Insults! Can you share the best you've heard AND manage to keep it clean?

Another good one that I just found is is "there's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure".

Hi crispeater. I love the bulldog one especially. It is not offensive at all but still harsh! A similar one I know of is - "She's got a face like a half sucked mango!" and an Australian version I once heard is - "He's got a face like a dropped meat pie!" I remember a band called "Chocolate Starfish" that did a cover of Carly Simon's song too but they were a one-hit wonder I think and faded away after that. Thanks for responding and also for the link. I will definitely check it out!

Oh - and this one to the same person who likes to brag how much of a man he is (which is usually an indicator of quite the opposite, I think): You don't have the mechanical ability to open a paper bag.

But us men like to feel we are geniuses whenever we do anything jerzgirl! Even if it IS just a paper bag! I like the one about the shoe and I have met many people in my life that fit that insuklt perfectly! lol. I remember seeing a man in a supermarket once that had a T-shirt that read - "Call your village, they want their idiot back!" lol. Thanks for responding and for sharing your own versions.

How do I call my village? I want to go home.

Just dial 1800-MEOW and it should patch you straight through.....

I need the numbers!

Ah that's right..... Village Idiot...... My mistake! It's 1800-6369. Make sure you ask for Jung.

Missing three numbers!

No, no. This is a SPECIAL number!

I managed to get a hold of them. They told me to give you their regards, James.

I am not surprised at all really. It was only a few weeks back that they tried to nail me for harrassment seeing as I was calling them so much!

lol. The same goes for my wife when it comes to people talking to her! And what's even funnier is that people speak louder as well as if she was deaf! "SO, DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?" I found another insult I liked a few hours ago - "You're like an idiot sandwich without the bread!" The "wake me up when you're done" one wouldn't bother us men at all by the way! Thanks for sharing these and good effort on keeping it clean with all those hints inside the brackets too! lol.

Ahaha, if people start treating her like she can't hear a thing then maybe your wife should start acting like she can't say anything. Yes, I do notice people doing that. Unfortunately, you come up with insults right after the person you want to throw the insult at leaves. Then you tell yourself you'll remember this next time but end up forgetting it again. I need that sandwich!

Ohhh...James I would have to milk that one. I would keep acting like I couldn't understand them until they were screaming and people were looking at them. Then I would go, in a whisper, "WHY are you screaming, can you not HEAR english?"

Thankfully it is not a common occurence for my wife but it does happen occasionally. We at least see the funny side of it so no drama's. I encounter unusual situation's myself too. You would be amazed how many people come up to me and start speaking fluent Arabic to me for one! Do I look like I can speak it or something?? Only a couple of weeks ago I had someone ask me where I was from and when I told him Australia he immediately said - "Ah, yes, they speak French there right?" I still can't work out how the heck he came to THAT conclusion! And of course by being a white male pretty much everybody assumes I am an American at first too. Apparently there are no white people from anywhere but America? I even had a guy I work with here stand with me in a shopping centre and every time someone white walked past he would ask me if they were Australian. I asked him how he could possibly think that ALL white people are Australian and he told me that they are not tall so they must be. As far as he is concerned, all tall white people are from Russia and the rest of them are Australian! lol. At least I have me some constant entertainment I guess.

Ahahaha, you mean you haven't been to the French Province of Australia, James?

I guess it works the other way around too huh? I must admit that I still get surprised and amused sometimes when I hear someone starts speaking in Australian or British.

Yeah I think I must have driven straight through the French Province and not even realized it! I am not surprised that it is odd to hear an Aussie accent either. I very rarely come across any myself! I see heaps of Brits though. My accent by the way is not a thick Australian one as I had a British accent when I first moved there. I have kept a little of the British accent all these years and most people that meet me for the first time do think I am a Brit most of the time. Only at first though.

So you're one of them who's harder to decipher. Is he American, Australian or British? Swedish? Irish? Heheh.

I'm a walking, talking human conundrum SaintAnne!

...village speed-dialing conundrum...

what's THAT supposed to mean?

Follow me sugah....reason is riiiiiight over heeerrreeee!

I saw this one too Irish, it was shared in one of your discussions I think. I had better not hit you with some blonde jokes otherwise I will end up upsetting people for sure! lol. There are many though. All I do know is that if you want to drown a blonde, just put a mirror on the floor of a swimming pool. Thanks for sharing one anyways, it's actually quite a tame example so I am assuming that you're feeling a bit melancholy today then?

That's a good one James. I know a lot of people get offended by blond jokes, but noooooooooooot meeeeeeeeeeeee. Life's too short!

Thank goodness for that dizzblnd! lol. After I saw your comments to Irish's reply I had a feeling you might be back after I had made on myself! There is humor in everything and it is great when people can see it as just that and not take things personally.

LMBO!!!!!!! Does he have red hair?

Oh, no! Don't tell me, your brothers say that, too?
No, he doesn't have red hair.

There was once this American Express commercial that asked "How do you stop a rhino from charging?" So my sister asked me the same question and I fell into her trap and said "How?" and she said "Stop yourself." I ended up charging her!

*LMAO* That is funny.

Hahaha. Very good! Hey, do you guys know how to keep two idiots in suspense?

You'll tell us later

Yeah, what dizz said.

I'm NEVER gonna tell you! That's the point yes?

I decided to use this "joke" on Boyfriend last night, James. And he fell into my trap! But it made him laugh out loud while shaking his head at me. Though I had to make the noun subject singular rather than two.

Hahahaha. Great stuff! It doesn't even matter of the other person doesn't get it. As long as we get a kick out of it then who cares!

My husband loves using this the...lol ever since he seen in on that movie Keanu Reeves was in, and another movie called Along came polly where the guy who went to fart said we have got to go I accidentally sharted..it is where he went to fart and ended up shitt on himself a bit..
My mom has a t-shirt that says I'm not mean, I just don't like you..

Great t-shirt! Maybe I should order myself one of those one day? And sharted? Goodness me, that's one heck of a new word to add to my vocabulary today. i just hope I never shart anytime soon.

Why thank you! I had great concern for people's ability to keep things clean but I am very impressed so far! The examples you have given are very funny! I read another one last night - "Is that your face or did your neck just throw up?" Thanks for sharing these dizzblnd.

I hope it continues to stay clean. I am taking notes. Me and this guy I work with trade insults all day long! It's lotsa fun.


Oh.. and uhhhhhhh my neck DID throw up!

I hope they stay clean too dizzblnd. Not just for the sake of keeping the discussion from being deleted, but also because it is more challenging to be funny and insulting without profanities! Good luck with your new verbal arsenal.

Goodness me alok! And a man of your literary talents too! Watch and learn my friend; you just never know when one of these might come in handy. lol. Thanks for the comments.

I am not sure what I would say in return if someone said that to me. It's definitely insulting and quite mean too! One of my all time favourites that I have used many times is "When you were born they slapped your Mother!" Thanks for sharing your example mimpi.

hahaha..that's quite funny.

Ok here goes another..

Yo momma's so stupid,
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Hahahaha.

Yo mama's so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!

Say hi to your Mama and MY kids next time you see her!

lol...

Yo momma's so fat,
when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"

Yo momma's so fat,
she makes sumo wrestlers look anorexic.

Hahahaha.

Yo Mama's so ugly that your Father takes her to work everyday just so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye!

Yo Mama's so poor that I saw her kicking a cardboard box down the street one day and when I asked her what she was doing she said "Moving!"

lol..
lol..
lol....can;t stop laughing...now you will get on my tummy after the throat..

At least this is making you focus less on the sore throat! I have to go shopping now mimpi but I will catch you later no doubt. Once again, welcome back! See you soon.

Thanks James.
You go shopping every evening, do ya??

Happy Shopping.
Hugs to Cjay.

how bout.. yo mamma's so fat we're standing inside her right now!

Hahaha. Oh I think we have an unlimited supply of these ones!

Yo mama's so STUPID she thought that Fleetwood Mac was a new burger at McDonalds!

Hahaha...

I am not sure if you responded in the right place Greeneagle! You lost me on this one mate.

If you don't get it, James, then maybe you just got insulted... wittily.

I guess I must have been! Count..... Adding..... If it's mathematical wit then no wonder I missed it.

Hi Jimbo. Very good. The parents one especially is very funny! lol. Thanks for sharing them.