Insults! Can you share the best you've heard AND manage to keep it clean?

You know now sunchild so keep 'em coming! This poor person in Italy! lol. It sounds like they certainly copped a constant barrage. It's great fun to trade insults though, especially when they are flying back and forth between people that see the humor in them and don't get too upset by it all. Thanks for responding and for sharing all of these. They're great!

Glad you liked them, you should know that these insults I always use them especially the last one. These are invented by me, so I'll post others as soon as I remember some or when i invent others.

Got some: "He is such a liar than he cannot even speak honestly with himself"
"She is a so jealously that she gets jealous even at her own shadow" (heard my mom saying this about someone)
"He's so stupid that you get surprised how can he knows about himself"
"He's so hairy that if he looses his hair he can uses the fur from his chest and still will have enough"
"He's so hairy that his shirt is stretched to it's limit."
"He's so ugly that even a blind one will be scared to death"
"If you lost someone and you want him or her back call him because his so noisy that the dead won't rest in peace"
"He's so bossy that you gain immortality."
"Your prettier when you make a grim face than when your normal"
"Choosing the wrong moment to do something is one of his supreme talents"
"If this means to be smart than I prefer to be an idiot" (same goes at this "if this means to be an adult than i prefer to be a milk sucker", these versions I made it up after someone I knew, who claims to be very intelligent and grown up, did something really really foolish, like not letting the broken leg heal)

Ok let me improve the hairy guy insult (sorry i messed it up), the right version was "He's so hairy that when or if he balds he can take some hair from his chest and still have enough". Sorry about this but it's a little hard to translate.

Oh, so you're translating these from another language sunchild? Make sure you write them all down then for future reference. You never know when you might need them and they are very good. Thanks for sharing more of them with us all.

well I'm translating my insults from my native language to English, unfortunately some can't be translated without ruining the comic essence. Everyday i always create a new insult, me and some buddies of mine we are insulting each other as a hobby:)), so I'll try to remember the best ones. Or i just could ask my mom she is a MASTER OF MASTERS of jokes and funny sentences.

This is an interesting hobby to have sunchild!

Yep it sure is, it kills some time ok here are some new ones:
"The only moment he get's scared is when he looks in the mirror."
"If you want to kill someone than cook."
"You're so dumb when you cheat on a test copying the results from another you write his or her name too instead of yours." (this one is based on a true event)

Hahahaha. I like the second one especially! I know some wannabe cooks that this could have been used on many a time! lol.

Than you have your "weapon" so don't hesitate to use it. i'll come later with other insults, this day the "harvesting" was a little hard.

Inspiration can strike us at the most unexpected moments so take your time sunchild. Life always seems to provide us with constant ammunition in this regard too so I am sure that this will be an ongoing hobby for you always!

OK this day i was bad and I couldn't help to annoy a classmate of mine. He was reading a sign about an historical building and I couldn't help myself and said "Chris you don't have to make such an effort you know that you can't read". He a little angry said "Don't worry I'm not you" which after I replied "No your not, your far more worst... you're Chris". After that i apologized still it was funny.

Another tried to make a joke and said "I'll hit you with my car" there I replied "With your car? than I don't need to worry about." And silence was the reward.

lol. I hit people with reading insults all the time actually! Whenever I see a colleague reading something I always act surprised and ask them when they learned how! Or ask if there are picture because there MUST be because they can't read etc But ultimately silence IS golden! If we end up with silence then game, set and match!

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lol. Thanks for the new ones sunchild. We have a saying back in Australia for someone that is not overly gifted on the looks department:

"He has a fine face for radio!"

Wow than k you for the BR! Here's another one "You're so dumb that you don't know how to hear", I was talking to someone (kind of silly and you can guess what was he's response)

lol. You are most welcome sunchild! Such a devotion to the insult cause couldn't go unnoticed or unrewarded!

Thank you again! Even if I'm picked I'll try to give you more insults...I mean write them down, not insulting you.

OK here are some phrases about someone who never picks the phone to answer:
"Tell me something that would surprises me like he's answering the phone."
We have a teacher with a very bad breath and i said to my friends:
"What did you expect from an undead (he's very old)? Rosen perfume?"
"He's so old that if you go with him at a museum you'll be arrested for artifact robbery."
Other collections:
"She's so skinny that she can really disappear to thin air"
"MAN! He's so fat I'm surprised how did his mother managed to gave birth to him."
"I tried to see your IQ results but there aren't such small numbers."

sorry forgot to add one with the phone theme:
"OMG! YOU ANSWERED MY CALL!!! Oh no this means the apocalypse is coming!"

lol. One of my own personal favourites that I have to admit I use quite often, is when someone has a birthday. I will always congratulate them and tell them they should be very happy because it is not every day that someone's age matches their IQ!

Uhh nasty! I like it. I'll try to post some more but lately I've got caught up by some projects and time is running out...for my luck. God i'm sometimes so lazy even to be lazy.

I have been unbelievably busy lately too sunchild so don't sweat it!

Alright then i have reutnr though with little material so ehre I go:
"You're so hairy that even bigfoot looks bald next to you"
"You want to castrate him? don't waste your time"
"If it was with naked pictures you would have seen the butter" (or any other things from the fridge)
"So paranoid that from mosqitoe she/he hears malaria"
"Wow his but is so big I bet he gives birth and not his wife...that is if he likes women" (I and a cousin of mine saw a man in my college with a really big but...was wondering why it was full moon at dawn)
"She is so cold hearted I call her only summer time to cool off"
"The moment I saw her I know why gays exist"

Hahahahahahahaha Long time no see Sunchild! Thanks for coming back and sharing some more. Make sure you keep yourself fit 'cos I reckon you'll need to do a bit of running from people on occasion with all these insults! lol.

VERY nicely done inkling! There are two joys here to acknowledge, the first being the joys of bureaucracy; and the second being the far more profound joy and that is the indescribable pleasure we can derive from a blissfully unaware English language ignoramus! I can't recall exact specifics right now but I too have made extremely sarcastic comments to people before and had them thank me profusely while remaining completely unaware of the barbs amongst my words! lol. The hardest thing to do in cases like these though is to keep our composure and walk away without cracking up! Thanks for responding and for sharing this story.

Thanks James, I know I went away smiling that day----

I can imagine! And you are most welcome.

"Scumbubble" lol. Even that word on it's own is a solid insult! hahaha. I think that unless you are at another Government office, saying that someone is a waste of DNA is probably the best bet rather than the preceding version. It would be a shame to hit someone with the complex insult and then have it go over their head.

Winston Churchill being mean and funny made me chuckle. Thanks fjaril and thanks James for this discussion.

well SaintAnne.. I feel. er.. blessed!! Thankyou!!

Very, very funny fjaril! I had heard the first part of the Churchill quip but never the second part so thanks for sharing it! I have always loved the more intellectual and witty insults and this is why I wished to try and have people keep it clean! Sure I was concerned about the discussion being deleted too but most of all I wanted to share ones just like you have shared.

I remember reading another insult made by Denise Roberts to her fellow romantic novelist Barbara Cartland. Barbara Cartland had told Denise Roberts that she had written 145 books and Denise replied - "Oh, I see. One a year!"

Another very funny and sarcastic woman is Joan Rivers and she too has come out with some classic insults. One was related to a comment she made in the 1980's - "Boy George is all England needs..... Another Queen who can't dress!" lol.

Thanks for the response minivan.

HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA
Thankyou James.. what you have brought to my life!!
I know I owe you bigtime brosan(brother)

Always a pleasure minivan. Without laughter there is nothing but eternal darkness!

I am glad you think so RYBD! I am especially happy that people have indeed kept things clean to date because anyone can be offensive but it takes true wit to be insulting wthout profanity! I especially like your second example and I am sure there is little int his world that would be lower than whale faeces!

I read another "Yo mama" one the other day that I thought was very funny - Yo mama is so ugly that when she was a child they had to tie a steak to a rope around her next just so the dog would play with her! Thanks for sharing your own.

That's an interesting statement to put in a loving way Donna! There was actually a TV show called "Yo Mama" that I used to watch on MTV and I used to laugh myself silly wayching all the insults people came up with. I think it's great that you can see the humour in it all because some of them can be very witty and hilarious! Thanks for the response.

When she said it, she softened it by calling me by the nickname that she had made up for me, so I know that she wasn't in the least bit being serious.. She is gone now and I do wish she were here to insult me again..

Hi munhozmib. Yes insults can be pretty hard hitting but if we can have a thick skin it can be pretty funny to exchange them! I know many with bad words too and these are definitely the most common. This is why I wanted to take a risk and see if we could all come up with ones that were actually profanity free! And of course I am happy to see that our fellow mylot members have not let me down and have come up with some great ones! The comment the girl made to you may not have been too detailed but I can agree that the straightforward ones can sometimes hurt most of all. Thanks for the response.

hey munhozmib if i were in your shoes i would tell her after the calling ugly thing this:"Oh really? coming from you it's a compliment", in my cirlce it's now very old but I still use it. though sooner or later i have to update it. best wishes and luck!

lol I could have said that, but I just kept my mouth shut. She was just judging everybody around, anyway, and I was included in the everybody.

Sometimes it can be best to just shut up and walk away, I agree. Otherwise a whole argument can ensue and it usually ends in tears! lol.

I agree that's why when you want to fight back you have to know your enemy, in this case you could have said it, but if she judges people in that matter was line would make her shut up.

lol. Given how much I didn't really enjoy High School I think I would have preferred the janitor's closet myself actually! Thanks for the response steflane.

I came across these today:

Yo mama so big, she has to use lake Erie as her bathtub.

Yo mama so ugly, she makes Micheal Jackson look like Brad Pitt

Yo mama so dirty, that if someone were to scrape the oil from her, there would be enough to fry 200 hamburgers.

Yo mama so tall, that whenever she pees, the whole state experiences an acid rain downpour.

Yo mama so hairy, that I mistook her for a yeti and ran for the hills.

Yo mama so smelly, she makes a bag of manure smell like a field of flowers.

Yo mama so dumb, she thought 2+2=22.

Yo mama so fat, that everyone in this room could fit inside her pants.

Yo mama so old, that much of her waste has already been fossilized.

Yo mama so ugly, she made Clint Eastwood scream like a girl.

Hahahaha. I especially like the last one regarding Clint Eastwood! Thanks for sharing more of these steflane.

Hahaha. This was quite rude yes, but still funny! lol. It's sort of a freudian slip in a way too. Sometimes our mouths move faster than our minds and before we know it we have been unbelievably insensitive. That poor woman! But as much as I hate to admit it, it is still a very funny thing to say back so quickly! Thanks for the response mommyboo.

Hahahahahaha. Very funny alottodo and let's hope that no Irish people are reading through this discussion! lol. Thanks for the response.