Ten Movies I Wish I'd Never Seen: The Piano (#4)

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I need to begin today's look at a movie that's critically acclaimed that I should have just bypassed with a warning. WARNING: THIS DISCUSSION CONTAINS A HORRIFIC DESCRIPTOR. PLEASE USE CAUTION IF YOU'VE EATEN THIS YEAR!! There. I'm covered. Have your barf bags ready, because here's the next movie. #4: The Piano What's the "horrific descriptor," you might ask? Remember, I warned you. You still have time to look away. (Ever noticed JJ does this a lot, too?? Where do you think I stole it from??) Hurry! HARVEY KEITEL NAKED. While you hug the commode I'll continue. A full-frontal nude shot of Keitel isn't the only bad thing about this movie, but dang, isn't that enough!! This thing won Oscars out the wazoo (Holly Hunter for actress, Anna Paquin for supporting actress, and original screenplay, plus five other nominations), which leads me to believe that the more ridiculous and boring a movie is the more accolades it's going to receive. And this movie is just plain BORING. The plot is a woman, mute since childhood, arrives in New Zealand with her two prized possessions, her daughter and her piano, and is sold into a marriage. She doesn't love her husband, but she does love her piano. The problem is, some guy (Keitel) has it and will "sell" it back to her, one key at a time, for a lesson. With the horror descriptor above, you know that lessons went further. Anyway, jealous husband watches them have sex, eventually chops off one of her fingers (think he's chopping off the wrong part there to put an end to the affair....), and eventually she leaves with Keitel, gets a prosthetic finger, and starts to talk again. And you simply CANNOT find a critic who did anything but fawn, gush, and teenybop over this movie. BTW, you think the mention of Keitel naked is bad? Be thankful you didn't see the movie!! The Piano Directed by Jane Campion Released in 1993 Here's a good-looking piano player to take your mind off the visual mentioned above: