a baby and not married

@malemi (21)
United States
January 2, 2007 5:19pm CST
i have a baby but not married to the babies father we are still together but still living with our parents hoping that will change soon i just might move in with him and his parents i know some people would say that not being married is wrong. we have be together for 5 years and still not married . is it wrong? i think that we are still getting to know who we are together and as one what do you think?
4 people like this
73 responses
@jenbatres (800)
• United States
3 Jan 07
after 5 years you should know each other, but you should not be pressured to get married. How does the baby's father feel about marriage? Why not get jobs or second jobs and a get small apartment together? I would rather have the freedom and responsibility of my own place than live with my parents. I have been living on my own since 15, best of luck
3 people like this
@deedles88 (297)
• Australia
3 Jan 07
I know what thats like. I have a 9 month old daughter, and her father adn i arent married. We are planning it, but it just hasnt happened yet. We do live together. Even though we are planning to get married, live together and support our child, we still get judged because we 'sinned' and so on.. I think that people need to mind their own business, and whats right for them (ie. getting married, then having kids) might not be right for others!
2 people like this
• Ireland
3 Jan 07
Same here, although I am not planning on getting married. I don't believe in marriage, simple as that. I understand that in some cultures, people look down on couples and parents who aren't married but it's not like that where I am from. It's none of anyone's business and there are plenty of unhappy marriages so you have to do what is right for you,not everyone else. As long as you are both happy, then your child will be happy and secure and if he has money problems then it is a good idea for him to sort that out before you live with him, I think. It's your life and you have to do what is right for you. I couldn't care less what people think of me as long as my own family are happy with the way things are. And we are happy :)
2 people like this
• Philippines
3 Jan 07
im in the same situation as you. We've been living in together for about 2 years. Our baby is turning 3 this year. But i'm hoping that before the kiddo could go to school, me and my partner would be married. even if it is just a civil wedding. the church wedding could follow next.
2 people like this
@fervor (8)
• India
3 Jan 07
U people just seems to be not ready to face the reality... Well 5 years r too much of time to know each other... and since till now u don't have any problem, it means u can stay together married... Marriage also gives both of u more right over each other... Now if u people r running from that, or u don't want any sort of bonding, well stay as u r... But it would be wise to get married... its good for ur babies also......
• Canada
3 Jan 07
If you have been together for 5 years, have had a child and are still together, I believe that is a positive thing. If you are raising the child in a stable and loving environment (regardless of who you live with), then you are doing the best you can do. I know that finances are often a concern and I think you are wise to get that under control before you consider marrying or moving anywhere else. By the way, I think it's pretty great that you have the support of both sets of parents. Not all parents would be that accepting. I have an acquaintance that I have known since high school. She lives common-law with the father of her children and the kids are now 15 and 11 or 12 years old. She told me a long time ago that she had absolutely no intention of marrying the father but that they would live together instead. They've stuck to that, after all these years. In any case, where I live, in the eyes of the law, they are living "as married" anyway, after all this time. You are young... make sure that you keep both your relationship and your child as priorities. You seem to be taking the time to make sensible decisions. Best of luck to you all :)
2 people like this
• United States
2 Jan 07
I think 5 yrs. is too much to know each other, in many religions, couples r not allowed to meet b4 marriage. I will advice u to get married as soon as possible as that will gie u a sense of protection & help & love, etc. etc.
@Darkwing (21588)
2 Jan 07
No, I don't think you are doing the wrong thing at all. Far from it, in fact. The baby has its security in both that you have stayed together with your partner, and the grandparents are on hand with extra support. As long as you both get along with the parents and it doesn't upset the child's security, then I don't see anything wrong with it. You also have the added bonus that if you should fall out with your partner, you don't have to go through a messy divorce. However, and this is just an additive, not a slight. Five years is quite a long time to have to make up your minds about whether you want to spend the rest of your lives together. So, why not tie the knot and quieten those who disagree with your lifestyle. I'm sure you and your partner will be staying together for a lifetime. You sound pretty content with things. Good luck to all three of you and to both of your families, who are very understanding people.
1 person likes this
@malemi (21)
• United States
3 Jan 07
thanks now im just stuck whether or not to move in with him and his parents until he is done paying off his credit cards which will be done by the end of this year.
2 people like this
@Darkwing (21588)
3 Jan 07
Talk with him and come to an agreement as to which is best for you both. It seems to me that you love each other very much and perhaps if you did move in with him now, you could help him somewhat. Good luck to you, whichever decision you make. You seem like a very special person.
2 people like this
@missinghim (1339)
• United States
3 Jan 07
What I think is wrong is the fact that you are having children but still living with your parents. If you are grown enough to have children, then you need to be grown enough to get a place of your own so that you & your child are not your parent's burden and responsibility. You need to get yourself together for the sake of your child. If you two are choosing not to get married then that is all well and good, but for you to put your responsibilities off onto your parents is soooo wrong.
1 person likes this
@gary87 (129)
• India
3 Jan 07
i think that 5 years is more than enough . people come to know about each other in a few days and marry after it then 5 years must be more than enough. if u are staying for 5 years then you must have quite well adjusted with each other, and there's no reason why you shouldn't marry now. and the child does not matter a bit
3 Jan 07
These days marriage is not that important, i have a few friends who have got married just because they are having a baby. I don't think having a baby should mean you have to get married. It takes alot of time to get to know someone and 5 years isn't really that long.
1 person likes this
@graciee (26)
• Philippines
3 Jan 07
i advice that you get your married soon.. its for the security of your family especially the kids. It is always good to have it all legalized. As you said you've been together for five years which means you know each other very well do in the case of mutual relationship, i dont think you have a problem.
1 person likes this
@mayakup (1309)
• United States
3 Jan 07
if you are still getting to know eachother then why did you have a baby together? this is wrong..also you are both adults dont u think it is time to pay some rent on your own?
1 person likes this
@atreyasa (79)
• India
3 Jan 07
what you did it's a wrong ..... better marry him soon
1 person likes this
@khalid111 (186)
3 Jan 07
i dont think there is nothing wrong with having a baby and not being married but you have to be certain that you and your partner are sure you want a baby together because its unfair on the baby to be brought up without either the father or mother
1 person likes this
@jimotman (634)
• Indonesia
3 Jan 07
if you already have a baby, then you should get married, if you haven't it's ok for you to live together without getting married.. in where I live, if a child's parents are not married, then the child cannot get all the paperworks he needs like birth certificate etc.
1 person likes this
@onesiobhan (1330)
• Canada
3 Jan 07
I'd check into the laws where you live and make sure that both you and the child are legally protected in case the father decides to leave you. In some places it doesn't matter where you are married or not. In some places you have no legal recourse if the father abandons you. I don't care if it's "right" or not, but I think you need to be aware of what the potential dangers are.
1 person likes this
@diannne (200)
• Philippines
3 Jan 07
theres nothing wrong with it, youre just being sure of yourselves.. ve known couples like you who has more babies but still arent maried. being married requires maturity and preparedness, so if you werent then why wed? :D
1 person likes this
@Didon31 (106)
• Indonesia
3 Jan 07
Have a baby is miracle from god! it is doesn't matter you married or not. But in my religion married must be done. it is make your relation ship more pure in God.
@LaLaLisa (29)
• United States
3 Jan 07
I had a child when I was 19. We lived with my boyfriend's parents after our son was born and it ended up that we did not work out. What you have to keep in mind is what you said: "I think we are still getting to know who we are together as one." I know for a fact that I made a lot of dumb mistakes in my relationship because I was so young and just wanted to live my life. I thought I was "entitled" to go out once in a while, have fun and be a normal person in my early twenties. The stress of having a child was so much for us that it tore us apart. While we were good parents, neither one of us realized how immature we were being about our relationship. Stay strong and be patient. Also stay true to yourself and what you believe. Give your boyfriend room to be himself and make sure you take time for you away from the boyfriend and away from the baby - it is essential to your sanity level!! Good luck with everything and don't hesitate to drop me a note if you wanna chat :)
@SnIcKasS (1378)
• Israel
3 Jan 07
No, I know a couple just like that. even take angelina and brad for an example. They are together, with children, but they are not married ^^