Appropriate Punishments
By pumpkinjam
@pumpkinjam (8540)
United Kingdom
September 10, 2017 8:34am CST
Hello all. How are you?
My partner's 13 year old nephew has got himself into trouble at school and his mum is imposing punishment at home. The things she is using as punishment got me thinking.
I very rarely have need to punish my kids but on the occasions they do play up, I have trouble working out an appropriate punishment.
Nephew's punishment has included things like being made to tidy his bedroom, go without electronics, and help with shopping. I could do the electronic denial for my youngest but not the eldest as he only really uses computers for college work. I couldn't (and wouldn't) use helping with chores as a punishment because my kids are expected to do that anyway. I feel that making it a punishment for them to tidy up their own mess will be problematic for them and for me. I've always taught them that it's a necessary task and everyone's responsibility.
Anyway, it just got me thinking about it. Would you use household chores as a punishment for a child who is old enough and able enough to contribute that way anyway? What sort of things would you use as punishment for a child? For me, it would depend on the child, what they had done, and their understanding of what they had done.
4 people like this
6 responses
@deazil (4723)
• United States
10 Sep 17
I don't think doing household chores should be used as a punishment, chores should be considered a responsibility. I believe every family member should have some responsibility in their home. It think it instills good habits in children. When I was a teenager one of my jobs was to clean the bathroom every Saturday morning. Ugh, how I hated that job. 
But I loved the praise my mother showered on me when I was done - she made a point of telling me that no one could do the job like I did. I was always rearranging and trying to redecorate it after I cleaned everything. How much of that praise was psychology and how much was true praise, I don't know. But it worked - the bathroom was clean, mom was happy and I knew I was the best. Plus, after that was done I got to take off somewhere with my friends for the rest of the day. Win-win situation all the way around.
Like you, I believe a punishment depends on the child and what they've done. There were no electronics in the '50s-'60s, so generally I was grounded. I hated that.
But I loved the praise my mother showered on me when I was done - she made a point of telling me that no one could do the job like I did. I was always rearranging and trying to redecorate it after I cleaned everything. How much of that praise was psychology and how much was true praise, I don't know. But it worked - the bathroom was clean, mom was happy and I knew I was the best. Plus, after that was done I got to take off somewhere with my friends for the rest of the day. Win-win situation all the way around.
Like you, I believe a punishment depends on the child and what they've done. There were no electronics in the '50s-'60s, so generally I was grounded. I hated that.2 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8540)
• United Kingdom
10 Sep 17
That's what I do with my kids regarding their chores. Not so much now but I remember explaining to them about why they should do things. If I recall, I think I said that the more people working, the quicker we got done, and the more time we could all spend together. I also explained that it wasn't really fair to expect one person (i.e. me) to do everything. I've not had too much trouble with them. They now have set jobs. Well, the big one doesn't now he's moved out but he will still help out when he's here. The little one is responsible for his bedroom and then I ask him to give me a hand with whatever needs doing. My trick is to ask him to choose from the list of jobs!
But, yes, I agree that chores shouldn't be used for punishment because it should be something they do anyway. It also becomes a problem if they're asked to do something because it needs doing and they think they're being punished when they're not.
2 people like this
@deazil (4723)
• United States
11 Sep 17
@pumpkinjam It's good to explain to your kids the reasons behind those decisions. I think it makes it easier for them when things are put in the proper perspective, and at least they know you aren't being mean. LOL And giving the little one a choice is a great idea! Kids appreciate being treated like people and not just a kid. I think they get a feeling of being respected.
Yes, I think we can rule out chores as punishment. LOL I would never even think of that.
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
10 Sep 17
I expected my kids to do household chores as part of a family that works together so no, I could not use them as punishment.
I was taught that the punishment should fit the crime. If a child steals an item from the store they should return it if they haven't eaten it and work off the price. This could be sweeping the sidewalk or other labor. If they hit a playmate they should apologize sincerely and do something nice for them. This is called teaching. I think if you apply the right consequences that help to remedy the offense the child actually learns something rather than just being punished.
2 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8540)
• United Kingdom
10 Sep 17
I agree with you. The punishment should fit the crime. I'll always ask my children why they did whatever it was they did. The youngest is autistic so there are times when he genuinely doesn't know that something is wrong because he's never been expressly told so. In that case, I just tell him and explain why he shouldn't do it. If he does it again, he'll be punished accordingly. Not that I've had much of a problem with either of my children. They're unbelievably good! Although, when I have had to give a punishment, it's been difficult. When you have a child who, when told he loses a privilege, tells you he didn't want it anyway or who ends up enjoying whatever task has been given in punishment, that limits options!
2 people like this
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
13 Sep 17
@pumpkinjam Yes, I have a son like that! I believe every child is born with a temperament you can't change and that sometimes makes it very difficult to teach them proper behavior!
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
12 Sep 17
This can be a hard one because it really depends on what was done to deserve the punishment to begin with. As for household chores, that should be expected as a member of the household. My children clean up after meals because I cook them. They are old enough to do their own laundry and clean their own rooms. Electronics are the big rewards at our house, but work first, play later is how all my children were/are raised.
It's harder with children with different abilities, but it still all applies. I think one of the hardest things is we don't do our family fun days if one person gets in trouble at school. Kind of a an all for one program. If one person blows it, then we all suffer for it. Had made them more aware how their actions effect everyone else around them.
I honest can say we don't have too many problems other than need to maintain the element of consistency to keep everyone in the mind set that we need to constantly work together.
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8540)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 17
You work similarly to me. The only real difference is that my kids (especially the youngest) would be more likely to see missing out on a family fun day as a reward!
@prashu228 (37526)
• India
11 Sep 17
Helping in chores should not be as a punishment. Taking away electronics is a bit better.
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8540)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 17
That's what I think, too, but I also think it's better to give the electronics as a reward rather than let them spend all their time on them and punish them with time away.
Yesterday, my youngest did more than I'd normally expect of him. I asked him what he'd like as a treat and he couldn't think of anything so he had an extra half an hour computer time!
@lookatdesktop (27129)
• Dallas, Texas
10 Sep 17
You're grounded! I would be grounded or rather, told YOU CAN NOT GO VISIT YOUR FRIEND for one hour. You have to stay in your room. I would go to my room and ball like a baby. Some good that did. I think being grounded is not good. It didn't do any good for me. I am glad I don't have to deal with children. but I can relate. Step children and so forth usually just were hyper all the time. Now they only like to go online and play video games. I guess taking away their electronics for a little bit would serve
as punishment enough in my humble opinion.
as punishment enough in my humble opinion.1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8540)
• United Kingdom
10 Sep 17
Being grounded or sent to their room can work for some. Not so much for children who are generally unsociable anyway! When I was younger, my sister's response to being sent to her room was 'that's OK, that's where all my toys are!'
I prefer to use electronics as a reward for my youngest. It works better for him. For Nephew, he's allowed his devices all the time so taking it away is a punishment whereas my youngest is limited with his anyway so I can add extra time if he does something good. I do ban electronics on occasion but, as with chores, I don't want him to think that not going on a computer for a day is some drastic thing!
As for step-children, as much as I would like to see them more and would love to have spent time with them growing up, I am glad they were already adults when I met their Dad! I'm not sure it would have been better or worse for me to have been in their lives sooner!
1 person likes this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
11 Sep 17
You are correct; household tasks should be a normal part of their daily life @pumpkinjam . Taking away the electronics is always good. Not allowing them to go out with friends for 1 month.
1 person likes this
@pumpkinjam (8540)
• United Kingdom
12 Sep 17
In Nephew's case, I don't think he really has a social life so not allowing him to go out with friends would be a punishment (nor would it be for my children) but, yes, taking away electronics, although, as I've said before, I'd prefer to reward them with such things for being good than let them think that not being in front of a computer is a punishment.
1 person likes this
