Would you feel hurt and disprected?  |
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 I know I have made many posts on my ex husband and i have just thought of another post...AS many of you already know I lost a baby in May/07 and almost lost my own life that night...A year ago in April my husband walks out on us and has had NOTHING to do with his kids or me!
I've heard through mutual friends that he wants to get a tattoo of the name of our baby that we lost her name is Rochelle! One friend understands and thinks that oh it's his way of dealing with the grief and he isn't doing it to dis-respect you it has nothing to do with you...Another friend agrees whole heartly with me...
I feel that yes it is dis-respectful I almost didn't make it out of surgery that night and my feelings were dismissed by him about her death and he treated me like crap...He walks out on his living children and has NOTHING to do with them whatsoever! Says behind my back I didn't WANT the baby! I think it's the most disrespectful thing he can do cuz if she ment anything to him would he not cherish the children he has? Would he not want to come closer with the Mother of that child?
What are your thoughts?
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1.  PeacefulWmn9 (2961) | 8 months ago |  First, I am sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the worst pain! I feel that your husband treating you badly and walking out on you was disrespectful to you.
I do not feel that wanting a tattoo of you and his baby's name is in any way disrespectful of you. Our relationships with our children and spouses are separate of one another. We're each individuals.
As far as his estrangement from you and his other children, that is a hard one to figure out. We each grieve and act out in our own way, and others do get hurt in the process. Maybe not intentionally, but if he is super self-focused right now, that is all he sees...himself.
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 BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | You are definatly right about him only seeing himself that is true...He wants to only get our daughters name not mine...I guess I opps in my words am truly sorry about that...He has only ever thought about himself and his feelings and not the feelings of others! | |
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| 2. derlilaStern (1294) | 8 months ago |  I dont say this to be rude, but I doubt it has anything to do with you - afterall you are now his ex.
I do agree that it is disrespectful though. Especially to his living children. There is nothing wrong with wanting to honor a child you lost. But you would think that would make you want to spend more time with the children you still have and honor them even more!
For some people, they dont come closer with the other parent after a loss like that. Sometimes it is even more painful than if they just left completely. It is always hard on the person they leave, but to leave your own children as well is something else.
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | You are not rude in that at all...And that is a good insight that is where I'm unsure of his intentions because to this day he seems to find something to still hurt me...So I don't know if he is doing it intentially...
He is acting as if I didn't even go through it at all is what is really sad and yes it's dis-respectful to our children but I believe in most its a ploy to hurt me! I have the scar to remind me everyday! | |
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| soulist (2003) | 8 months ago |  I agree I don't think it is anything against you and maybe he felt the pain and grief himself and couldn't bare to live with knowing he lost something so precious. Some people do that, leave things that would remind them of that pain.
I honestly don't think it is disrespectful for him to get her name tattooed on his body because she was afterall his daughter as well. He should be able to have the name of the child he lost.
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | I'm sure that he probably doesn't see it that way but after everything that I've heard about what he has said behind my back and how he has lied to me about his feelings, and still does to this day is why I feel a little dis-respected I guess...Our entire relationship I found out was a lie! | |
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| 3. wong89138 (30) | 8 months ago |  It sounds like you do have a point, he obviously isn't involved in his kids' lives. It's his decision to walk out, but that doesn't take away his responsibility to take care of his own kids and actually father them.
However, I don't know if getting the tattoo would be disrespectful. That may be his way of dealing with his grief, a way of saying "I won't ever forget what happened here". I know it seems odd that he'd care so little for his kids in comparison.
It sounds like you're over him, and that's probably for the best. But there always room for redemption. If he tries to be part of his kids' lives, you should try to work with him, no matter how much he hurt you.
I'm very sorry about your loss, I can't begin to imagine how that must feel.
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| PurpleTeddyBear (3807) | 8 months ago |  That's the thing, for so long she did encourage him to have a relationship with his kids. While he was staying at my house she even brought the kids over to see him! He wants nothing to do with her or the kids and that's not right! You'd think with losing one he'd want to hold his living children that much tighter!
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | I'm still struggling to be over him I really am...As far as if he does decide to try and be active that will take time this is him he has been a dead beat father for yearrrrrrrrrrrs....
I would not use my hurt for me in denying him I never have but he has for not having anything to do with them oh my ex is just gonna beek beek beek at me and I've been nothing but civil under the circumstances really he is a strange character lol! | |
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| 4. PurpleTeddyBear (3807) | 8 months ago | I really don't know hun, this is a tough one! Maybe that is his way to help him deal with Rochelle's death BUT I in no way am saying that him walking out on you and the kids was right! You'd think with him losing Rochelle he would cherish the living children he has more and want to be an active role in their lives! I really don't know what to say about this, but I do understand why you feel the way you do! | |
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | It's definatly a rough situation all around...I want to understand why he wants too...I want to understand why he abandoned me and the kids...I want to understand how he can lie and hurt someone like there nothing...All I know is if he does do it...I hope he realizes in away that it is dis-respectle to all the kids! I want nothing to do with you but I will cherish and remember my baby who is in the ground....He needs to give his head a shake lol probably it would smash with all the rocks he has for brains lol! | |
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| PurpleTeddyBear (3807) | 8 months ago | I can understand that hun, and for your sake and for the kids sake I really hope you do get the answer one day! The harsh reality though is that you probably won't because running seems to be his pattern and he knows he has a LOT to answer for! | |
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | Abosultly that seems to be all he knows is to flee run and forget the situation and the damage his actions have caused it's so easy for him to blame others for what went wrong but when it comes to realizing or admitting what he does he loves doing his song and dance of hummm and hawwing...I hope I do but I agree that your right it may NEVER happen that is why I'm holding strong and moving on irregardless I already know the truth and the more I find out the easier it seems to be to move forward! | |
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| PurpleTeddyBear (3807) | 8 months ago | Yep, he definitely knows how to run when the going gets tough! I could maybe see you one day getting your answers if it were a few lies, but he has said a ton and he probably has an idea deep down that you know the truth about EVERYTHING and that will be too much for poor him to answer to especially all at once! | |
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | Most likely that would happen but I guess that I will have to think long and hard if EVER given the chance to confront him and not let him weasly out with lies! | |
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| PurpleTeddyBear (3807) | 8 months ago | And that will be harder then it sounds because you know how well he's been getting out of lies for years now! | |
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | I completly agree I feel he can do what he wishes with his body but he will see that he may not get the support or outcome when asked...And alot of people that he knows I know and already know about Rochelle...It will bite him hehe! | |
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 betsyhu (196) | 8 months ago |  yean, i agree with you. Manbe, he only want to get attentions from others. Man's thoughts isn't same as woman, so we can't comprehend them according to ours. Communication maybe is a better way to choose. I think.
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | Thanks for your response I wish he would communicate he much rather just avoid me! | |
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| 6. josephjota (88) | 8 months ago |  it is so shame! i feel so sad!sorry about that!anyway you will be better!
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | hugzzz and thank-you I keep moving forward! | |
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7.  sulynsi (235) | 8 months ago |  I am certainly no expert, so my comment may certainly may be ignored if you feel it is inappropriate.
From what little I have read about this situation, it sounds like your husband plunged into a very deep depression, and may have benefitted from medical intervention.
THis is not to minimize your pain. I can't even imagine the suffering you are going through. It is sad enough to lose your little one, but then to be torn apart so bitterly from the one who should be your support.
Have you sought medical help, or at least grief counselling? I am concerned also for your older children. They must also be deeply grieved, even if they don't totally understand what is going on. They would understand that you and daddy are unhappy.
Maybe your husband is scared of losing his other kids as well. Maybe he blames himself for the loss and figures his kids are better off without him. People think strange things when they are depressed and grieving.
I know depression can take on different faces. I know a man who you would never think was depressed. It came out in arrogance and bravado. He was deliberately pushing his loved ones away. I don't fully understand the rationale. As a woman, my first instinct is to draw close, hug and hold loved ones in a crisis. I don't think it is the same for men. Forgive the generality. I'm certain there are men that don't feel that way. I think upbringing and cultural attitudes may have a factor. Maybe a gentlman can give more insight on this, as I'm only basing my comments on my own observations.
Again, my deepest condolences to you and your family. May you all find healing and peace.
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | I would not ignore this comment it was very well written and it makes alot of sense...
I've been in councling since he left had my appointment made before he left I just had my last meeting with my councelor and he tells me I've come along way...I was diagnosed with depression due to events in my life I was on anti-depressants but stopped taking them because they were not doing anything for me I was the same and strong and making it through....
My Ex husband when to councling was diagnosed depressed was on annti-depressants but ran away...Wasn't letting his councling work for him...As for how he treats the kids today this has been a pattern sadly that he has carried out for years...He has a son from a previous marriage and did it to him had nothing to do with him...Also when My oldest was younger and he was with this other woman he did it to my son now he is doing it to all 3...
My son after about a month I talked it over with him to help him feel more comfy about councling and the councelor that he go also is the councelor at his school so he sees her on a regular basis...I thank you cuz If I was still stuck and not going this would have opened my eyes...I'm moving on and doing better My Ex is still at square one and trying to deliberatly hurt me! | |
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| sulynsi (235) | 8 months ago | I am so glad you got the help you felt you needed and that it has given you some peace.
Good for you that you saw to it that your other children did as well.
May I offer one little suggestion?
I can't help feeling a little sorry for your ex. Not condoning what he has done. He definitely sounds as though he is his own worst enemy. One day, though, he may wake up and realize just how his behaviour has damaged himself and his children.
From my personal experience, if you can keep hope alive in your children, by avoiding being drawn into bitter feelings about him, that one day he may reconcile with his kids, if not with you.
Whatever he has done, he is still their dad and they can't help but love him. If you do what you can to remember the good times, the kids will thank you for it later. They will appreciate your not making them feel guilty about still loving dad. They won't be torn apart by their love for you and him. Then, when they get older, they can sort out their own feelings about him. But you will remain untarnished by bitterness. Your kids will always respect your kindness, your forgiving attitude, your charity.
Again, may you find peace and happiness, despite these troubles. | |
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | Your suggestion is wonderful it really is and I appreciate it very much....I'm not showing the kids about my feelings towards their Dad My 2 year old too young to understand...But as far as my 16 year old I have told him it's his choice and I support whatever decision he makes regarding his Dad!
Sadly this isn't the first time he has done this to my son...He left when my son was 10 months old and walked in and out....Treated him horrible I did show I could be friendly no hard feelings with his Dad but I saw the pain it caused my son and when I got back together with him out of faith he had changed and grown up since then as we were very young...He fought to get a relationship back with my son...Iggied his second son from his previous marriage....And is now doing it to my daughter....
If she asks about her Dad I will explain the best I can...But knowing this mans pattern the way I do I have to keep him out Either in or out....He's been gone for over a year of her life...The Damage has already been done...I'm willing to work with him...If HE ever shows interest...But I'm not trusting and PROTECTIVE mother Hen is there! | |
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| sulynsi (235) | 8 months ago | I'm sure you are doing your best in this difficult situation.
Children should be shielded as much as possible from toxic people.
I completely agree with you. They shouldn't have their childhoods hurt that way.
Love is the best shield you could provide for them. That and open communication,as you are doing.
All the best. | |
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | Thanks for your response it means alot to me...I'm doing my best as a loving Mother to show them I'll always be here My 16 year old some things he says to me just out of the blue like I love you Mom or Thank-you Mom or you look pretty Mom or I have to tell you about school Mom shows me that I've done my job and that he KNOWS i'm always here for his sister and him! | |
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| 8. bcdesjardin (37) | 8 months ago | I am so sorry to hear about your loss. my only advice is to completly foget about him and try to focus all of you attention on your kids. I cant belive somebody could do that coping mechinism or not its just wrong. not only did your kids lose a sibling they also have to deal with the loss of a father.
You seem like a really great mom I wish you all the best. | |
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | Yes I'm holding as strong as I can for me and my kids as well as for my own sanity bascially lol....It's slowly getting better to where I can let it go and put it behind me not that I will ever forget him it was a hard lesson learned and I don't wanna forget! | |
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| 9. miamilady (2498) | 8 months ago | I think we humans are completely illogical and sometimes we simply cannot understand another person's motives or feelings.
I would accept that this is something he feels he need to do. Accept that he isn't a part of your life anymore and do your best to move on without him and no worry about the things that he chooses to do with his life or his body. | |
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | I'm trying so hard not to let what he does or doesn't do bother me anything it's been a rough battle for me! But at the same time I feel it's really hard because he won't give me the respect of being a man and coming forth once and for all and telling me the truth I know hearing it may hurt yes but I believe I could put it behind me alot smoother with the avoidence! | |
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| 10. snowcat46 (1112) | 8 months ago |  First, don't think in any way I'm condoning this moron's way of coping with life. He's a selfish moron, period. You went through he##, and he kicked you on the way down. He's not worth spitting on.
But to try to look at it from a different way (though I don't want to give him any benefit of a doubt) (I just want to try to help you). Here goes. He lost his baby, and it hurt him so much, he withdrew from anything that could hurt him again. He tore into you, because if you were to blame, he isn't. He's angry, hurt and resentful of the death. He takes it out on you so he doesn't have to feel like it was his fault. He can't take that thought. It has to be somebody's fault, and he chose you as the scapegoat.
He distances himself from the other children so he won't get hurt if something happens to one of them. He pretends (or maybe not) that they don't mean anything, so it won't matter if it does happen. The tattoo doesn't have anything to do with you, it's a reminder to him of what he lost, and to remind him never to let himself care again. If you care, you can be hurt.
I dislike giving him any benefit of the doubt. But I can relate to thinking of it that way. I distance myself from pain too. I don't try to blame somebody else for it, or for any guilt I have, but I do wall myself off from things that can hurt me. I try not to, but I've gotten too good at making the walls. They're very easy to throw up, horribly hard to batter down.
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| BlueAngelRS (585) | 8 months ago | I appreciate your insight very much and That is another thought that I've not ever come up with I've been trying to figure him out yet at the same time I've been trying not to waiste all my energy on somebody that isn't worth it...He will I guess realize and hopefully one day grow up and take responsibilty for his actions as I've done out of respect for myself and him but at the same time I won't hold my breath...I like you have a wall and I'm more mad at myself right now for letting him chizzle it down...That and it hit me like a ton of bricks today I had Mr.Right to let him go to go back to Mr.Wrong! | |
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