What is wrong with these people?!?!?!
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
United States
March 30, 2007 7:31am CST
My fiance's family is so totally insane.
It all started when we first start seeing each other, three years ago. Robert(my fiance) was still living with his parents so that he could go to university. I was living with my mom, too becuase I was still in high school. I went over to their place once every few months. I would have gone over more often, but his parents always acted like I was annoying or in the way. They would ignore me whenever I tried to join in on a conversation or anything. Then I started spending more time over there when I got out of high school, but his parents were still always cold to me, so I tried my hardest to never bother them.
At the same time, Robert's younger brother also had a girlfriend. Robert's brother, Sean, is about 4 years younger than him, and the girlfriend is about a year younger than me. She spent way more time over there almost as soon as they started dating. And not only that, but she broke the house rules, talked back to his parents, complained to them about problems in her life, even when they were busy or working(they work from home), and even stole their food right out of the kitchen! So in hopes that they would like me better, I started to do the exact opposite of whatever the other girl did. If she broke a rule, I would make extra sure that I followed it, if she bothered them when they were working, I would make extra sure not to make a sound. But they never cared!
Then, last year, she got pregnant! And not only were his parents not upset about it, they were HAPPY about it! They started doting and fawning on her. Talking about how much they always wanted a grandchild and how they always loved her and how wonderful she is. She was 17 years old when she got pregnant, and Sean was only 16! And not only that, when they found out she was pregnant, they let her move in with them and told Robert that I wasn't allowed to come over anymore! They said that since they lived in a small apartment and there would be two more people living there, that they didn't need "unnecissary people crowding up the place'. I was so hurt! Robert and I couldn't understand why they would be so happy about two high school drop-outs having a baby. And his parents started yelling at Robert for not being as happy as they were. Then they told him if he wouldn't act happy, they would kick him out on the street. And guess what? They did it! They forced my mom to ake him in since he had no money, not job and no place to go. It was aweful!
And to top it all off, they deny ever doing ANY of this! They say they never did anything against us and we're just warped and stupid and that we just twist events in our own minds to make them look bad. I just don't know what to do about them. They won't stop and they won't treat us right. They never even cared that we got engaged. Everything is always about Sean and the baby. I just can't take it anymore!
Does anyone have any advice? I'm going crazy here.
4 people like this
9 responses
@stacyv81 (5903)
• United States
8 Jun 07
I would ignore it, sometimes it stems from jealousy, my guys mom is that way, but she acts like she likes me in front of other people, but his dad likes me a lot. I think that you guys should just do your thing. And let them deal with it on their own time. They are adults. They should be able to realize that their son is with who he wants to be with and they can either embrace it or fight it, but if they fight it it probably wont turn out to great for them Best of luck!
1 person likes this
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
9 Jun 07
Thanks so much for your support. Everyday, I'm believing more and more that they are just a lost cause and I think that's sad for him.
1 person likes this
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
10 Jun 07
Well, ideally, yes, but they simply see us as "evil" and the married children as "perfect". As it currently stands, I want nothing to do with the and have not seen them for almost a year. He, on the other hand, vists and talks to them quite frequently so I doubt they'll ever really appreciate the full gravity of their actions.
If there's one thing in the entire world that I absolutly cannot handle, it is not being able to understand the why of things and they are the most frustrating I have ever come across other than my own father(who is another ball of wax). Why they think what they do, why they refuse to listen, why they do what they do, any of it, I simply don't understand and it drives me crazy.
1 person likes this
@stacyv81 (5903)
• United States
10 Jun 07
yes, I feel bad for your boyfriend having to be in the situation, but you two cant control them, I hope that from you two detaching with love they will begin to see what they have with the two of you and things might start to work out better, at least that is what I hope for you.
@rojane (500)
• Philippines
17 May 07
don't mind them girl. don't let them get into your nerves. i know that it's easier said than done but getting back at them won't do you any good either. or don't even try to understand them coz it's really hard to understand why they did all those to you.
just hold on to your love for your fiance and to your love for each other. or maybe, after you get married, you could give them another grandson/daughter. who knows, maybe they'll begin to adore you like they do with Sean's wife. :)
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
18 May 07
Thank you for your responce.
I won't be having any children, though. And I think that may be part of the problem. Oh, well.
1 person likes this
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
18 May 07
I'm childfree by choice. I don't want children. I do have a disorder that may lead to infertility, though.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
4 Oct 07
OH my !!!! I can relate to that in a way.
IN our case it was my husband's sister that could do everything and her boyfriend was allowed there all the time , get drunk there etc. He was always "part" of the family and welcome. Me on the other hand.. it depended, if I was a "Yes" person and agreed with them in everything I was ok - not part of the family but ok. But if I didn't oh well Even after I married their sonI was never ok. NO matter what I did.
So my advice to you. DOn't try any harder. There is no point. Just ignore it and don't even feel hurt by it. There's not point.
Because of certain events in my past I tend to want everyone to like me, but I had to re-learn that you can't please everyone at the same time :)
For years I let my self confidence be depleted I felt frustrated because I couldn't understand and I am only now starting to learn not to care at all.
SO save yourself a few years of frustration and put downs and ignore it from the beginning.
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
6 Oct 07
Holy cr@p! I'm sorry that that happened to you, too, but it's nice to know I'm not alone in this irrasional BS. Yeah, I stopped trying for them a long time ago, but I'm the same that I just want people to like me and when I do nothing offensive, I don't understand why I get snubbed so rudely. But I'm done with them now, I want nothing to do with any of them. I told my fiance, they're his family, if he wants a relationship with them, then go right ahead, but don't include me at all, I'm done.
1 person likes this
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
8 Oct 07
Wow, you poor thing. My ils live across town, but they live near the school, so my fiance sees them. The only real major things are that we don't drive and our parents tend to give us rides(but I refuse to seethem anymore) and we don't have caller ID so I can't avoid answering their calls.
So yeah, lol
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
8 Oct 07
In my case it is a bit more complicated since we bought our house together with them - yeah I know, broke rule number 1 never live with in laws - . True, the house has two different apartments and I can avoid contact with them for the most part, but unfortunately not completely.
I wish I hadn't done that in the first place, but now it's done and we really can't do anything about it. Not for a while. Our finances are not at the best and although we can pay our part of our bills in this house, we couldn't afford to sell this and buy another just for us. The average price of a house in here would be way beyond what we would get from our part of the house.
Still for the last few years I was able to find a healthy balance. I don't socialize with them, there's no more dinners together or stopping to chat. We talk about things from the house, bills and other things that can't be avoided. I am civil and polite, but I don't socialize with them and I don't really worry about what they have to say about me, my kids or anything else.
@Norstar (694)
• India
16 May 07
I am sorry to hear about the state of affairs. I must say, you are a very understanding person. It is unfortunate that both of you are keeping bad health. Have you tried to do some job on the Internet and make some money? Since you have health problem, Internet is a good option for you. Since you are from US, there is possibility for you to be able to make fairly good money. You can try and join some programmes for earning online. If you would like to know more just PM me. It may be of some help to you.
@fawcey (926)
• Australia
31 May 07
I have to say that my Husband was probably in your position as it sound as though you could be talking about my family! They use to blantaly ignore him and if I said anything it was as though I was making it up and making something out of nothing. Once when we went there, I think it was Christmas but can't be sure, anyway they got everyone a drink, but totally ignored my hubby and didn't even ask if he wanted one. They would rave on about my brothers girlfriend and how great they were and shoot down any news we told them. I had sort of thought they were weird and twisted but after meeting my husbands parents I finally realised how much. His parents always made me feel so welcome and never put me down or made me feel bad. If they did nice things for me they didn't hold it over me and expect a pay back. They to seem to act like we made evrything up and twisted it, but once we had our son and they started treating him with the same disrespect, like calling him an idiot and stuff and then claim it was a joke and we should lighten up.
About 9months ago after another not so great experiance of being at there place, I got in the car and looked at my husband and said 'No thats it, I am ending now.' I rang them up when I got home and told them how I felt and what I didn't like about the way they were treating us, they of course didn't take it to nicley. To cut it short I haven't seen them since and my husband and I are happy and so is our son. It wasn't an easy choice but for the sake of our sainity we didn't really have any other.
I don't really know what advice to give, but to let you know NO you aren't going crazy, there are people out there that are totally just not nice people, and it is hard when they are suppose to be family. These type of people never seem to know that they are even doing anything wrong and actually believe that they aren't. They can not be told or listen to the truth and you can probably tell them till your blue in the face and they still wont get it. I just hope that you and Robert do what is best for you. I hope that you realize that you don't need their approval to be happy as you guys don't seem to have had it so far and are okay. Be happy together and I hope that things work out as best they can and the way that you guys want. You guys love each other, that is all that matters. All the best.
1 person likes this
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
31 May 07
Thank you so so much. I'm sorry your family is emotionally retarded as well. As least you eventually realized it and cut off from their toxicity. I hope my fiance does so soon as well.
2 people like this
@magicalmerlin (1623)
•
30 Mar 07
Well it may not be the best, Christian advice but I should ignore them, forget them and live happily ever after together without them. Don't live your life fretting about what they think if they are so biased. If you love Robert stick by him and pretend they don't exist - it will make life a lot simpler in the long run. They are the ones missing out.
1 person likes this
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
30 Mar 07
Thanks, I try really hard, but they just keep popping up and saying the most outrageous things. It's crazy.
1 person likes this
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
19 Jun 07
His family sounds a lot like mine. They have always favored my little sister. I finally just stopped caring. Your guy sounds like a nice fellow and he deserves better than what his family is giving him. He is very lucky that your mom was willing to take him in. Alot of people would just left him on his own. He is lucky to have you and your mom in his life. You two obviously love him more than his own family. He doesn't need those types of people in his life and neither do you. I would just drop all connections to them and live my life as best I could. I wish you and your fellow the best of luck.
Has he tried getting any type of help for his medications? Maybe a free clinic or that program that Montel Williams is always promoting to help people get their meds at a lower cost or free? Is it something that maybe is on the WalMart $4 prescription list?
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
21 Jun 07
It's pretty obscure, so I doubt it would be at Wal-Mart and I don't watch Montel Willaims, so I don't know aboiut that. He just started a new job about 6 weeks ago that offers all insurance plans so he's doing okay right now. The medication isn't the problem, it's getting it. It's one of those controled substance things and you HAVE to have a script each time you get it and he couldn't get to the doctor.
But yeah, I do agree that we need to just cut all contact. I hope he gets over their familial piety brainwashing sometime soon before I start killing them.
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
21 Jun 07
I don't know the specs on it, but there's a pharmecutical company that can mail you 3 month supplies of medications that you take daily. You have the doc write it to them or something and you mail in the script and get the meds. I think it costs less, too or something. I'd have to ask my mother about it, but I know they do do controled substances since my sister has ADHD and she gets her meds through them as well.
@vokey9472 (1486)
• United States
21 Jun 07
I hate it when you have to have a medication that requires a script each and every time. We got to where we just started harassing the doctor to call it into the pharmacy every month for my hubby's ADD meds. I would argue with her that she KNEW he needed the medicine every month, so why did we HAVE to spend the co-pay every month just to get her to write the script out? She would call the script in. After about 6 months of this, she switched his meds so he could have refills.
@nic24uk (571)
•
17 Jul 07
that would drive me insane. i dont know how you managed to keep your cool with them because i wouldnt have been able to. they could at least own up and admit they were in the wrong and apologize to you both but they havnt even got the decency to do that. if i were you id cut them off completely you dont need people like that.
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
17 Jul 07
Yeah, I don't speak to them at all. His brother and "sister-in-law" are not invited to our wedding and his parents don't care enough to come either. But, he still talks to them, he still cares about them for some reason.
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
17 Dec 07
WOW! That was all I could think of to say at first. I can't believe parents would be so immature. That is most certainly odd when a teenage pregnancy is supported. Ok, so maybe it wouldn't be as bad if Robert's brother and girlfriend were at least legal adults when the pregnancy happened, but geez! Talk about bad timing. Robert's parents' support of the whole thing blows it out of proportion in my opinion.
How can his parents tell Robert and you your relationship isn't anything to be proud of when they support something so wholeheartedly like that? I mean, you and Robert are so totally and completely without a doubt doing things the right way, or what people would think nowadays is the respectful way of having a relationship. His parents didn't even see you all that much to have a chance to get to know you.
My question is, have his parents ever liked you? I mean, did they even act like the liked you in the beginning when they first met you? Have you done anything to make them unhappy with you? Maybe you're just too "good" for Robert. If they didn't like you from the beginning, then they haven't given you a far chance. That's all there is to it. Them not being happy about the two of you getting engaged totally ruins the whole idea. They're more excited about a minor pregnancy than a completely beautiful and proper relationship along with engagement.
The only thing I can think of is that perhaps Robert's parents didn't start off too well in their marriage. They would be supportive of something like a teenage pregnancy but so irrate about you and Robert's engagement. That tells me that maybe his parents had an affair or maybe they did something else along those lines that they're trying to hide. What do you think? I'm not trying to accuse your in-laws, but that would completely make sense. Maybe there are "skeletons" in their closet! You should check with Robert and see if that could be the case.
Other than what I've already said, if Robert's parents don't want to be a part of you and Robert's marriage, so be it! They don't have to be! No one said they would have to be supportive of you guys being together, but it does make things so much more difficult! Your mom seems like she's on the right track. The fact that she would now be supportive and take Robert in like that is just wonderful. Don't worry about Robert's parents because they've obviously contorted things to their own thinking. You are doing the right thing. Enjoy your relationship and your marriage because you and Robert deserve it!
@GloomCookieLex (6073)
• United States
17 Dec 07
Thanks so much ^_^
Yeah, I haven't spoken to them in over a year now and I'd like to keep it that way. He still drops by when he goes to school, though, but I've already told him that that's his business not mine.
As for them ever liking me, I honestly don't know. I had thought I was making progress before things started getting worse with the "kids". But, looking back, I think what I percieved as "nice" was really just them humouring me. I don't think they ever respected me. I mean, they used to call me jailbait(not to my face, but to Robert) when we first met because he's two and half years older than me and we met a few months before I turned 17 and he was 19. I even tried to get closer to them by offering to help his mother with Thangsgiving dinner the second year we were together. I spent an hour peeling her potatos and almost 4 making my special family recipe for stuffed mushrooms and I barely got an acknowledgment. That little idiot makes them Hamburger Helper the week after she tells them she's pregnant and his mother gushes over "the wonderful meal our daughter made for us".
As far as them hiding something, I'm not sure what you mean?
