Abusive realtionships...Have you ever been in one? Did you stay or leave? What

United States
April 5, 2007 11:08pm CST
finally caused you to go? With my ex-huband...it was a very abusive realtionship both verbally and physically. I stayed thinking that he would change, or I could change him...or that if I worked harder at our marriage things would get better..they did not! When he began the verbal abuse on my daughter, I left! I have seen many women get hurt or even killed in these types of relationships. I look back now and wonder what took me so long to leave...easy...he preyed upon my desire to make it work and used it against me.. the harder I tried to make things better the easier it was for him to say that I just did not care or did not want him to be happy...what a crock!! Have you ever been here??? Did you leave? Did you stay? What was the final straw?
3 people like this
7 responses
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
1 May 07
Oh my! Please forgive me. My apologies for starting a discussion much like yours. I used the search, but nothing came up. I too was in an abusive relationship. I left when he threatened to kill me. I know if I did not leave that night he would have.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 May 07
Swtrose, Thank you for acknowledging my discussion; it is very appreciated; I know that when you have lived through this type of relationship, it makes a good discussion topic....I see that you have already gotten many responses. There are "no hard feelings" on my part, whatsoever!!!! Have a blessed day! Tina
1 person likes this
@Swtrose (3399)
• Canada
1 May 07
Thank you ever so much. I try so hard not to start the same discussion as someone else. Thank you for the friend request too. :)
@wolfie34 (26881)
• United Kingdom
30 Apr 07
Yes, sadly I was in an abusive relationship for five years, looking back I wish it had of been physical but it wasn't, the abuse was mental which is harder and more difficult to come to terms with and live with. I was used, abused, manipulated and controlled. I had a mental breakdown at work and was diagnosed with depression. It has put me off relationships for life, especially as I jumped from one bad relationship to get away from the abuse straight into another one! Frying pan into the fire scenario. 9 years of my life I have wasted. Is it any wonder I want to be single for the rest of my natural?
• United States
30 Apr 07
Wolfie, I must admit that this abusive relationship was defastating to my self-esteem for a long time....and my present husband, spent three years trying to get me to go out with him....evenutally I learned that he was trustworthy...it was difficult to relearn trust after being hurt so badly....we have been married almost 20 years; he has never even raised his voice to me....I am so glad that my heart was able to open up to this wonderful loving man that I share my life with now. I appreciate your response, my friend and am sorry to hear that you were hurt so badly as to desire to never be in another relstionship again...trust me, I have been there! Warmest wishes, Tina
@aprilsong (1886)
• China
6 Apr 07
I think you should leave him as early as possible.I have read a book in which it is said;men can not be changed.It is true,like someone who is indulged in gambling.And i have heard many news about women who is abused ,beaten by their husband. I just don't know why they keep on live with this kind of person. I do think women should know how to emancipate themselves. I support you,you should leave this kind of man.
• United States
6 Apr 07
It really is a vicious cycle with abuse---they make you feel bad about yourself and your value as a person, then they abuse you, then they apologize and beg forgiveness with "oh, I love you and it will never happen again".......then it starts over...alot of the times, he also controls all of the finances and there are children involved so it can really be difficult to get out safely. Thank you for your response and I am glad that you have never had to live through this type of relationship as so many of us have!
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
6 Apr 07
I have been there and done that, It was not a physical , but mental and verbal, And I stuck it out for about 18 years, Every day I would hope , wish, and pray that he would change, as like you I believed if I worked harder he would see that this was good, but no it was just more knowledge to keep me under his thumb. How did I get out, He didn't believe in working himself, so I had to support the family, and he found me a job 300 miles away, I worked and sent all but 180 a month home. I slipped and fell and broke my wrist and had to return home, But the worm had turned I had found out that I wasn't stupid , Lazy, useless, a lousy wife, mother person. And that is when I started to make plans, It didn't happen over night, but the day came when he asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I said a divorce, he thought I was joking, when I said no I am very serious, He got even worse , I would never last a month on my own, I would be on welfare in 6 weeks etc. I moved out and found my own little place, but believe it or not I supported him until the kids were out on their own, He still can not believe that I would do that to him as I never had a reason. He is living off some other poor lady now, but will not marry her because I might come to my senses, I left him in 1980. Now there is some on who is not living in a reality.
• United States
6 Apr 07
How sad for you....but he is pathetic with the unrealistic dreams of you "returning to your senses". I am so glad that he made the poor choice to send you so far away....but for you it was a wonderful opportunity to see how strong you are and regaining your life back. Us surviviors must stick together. Thanks for your response.
• Canada
6 Apr 07
The final straw after 5 years in an abusive relationship was losing my son to a child protection agency due to the fact that his father was a child molestor. He was quite abusive towards me but kept saying that I couldn't survive without him. For 5 years I believed that. Then I wised up and moved on. The guy still finds ways to try to put me down, 4 years after I got rid of him.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Apr 07
I am sorry..did you get your son back? Please tell me that he did not get custody? I am glad that you got rid of him..do not allow him to make you feel badly about yourself. I am sure it is because now, he realizes what a foolish thing hedid in loosing you. Stay strong and good luck.
@Bizziebod (3526)
2 May 07
Hi, I've been through two abusive relationships, the first I stayed because I had no-one to help me get out. I was 200 miles away from my friends and family and just couldn't get rid of him. The final straw was when my then 7 year old daughter said to me 'get the police mommy' when he had hurt me quite badly, then I realised what the effect was on her and managed with the help of some guys to get rid of him out of my house and life. The second time was a little different and a long story but suffice to say it didn't last long once he raised his fists.
@foxyfire33 (10017)
• United States
1 May 07
I'm not sure how I missed this one when you first posted it so sorry for the late response! My ex-husband was also abusive at times. It was such a hard situation because on one hand he was my childhood/high school sweetheart but on the other hand he had turned into an uncontrollable monster that would lash out for what seemed like no reason. It started 2 months after our son was born and at first I went through that phase of "if he does it again, I'll leave" but of course he did it again and I realized that I was 19 years old with 2 little ones and no money...how could I leave? So it continued off and on until I got pregnant with our daughter. Thankfully he was smart enough to be good to me while I was pregnant but started up again just 2 weeks after she was born! So I let it go on for a few more months, enlisted the help of a good friend and got us out of there. He's apologized many times since and acknowledged that his drinking had gotten out of control. He says I was good to him and didn't deserve everything he did. It's sad in a way that our relationship ended that way but it got me to where I am know. I look at my 3 younger boys with my s/o and am thankful for every moment that destroyed my marriage to my ex. Oh, what was the final straw? When he helped a "friend" leave her abusive boyfriend and came home mad at me for being upset about him being gone.