Raising a teen boy and dealing with outside influences...
By miamilady
@miamilady (4910)
United States
June 13, 2009 9:03am CST
I have a 13 year old son. I have had a number of issues with him.
He has some problems with anxiety, which, unfortunately lead to some problems with anger.
He's also a typical teen who has moments of attitude and disrespect.
There are times that I worry he's going to turn into a sexist or a racist.
I do my best to teach him that we need to respect EVERYONE. But, mom is only one person.
He played baseball from the time he was 4 years old until he was 11. Then, I made him sit out a season. He was struggling in school and about to start middle school. I wanted him to start the year focusing on school.
Unfortunately, one season turned into four seasons. I don't think that was entirely a bad thing, but that's another subject...
Now he has started playing again. Two years later. His first practice was on Monday and he will be going to practice again today. Overall it was a good practice. He did well. He was a little behind but he didn't do bad. He even started to make friends with his teammates by the end of practice.
My concern is this...I heard the "n-word" quite a few times...and I also heard some seriously sexist/demeaning jokes about girls. The "n-word" wasn't being used by a bunch of racist whites. Many of the boys on his team are of mixed race or nationality, but I'm concerned that if he's around boys calling each other that on a regular basis that he's going to start thinking he can use that word too.
I've also had the problem already that he has a bad habit of using extremely derogatory words toward his older sister. Believe me, I've addressed the problem every way I can think of, but so far, it hasn't helped much. Nowadays, (at least in the city) it seems socially acceptable to refer to girls as b1tc&s and h0's. I guess I'm old fashioned cuz I just don't think it's okay.
How are we supposed to raise our teen boys right, when everyone else out there seems to be teaching them it's okay to talk like that?
Do you ever have to "de-program" your child from outside influences?
1 person likes this
8 responses
@savypat (20216)
• United States
13 Jun 09
You may not like it but your part in the raising of this boy is about over, now there isn't much you can do but supply positive, loving support. From now until he's about 30 what ever you have taught him will mature, sometimes it's a slow process, but in the end well worth it. I have a wonderful son who metamorphosed out of an unbelievable teen. And best of all now i am watching him raise his teenage son. It's very nice to see what goes around, comes around. Blessings
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
14 Jun 09
Savypat is so right on this. 3 of mine are grown now and it is amazing how they come out of this eventually if you've raised them with the right ethics, morals etc. It's like at some point they just "get it". We did too....i don't know about you but I gave my parents a few gray hairs. Then I turned 20...got pregnant and it was like they brainwashed me with all their silly morals and "how to be" rules. Boys, I think take a bit longer than girls...at least from what I've seen but most (not all) will come around. 
@DavidReedy (2378)
• United States
24 Jun 09
Are there any strong (and Loving) males in the family? Boys need a role model, that's for certain. That's not attack on mothers or single mothers, just a given--a girl needs to learn from a woman and a boy from a man... That may be part of the equation. Basically, you have to do what you have to do, doing your best job possible, everyone else's judgment be damned. Do what you can to Love, discipline, and protect--but knowing that by sheltering them from something only means that they may go crazily into it when they discover it on their own (perhaps with the aid of a deviate friend.) Just my two cents. I think all parents, especially single ones deserve some kind of medal. Peace,
DR...
@Darkwing (21583)
•
14 Jun 09
As long as you do the best you can to explain to your son what's wrong with using those words, then I fear that's all you can do. He will inevitably bump into, and befriend groups like the one you mention, in his adolescence. It happens all over. However, if you mention to him... indeed stress... what you overheard being said and explain to him that it's wrong, or socially unacceptable to use those words, then maybe his respect for you will keep him from the downfall that these kids are heading for. Just keep your head and talk to him in a friendly manner. Don't blame him for it, as it's just one of those lessons in life he will come across. It's how he deals with it personally that matters, and you can influence that to a degree, but not force it.
Brightest Blessings.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
18 Jun 09
Ask him if he thinks of you, his mother as a biatch or a h0 as well as it seems all women are fair game to him to be labelled thus. Compare his derogatory remarks towards his sister with some she could make towards him. Suggest that he embarrasses himself going around using bad language the way he does. PRAY.
@sid556 (30953)
• United States
14 Jun 09
Ya...that is how they talk to each other. Black people use the N word very freely but if you are not black and the wrong person hears you use it...you can be in big trouble. As for how they talk to each other...it is so common. I hear the kids talking like this all the time and it just sounds so trashy. Have you tried talking it over with the coach? Maybe he could influence them in some way. It isn't just the talk....it's the hand motions and the head bobbing that goes along with it. If they only knew how much it holds them back and what it looks and sounds like to others. We have had so many come in looking for jobs and some of these kids I know are decent and honest kids but my boss just won't hire them....we work in the public and they don't come across well.
@reckon21 (3477)
• Philippines
19 Jun 09
Your son is nearing adulthood. It might still be too early for that.
But I think you have done everything as parents should have. Boys
learn so many things from the outside influences. It's your duty to
inform and remind him that there are some certain words that never
should be spoken to others. Hope he will accept it with a face value.
That way he will learn to respect other people. So that he can be respected
too.
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
13 Jun 09
I have purposefully sent my son to a co-ed school (yes, here in India we do have quite a few separate schools for boys and girls) specifically so that he would grow up to respect girls and be friends with them...even then, I often hear him talking of girls as 'losers', as weak objects to be dominated with physical strength. I am as exasperated as you are, though your problem is more serious as he has an elder sister at home. I am totally with you about being old fashioned, no way can a boy call a girl bi*ch...I really dont know what to say as you have exhausted all options. What does he feel about an outside girl calling his sister bi*ch one day? Would that be cool with him? Or would he not like it that much?
I guess we can only wait for them to grow up and have more sense and also hope that the values we 'try' to teach them, hold good in the long run.
@latsmom (824)
•
13 Jun 09
OH dear, you must be going through a terrible time, but it is good that you have noticed the problem now though. I think what I would do with my daughter is introduce her to the kind of people she would not normally speak to or associate with, you may find that if you introduce your son to some people of ethnic minority he will see that they are people too and the colour of the skin does not determine the type of person we are. It is a shame he feels this way and I can see by your post that it has not come from you, It is hard to unscramble scrambled eggs as they say but you can always spice them up into something else, maybe you can change his views while he is still young. Unfortunately youth today do what they deem is cool and follow their peers. Maybe you could get him into some after school activities to try and get him away from the people who are teaching him such behaviour.
I think that people of black origin cxalling each other such names has become habituous due to the rap songs ect, but still as someone who is mixed raced myself and with two daughetrs I would hate to think that she woudl come home with such a word. I also suffer from anxiety and it can be frustrating at times which I think may be the stem of his anger. As he is at an age where he will be noticing girls maybe if you tell him that a lady would wish to be adressed as one and if he continues to call women the words he does those are the type of women he will attract.
Sorry I dont have much advice for you, but I really hope that your little man sees sense. Good luck. x
