I committed SUICIDE
By maple_kisses
@maple_kisses (2156)
Philippines
April 10, 2007 8:31pm CST
What do my loveones, my friends, and my casual acquaintances have in common? They all describe me as a smart, happy and brave person. Little did they know that it was just a facade. I am stupid, lonely and a coward. Stupid to think of suicide as an alternative, lonely enough to take my own life, coward to face my problems.
In my whole 25 years in this world, I already had 3 suicide attempts. Two were bloody and the other one was really painful.
I was 16 when I slashed my left wrist, 21 when I slashed my right wrist and 25 when I hanged myself in my room. I was pretty sure I'll get out alive because I really have high threshold for pain... The slashing felt like nothing, I just got grossed out with the sight of too much blood, that's why I finally stopped the blood and eventually prevented myself from dying.
Well, the last one was committed just a few days ago. It's not a usual hanging. I tied a long clothing at the highest part of my walls and then tied the other end at my neck. I jumped from the desk and was choking myself to death that my tears and saliva came out. I closed my eyes preparing to die then I saw my mom's crying face, her beautiful face, marred with tears, begging me to come back to her...
Reality snapped at me and I felt enough pain on my neck. Enough for me to struggle with the blanket and climb at the wall to ease the pain. You might as well imagine Spiderman on the wall, frantically grasping for breath. Well I survived that last one all right. It was even funny when I think of myself on that wall.
No, I don't think I'm insane, I'm in my right frame of mind. I know when to stop but I'm concerned that when I do it again, I might not be able to stop myself. Do you think I need a Psychiatrist?
1 person likes this
6 responses
@biznizman01 (581)
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
hello there friend. please don't do this again. life is too precious to be thrown away like that.
i don't know where you depression is coming from or what the mistakes you have committed but believe me when i tell you that you are not alone. a lot of people makes mistakes and was a disappointment to their family.
i am disappointed with myself a lot of times. i commit mistakes left and right that i already lost count. don't be discourage, have faith. Seek the Lord and he will grant you peace.
I wish you well friend.
@biznizman01 (581)
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
Your welcome. I'm glad that I am able to help even in a small way.
Stay happy, think positive, and enjoy life. :-)
@p0wcheee (97)
• Philippines
11 Apr 07
Yeah. Because there might be another attempt and you just couldn't get out off.
You know how physical pain is just reflection of a deeper pain like, it is way of breathing for someone who's in the pits. Seeing the wound, the blood and the tears is just an assurance that it is real.
I'll pray for you. I hope that you'll be okay. Don't be afraid to ask for help or let somebody in you life. Admitting that there is something wrong doesn't make you weak. ;)
@rsa101 (37968)
• Philippines
16 Sep 08
Yes I would suggest that you see a psychiatrist to attend to what really bothers you that you feel losing yourself from doing it on yourself. I think you have the quality that your friends are telling you to be why no live up to it and enjoy life. What is it that bothers you to prompt you from ending your life. What makes you become a victim of your circumstance. Why waste this beautiful life you have it is a gift that you should be enjoying not destroying.
@jay1558 (10)
• China
11 Apr 07
no anything is more important than life.encourage youself
to settle the difficulty.
@Teyjattt (126)
• United States
11 Apr 07
No matter how tough things get, you ALWAYS have someone who cares for you. Even if your parents become disappointed with you, they still love and care for you. Your friends care for you too. Most importantly though, He cares for you. Please never forget that.
@modstar (9605)
• Philippines
15 Sep 08
you have high threshold for physical pain but how come not emotional? well, whatever, just don't give up on life. there are lots of good things to do. who knows, even mylotting will do the trick! but still, if everything is going against you.. don't kill yourself. let others, the environment, the situation, etc kill you except you.
