My Boyfriend

@kitkat1 (1227)
Canada
March 27, 2007 11:13am CST
I am only going to explain a little tidbit here to get some feedback ok cause i cant explain everything. Here is some stuff i go through with the boyfriend ok. He thinks i am having a thing with a friend of mine and it not but he thinks it. He will say things like i see he is home for the weekend did he email you have you talked to him or seen him. He talks about this guy at least 4 or five times a week i rarely talk about him. I left the yard yesterday in a hurry as usual to get to gym class and my wheels spun up a little mud in the driveway and he said who was here and tore up the driveway and i said no one it was me when i left and he said no way the rocks are spun the wrong way it had to be someone coming in. This is only a sample but one i am getting sick of. It really turns a person off. What is his problem?
11 people like this
45 responses
@SageMother (2277)
• United States
28 Mar 07
It sounds like your relationship isn't healthy. Your boyfriend is way too possessive and is keeping you on the defense. Many times, fellows who do this are abusive when they get married, if not before. They are setting things up so that you are always explaining your actions and then they don't believe the truth. This keeps you not feeling worthy and the longer it goes on, the harder it is for you to maintain a positive self image. It is very destructive. Once married, the situation can get worse because the husband uses your being untruthful as an excuse to beat you, in the worse case scenario. By the time that starts, he has you so convinced that you cannot trust your own reality that you are unable to leave the situation. It sounds like you need to be rid of this fellow. He has WAY too many of the characteristics that are usually found in abusive males. Run while you can do so easily.
2 people like this
@missybal (4492)
• United States
27 Mar 07
He easily gets jealous and is very insecure with your relationship and has a fear of losing you. I believe he loves you but wishes to know your every move and know that you are completely his. My husband is a bit of a worrier too, and I talk to guys over the phone for my business all the time and he tends to do the same thing. He gets jumpy when a man calls the house and asks for me and I have one customer who calls quite a bit, innocent, yet my husband gets very annoyed and whats to know what the guy called about every time. I know it's because he is scared of losing me even know there is no need for him to worry many guys have this same problem. I think he also has low esteem. He thinks I'm too good for him and that I deserve more but I'm very happy.
2 people like this
@jme9606 (38)
• United States
27 Mar 07
I'm going through the same thing. Not only does he question everytihing I do now, he questions things he heard even before we were together. I'm about to say goodbye to him. As far as my bf is concerned, he's crazy jealous. That may be the same for your bf. And there's not much you can do to change it.
@Marie2473 (8519)
• Sweden
27 Mar 07
My ex was the same - I repeat - my EX! this is a very jealous person and he doesnt trust you at all. the problem might lie in something you´ve done in the past or its his own insecurities speaking. I think that u have to sit him down and have a talk with him and explain how you feel. If he after that doesn´t change and u can not accept it then maybe it is time to think about moving seperate ways!
2 people like this
@Rexy_leigh (1189)
• Philippines
27 Mar 07
I'm sorry but I must say he's such a sick boyfriend. Why does he have to suspect every little thing you do? I mean, he can just ask you why it happened and after getting your answer then drop the issue..why does he have to make a big deal out of it? I can really relate to your situation now, kitkat. Seems like your boyfriend and my ex came from the same walks of life. My ex always finds anything suspicious in every little thing I do. and it rarely happened that we don't end up fighting after going out for a dinner, a movie, or even to church. There were times I was on the verge of breaking up with him, but there he was trying to win me again..so I eventually gave him another chance...a many second chances.. :P but he never changed and that brought us to calling our relationship quits. You would never enjoy being with somebody you love who can't trust you the least. Try to talk it out with your boyfriend and tell him to trust you... reassure him also that you love him and you'd never trade him for anyone else...and if he still keeps on bugging you with his nonsense suspicion, jealousy, and controlling thingie...find your way out! that relationship's not likely to work out. Godbless!
@Kaeli72 (1230)
• United States
27 Mar 07
This is how it was explained to me: You're not going to accuse someone or think someone is up to something unless you yourself are already doing it, thinking of doing it or thinking about it. How can you call someone a liar unless you are a liar yourself. I hope this makes sense.
2 people like this
@alirana (297)
• Malaysia
28 Mar 07
This seems the lack of security from your side.I hope it will vanish away with the passage of time. And you would have the love from him back. Actually it is some time natural from guys to be jealous from others.Especially from the spouse friends and if the friend is guy..T me you need to talk to him nicely and try to clear all ambiguous issues between both of you. As me and my spouse when we were on the start of our relationship we have discussed everything to each other.So now we are in piece of mind and we are planning to get married soon.We both have build a good triangle of trust on each other.
1 person likes this
@qouniq (1968)
• Malaysia
28 Mar 07
you are right app, that's why i love you.
1 person likes this
@youdontsay (3503)
• United States
27 Mar 07
Trust is a fragile thing. Once it is broken it takes a long time to repair. Either someone, maybe you, have betrayed him in the past and he is afraid to trust you. If it wasn't you, it will be really hard for you to get him to change. If it was you, acknowledge it, make amends, and remind him that the past is past and that you care too much about him to ever betray him again. Tell him that if you wanted to be with someone else, you'd leave your relationship with him before you'd cheat on him. [Assuming, of course, that that is the truth.] Try to get him to talk about his experience in other relationships. Maybe HE betrayed a girlfriend in the past and expects you to be like he was. I was in a relationship where I was the one being cheat with, rather than the one being cheated on. Even though eventually we became an exclusive couple, I kept waiting for them to cheat on me like they did on their former partner. But it never happend. So trust is really complex and not easy to build with people who have been hurt and betrayed in the past. You have to decide if the relationship is worth saving. But you don't want to continue to be nagged and accused falsely. It is unhealthy for the relationship. If he's not willing to work through the problem, you are probably better off without him.
@kitkat1 (1227)
• Canada
29 Mar 07
In response to your first paragraph i have been there and did that. And several times he has said he has gotten past it and as u can see nothing changed why is that?
• United States
27 Mar 07
It seems like there's a lack of trust.
• United States
27 Mar 07
I agree. This would drive me crazy because my husband has always been so willing to let me keep my independence. Not saying that it's not going to work for you. It may pass . . . just be careful. A good relationship should strengthen who you are, not tear you apart inside.
@bad1981 (799)
• United States
29 Mar 07
Your boyfriend obviously doesnt trust what you tell him or doesnt trust you period. This would get old very quickly as you say. Why does he question you and your friend so much. Usually when one is accussing someone of doing something it is because they are doing it themselves. So maybe you need to watch his actions and question him about stuff over and over again and see how he likes it. I can almost guarantee you that he wont like it one bit. Good luck and hope it gets better, but one person can only take so much of this stuff.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
29 Mar 07
i think u should talk to him n ask what is his problem.maybe he feel insecure cz last time my partner was like that.so u need to reassure him that u love him n give him sometime to learn to trust you.but if he is till like that then maybe u need to consider to break your relationship with him
1 person likes this
@wachit14 (3600)
• United States
29 Mar 07
Since you were unable to explain further, it's hard to determine why your boyfriend is so paranoid. I can understand you getting sick of him, but more importantly, his behavior should raise a red flag for you with regard to what would be in store for you in the future with this guy. It's possible he may become abusive since jealousy for no apparent reason is a symptom of this syndrome. At the very least, he has very little confidence in himself since he is imagining that you are having an affair with a male friend. If he had better self esteem, your relationship with a male friend would never be an issue. Also, why doesn't he trust you? These are issues that need to be addressed should you decide to remain in this relationship
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
28 Mar 07
Good morning Kitkat 1 From what you have said and what I can gather I would say he is very insecure and fearful, that he has a lot of trust issues with you. These are not good signs in any relationship because he is trying desperately to control you.If you want to resolve these issues I think it is going to take professional counseling. The insecurity is that obvious, and from your post again I can see that you are loosing any respect and feelings for this fellow. Isn't it odd that his greatest fears will come true, and will because of his own actions, and what is even odder He will never understand that fact. In my opinion I do not see this working, but you have the choice to get the professional help for both of you, or let him go. I guess it all comes down to how much you have invested in this relationship, and what you needs are.
@calderon (40)
• United States
28 Mar 07
I would say first attempt to talk to him like an adult. Let him know that his behavior is really pushing you away and if it doesn't change now, than you will have to call it quits. I know this from experience unfortunately. I didn't trust my boyfriend(believe me I had reasons not to though, after many 2nd chances). I realized that I couldn't live my life like this, and deep down I wasn't happy. What I'm saying...is in the long run you're not going to be happy with him or the relationship. So you two need to talk this out asap. Good luck!
@chm236 (34)
• China
28 Mar 07
he is a very controlling person you need to find a new boyfriend
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 07
I had this problem with my husband for the first 3 years of our relationship (we've been together for almost 11 years now). It wasn't anything I did that caused him to be that way it was because he was married once before, trusted the girl to the ends of the earth, and found out she had been cheating on him almost from the start. I knew this going into the relationship, don't get me wrong it didn't make it any easier to handle but I knew if I didn't give up on him and showed him that I was different he would quit being so suspect all the time. It worked and we are happy. Maybe you should just ask your boyfriend who hurt him so bad that he can't trust you to be a better person?
1 person likes this
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
28 Mar 07
He is in your term a 'boyfriend' but he is also controlling and manipulative. He is mentaly abusing you by the way he is treating you. This type of abuse could turn to physical if you continue with him so beware. You have been warned! If I were you, I would run not walk away from this relationship. I would not worry about his problem, but I would worry about yours - why are you putting up with this. He is being mean and nasty to you, and if this is just one example, you need to find out why your self-esteem is so low that you are willing to put up him. You deserve better then he can give you.
@Gemmygirl1 (2870)
• Australia
28 Mar 07
Someone here said something about him being controlling, i think it's the opposite, i think he is very insecure with what you have & is concerned about losing you. Perhaps you could introduce your boyfriend to your friend, have them get along so there's nothing to worry about. I dunno if the problem can be fixed though, if you cant work through his insecurities, unfortunately there's not a lot to look forward to - i'm sure you don't want your future with him to be like it currently is.
1 person likes this
@Cassie06 (17)
• United States
28 Mar 07
For a relationship to work you have to have trust. If he doesn't trust you maybe there's a reason. I had an ex that did that and I fcaught him cheating on me. Accusing me was a way of getting rid of his guilt. Talk to him and if he can't fix his trust issues then move on, you deserve to be treated better.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Mar 07
u need to tell him how you feel for this obsession with jealousy can be a precursor for more distrust issues and you dont need someone who accuses you of things all the time.
1 person likes this