina
21 Jan
It is true some never find happiness or peace again. Hopefully some can learn from your thoughts and see better days.
1 person likes this
@GrannyGee (1779)
• Louisburg, North Carolina
21 Jan
It is possible ... I would have never thought so.