Engaged for 2 years with a man who has a boy from a previous marrige?

@succed (879)
United States
December 25, 2006 8:14pm CST
I am hurt and I dont know what to do. I am engaged with the man I love who has a boy from a previous marriage. When this boy is with us during weekend I take care of him like my own. When we told the boy that we are going to get married he just plainly said "I dont want you to be my step-mom, you are just a friend" This bothers me a lot. This is being disrespectful to me. What should I do? (do not marry the boys dad?) We own the house together, should I just leave? (The fact that my fiance has him already he sounded like he does not want anymore kid). I told him in the very beginning that I want to have a family. ( meaning a husband and atleast one kid) He said he would give me one. But seeing his disrespectful boy it makes him not marrying him and not having kid with him. Can anyone pictures what's going on this scenario? What the best thing you could do in this situation? Please serious replies only. Thanks and Merry Christmas to all.
9 people like this
93 responses
@deebomb (15347)
• United States
27 Dec 06
Step mothers have a bad reputation. Look at Cinderella , and Snow White. M ay be you should aks the boy why he dosen't want you to be his stepmom. Could it be he's afraid that you will turn mean? Maybe friends sounds better to him. He will come around if you continue as you have.
1 person likes this
@ae2324 (84)
• United States
26 Dec 06
When i was younger it did bother me when one of my parents would try to get married. All kids are like this. But people have to move on. They cant be lonely forever right? If he considers you a friend, it means he will like you a whole lot once you marry his dad. If he doesnt like you, once you marry his dad he may start to like you a little. Thats how it was as far as i remember.
• Ireland
26 Dec 06
i m very sorry for you. i imagine what you are going through.the best ting would be to sitt down and talk this out.you were saying that the boy is coming to live with you just in the week ends. so what is his problem? why he is agains you marrying his father. i think he is gelous, that you or a future baby will take his fathers attention.
1 person likes this
@kris55 (853)
• Canada
26 Dec 06
From the sounds of it, it looks like the boys mother has maybe mentioned something to him that if his dad gets married to you, then he doesnt have to consider you his mom. If it was me, I would have a private conversation with the boy and find out what is really bothering him. You should be able to have this conversation with him, afterall, you are joining the family, so just try it out!! Good Luck
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
Yah, it sounded like it, And I quickly asked him if his mother was telling him this. and he denied it. I have the instinct that his mother did brainwash this boy.
@kris55 (853)
• Canada
26 Dec 06
well, I didnt really mean brainwashed, but maybe she is insecure in regards to her son having affection towards you. This is sooo common. She may have mentioned some things to him, wheather or not she meant those things you cant tell, but I would just talk to him and see where things stand.
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
yah at one point the boy came back from his mother and did mention to us that his mom told him " I dont want you to have a step mom " Why would it bother her when she herself remarried to a second husband which the boy called him step-dad.
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
26 Dec 06
I would put the boy's reacation right out of my mind. If he doesn't want to visit the home then he can stay away. There is no reason for the boy to change your plans. He is not the adult here. Be sure to let him know that he is expected to still obey you as before, though.
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
Yah, I told the boy that "that's just telling me you dont want me, So I dont want you in this house either, Do you want that? He then realized that he was wrong. He was sorry, but then I told him that he need to respect me otherwise, he is not gonna live with me if he dont obey and respect me.
@gabs8513 (48805)
• United Kingdom
26 Dec 06
No that is not what she saying Childrens minds work in a strange way What you have to do is let the Boy come round himself just tell him that is does not mean things are going to change that everything will stay as it is Once you are married things will settle on their own after a while A child hears a lot and that would have been the first thing that came to his mind, it is not disrespectful it is a statement in the Childs mind Do not pressure him let him come round himself and carry on as normal When you have your Own you will understand what I am saying here Children have their own little points and express them so do not take it to much to heart give it time
@Ravenladyj (22992)
• United States
26 Dec 06
" "that's just telling me you dont want me, So I dont want you in this house either, Do you want that?" did you really say that to him?? WHY?! I'm sorry but that was just mean and heartless..he's reacting just like he shoudl and you should be working WITH HIM not belittling him into acting how you want or responding how you want...he is very very entitled to his feelings and they are perfectly normal feelings for him to have..Just like its been mentioned, YOU are the adult and saying that was just mean...You basically just threatened him into accepting you which means he's just telling you what you want to hear so he can see his dad....I'm sorry but you were way out of line by telling him that..
1 person likes this
• India
26 Dec 06
i dont understand one thing that when u know that the person whom u love is already married and and is already having a boy , after knowing all this how could u love him. i think even now it is not late and u must change your mind about him.
@kris55 (853)
• Canada
26 Dec 06
she said it was a previous marriage!! Why couldnt she love him?
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
Thanks Kriss for clear this out!
@kris55 (853)
• Canada
26 Dec 06
no prob~~
• Canada
26 Dec 06
Hi succed... you're in a tough situation. My husband is a step-dad to my two children and I am thankful every day that they love him and accept him with their whole hearts. Being a step-parent is a really hard job at the best of times. When we decided to get married, we took the children to a restaurant for dinner and then we told them that we would like to get married and asked how they felt about it. We wanted to be sure that they understood that they did have the right to have an opinion about things that affect them. They were both REALLY excited and told us that they would be happy if we got married. I have to wonder how your fiancee speaks about you to his son and if front of him. Does he make it clear to the boy that he loves you and that you are not just "his friend"? If you have been together for two years, the boy should be able to see the difference between a love relationship and just a friendship?! You don't mention how old the son is but, if he is still quite young, they often carry wishes that their parents will someday get back together and, if this happens to be the case, then maybe he refuses to think of you as "family." It sounds like you have a lot of different things that you need to be really sure about before you marry his dad. I wouldn't recommend that you call off your wedding because of the boy. Children do have a way of adapting (even if it means that it's going to be a tough situation at first)... but the issue of you wanting children of your own and not being 100% sure that your fiancee wants more -- THAT is something that you really need to work out before you even consider getting married. I really wish you the best of luck with it all... I'm sure it's an emotional rollercoaster for you all!
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
It is really, I didn't realized that I could hurt the words from the boy's mouth. It is really tough for me. And thanks for the advice, this is why I did not do anything when is the marriage taken place because of that fact that he is not sure of having another one.
@soldenski (2504)
• United States
26 Dec 06
My daughter is 15, her father has passed away, yet, she still does not accept my husband and we've been married for seven year's. I just think that since I was "alone" for many year's before I married and she never met any other man, she was assuming that I would be single for the rest of my life. I alway's thought that I would not marry a man if he has a child from a previous relationship, even if I did. I don't want the drama that come's with ex's. Hopefully he will accept you getting married, if not Good luck!!! lol
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
If I was your daughter I want my mom to be happy. And getting married I would say yes and accept the man you are going to be with as long as you are happy. A person who can not accept of their parents other half is selfih.
@fidainc (412)
• Singapore
26 Dec 06
Why don't you stop thinking about yourself for once and put yourself int hat boy's shoe. He has a complicated family. Do you think he is able to cope with his parent's divorce? How does it feel to make a kid to love you like his own mummy? A mother is irreplacable, mind you. Once a stepmom, always a stepmom. He can be nice to you id he wants to but never force it on him that you're his new mummy... doesnt't work that way. Pray that he doesn't hate you is step no. 1.
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
didn't you read read my posting well. Go back and re-read it again. I did not mention to be his new mummy and I never wish it. All I mention here is to a boy to respect me. Can't you understand english. Sorry but you are mean.
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
fidainc, Why wouldn't I think of myself? This is my future and I dont want a big hindrance between me and my fiance. I want this a successful marriage without any regrets. When all this problems happen you got you think how you can solve this problem before moving on. THINK woman?
@szmove (45)
• China
26 Dec 06
Please consider leave him if he could not give you a kid and full love on you.On my sides,I can't accept a family without kid and love.And I think it is very difficult to be a step-mom.Just my suggestion,FYI.
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
Have you seen a movie "STEP MOM" It is very difficult dealing with this kind of relationship.
@vkbllm (474)
• India
26 Dec 06
Hello, I was touched by reading ur problem. You are a very good person infact! Your conscience is very active abd thats wonderful! In this situation, I can only say that Please dont marry that man. By marrying this man u will spoil atleast 4 lives. And wats the gurantee he will not leave u? That man is not trust worthy.
• Germany
26 Dec 06
where in her situation do you get that the man is not trustworthy? You have no idea why things didn't work out between the fiance and his ex. How do you know the ex did not do something to leave the man. And how are 4 lives spoiled? When two people come together in love their lives are not spoiled. and the fiance and the ex may be better off apart. Please do not put your past experiences into her situation when those facts are not included in her situation. I am sorry that some guy has hurt you, but its not always the men that do the damange to the relationship...
@chertsy (3817)
• United States
26 Dec 06
I wouldn't be worried about the child, he just has mixed emotions about you becoming his dad's wife. The idea of mom and dad thing getting back together is out the window. It freaks a kid out when there parent wants to remarry and it's not with his other parent. That's all that is. I would be more concern about the fiance telling you he said he would give you a child. What is he, The Great one. He decides if you get a child or not out of the marriage. You really need to talk to your fiance about this. See how he acts around his son. Does he play with him, does things with him, etc. Before thinking of having a child with him. Good Luck.
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
I will update the situation. Sure we all have a big discussion about this. I can't disregard this disrespectful behaviour of this boy.
• United States
26 Dec 06
well i have been in your situation and its a hard decision that only you can make. but i can tell you this from my point of view that if you really truly love that person without a doubt or concern of being with this person then you should be with that person.the boy will see that his dad is happy and will come around to understand. it takes time and wont happen over night. so the question you need to ask yourself is what can you put up with to be in the relationship? no matter what your happiness and his is what matters. children adapt to the inviroment the are in.so i say if you do love him unconditionally then sit down with him and the boy and discuss it openly.put it all on the table now beflre moving on.my blessings are with you and good luck!
@succed (879)
• United States
26 Dec 06
Thanks, I surely will have a big talk about this with him and his boy. I just can't move on, I need my fiance to sit down with him and talk to him. I just want him to respect me.
• United States
16 Jan 07
I can understand what you are saying. First of all you need to sit down and talk with your fiance about what his son said to you. Does he know what he said? If so, what was her reaction?? Don't leave him just because he doesnt want you to be his step mom. I would tell him then thats fine, i dont have to be your step mom, i will always be your friend. How old is he??? He might not understand what it all means maybe.
@suzannaz (73)
• Canada
16 Jan 07
You don't say how old the boy is and that could have a lot to do with his reaction. The fact is that a lot of kids don't want/need a step-parent and if he is willing to accept you as a friend then you are way ahead of the game! Take what you can get. I don't hear disrepect but honesty from this boy.
@asfi123 (955)
• India
27 Dec 06
i think you must go and have a talk with this child say him that you will be a great mother to him try persuading him but even after that he does not agree then marry his dad nad give him time time is the greatest healer and i am sure if you are patient and loving to him he will love you and accept you as ur mom
@virky0391 (566)
• Indonesia
27 Dec 06
Well, I think it's better if you don't marry the boy that. Yse, they bos like you as his friends, but not his mom. Maybe, the boy think, If you marry his father, his father won't be take care of him anymore. He will give more attention for you than him. That's ok if you want to marry his father. But you must promise to yourself and the boy of course, you will take care of the boy very well, as your own child.
@sbeauty (5871)
• United States
26 Dec 06
I always counsel anyone in this position to get out now. I have been a step-parent for 30 years, and it's a no win situation. I always told my daughter this, and she ignored me and married a man with a little boy. Now she has two children of her own, she's struggling with not having the same feelings for her stepchild as she does her own. I always felt that. My stepkids tried to break up my husband and me by pitting us against each other. One boy lived with us for awhile, and he was a master at driving wedges between he and his dad and me. They were always costing us money we didn't always have. I remember taking the two youngest about 50 miles one day to a bigger city shopping. We spent all day buying them things, playing the arcade, eating lunch, etc. On the drive back home my stepdaughter sighed and said, "I wish my dad and mom would get back together." She didn't realize what she was saying, but it still made me feel so bad. There are a lot more stories, but I think you get the idea. It's very, very hard to be an extra parent having to do the work but getting none of the percs. My daughter was really hurt at Christmas. She has her stepson about 6 days a week. Yet, when he made a gift in school for his mother, he gave it to his mother and ignored my daughter. It's just the way step-parenting goes.
@babykay (2133)
• Ireland
26 Dec 06
You don't say what age this boy is, but if he made the instant connection between you being married and having a stepmom he must be fairly advanced. I think you need to respect his feelings to the extent that you try to talk things through with him and allow him the time and space to express them which it sounds like you already have but you need to engage your fiance's help in letting him know that the decision has already been made and he is being informed rather than being asked for an opinion. It is quite natural though that he would not be that pleased. No way should you break up your relationship though, after all this is boyfriend's child rather than boyfriend himself who has been negative about you 2 getting married. Its really good to hear that you and your boyfriend know exactly what you both want out of the marriage in terms of children etc.
• United States
26 Dec 06
One of the most important actions of any human being towards another is tolorence. Patience and Kindess are others. I had a situation similar to yours and I persisted in kindness and patience. Think of his son for a moment. His whole world is torn apart. His security is gone and now new people are in his parents lives. He acts like this because he is looking for his father to reassert his place in his fathers life. It really doesn't have anything to do with you at all. Give him time, let him get used to the idea of his father having another person in his life and realize that his dad loves him just the same. Remember, your are NOT competing with his son, if you turn it into a competition...you will lose in the end.
@citygirl (1083)
• Canada
26 Dec 06
I think you are hurt an maybe over reacting. How old is the child. what did his father say when the child said that. You can't blame the dad for what the child said. stop and think and get over your anger before you do something you regret. Wait a day and discuss it with your fiance.