We know it's to be expected... but it's still hard
By arkaf61
@arkaf61 (10881)
Canada
March 21, 2008 11:02pm CST
Hello my friends. I haven't been here at all today, I just came from the hospital.
Hubby's grandma - the one with Alzheimer's was admited in emergency last night.
Apparently she has a renal infection that has turned really bad.
It shouldn't surprise any of us. For the past months there have been some small things here and there that in retrospect show us that her body is slowly shutting down.
For the past 5 years she has been in bed. She isn't able to walk. She hardly talks and she doesn't really notice her surroundings.
But until two days ago she would open her eyes and look straight at us when we talked to her. She even sung parts of her favorite musics that we put on a cd for her.
It os hard to feed her, because like a baby she will spit her food, or let it drip down her chin.
She will pull our hands and take them to her mouth and will pull our her or sink her nails in our arms.
But still, we didn't really mind, it was a sign that she was still there.
Two days ago she wasn't as responsive anymore and yesterday she didn't even open her eyes for the whole day. At night she seemed to be having trouble breathing so hubby's aunt took her to the emergency.
I am glad that hubby's cousin is here. He lives in Japan for the past 8 years and comes here only for 2 or 3 weeks each year.
I'm glad because there were decisions to take that I wouldn't feel comfortable making. This way, he was the one talking to his mom and they both ended up agreeing that if something happens they will not want grandma hooked up to resuscitation machines.
SO far all the doctor's are saying is that there is sepsis which is serious enough. They are giving her antibiotic intravenously and if she reacts then she will be going home - but we were warned that there might be more things like this happening.
If the antibiotic doesn't work, she will stay in the hospital. The chances are not good. Sepsis will continue, she will break down her blood pressure will continue to lower until her heart stops.
As much as we can understand that maybe this will be better for all - hubby's aunt, with a serious hearth problem has to take care of grandma alone 24/7. Her husband doesn't really help much and he is sick himself. It's very hard to take care of grandma. Because she doesn't move, simple things like washing her, changing the bed or even just the diaper require strenght and even I sometimes struggle.
I help when I can, but it's hard for me too, since I'm often needed when I come from work and usually on days when I'm really tired.
Hubby's parents, specially his dad = since it's his mom too - don't help at all. Actually the don't even visit her.
So maybe this is really for the best, but it's hard anyways.
Have you been in a situation lately where you had to make decisions that you weren't really prepared to?
4 people like this
11 responses
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
22 Mar 08
Sweetie first of all I am so sorry to read this it must be hard
I do not want to sound hard but I think she needs to go to rest now
Why are your In Laws not helping???
I just do not understand at all
Sweetie you are all in my thoughts and I hope that Grandma soon gets relief of the Pain and suffering either way
Love you Sweetie xxx
@whyaskq (7523)
• Singapore
22 Mar 08
I am sorry to hear about the current state of affairs. Hope you are dealing well with it. Many many years ago, I had to make several decisions about my dad which I was not prepared, to be frank, was not ready for decision making. My dad was warded for brain tumor and had to be operated to remove the tumor, not once but twice. I had to approve the surgery without knowing what is happening. I only knew it is going to be a long operation and his fate is in the hands of the surgeon. I was in my teens then and had to shoulder the liveihood of the family.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
23 Mar 08
I have to say that I am glad cousin was here to make that decision. It was easier for aunt to accept her son's reasoning.
I was talking to her today and she told me that even though she agrees that it 's the best solution if the doctor asked her she wasn't sure if she would be able to say it.
This way was better for everyone.
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5015)
• United States
23 Mar 08
That's a tough situation but I agree with you. I don't think I would want to be on artificial life support either. The closest thing I can think of that I've had to deal with was taking care of my mom who is bipolar with paranoid schizoid disorder. Her heart doctor took her off her meds after the surgery and she did okay for a while and then she got really bad. She lives with my husband and me since the heart surgery. I had to get a conservatorship to get her in the hospital to get help. I don't think she will ever forgive me but I had tried everything else and this was all I could do to get her into the hospital and back on her psych meds.
I can imagine how hard it would be take care of someone in your grandmother's shape. Fortunately I'm not working now and mom can still get around well. I just can't leave her alone for very long.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
23 Mar 08
Yes certain decisions can be quite complicated, and specially when we have to make them and our loved ones are not in a state to appreciate them.
It helps when we are staying home because I've noticed for myself that sometimes it is quite hard to work, have our home and kids to take care of and still have to take a day or two to stay with grandma.
1 person likes this
@Fishmomma (11658)
• United States
22 Mar 08
I'm sorry that your all going through these difficult times. I think we all go through bad times and its good to have friends that will listen. My mother in law and father in law needed a lot of care at the end so I know how hard it is when you want to do more, but can't do more.
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
23 Mar 08
Yes, sometimes it is complicated. SOmetimes I feel guilty because there are times that I can't help. And sometimes I feel even guiltier because I can and I really was planning on doing something else and I wish I didn't have to go.
But it certainly can't hurt to change some plans to help family.
1 person likes this
@theprogamer (10532)
• United States
22 Mar 08
Another event like this...
Its painful to look at but I want to help face it with you. Things may look down but the immunoglobin solution may help out.
Can't continue along that route long,(personal) I'm sorry.
No matter what occurs you've got my thoughts Arkaf as does your grandmother.
I wish you both the strength to see this through to the end.
"Have you been in a situation lately where you had to make decisions that you weren't really prepared to?"
No...
Not yet. Even if there were, it was nothing like this.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
22 Mar 08
I know that I have complained a bit about hubby's family here, but in reality my complaints are basically just about his parents and sister. Aunt, uncle and grandma have always been very special to me, and I have wonderful memories of grandma before she got sick.
So yes, it is kind of hard to say goodbye even when we think that it is for the best.
Thanks for the hug and the prayers
1 person likes this
@AmbiePam (120531)
• United States
22 Mar 08
I have just been posting about my uncle dying. It came on so suddenly weeks ago, and then he got sepsis. He was taken off the ventilator after the MRI revealed no brain activity. I didn't have to make those decisions, to take him off the ventilator, but I know it must have been hard. And how hard it must be for your husband to see his grandma suffer so much. I'm truly sorry and will say a prayer for his family. I'm glad he can be there to help his mother though.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
22 Mar 08
I"m sorry about your uncle, my friend.
This kind of decision is always difficult and it's a good thing = in a way - that the matter was out of your hands.
I think we all feel that this will be for the better because for the last 5 years at least grandma really isn't there in any way, but it is still difficult, specially because grandma has been there for all of us at one point or other.
Thanks for the prayer.
1 person likes this
@tess1960 (2385)
• United States
23 Mar 08
I am so sorry you are having to go through this now. My grandmother, mom's mom, had Alzheimers. She lived for 10 years past the diagnosis. I had moved away and did not see her for 12 plus years. We corresponded my mail a lot. The last couple years the letters were fewer and fewer and some came from grandpa. Then when I returned to the area to stay I found out grandma was in a nursing home, no one had told me prior. She had alzheimers. The first time I went to visit I remember thinking she looked fine but when she spoke it was not the same. Her conversation was confusing and she had no idea who I was. The next time I went she called me by name and spoke to me of a private family situation and she said that her and grandpa would take me in and everything would be allright. She spoke to me as if I were 14 years old again. That was my age when the incident she spoke of happened. But she new me and that was the one and only time she ever called me by name. After that I was Danny or Alice, my Uncle and Aunt. She even once told me to stop picking on my little brother and then said "you know Danny is sensitive". I can chuckle and smile now about it but then it was very hard. It was hard to watch how the disease progressed. She went from walking the hallway to shuffling down the hallway to standing outside her room door to a wheelchair. At the end she quit doing everything. Grandma was a good Christian woman and we all knew we had to tell it was ok to go. The last week was the hardest I think for mom and her siblings. When the doctors said this was it we all kept a round the clock vigil with her. She kept hanging on and then we all seemed to realize at once that she was waiting, not all of her children were together yet. My Uncle arrived, and all 5 of her children were there and when he went into her room her breathing changed. He spoke with her and we all backed away. I took my siblings out of the room and we listened at the door. Grandma never spoke, never opened her eyes, just peacefully passed on with all 5 of her children together again. She knew they would need each other to get through the next days ahead. I think the hardest words my Uncle ever spoke were, "It's okay momma, I'm here, you can let go now."
You and your hubby are wonderful people, I know the work you are doing to make her last days comfortable is hard. One of my brothers didn't visit grandma as often, at first I was angry with him for that but then I realized we area all different and not everyone can handle the caregiving required or even to see someone they love in that way. Among me and my siblings he is the sensitive one. You are a dear person, you will be rewarded one day. Bless you!!
@tess1960 (2385)
• United States
24 Mar 08
We always spoke with my grandma as if she was fully aware because we were always afraid that maybe she really was and she was just stuck in the shell of her body unable to communicate. I am sure your family has had the same thoughts, you and hubby anyway. I know in my heart of hearts that grandma left us knowing she was loved. I am sure yours will too when the time comes. I do hope things are better today.
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15219)
• United States
22 Mar 08
This reminds me of the first time an attorney asked me to sign as a witness for someone he was drawing up a conservatorship on, and I didn't feel the the old fellow really knew what was going on when he consented to it, but on the other hand if he was that trusting then maybe he really did need someone to look after his affairs. I realized that if I held up the process by asking too many questions the attorney would just fire me and hire somebody else and it would be business as usual, but on that one something in my gut said all is not right here.
Everybody was so nice, and that made it harder. I really liked my boss, but the old guy seemed very sweet and I kept wondering why if his kids were so intent on taking over his assets, why weren't they there explaining it to him themselves. That is a lot different from your situation, but something that as you asked, I really wasn't prepared to do. I will always wonder if it was the right thing.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
22 Mar 08
Yes, difficult decisions. Specially - like in your case- when something doesn't really feel completely right, or at least when we have something inside making us doubt .
For my part I am relieved that hubby's cousin was here, so I didn't have to make any decision on this case.
I agree with the way he did it and what decisions were taken, but it was easier for him as a son to talk to her mom and discuss the options than for me as a niece - and an outsider come to think of it, since I just married into the family.
1 person likes this
