How far are you willing to go to protect your child?

Thank you for the advice and support. They have pretty much cut themselves out over the past couple of years. My husband knew that there were issues in his family long before I came into the picture, he moved as far from them as possible while still staying in the states. They don't like that we have moved on, but I was hoping that I wasn't being too mean in always comming up with excuses. There is no reason to address it directly so far we have been able to just "be busy" on those rare occasions they ask us to come up.

This member in particular just called last week talking about how "he was sorry he couldn't give more to our daughter," and "how he could not wait to see her," etc. So it brought it back to the forefront.

Might it be better to be frank with this person? It's a hard line to toe, but at some point he might catch on and feel double offended, once for not being allowed to see your daughter, and the second because you "lied" to him. If he's far enough away, can you be frank with him about your reasons for keeping him away? Is there any possiblity that could get him into counseling?

He has been to counceling, it didn't do any good. There is serious anger issues and some of them are probably legit, just focused on the wrong person. We have considered being frank with him, but he is happy with his relationship with his mother and father now and if we were to address it head on we would have to point out the fact that they are who he should be angry with, not my husband, and how would that help?

I understand what you mean by he maybe double offended, but I feel the only reason he would try to come down would be to hurt my daughter. He has called us less than 5 times in the 8 years my husband and I have been together. The latest being the one last week appologizing for not being able to see us more, etc.

Thank you for your words of support. I have been the bad guy on this for a while, it is easier for my husband to use me as an excuse on the rare occasions that it has come up. For example Christmas is with my family (not just because of this family member but because my husband gets sick whenever he is around his family literally) and my family is from the old school. They clap and cheer etc for our daughter, she is the first grandchild and doted on.

I know at some point she will see this person, my husband's mother is getting remarried next year. I just wanted to know that I am not wrong for saying, it will be on my terms, not anyone else in the family's. For example neither myself nor my daughter will NEVER stay in a home where he is OR has access to. I will get a hotel and have my own rental car if I need to get away.

Children don't need to be around negativity, no matter what form it takes.
You're doing the right thing.

Thanks!

OH let me clarify here, we live NO WHERE close to any of them. The closest is 24 hrs drive time and the problem one is 28 hrs drive time. And we have a small house so we have been able to make it clear that "while we would love to see them, there is just no room for them to stay here, so if they came to visit we would get them a hotel room so they would be comfortable."

I was just making sure I was not being a "mean spiteful" wife. I just would rather his family be upset with me than risk my daughter's saftey.

Thank you for the support!

Thank you for the support. I really do feel that just moments could damage a child forever and I would rather have his family mad at me if it ever came to that, than to put her in what could be permanantly harmful situation. Sometimes it is easier to get in your head what you would do if it comes to it ahead of time and then you can put it out of your head because you already know the answer!

I agree it is not going to be pretty if it ever came to it. I believe the family member does have serious real issues by this point. What happened none of us know, but he has it in his head that whatever it was was my husband's fault for not protecting him. The family rumor is that he was molested but again no one knows.

I know I can ensure that the very limited contact that may occur (I can only really think of 2-3 occasions, his mother's weding, and his parents deaths) that there is never a moment when my daugher would not be by my side. Any of these we would have our own hotel, own car, and I am known in the family for being a little "odd" so saying I want my space makes it where we don't have to address the situation...

I know that prob is not good either, but honestly I don't think addressing it would do any good.

Thank you for the support, it does help to know that I am not off my rocker and that I am doing the right thing (to the best of my knowledge which is all I have to go on!).

Thank you for the support! I am glad to know that I am not being unreasonable and that I was correct in not having to justify it (that would just lead to a debate in my opinon and there is no debate), I don't trust him and don't think he has any reason to be around her.

thank you for the words of support, that is all we can do for our children isn't it? And we all do our best!

I agree with not making waves if it can be helped. I really don't try to pick fights, this is just something I don't think the family will ever see eye to eye on, and I would rather they be mad at me for erring on the side of my daughter than allowing the possibility of danger to come to her.

Thank you for the words of support. My husband does support me, in the fact he knows my stance and that I am not budging on this one. He also trusts my judgement, it is just not something that we feel the need to come right out and say. Telling his family "There is no way this person will ever be allowed around our child" really wouldn't help anything. Using me as an excuse (and I had forgotten to mention that after this person did what they did at our wedding, I approached him quietly and to the side and let him know, "You got in your shots, and I hope you are happy, you will be at the ceremony tomorrow, and after that don't ever expect to be a part of our lives again." He did just that, and I know he complained to his mother who has hinted but never come outright. They do know my stance though and that my husband made his choice when he said, "I do."