Irresponsibility
By webeishere
@webeishere (36313)
United States
March 15, 2007 1:07am CST
Okay I very seldom start a serious discussion. But tonight I had a situation with my 27 year old son that’s eating at my mind. A little history first. He moved out less than a year ago. He left owing me $375 past rent. That’s shoved under the rug and no problem now. He isn’t very responsible as an adult either. Has problems with handling money. He likes his “smoke” & booze to the point that comes before food at times. He bought a car a few months ago. It’s been broke down sitting for a few weeks. He needs a ride to work. I’ve done this a few times including picking him up after. Tonight he called asking me for ANOTHER ride. I’ve picked up quite a few times so far. He whined about losing his job etc. I said I didn’t feel like it again. Then he offered gas money. The first time he did this. I still said no. My feeling is it’s his responsibility to get to work not mine. He loses the job oh well I said to myself, not my problem. So now I feel guilty about the whole thing. He lives 10 miles away and the whole trip is about 25 miles for me. No biggie but the responsibility issue is. Any comments/ideas? I am planning on seeing if he wants to move home again as then it’s just 3 or 4 miles round trip for me to drive him from here. But then again…. Thanks in advance and also for letting me ramble on. I don't think he'll lose the job & I also feel he WILL find a ride. Heck the city bus line is 2 blocks from his house & it would take him maybe 1 mile from work. Not a long walk. Anyhow now I'm done blabbing. LOL!
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!
13 people like this
22 responses
@theproperator (2429)
• United States
15 Mar 07
It sounds like your son won't stand on his own two feet until he is forced to. Don't let him move back in with you just so you can give him a ride to work, it will only extend his problem (and yours) for another few years. Your son should take the bus or ride with his co-workers, and pay them gas money. He already shorted you rent money the last time and got away with it, so he will probably take advantage again if you let him. Not that your son is schemeing to take advantage of you, it probably just the pattern you two have fallen into. So long as you provide him with an easy way out, he is going to take it. You can't change your son's personality, but you can change your own responses to it in a way that will encourage him to try harder to cope on his own.
Good Luck.
4 people like this
@rainbow (6761)
•
15 Mar 07
oh Grandpa Bob, I'm sorry you are being treated like this!
Maybe it is time to let him grow up and take responsibility for himself a bit more. Are you always going to pick up the pieces for him? Have you not got enough to do being a full time carer and husband nad grandad?
I know it's hard as you look back and think well I did not get any help but he is getting your help and it's still not enough, maybe you need to just let him get on with it short of emergencies and getting to work or moving nearer to work isn't an emergency.
I'm not telling you off it's wonderful that you care so muchfor him but he needs to be responsible for himself, his family will thank-you for it later on as he takes control off his life!
2 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
(he loosens his apron string) Hee hee hee.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!
1 person likes this
@beaniefanatic13 (5076)
• Grand Junction, Colorado
15 Mar 07
I think that as parents it's always hard to determine when we are helping and when we are enabling our children. The fact that you have helped your son in the past is perhaps why he always falls back to "dad" for help again. While I won't say that we shouldn't help our children I think that it's important to know when we are helping and when we are hindering them. I think that you took a very important step tonight in not hindering your son. He is a grown adult and as you said their is public transportation close by.
Children and even our grown children when told we won't do something for them, if they want something bad enough will generally find away to get it, or fix it, or make it work on their own. Stand by your decision and know that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
As always this is just my 2 cents worth! :)
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
15 Mar 07
Hrmm ... honestly, it sounds like your son is just taking you for granted.
It seems like he's not going to stand on his own two feet unless he's forced to. I personally would refuse to have him move back in with me. H
e's 27 years old and he needs to get his priorities sorted. Thats not going to happen if you have him move back in with you and you give him a ride to work and back.
2 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Well let's see............. LOL! Some times it does seem he is taking me for granted. Then other times it's sincere. But that's where the problem occurs. Is it sincere, am I enabling him etc etc etc. Thanks for the response. It's hard to let go like someone here said earlier about the mother bird etc.
2 people like this
@mummyofthree (2715)
•
15 Mar 07
I agree with you. At some point you need to draw a line; stop bailing him out. It teaches him nothing about responsibility except that Dad will bail me out!
He needs to learn to do things by himself... how does he think other people manage to cope?
As for his drinking I think that is a totally seperate issue. If it is possible that he is bordering on having a problem you need to discuss this with him. I really don't have the expertise to advise on that issue but I do know that if you give evertime he asks you really are not helping anyone in the long run.
2 people like this
@kallisboni (2)
• India
15 Mar 07
sir its understood from the situation that either your son is fallen in a badcompany or there is a misunderstanding between you.first enquire about his company.if its not the case then there is no need of worrying,take him to you and make him know his responsibilities in a gentle manner.sir he is your son dont make him go away and face troubles.its is you sons childish mentality,nothing wrong make him know everything.sir "money is not forever" you know this.
2 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Thank you very much for your response. It's greatly appreciated & I'll take this into advisement also.
2 people like this
@egay679 (152)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
try to be really firm on your decision of not helping your son of his responsibilities. even if he bugs you often, if you really say no, then he can't do anything about that. it's just a matter of determination because if you would still help and help him, he will never be able to stand on his own feet because he might think that you are always there for him so it is okay if he will just sit around and not do anything because you are doing it for him. convince yourself and try to control yourself from helping him.
1 person likes this
@missybal (4490)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Sorry but he is old enough to start taking care of himself. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. He needs to get his act together. He should find a job that is on the bus route if need be if he can't get his car fixed. He needs to start doing things on his own. I was when I was just out of high school. Yes every once in a while I had to have help here and there from my parents but not to any huge extent and I always paid my debt. Let him figure it out on his own even if he must hit rock bottom.
1 person likes this
@mfpsassy (2827)
• United States
16 Mar 07
From my experience with my parent and my brothers STAND YOUR GROUND. He is not going to learn anything if you don't. My parents keep letting my brothers move back in and it is always the same. They lost their job, they disappeared, ect. It's time to grow up. The lesson our kids need to learn is we won't always be there to help them. They have got to figure it out on their own. If he is 27 it's time to learn the facts of life
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Thank you also for your support and advice. Taking it all in. My brains about to explode tonight. Uggg
1 person likes this
@brandi_girl_16 (624)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Your son is almost 30 years old! He's a grown man but chooses to act like an irresponsible teenager! I don't think you should feel bad at all for not wanting to take him to work and back home again everyday! He's a grown man and will figure out a way to get to work on his own without having to bother you if he really wants to! I know he's your son and you love him and would do anything to help him out but the best thing you could possibly do for a person like him (severly irresponsible) is to just let him work things out on his own and then he'll HAVE to grow up and take responsibility for himself!! Tough love works!
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Well thank you very much for the response. What you've said is all true and will be thought out a lot. Thanks again. Greatly appreciate you dropping in to my discussion.
1 person likes this
@catcai (1056)
• Philippines
15 Mar 07
Hi grandpa, i think that you should just let your son figure things out for himself. He's old enough and i know he can manage- if he keeps on complaining that he keeps on losing his job, then maybe its because he's not really doing his job well, i dont think it should be your fault in anyway- If anything, he should be very thankful since you're still there for him no matter what and that you've helped him a lot of times already. Maybe it's his turn now to do something for himself. Besides, you can get tired too- if its ok for you to continue doing it for your son, then its ok- but when is he gonna learn to work on his own? sad fact is you won't be around forever to drive and pick him up to work...
I don't know... but i don'think you should be guilty of not having to do the things that you used to do for him, unless he's handicapped or something which i think he's not... You did your part well, so don't feel bad about it...
2 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
I thank you very much for your resposne and caring for me as well as my son. I'm taking into consideration all aspects of him, me, my wife, etc etc. LOL. Thanks once again.
2 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Please just go away with these type of responses. It's a waste of your time, my time, and others time that would like to read some coomon sense things. Thank you very much.
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Just go away with these kind of comments. It's a waste of everyones time that comes here to read. Thank you very much.
1 person likes this
@winx_bloom (5)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
hey gandpa, all i could say is: let your son to live on his on he was too old enough for you to take caring off.. wel, me im onli 23 but i live as an independent since i turned 18.....my parents was very supportive in every action i made and they trust me alot....maybe you should do this also to your son.....you must trust him......ok
@jennybianca (12912)
• Australia
16 Mar 07
In view of the fact that the city bus line is 2 blocks from his house (not sure how big a block is), then I think it is reasonable that you not drive your son to work.
The bus will be much cheaper, than paying your gas money, & he will get exercise walking the 2 blocks.
More importantly, he will learn some time management (the bus time table).
This issue of irresponsible teenagers & those in their twenties is very common. I'm am afraid my step step son will turn out the same, & I have already told my husband that I will not have him bludge of us when he is older.
Sometimes it needs explaining that everyone makes choices... thare are consequences to every choice we make...
Your son will have to reap the consequences. You have done all you can, & now need to let him learn responsibility from his own actions.
Hope I am not moralising to you!
1 person likes this
@cdparazo (5765)
• Philippines
15 Mar 07
As parents we would always love our children no matter what and we will always be there in case of DIRE NEED. Your story reminds me of a topic from Iyanla Vanzant's book about 'Honoring Others by Setting Bounderies' because in the long run we are not actually helping them at all by always doing things for them or helping them out. As she said those are basic things that a person blessed by God with complete senses ought to do for himself. Letting you travel that long is for me too much already. He could always take a bus and you are right that it is a responsibility issue... A BIG one if I might add. It is his responsibility to get to work on time and if can't pass the buck or blame to you just because you won't drive him. That's pure nonsense. You can't act as his schoolbus forever. You have been past that. He is already in the right age to take care of himself. You are actually doing him a favor in the long run by not driving him around.
1 person likes this
@blackbriar (9076)
• United States
16 Mar 07
Hi Grandpa Bob..
I know exactly the position you are in cause my mom was in the same with me and my brother. My mom was always helping us out with either food, money, gas, whatever. She put a stop to it with me when my hubby left me last July. She told me flat out then not to ask her for any more help. It was hard but I'm finally standing on my own 2 feet and I thank her for that alot. My hubby and I are now in marriage counsoling, trying to work things out. So far it's doing us both good. We need help finacially but are learning to get by without extras. She will still help with food but no money which is fine with me. I don't ask her for help anymore but will take it if she offers.
Your son just needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet and never will until you put a stop to it. It's fine to help out sometimes but not always, Grandpa Bob. Don't feel bad about telling him no to something. It's called tough love and I'm prove that it works...take care :-)
1 person likes this
@omer_ahmed_tabarik (1057)
• Pakistan
15 Mar 07
I just wanted to say you being elder in age have the right to tell him what's right or wrong. So, I hope whatever you think of him is best for him.
1 person likes this
@RachelleDD (823)
• Canada
16 Mar 07
Looks like you have a ton of advice on this one already Bob, I have all that stuff to look forward to as my kids are still only 16 and 13, ya probably felt guilty because as parents we always want to do whats best for our children no matter what the age.
It seems sometimes to me even with my kids are this age that you are screwed if ya do and screwed if you don't situation. If you DON'T help him out he is mad at you, and if you DO help him out you are mad at yourself because there are valuable lessons here to be learned that you know as his dad you should teach him...its so hard being a parent today...its hard to decide what it is and what its not to do...and we need to do it at the right and proper times to...sigh...don't know what to tell you Bob, I know that I am a marshmallow mudder at heart, and I am scared that I haven't been as strict on my kids as I know I need to be...good luck...
1 person likes this
@kaiyascloset (372)
• United States
15 Mar 07
Your son is old enough to find his own ride to work. He will continue to be irresponsible until he has to do things for himself. At his age he should be able to work, get himself to work and have his own place to live.
1 person likes this
