My Husband is Being Stalked by a Woman! What can we do?

@caribe (2465)
United States
December 17, 2006 11:18pm CST
In the early part of 2006 my husband had an affair with a woman. I was totally devastated to say the least. I had moved to his native country with him and I felt so alone and so betrayed. Well, we worked through this and I decided to stay because I have too much to lose otherwise. He stopped the affair but the woman is stalking him and her stalking has elevated. He got a new cell phone so she couldn't bother him and it was still on the charger, never used when she started calling it. He hadn't even learned the number himself yet! His dad was in the hospital recently and when he got back to his truck, there she was in the truck. Friday night he went to his GSA meeting and she got into the back of his truck while he was in the meeting. She wouldn't get out until he drove to the police station, went in and asked them to get her out. She calls my cell phone and my home phone which is also a number that nobody was supposed to know. I am worried that if she is so smart to learn these numbers, what will she do next? She wants him really badly because she thinks he is rich. His money came from me. It was my retirement. What should he do? What should I do? This is a serious discussion and it is all true, so please take it seriously. I really don't like to talk about my problems but I have nobody else I can talk to about this right now.
8 people like this
57 responses
@emarie (5454)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Yes a restraining order is th first best thing. the next is to make sure your numbers are unlisten. ask the phone company if you could change your numbers because someone is stalking you. keep documents recording all the times she interfers with your life. if possible try to get recordings of phone calls and keep them on file as well as dates of when she harrases your husband. this would be useful in a trial, or a case aganst her. also, get alarm systems, on the car and your house. so should couldn't get into your husbands truck anymore. once the restraining order is in place, she will be arrested every time she comes in contact with you, depending on what the judge will set the limit to. good luck, and just be careful. stalkers are scary. hopfully the police in your contry take it seriously.
2 people like this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Thank you for your advice, emarie. I have a tape recorder that I could hook up to the house phone. The problem with that is she can rarely get through using that phone because I am on the internet so much. LOL. But I might think about connecting it to the phone. I don't know what the laws are here on recording conversations. We have an alarm on both vehicles we own. He reset the sensitivity on the truck not long ago because it was going off too easily. I don't think the alarm going off would make a difference to her though. His friends were all there watching the show when she got into his truck the night he drove to the police station. They all followed him over there and sat back and watched the show. So that means there were a lot of witnesses to that particular incident. She didn't seem to care too much that she was causing a big disturbance.
1 person likes this
@bryelee (452)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I think you should contact the police and put a restraining order against her. She sounds like a complete freak so you might want to purchase some mace. This is a good reason for people not to cheat!
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I think getting mace is a good idea, thank you. She is a freak. Yes, listen and learn, it is a very good reason for people not to cheat. It comes back and bites you, one way or another.
@owlwings (39226)
• Cambridge, England
19 Dec 06
I think I would be very careful about using pepper spray (or mace, if you can find it.) First, its use as a defensive or offensive weapon by members of the public is illegal in many countries (I don't know about Nicaragua). Second, you should try to avoid doing anything which might act against you in court when getting a restraining order.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Does that mean I can't give her a Christmas gift of doggy poop wrapped up in a nice Christmas wrap and set on fire? I was starting to look forward to doing that. It sounded like a great idea to me. :0)
@msqtech (15226)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I think you should involve the authorities so that if something continues they will have a record of harassment and may put a stop to it. Merry Christmas!!
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
We plan to get them involved today, if possible. Thank you for your advice. Merry Christmas to you!
• United States
18 Dec 06
yes because they will help either put her in jail or maybe get her some help
1 person likes this
@medooley (1874)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Not only that but you should also keep a record of all the time that she comes in contact with him, of she calls you guys. Just as something as a piece of paper with dates times and what she did. If possible have other people sign it to say they were witnesses to her actions of they were there. The more information you have to show she is stalking him I think you would have a better chance of making it stick. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@wmg2006 (5386)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Sounds like a fatal attraction situation to me. Here are a few sites that may help protect you on an every day level while you let the law do their thing. I for one do not believe a restraining order can do much for protection. I work in the field of law every day and I see how things are done. I know the laws are different in Nicaragua than the US, but ultimately all nations have laws of protection. These laws of protection are just pieces of paper and do not hold much when it comes to actually protecting yourself and your family. There are certain things that should be done by you to try to stay away from a criminal/stlaker. I can not stress enough on how important it is for you and your husband to take precautionary measures while the law is processing its papers. I hope these sites help. They are about stalking in the US but they can be applied to anyone anywhere! http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs14-stk.htm http://www.stalkingvictims.com/survival/survival.htm
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Thanks wmg, I will check those sites out. I need all the info I can get. I refuse to let this thing control my life though. We have tried to put this whole mess behind us and get on with our lives but she is escalating her stalking. I don't know if it is because it is close to the holidays and she is miserable and wants everybody else to be, or what.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I have been reading some of the material on these sites. It is good material. One thing that popped out at me on the second site is that it said of the victim that "anxiety sets in. Never knowing when or where he/she's going to turn up or what he/she's going to do next, they can think of little else. They start to short-circuit mentally and emotionally." This has been happening to my husband. When I talk to him it's like he hears me but he doesn't. He is trying to listen but his mind is short-ciruiting. I knew he was having this problem but I didn't know what the problem was because he was trying to protect me from worrying about her. He knows we were so close to splitting up before and there was no peace at all in our home for quite awhile.
1 person likes this
@wmg2006 (5386)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I hope these sites will help you and him. It must be very scary for him too. I wish both of you all the best!
1 person likes this
@sbeauty (5871)
• United States
18 Dec 06
You poor thing! Hugs to you. How long have you and your husband been married? I would be afraid of this woman. Stalkers are always scary, because they have to have mental/emotional problems or they wouldn't be stalking in the first place. I'd demand to go back to the U.S. If your husband prefers to stay in Nicaragua with this woman, then go alone. I don't feel any sympathy for your husband, because his promiscuity has brought this problem on both of you, and you don't deserve it.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Thank you for the hugs, I need them. My husband and I have been married over fifteen years. We have been in Nicaragua almost two years. I never thought we would do this and I agree that it is his fault. He is trying to protect me from her now. I just wish he had thought of me before he decided to have an affair. As far as leaving, I refuse to give her what she wants which is my man and especially my property and belongings. That is really what she wants, my life. I bought and paid for what I have and some hussy is not going to walk in a take it over. While they were having their affair she was quizzing my neighbor that we bought our home from, as to whether my name was on the deed to the property. That shows right there what her motive is.
@gabs8513 (48716)
• United Kingdom
18 Dec 06
And I don't blame you either but please do everything that you can with the Law as she sounds like she will do anything to have him so be careful as well I am so sorry you have to go through this I really am and I am sending you hugs from here to and I really hope it is going to be stopped
1 person likes this
@rmuxagirl (7568)
• United States
18 Dec 06
HUGS to you!!! I agree with everyone else. I hope your husband does get a restraining order, but if that doesn't work you may have to move to a different place in your city. This is a problem and he did bring on you but at least he's trying to protect you now.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Dec 06
How did she get the phone numbers, personal info about the hospital visit (and keys to get in), etc? Someone is giving her this info/stuff. You need to keep track of what your husband is doing, maybe even hire a PI to watch him. I just can't imagine how for the life of me that she would be able to compile all this information and get kyes and whatnot without his assistance.
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
She lives almost within view of his parents home and he sees them everyday. So I think she probably uses that as her starting point for stalking. People in neighborhoods in this country talk about your business and everybody elses. It wasn't hard at all for her to find out his dad was in the hospital. He had been in the hospital for 10 or 15 days when she pulled the stunt at the hospital. His parents don't like her because they know about his affair and they wouldn't help her in the least, but possibly with all the gossiping that everybody does, maybe a cousin with a grudge might help her. I have thought about the fact that maybe someone is feeding her information, but like I said, it isn't too hard to get here. At first I thought maybe he had continued his affair with her and I just didn't know. I still can't be 100% certain but I think it is a case of a crazy woman that has built up a fairy tale life in her fantasies and doesn't want to give up the dream. If he still wanted to continue with her he wouldn't have struck her when nothing else worked to get her out of his car at the hospital and he wouldn't have driven to the police station for them to make her get out because I was totally unaware of any of it. She knows that if I heard that he had been seen with her, even just to take her home to get her out of his truck, I might believe that it is ongoing and I might leave. So, to me, that is a pretty good motive for her to do it. She thinks that if only I was out of the way she could have him and my house, my car, etc.
1 person likes this
• United States
19 Dec 06
Well, be careful because it seems odd that she could get phone numbers or keys to gain entry to his truck just by catching info from relatives (especially if you didn't think the phone numbers were available to even you or your husband yet). To get that cell number, she would either need an inside at the telco or she has stolen your identity?
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Oh, she didn't get inside the cab of the pickup. She was in the bed of the pickup, sitting in it waiting for him to come back to the truck. Thank you for your suggestion. I might have to hire someone to spy on him to be sure. But I don't know what the point would be to tell me about it since I didn't know about most of it until he told me. I did know about some text messages and she also called me. When I gave him the phone, she hung up. The one thing that concerns me is that maybe he is having an affair with someone else now and she is trying to tell me about it to get even with him. Yet that doesn't make since either because she sends him these messages that even though he doesn't want her anymore she still loves him..blah..blah..blah...The reason I started thinking this is because he said she might try to break us up so that she could have him by telling me that he is seeing yet another woman. Why would he say that? Maybe she threatened to do that, I don't know. He is home most of the time except when he goes to his GSA meetings, which is similar to AA. I know for a fact that he goes to the meetings so I don't know when he would have a chance to have a relationship with anyone.
@Marie2473 (8521)
• Sweden
18 Dec 06
I too have been in a swimilar situaton. i was with a man for 4 years and moved with him to his country. I found out he had an affair and I decided to forgive and move on. the woman would not leave us alone and that was the end of it. i couldnĀ“t handle it since i got no time to think and actually try to forgive. I think you should report her for harrassnment to the police, get a restrainingorder for both u and your husband - maybe that will cool her off. I do not understand how she got the number he just got himself though....
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I don't understand how she got the number so fast either. Because he had just opened the box and put it on the charger for a few hours to initially charge it up. He had never even made a phone call with it and she started calling on it before it was fully charged. The only thing I can think of is that she was stalking him when he bought the phone and then went in to the phone store and paid the sales person to give her the number. Anything over here can be bought with a little money even the police.
@Marie2473 (8521)
• Sweden
18 Dec 06
That might be an answer. may i ask where it is you live? I really hope it works out for u, like i said - report her to the policem even if they are corrupt!"
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I live in Nicaragua. The corruption might work in our favor as well. What I am saying is that it might actually be easier to get the restraining order, I am not sure.
@suedarr (2382)
• Canada
18 Dec 06
What a terrible situation you are in. I agree with all of the other commentators who said go to the police. This could get even worse if you do not. Best wishes and I hope it works out for you!
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
It is a bad situation. I rarely go out alone, but not because of her. But I am more careful now that I know she's getting really crazy. At first she was only following and calling him but now she is beginning to call me too. She would love to run me out of town but I am not really afraid of her unless she has a weapon or hires someone to hurt me. She has probably been stalking our home all along because I used to sit outside in the evenings shortly after the affair and I would see her pass my house and pretend to wait for a bus, etc. but for several months I haven't been sitting outside much. I am inside on the computer or watching TV so I wasn't aware that she was still doing it.
1 person likes this
@suedarr (2382)
• Canada
18 Dec 06
That is scary! Hopefully the authorities there can help you. It is like being a prisoner in your own home. She is obviously mentally disturbed.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
A friend of mine wrote me about someone on Ebay selling doggie poop from whatever size dog you want and packaging it up in a pretty Christmas wrap and sending it wherever you want it sent for $60. That got me thinking. I could box up some doggie poop in a pretty Christmas box, have someone deliver it to her house on Christmas Eve and tell them to put it on the front steps and set it on fire. Maybe she would stomp out the fire and get it all over herself. It cheers me up thinking about it anyway. LOL
• United States
18 Dec 06
There are stalking laws in most states, and if he has witnesses in the police officers who had to remove her from this truck. I would file a restraining order against her.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Unfortunately, we don't live in the USA but they do have restraining orders in this country. My husband plans to go get one tomorrow because she is getting dangerous.
@msqtech (15226)
• United States
18 Dec 06
I am glad to know that action can be taken Merry Christmas!!
1 person likes this
• China
19 Dec 06
sorry ,it is so bad..........
@milagre (1272)
• Portugal
18 Dec 06
i think the only way is to move to a place when she will never find out. Good luck
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I refuse to run.
@caribe (2465)
• United States
20 Dec 06
Yes, she would. If anybody is going to do any moving away, it will have to be her, because I am not budging.
@Metallion (2230)
• United States
18 Dec 06
Well in the end it's partly your husband's fault for making her feel he was interested in her. Also, maybe if she's still stalking him maybe he didn't completely end the affair and is trying to see her once in a while but she wants more. Remember, he had the affair in the first place, so you can't trust what he tells you. If he is concerned for his safety though he should go to the authorities, if he doesn't, well I'd say there's a reason he doesn't want to, like something is still going on between them.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
18 Dec 06
You are right. It is partly his fault. He did a really dumb thing that hurt everybody concerned. I don't know why people can't think of the consequences of their actions and have more control over themselves. I don't think he has been seeing her once in a while, but I can't say that for certain. I don't know when he has time, but I didn't think there was time when I found out he was having an affair with her to begin with. I realize that I can't trust him. I will never be able to trust him like I did before. There will always be a question there in my mind.
@owlwings (39226)
• Cambridge, England
19 Dec 06
It is very sad when you lose trust like that. I just hope that I am right in thinking that this woman was determined from the start and that your husband, in a moment of weakness, fell for it. As they say, it takes two to tango, but ...
1 person likes this
@ossie16d (11834)
• Australia
20 Dec 06
Stalking - Stalking
I did read this yesterday caribe but didn't want to make a response till I thought it through. Firstly I am thinking of you in this really awful period of your life. This is the definition of stalking that was given to us a few years ago when a former neighbour was stalking us - and this was only because we were selling our property but not to him. This was in Australia but might help you with points that you can keep records for. "Stalking" is a crime of harassment. Generally, a person commits the offense of stalking if he/she makes a credible threat to another person and, in connection with the threat, repeatedly follows that person or repeatedly makes any form of communication with that person or a member of that person's immediate family, whether or not a conversation ensues. A "credible threat" is considered to be one that would cause a reasonable person to be in fear for the person's life or safety, or the safety of his/her immediate family. If the stalking occurs by virtue of repeated communications, it is not necessary that the communications be made simultaneously with the threat to be considered "in connection" with the threat. They might occur before, during, or after the threat is made, so long as the communication is related to, a part of, or in furtherance of the credible threat. Stalking may also be deemed to occur when a person repeatedly makes obscene comments or gestures to another person with the intent to harass them, either personally or by telephone and includes acts done in public as well as those directed to someone in the privacy of their home. If the police say that they cannot help, then perhaps you should be talking to a good Solicitor/Lawyer. If necessary go to another town to see one so that everyone doesn't know all of your business. You have received some really good advice here from many others so I won't repeat all of it except to say that you should keep a record of all calls she makes to you and/or your husband. Also get security cameras and try to have them discreetly installed in and around your security fence. Also talk to your husband about drawing up some sort of legal document relating to the properties that you own, so that in the event of anything happening to your marriage all property reverts to you and from you to your children, with nothing to your husband. This document should be drawn up by a Solicitor/Lawyer, so there can be no comeback later on. Then the documents should be sent to the USA for sakekeeping, just as a security/safety precaution. Your husband might not be keen on this idea of course, but explain why you think this is necessary, i.e. she might leave you both alone once she realises that there is no financial benefit for her as he has nothing. I wouldn't get anyone to check on what your husband is doing because that would be playing right into her hands. You are working through a difficult time, and will have to rebuilt the trust, so it is best not to have your husband think that you suspect he is still involved with this woman. Also when he goes to meetings, is there any chance that you can go with him or alternatively pick him up after the meeting. This woman is dangerous unfortunately and so you do need to take all steps to protect yourself and your husband. Is there any chance that both of you can go to the USA, or somewhere else away from your home, for a holiday for a few weeks? If you could do that and get someone to look after the house, maybe this other woman would cool down a little. Also it would be good for you and your husband to have some time away from the stress this other woman is putting you and your marriage under. Good luck caribe and I hope that things work out a little better for you sooner rather than later.
@caribe (2465)
• United States
21 Dec 06
Thank you for all the research you did on stalking and for taking the time to think about what might be the best route to take. I agree with you that if there was a legal document it would slow her down. My problem is that I would want him to have the property if something happened to me. However, it might could be put in some type of confining trust. I don't know the laws here and when you get into legaleze in Spanish it is like a total new language so I could never be certain exactly what I am signing. The good news is that neither of us have heard anything from her in several days. Thanks again for all your suggestions and I will seriously consider them. Hugs.
@deebomb (15323)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I'm so sorry to learn of your troubles caribe. Some thing you might consider along with all the other advise and that would be to have all your asset tied up in such a way that if something did happen to you your husband would not get any thing since 2 it looks like her purpose. is riches. Fix it so he would get nothing then she will show her true colors Good luck. I'LL bepraying for you
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
That is definitely something to consider. Thank you for your prayers.
• United States
19 Dec 06
I would have a restraining order put on the crazy woman! and tell your husband to let her know he is done with her and wants NOTHING to do with her at all. and she better stop her "stalking moves" or she will be dealing with the police. I dont know what country your in,but most countries have laws about stalking people. hope you can solve your problem soon!
@caribe (2465)
• United States
20 Dec 06
He has told her, he has told her mother, and he has told her brother that lives near us that he wants nothing, whatsoever to do with her. We are in Nicaragua and I don't know if they have stalking laws or not. Thank you so much for your advice.
@innechen (1321)
• Indonesia
19 Dec 06
stalking - stalking
you and ur husband should report her to the police, because however what she did has threaten you life and your husband life.ask you friend who know about the law on how to repost this kind of case.because seems to me that she could be put u and ur family in danger.it'll be better to stop her before she act far further and hurt people physically.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
20 Dec 06
I appreciate you taking the time to post to my discussion and give me your advice. I agree that she could become very dangerous.
@blair99 (20)
• United States
19 Dec 06
sorry to hear that I would file a restraining order against her. i dont know how she getting your hubby cell phone number but thats not right. what do the police say to do. make sure you get a restraining order as soon as you can to keep her away after you get it if she come there you and your hubby she will go to jail. i hope you get her of your back. has she done this to any one else you know of.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I don't think that I know anyone that has known her for a long period of time, so I don't know. She has a teenage son and a four year old and I figure by their big age difference that they have different fathers but I don't know anything about her relationship with those children's fathers. If it was a stalker type relationship or what. Probably not, their father's are probably as destitute as she is and she wouldn't consider them a good catch.
• India
19 Dec 06
Hugs to you.. I also agree with all others... Getting a restraining order is a good and a safe option
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Thank you for your advice and hugs.
@babykay (2133)
• Ireland
19 Dec 06
you need to hire a private detective to find out exactly what your husband has been up to and to find out all about this women, then get the police involved. I don't know why you haven't done so already. This woman could be dangerous so take care.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Thank you for voicing your opinion. Yes, she could be dangerous.
@owlwings (39226)
• Cambridge, England
19 Dec 06
I haven't had time to read all the responses, Caribe, but the ones you have had so far look to be very helpful. I am so glad that you agreed to stay with your husband (I hope, not just because it's your money), in spite of the affair. It sounds to me as if he is genuinely contrite (as he should be, of course). It did occur to me, reading your story and what you subsequently added that the affair may not have been entirely your husband's fault. This woman seems to be exceptionally determined and it's very likely that she has been all along. It sometimes takes a very strong man indeed not to fall into the traps that such people set. It certainly seems that you must take legal advice and, as someone suggested, record every detail of this woman's harassment. If it's possible to get a restraining order on her then that would certainly be the next step. If she broke it, then she ought to go to prison - but I am judging things by how they would happen in the UK. I do wish you (both) all the best and hope that this very trying situation is quickly resolved for you so that you can go on with your life.
1 person likes this
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
Thank you owlwings for your kind words. No, I am not staying with him just because it is my money. I genuinely love this man. If I didn't, I would probably have left months ago. In every other way he has been a wonderful husband to me. He treats me like a queen in so many ways. That's why it is so difficult to understand why he did this indiscretion to begin with. I think he really loves me as well. I agree with you that she probably set a trap for him to begin with because she began right away to enquire of his finances and holdings and whether it was only in his name, etc. So I think she had money as a motive from the beginning. I am hoping that he will follow through and get the restraining order. Thank you for your kindness.
@14missy (3185)
• Australia
18 Dec 06
This is awful. I have an experience that doesn't go as deep as yours but I'll share. My husband and I separated a few years ago. He was seeing a woman in this time. When my husband an I reunited, she continued to call him and email for months. I eventually had enough as my husband wasn't recipricating. He would show me the emails and texts. I found out where she worked (I drove for an hour) and confronted her about it with a lot of class (I think) She rang my husband straight after I saw her and he also told her to leave him alone. She hasn't had contact since. We did move to another state though and changed phone numbers etc. I haven't heard from her since and this was 6 months ago. Good luck to you. My thoughts are with you.
@caribe (2465)
• United States
19 Dec 06
I am glad that your story has a happy ending. I hope mine will also. Thanks for sharing your story.