Men

United States
February 21, 2007 10:33pm CST
Have any of you ever encountered this problem. I'm with a guy, have been for many years, we're engaged. He's very selfish in the way that he doesn't think about my feelings or my wishes before he does things. He's inconsiderate. He'll leave for the store(we're in a long distance right now) and he'll be gone for 8 hours.. His response "I fell asleep." Now, I know my original thought was "oh no f-er you are not cheating on me.." I've been promised by two brothers, his dad, and his son that he's not cheating on me. I realize they could be lying too..anyway. Is it normal for men to lose track of time, and just be inconsiderate about things like that? He's 28. I have a friend who has a man who is guilty of the same stuff. He buys things without thinking about their budget, because "he wants it." Just a bunch of inconsiderate acts rolled into one. Is being inconsiderate about feelings a man thing in general or is my man just a stupid butt? You can be honest.. I know he's a stupid butt.
4 people like this
25 responses
@limosonia1 (1559)
• United States
22 Feb 07
Although men can be inconsiderate it sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. My husband would never leave like that ever. Even when we were dating. You think that in the beginning is when they try to show you how great they are. Can you imagine what he is going to turn into when he is comfortable.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 07
The first three years of our relationship he was not like this. He was wonderful, on time, caring, considerate..completely unlike himself today. I just don't get it.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 07
Sounds like he got comfortable. LOL. Some men take advantage of a good thing becausr the think nothing will ever come of it. You are going to have to put you foot down and let him know that his actions upset you maybe he will come around.
1 person likes this
@kims374 (300)
• United States
22 Feb 07
I agree, if you don't tell him what is on your mind and put your foot down, he will never realize what he is doing; sometimes men don't realize alot of things ,and take you for granted....has to change now, or it never will, and will only get worse.
@nicolec (2673)
• United States
22 Feb 07
I have been dating a guy who is the exact same way. What really gets me is when he knows I am waiting to hear from him and he does the same thing your man does, he takes a nap. I told him I can't stand him. Because that tells me that he is being selfish. Is it that hard to pick up the phone and say 'I'm going to nap now, but I just wanted to call you back before I did'. How hard is that? Or he'll make plans with his friends for Saturday night. Which I have no problems with. But doesn't bother to tell me ever. So here I am thinking that maybe we will see each other sat. night. And then finally at like 8 pm, he'll be like oh, i made plans with the boys. Well do you think you could have told me so I could have made other plans! He is constantly doing things with out thinking. I finally told him enough. I've had enough. Either change or I'm walking. And I am totally prepared to walk because I deserve to have someone make me important. Not themselves.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 07
I'm sorry your man treats you the same way. I just dont know whats wrong with him or why he behaves like this. Then he acts like he did absolutely nothing wrong. Seriously how hard is it to say "Im going to take a nap..goodnight." Grr
@nicolec (2673)
• United States
22 Feb 07
Yes, that's what bothers me the most. They think they did nothing wrong. And then blame me for being to analytical or too emotional. Or whatever they can come up with. I just get so tired of it. How about a little respect?
@adidas7878 (2013)
• United States
22 Feb 07
hi friend, i am 28 years old and sometime i buy things without thinking about my budget, but i never been selfish i always treat my exgirlfriend good, i buy them stuff if i can pay for it. and i never leave to go to the store and be gone for 8 hours without calling, but it is normaly to lost track of time but a long long hour i never done that, i cant judge what kind of man is your man, i dont judge without know, if you really worry about him cheating on you, follow him or something. i am sorry to hear that is not treating you well anymore.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 07
Thank you for all of your nice comments and well wishes. I'm glad to hear that you treat your woman well. :)
• India
22 Feb 07
dont worry men do have a tendency to shop beyond their pockets nothing new n it though leaving his wife after something is something diff ...in india atleast thats not considered good....but in case of shopping men though not good at shopping seem to falll fo r all the stuff they see
• India
22 Feb 07
I have encountered same kind of feeling with my guy many a times...but now I understand that its not the inconsiderate all the times but also inexpressive behaviour for which most men cannot react..my way was to be open and discuss..do not rely on the other 2 men..talk to him directly may be it will be of some help best of luck!!
@arwenrey (316)
• Philippines
22 Feb 07
I thinks most men are insensitive, like my husband in terms of financial needs he never take the initiative to spare me some money even if he knew that i am bancrupt i have a job though but its not enough. Sometimes i feel that i need to become fiancially secure for myself otherwise i will become a slave to my husband.
1 person likes this
@yanjiaren (9050)
22 Feb 07
he sounds like he is going the the i'm a selfish prat phase lol and maybe before you put the wedding ring on..he needs to know a few home truths..everyone isn't perfect but if he is not going to show consideration now..what will happen five years down the line when you have to go through the thick and thin of daily life and problems? i think a gentle prep talk might be what you need to nudge him gently in the right direction..no mind games..that's a waste of time with men..maybe you can be 'busy' now and then..the rare is dear..he might star having time to think..
1 person likes this
@Joey322 (272)
• United States
22 Feb 07
it's a "man thing". my husband has an allowance every month and I handle the finances. i get up and tend to the baby in the morning while my husband just has to worry about himself in the A.M. sometimes, i get lucky and he'll take care of taking the dog outside and feeding him, but that usually only happens after i get on his butt about it. i'm sure he isn't cheating on you, well, i'm not sure, but it sounds like he's just being a "man" and that's all. my husband does stuff all the time with only thinking of himself. it's taken some time, but he is getting better. i had to stop getting mad and just flat out tell him what i expected. i think i may have hurt his feelings a bit, but it has made a difference. i just told him : honey, you are acting like you're still single and all you ahve to worry about is yourself. you can't do that anymore. you have me, the baby and the dog, now and everything you do and think and say needs to keep that in mind! he'll never be like me and i don't want him to be, but he has gotten better. hope that helps! take care:)
• United States
22 Feb 07
Thank you. Its nice to hear that part of it is just a man thing.. I realize another big part of it is inconsiderate behavior and jerkiness.
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
22 Feb 07
You will get exactly what you are willing to put up with. You need to ask your self some serious questions, as to why you are letting this happen, You openly admit that he is selfish, inconsiderate, etc. If you know all this my question is What are you thinking, that one day he is going to get the message and change. Please Please do not hold your breath for that one, That you can make him change, not likely hasn't worked for you so far. I would imagine that it is fear that is holding you back from doing any thing, and it is now time to face that fear, because living with it has gotten you here, Are you happy with your life? Think again girl and get moving
• United States
22 Feb 07
Thank you so much for that.. I really appreciate the honesty in this response. You're right, and I thank you.
• United States
22 Feb 07
Yes he sounds like he needs to grow up. If he can't think of you then is he worth waiting for? Do you intend to get married any time soon? Sure don't sound like it to me. If he is a long ways away how can you trust him. Has he always been long distance from you? My husband is real considerate of my feelings and I have never remember him to be gone that long at once with some stupid reason. I think you had better check into things some more before you make the final walk.
• United States
23 Feb 07
Hi, I agree. What you see is what you get. It sounds like he's immature and not ready to commit to marraige. At 28, maybe he's afraid of the big step. On the other hand, trust your instincts about him cheating on you and raise those standards girl. If he will not change and treat you like the queen you are, then show him the door. You and your kids deserve a guy who knows your worth and there are many guys out there who would. Don't walk the aile till you see some big (mature) changes. Good luck!
• Canada
23 Feb 07
Just so we get this straight I am not making this comment to slam any specific gender or ruffle any feathers. But yes it does tend to me a guy thing in my opinion, but we the other halves in the relationship have to also take ownership for this. We tend to assume we do not do the same things or similar. The first step to fixing this issue is to communicate, let him know what you are expecting from him and that it is not okay to make you worry and think that he could be cheating on you. He is not a mind reader he is just a guy that does'nt neccessarily see the same importance in things that you might. Talk to him but be sure not to accuse him. About that cheating thing all I have to say is go with your gut feeling. Be sure though to prepare yourself though because you may very well be right, but just not ready to really know the truth. As for the brothers and father, they can very easily be lying to you because they just dont know the truth or feel it is his responsability to come clean. They just might not want to "out" him. Sorry
@FrancyDafne (2048)
• Italy
23 Feb 07
Your boyfriend is 28.... he is already a man, but many boys who are 28 are still spoiled and immature. You should speak more with him and make him understand that his behaviour is annoying and that he is living a relation with you now, and so he has to pay attention to your feelings and needs, because he isn't alone anymore. I can understand that his relatives lie to save him, unfortunately our parents tend to justify us even if we are wrong. The problem of money, instead, is a common problem for both genders: men and women, unfortunately we live in an hedonistic society, and so everybody wants to enjoy and to spend a lot of money. This is really a great problem, me too I have this problem, he must understand that money are important, he must grow up, he is an adult, he isn't a child anymore.
@Iccara (131)
• Australia
23 Feb 07
my "male" used to be really good but had his occasional minutes where he was inconsiderate. When we were engage he callled me saying he was broken dowwn at uni. I said I would go meet him and keep him company but he said he was ok and RAC would be there before i could get there (we lived half hour away). I ended up getting worried when I hadnt heard form him and drove to the uni and around it twice with no sign of him so I drove to his house and he wasnt there either. I went in to find a few things gone (like his good shoes) and thought "that prik has gone out and lied to me" i kept looking and called the RAC and they told me where his car was broken down. They said at the beach at 8pm he had his car jump started. it was now midnight. I was so annoyed and at 130 am he answered the home phone. I asked where he was and he kept saying broken down at uni and i said i knew he wasnt but he wouldnt believe me. I drove to his house at 2am and asked where he was... He kept telling me the uni and finally admitted he was at the beach with his friend but didnt want to upset me. That was only after I told him all details RAC gave me. Since then as far as I know he had never lied to me again. That was a first and last time ever. i hope everthing works out for you
• United States
23 Feb 07
Sounds like my ex; yeah, EX. I stuck with it for 20 years and 7 kids, and finally realized that his selfishness wasn't a once-in-while thing, but a constant pattern, and he had absolutely no intention of considering changing. And that's the key. Everyone is dumb occasionally, but what's the overall pattern of your lives? You CAN make it on your own, and think about what your kids are learning by being constanly exposed to a jerk. I realized after I was out of the relationship, that he was not only selfish and abusive, but also probably clinically narsissistic - self absorbed to the point that he couldn't change. Think about what you really want to deal with for the rest of your life!!
@freak369 (5019)
• United States
23 Feb 07
If this is how you feel now, do you think this is going to change when you get married? Probably not. If it bothers you so much and you have told him about it and things haven't changed then you might want to think twice about getting married in the first place. It still amazes me that people know there is a problem in a relationship but they think marriage is going to change or fix things. If you don't have a solid base to build on then there will be problems once you do get married. If he doesn't reat you the way you want to be treated, consider finding a man that WILL treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
• United States
23 Feb 07
I'm alone, now, a little older, and I like it just fine. I do think that most men are totally caught up with what they feel and want for the most part, and they don't seem to get any less like that when they get older. I shouldn't think that all men are like that, but I'm almost 60, and I've known alot of men, and most of them are like that. There were some that weren't, I've been with both kinds. I suppose there are women like that, too, but from my own experience, the men I've known were pretty well into their own desires and needs and wants, and thinking that this was all very important, more important than anything else. Like I said, tho, not all guys are like that.
@onesiobhan (1330)
• Canada
23 Feb 07
Not all men are like this. Some women are like this too. Every human has flaws. If his self-centredness is a flaw you can't live with, he's not going to change.
• United States
22 Feb 07
Oh yeah, I go through it too. I read a really great article in Cosmo about this actually. What Cosmo basically said was that men dont think the way we do (of course!!) and that basically you have to tell them how you feel. I have to tell mine all the time that I'm not mad, but I have to get something off my chest, something I'm not okay with that he's doing and why. It takes ALOT, believe me. And I know exactly what you feel about him losing track of time. I think it is a comfort thing, they know you're there and that you're not going anywhere.
@rainsong7 (124)
• Canada
22 Feb 07
...first of all i don't think these issues are gender related...evertyone has the ability to be inconsiderate,thoughtless,selfish...and dishonest... ...this is more about your expectations/needs and boundries...what are you willing to tolerate??...what exactly is it you need from him...why??...it's clear by your discussion that you do not trust him...if that is the case...what is it in yourself that you would continue to be in a long distance relationship without trust??.... ...i have always found that the things i have difficulty within relationships are usually more tied to my own feelings of doubt/inadequecy/fears etc...if we view a relationship from the perspective of.."what am i to learn from this??"...rather than..."how can i change this person to make me happy and more secure??"....the difference is lifechanging...... ..sometimes we outgrow relationships and our needs are no longer being served...then it is up to us to love ourselves enough to let go...love is not something that you can "force" from someone...this only pushes them away...and makes them feel very "unloved".... even if that is not our intention...the message is..i love you "BUT".... ....love yourself first...and the kind of love you are looking for will come to you...
• United States
22 Feb 07
It is NOT that he is a stupid butt it is that men in general do not understand what women need and want in their life and it takes a special woman with patience and the knowledge to teach the man what she likes, when she likes and how she likes it, try it out, you will see that I am correct, and yes, I am a woman, I just know most men. Take care