So my hubby steps in...

@soccermom (3200)
United States
March 17, 2007 2:04pm CST
I posted a discussion last night about some things my daughter pulled with another girl last night. I was very upset at my daughter and her friend but I handled it. I love my daughters friend like she is my own, she has a very unstable home life and loves to be here with my family. My hubby has exchanged words with this other girls mom before about how her priority is obviously not her kid and she is a shame of a parent. Well, I dealt with the situation with the girls last night and was getting ready to take my daughters friend home, I told her to call first, she did and hung up crying. I asked what was wrong and her mom is a messed up from partying the night before and told her daughter she needed to find someplace to stay for the rest of the weekend because she didn't want her home. I told my hubby and he said she can stay here, but that means I have to take her to my sisters birthday party tonite. I called my mom to make sure it was okay if I bring another mouth to feed and she said okay, she knows this girls situation. SO my hubby calls this girls mom and tells her her child is staying with us the rest of the weekend and we'll make sure she gets to school Monday. Her mom didn't care, and the next thing I know he's telling her that her daughter can start coming home with ours Friday and we'll just keep her every weekend! I don't mind because the girl needs some stability. But I'm wondering if I should report her mom. She gets physically abused on occassion and it's obvious the girls mom doesn't care about her. She could live with us as far as I'm concerned but I'm afraid if I report her mom and it is followed through on she'll end up in some strange foster home. What do we do?!
8 people like this
25 responses
• United States
17 Mar 07
I am glad you are being so kind to the girl but her mother needs to be reported to the authorities. You must have seen in the media what terrible things have happened to children who live with an abusive parent and it could have been prevented if someone has spoken up.
2 people like this
• United States
18 Mar 07
Yes, I agree....she needs to be reported. It's the only responsible thing to do. If she were 16 or so it might be different, but 11 years old? It shouldn't have to be your responsibility. And what would happen if she went back home to a dangerous situation? It is sweet of you to help her, but really helping her would be to report the situation and let Child Protective Services take care of it.
@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
17 Mar 07
I can truly understand where you are coming from. that poor girl needs a loving family and a home but sometimes by taking in children who have been mistreated or abused isn't the answer for you or the child either. That is a huge responsibility for you. I know that you do mean well and you sound like you have a very kind heart. I respect that you want to take care of that girl too though. I definitely would do something about the child being abused and uncared for. I would just talk it over with your husband and see what he thinks is best to do also. You can give it a try and see if you can get custody of her and see how it goes. If it doesn't work out, she may have to be moved on to a foster home. All we can do is try and hope for the best for that girl. Good luck and there needs to be more people like you out there who will unselfishly go out of their way to help others.
2 people like this
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
18 Mar 07
This situation has gotten so complicated. We took her to my parents for my sisters birthday and the kid can just be so well mannered. She introduced hersalf and shook hands, and hugged everyone good bye when we left. To hug total strangers good bye at age 11 to me just seems to be a bigger cry for help. This girl craves a stable environment, and we can provide one, I just don't know how without all hell breaking loose!
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
18 Mar 07
Well her Mum does need reporting but I also understand what you are saying. Why not try first the Idea that your Husband had and keep her with you at Weekends and see if that will stop the Physical Abuse. I do believe that she needs to be reported. The other thing I can suggest is that you find out if you can foster her This is a hard Situation I have to agree with you there.
2 people like this
• United States
17 Mar 07
I think that reporting her would be the best thing to do, maybe she could stay with you guys, it shows that you care and thats great. I can tell from this discussion alone how much it hurts this girl. Wow. I thank God for good parents.
2 people like this
@c2adams2 (351)
• United States
17 Mar 07
Well...the place you live depends upon the state laws but.....YES!!!!! Report her, please!!!! This girl is obviously in a situation where, even with the difficulties of foster care, she would be better off. I would suggest calling Child Protective Services and asking about how one gains custody of a child not related to them, when the child is old enough to make their own decisions and obviously living in a situation of abuse. I have to warn you that they will inspect your home, (for cleanlyness, safety, etc.) look into your job and your criminal record. It is a hassle, and a hard thing to do, but, to quote my favorite inspirational poster.... "A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I live in, or the kind of car I drove; however, the world will be different because I was important in the life of a child."
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
18 Mar 07
I have a picture framewith that quote on it and a pic of my kids. This girl asks me all the time if she can live with us, but I wonder what would happen if it came down to it and she could.
1 person likes this
@c2adams2 (351)
• United States
18 Mar 07
In high school I had this friend, and I wanted to stay at her house all the time. Her parents never really paid attention to us and allowed us to smoke ciggarettes and take off with boys (at 12). One day I was complaining about my mother because she had ruined my fun by introducing an element of safety. I remember my friend saying that I should feel lucky. She would give anything to have people love her. I believe that kids really do crave stability, and it would be difficult, but in the end she would love you as much as your own children and probably continue to come to your house for the holidays with her own children.
1 person likes this
@c2adams2 (351)
• United States
18 Mar 07
Ohh....I forgot, I don't envy you this decision. Good luck, and no matter what you decide, you guys are great people.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Mar 07
OK! here is my take. (if you want it) That girl is her mom's responabilty. If her mom doesn't want to give her love and a home. That is awful. It is wondeful that you are willing to "help" out. But she needs to be with family. Yes you should tell her mom if she will not step up and be a proper mom, you will report her. Unless you are willing to be a foster mom, get this girl help. You will be a strong role model for your own daughter.
1 person likes this
• Australia
18 Mar 07
i have to agree with this comment. the mum needs to be put in her place so the daughter can have a real mum. and sounds like if it doesnt happen this girl will be affected for rest of her life by this.
1 person likes this
@not4me (1713)
• United States
18 Mar 07
You know what, I was in the same situation as that girl when I was young. My mom was extremely abusive physically, emotionally and even sexually a couple times. My best friend's house was my safe haven. My mom didn't care if I stayed over there for a week at a time and we all knew (we being me and my friend) that it would keep me out of a foster home and I wouldn't have to switch schools or anything. Her family was and I will always be more than thankful for what they did to protect me.
1 person likes this
@not4me (1713)
• United States
18 Mar 07
Oops I mean her family was awesome. :D
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
18 Mar 07
Thanks for your response, it's nice to hear from somebody who's been there. I guess so far it's been an unspoken thing between her mother and us, she knows how we feel, but it's getting to the point where I don't want to send her back there. She misses school for days on end because her mom won't send her, and even the girls' teacher has talked to me about her concern over hte situation. This is just getting crazy.
@4ftfingers (1314)
17 Mar 07
That's really sad to read about, i cant beleive people can have children and not give a damn about their feelings, this girl really needs something fast because feeling so unloved like that could cause problems for her for the rest of her life. Yeh, you're right to be agaisnt reporting her, you really don't want her taken away from her mum because then it will get all official and you can't be sure the girl will go somewhere where she can be loved properly, which is the main priority, that she has someone to turn to and hug and knows that these people want her and are there when she's in trouble. It's awesome of you and your husband to get involved, this girl is so lucky you are there for her! Is it at all possible to get hold of one of her mothers sisters or any relative? I might be wrong because I'm not really clued up on all this, but I have a feeling the authorities are more likely to grant custody of the child to a relative than anyone esle. And so if you could discuss it with a relative you might find that they are willing to take her in, which would be great for her if they care about her. Being relatives, they might be embarassed and give you some aggro for getting involved, but they must realise that you're not judging them and all that's important is the welfare of this child.
1 person likes this
@soccermom (3200)
• United States
18 Mar 07
I was wondering where you've been! ;) Her da could care less. When the mother took off over hte holiday I called him to let him know his kid was home alone and he didn't care. I mat the grandma once and to be honest the whole family comes across as whack. Not to get off track, but I need to lighten up a little. Our plan didn't work, everything I tagged didn't appear. I had some good ones too. :) Fluffernutter...LOL
18 Mar 07
ahahaha fluffernutter lol! that's soo good. i know it's annoying, we need to come up with something else haha... hmm... i will have a think. thank you for your messege! ;) i will reply back but i don't think my messeges have been getting to you :(, i'll write on here if i dnt hear from you. I can't beleive none of her family care, that's just too sad, stupid people should not be allowed to have kids. Is she an only child? What about her family on her dad's side, I spose they're not interested either hey?
1 person likes this
@KrisNY (7591)
• United States
25 Mar 07
Wow-- that was super nice of your husband... I guess I would do the same-- My only question is: What if your daughter and this girl have a falling out? Become not so close? Then where will the girl go? I think it is a hard decision to report the mom- Perhaps you can find the friends other family and voice your concerns? Maybe a grandparent? Tell them what you feel and that you will be reporting the girls mom if it doesn't stop. Its too bad that people who aren't responsible enough and don't have their priorities straight become parents! I say Kudos to you and your husband!
@spindrift (197)
18 Mar 07
I hope you decide how to handle this one. I think the woman should be reported . If the girl endsup needing cared for it would be nice for you to have her if it was ok with the rest of the family but if she has other family I expect they would be given her. In this case it is always going to be unfair on the girl may be you could sound her out about how she fells about her situation with her mum and what she would like it things happened.
1 person likes this
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
18 Mar 07
this just breaks my heart and I admire you alot for stepping in and trying to give this girl some kind of stability. It is just sad that all people can produce4 children and that some feel as if they can do whatever they want with them I really think that u should file a report and while doing so, also make sure that they know that u are willing to take her, and that she has been with you for a long time and feeels safe with you. Even if she would end up in a fosterhome - I am sure she would be more loved there than she is at home.. Once agai - be proud of yourself and your hubby for stepping in. i am sure the girl appreciate it as well!
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Mar 07
Wow- what a story. Here is what I would do. I would get some of this woman's family and friends together and do an intervention. I would tell the mom that you will take care of her daughter while she goes to rehab. If she refuses, then it's time to report her and get that child out of her care. This woman is going to die if no one steps in. She obviously needs help. Now if there is physical abuse going on, then I would not let the daughter go back there and I would absolutely report the mother. Perhaps you could talk to a counselor at the school to find out what the implications would be. I would think they could keep the child in your care instead of putting her in a foster home. Good luck-- you certainly have your hands full!.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Mar 07
The way i see it, that girl needs out of that home. Period. If you are willing to take her, i say you make the offer to her mother. This gilr needs some stability and someone to love her, not someone to throw her away so they can party.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
18 Mar 07
Hi again, soccermom. I think you should report it. I think they will be ok in foster home in terms of physical support like food,etc. But with regards to emotional stability, if the girls are confident to be with you and feel secure, you may have to talk it with her parents to make everything legal. If you are willing to take care of them in a span of time, why not? But its ok to report and just make sure you talk things over with the girls so that they would be prepared.
1 person likes this
• Canada
18 Mar 07
It's obvious that you made a 1st step of intervention regarding this girl(daughter's friend) life for her own good since her parent isn't doing her part. First thing is how old is the girl? If she's under adolescent period, the gov't will surely choose foster parents who passed screening requirements and the gov't deemed qualify to support the kids needs such as, food, board & education. No matter how sincere you are in adopting this kid if you won't pass the regulatory requirements you won't get a favorable decision. But it would be right for you to report her mother. That's the best thing to do & i give full respect for you & your husband for doing such actions.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
18 Mar 07
That there is a very hard call ! But I do think you need to turn in her mom I would talk to a lawyer about this maybe there would be away for the court to Grat her to stay with you
1 person likes this
@coolcatzz (1587)
• Canada
18 Mar 07
I'm in a very similar situation. I would report it if I were you. I would think that instead of putting her in a foster home they would let her live with someone who will love and care for her. My daughter is 10 and her friend is in a similar situation and we have her a lot of the time. It's a tough situation for everyone involved. Good luck.
1 person likes this
• Canada
18 Mar 07
I'm so sorry to hear of this girl's home life. I really feel for her. I think there are a couple of things to think about here. If you wouldn't mind having the girl live with you thats one thing. But as you say, if you report her mother, chances are she'll be taken away to live in a strange foster home. If you report her mother for abuse, you may be removing this girl from your lives entirely, because what happens if there are no foster homes in the immediate area? I personally would have the girl come live with me and my family, and just remove her from the home situation she's in. Her mother obviously doesn't care about her which is sad. At least with you she'll have a family life and she may start to heal from the damage her mother inflicted on her. Good Luck!
1 person likes this
@puffin (6)
• United States
18 Mar 07
I think you and your husband are awesome for taking her in. Most people would be like "it's not my problem" Why don't you approach the mother first. She seems not to care about her daughter, she might embrass the idea. As long as you get her to sign something in writing stating that she turns over guardianship to you and your husband I think she would totally go for it. I hope everything works out for you. God bless :}
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Mar 07
honestly i'm suprized your even asking!!! Physical abuse would have been the last straw.
1 person likes this