This is a Hairy One
By cynthiann
@cynthiann (18612)
Jamaica
July 31, 2009 3:12pm CST
That is what my Kathleen, my grandmother would have said if presented with this problem.
A very attractive lady in her early fifties from my community began coming to my church. She is so friendly and hospitable but has made no bones about the fact that she is in need of money. We welcomed her and she has become an instant friend of many people.
I heard about her unsavoury background from a friend but have not spoken of it as everyone can change their life around but there s just something about her that I do not trust. She hugs me for the slightest reason and says how much she admires me etc but it does not ring true.
My problem is that I have noticed her flirting with my girlfriend's husband and he seems very bemused by her and is all giggly around her etc. She has also managed to pay off her credit card debts and seems solvent again. My GF hubbie is very wealthy.
The have been married for about 40 odd years and both are in their mid sixties. I am going on a cruise with my friend but her husband is not coming so whilst she's away, the cat may play
She pretends to be a good friend to my friend too. I really feel that if an affair has not started then it surely will. I just don't know what to do. The wife has been a god friend for over 20 years. What would you advise? should I warn her or stay silent.
She pretends to be a good friend to my friend too. I really feel that if an affair has not started then it surely will. I just don't know what to do. The wife has been a god friend for over 20 years. What would you advise? should I warn her or stay silent.7 people like this
15 responses
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
1 Aug 09
I can't imagine that this couple lasted for over 40 years if the husband were suseptible to affairs! Surely he would have been tempted before now, and possibly taken the bait. If he had cheated on her before, then sad to say, it's her own fault for taking him back, because that's basically giving him permission to cheat on her and get away with it. If he has not previously cheated, then I doubt there's any reason to assume he will now. Sure he's enjoying some attention from a younger, more attractive woman. That does not automatically mean that he's going to fool around on his wife.
If you and the friend are so close, I would discuss with her what you've noticed, just to make sure she's aware of the situation. After that, leave it alone. If she trusts her husband, then it's not your place to try to convince her that he's going to be a pig.
3 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
3 Aug 09
I don't blame you, I wouldn't like it either, I also would look down upon the husband... I put more fault on him than the other woman personally. Unfortunatly I doubt there's much you can do. If he's going to cheat, nobody is going to stop him, and the couple will just have to cross that bridge when they come to it.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
3 Aug 09
I have never heard that he had cheated on her before but they are not that close anymore but would never part. He has fallen for this woman I am sure of that. It is sickening to see him when he is in the same room as her. Then she clings to me too long when she hugs him and whispers in her ear. But as I said, I don't know their history and she has not told me that he cheated before so maybe I will just keep out of it. I do not like women who are after my girlfriend's husbands
1 person likes this
@Ithink (10106)
• United States
1 Aug 09
If I considered this person a friend I would tell her. Just mention to her that you saw how the other lady was acting around her husband and just ask her to watch and see if she sees the same thing. If this was me I would want the heads up so that I could decide how I would want to handle the situation.
3 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
3 Aug 09
I am seeing her tonight and if I can casually work something into the conversation then I will
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
1 Aug 09
Not warn her as such and make her all jumpy, but I suggest that while on the cruise, just like any other gossip, bring up your church and the people and I am sure from there on, you can find ways of discussing this lady. While in the discussion, you might also point out very nonchalantly of course, that she flirts a lot with a lot many people and that’s something you don’t approve of. See her reaction, if she is close to you, she might come across and discuss and lay open her hearts.
2 people like this
@sudiptacallingu (10879)
• India
2 Aug 09
Yes, she might…but even then, your friend will have an inkling as to what exactly is going on behind her back…if she does not already have, i.e.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
1 Aug 09
yes, this could be done but what I am afraid of is that while we are away then she may make her play! What do you think?
@jillhill (37353)
• United States
31 Jul 09
That is a tough one....the problem is that too many times it's the messenger that gets burnt! I had a friend that was fooling around on her husband whom was also a friend. It ended up destroying our relationship....we were friends for over 20 years.....I don't think I would say anything directly....but surely give hints like "wonder why she is always hugging your hubby" etc.
3 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
31 Jul 09
Now that's an idea. I would never have thought of that. I haven't been in this sitution before and I am agonising. I appreciate this and will see how I can do it gently.
2 people like this
@tjades (3590)
• Jamaica
1 Aug 09
I have learnt to stay out of girlfriend's business and I plan to continue doing just that. Even my sisters business I am careful to get into. I have seen enough of wives and girlfriends turning on the wrong person simply because they do not want.
If I am sure of my friends true spirit then I would say something or drop a hint.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
3 Aug 09
sorry to be late in responding. I have been through my own lttle hell from last week and it has not finished yet. I have not yet made up my mind
1 person likes this
@anniefannie (1737)
• United States
31 Jul 09
I THINK YOU NEED TO BE SURE SOMETHING IS GOING ON BEFORE YOU TELL YOUR FRIEND ASK THE WOMAN ABOUT IT AND THE husband too.it might not be nothing but flirting and you would hurt your friend if nothing is going on.have a good day
3 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
31 Jul 09
I can't ask the husband as he would take offense. The woman would deny it. But you know when you feel something right down in your bones? It appears that the husband has paid all of the woman's bills though. Maybe I shoul dhold off a little. How are you feeling these days? I hope that you are in good health. Many blessings
1 person likes this
@anniefannie (1737)
• United States
1 Aug 09
if i knew for sure i would tell her maybe he will come to his senses and she might never need to know,yeas i feeling so much better now and i sure do thank you for careing and i hope you are doing well also
2 people like this
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
1 Aug 09
Hmmm...
I dunno you say she's a very good friend of yours. Maybe say you notice how she's overly flirtatious with the upstanding married men (as well as other folks in the church) including hers and you are concerned that no decent person would carry on in such a manner. And perhaps mention you do know a bit of her past and know that people change but you still have your suspicions of her intentions w/ folks at the church.
1 person likes this
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
2 Aug 09
Sounds like this person has "winning" track record in life. I'm sure you hate for this woman to take advantage of your friends hubby, but maybe nothing will happen? Would you feel comfortable confronting the woman about your suspicions? & possibly risk embarassment or ?? if those are not her intentions.
But that would raise eye brow to me as to how the bills get paid & yet has not job and does not come from money.
You may just have to sit back and let things roll and hope for the best. I know I wouldn't want to see someones finances & marriage take a downturn because of something I suspected all along.
I guess I'm not much help. You'll have to keep us updated on the true intentions of this curiously over friendly woman.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
3 Aug 09
sorry to be so late in responding. Life has been more than difficult for me lately. I am going to wait for an opportunity perhaps and play it by ear. I will let you know what happens
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
3 Aug 09
Have you already seen her? Well if you have and it's done, just ignore...
But the problem as I see it is that you don't know if there is or isn't something going on. And if there isn't and you suggest to her that there might be, you might lose yourself a friend. I'm just wondering if there's some way to get her to look more closely at the situation without saying anything straight out.
@dawnald (85137)
• Shingle Springs, California
3 Aug 09
Thinking more....
I think what I would do is tell her that I have a really bad feeling about the woman and that it appears to you as if she's getting way too friendly with her husband. But don't say anything that appears to implicate the husband - since you don't know anything's going on.
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32189)
• United States
1 Aug 09
Does your friend trust your instincts? Most good friends do. I would tell her how your feeling about the situation. I'd make it known that you just THINK this is the case, and don't have any HARD EVIDENCE. Saying something like this can be tricky as if it's not true, the couple could split up...
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32189)
• United States
6 Aug 09
Sorry it took a few days for me to respond to you. If you just say "someone" but not say who, she may begin to wonder. She may even question whether your telling the truth, I highly doubt it because you seem like such a honest person... I would broach the subject lightly, tell her you saw this person with her husband, but you can't be sure... I don't know that that would work any better, but honesty is the best policy.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
1 Aug 09
I"m not sure but we are good friends. Someone advised that I say something about her flirting with another man - not my girlfriend's husband. Something that will just alert her. what do you think?
2 people like this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
31 Jul 09
CYNTHI, U are really between a rock & a hard place. I wouldn't know what to tell u to do. Whichever route u take i am afraid it will cost u your friendship w/her. that silly ol' man i'm sure he is really flattered by her attention & hasn't got enough sense to know what she is after. It sounds very obvious to me. Don't u think your friend has noticed what she's doing? I know if u don't say anything & it happens then u will feel bad. Bless your heart, i hope u make the right decision. GOOD LUVK.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
1 Aug 09
I hope it want go any further but u know dirty ol' men that can't accept the fact they have a good wife & A LITTLE FLATTERY WILL GO A LONG WAY.I wish u weren't in this but i feel u feelings are right. I can't believe your friend hasn't noticed.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
1 Aug 09
HE IS A SILLY OLD MAN JUST FLATTERED BY A YOUNGER WOMEN DROOLING ALLOVER HIM. NO SHE HASN'T NOTICED. if SHE HAD THEN SHE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME. I didn't realise that I had typed in capitals! Whatever!
1 person likes this
It's typical of a man to get all giggly around a woman who is flirting with him. Hopefully the hubby is man enough not to cheat on his wife (your friend).@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
3 Aug 09
My gut feeling tells me that he just might do that.
1 person likes this
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
31 Jul 09
Ooo! Sticky situation!
I think that I might "call out" the lady involved. In other words, I would ask my friend if she has noticed how much this lady has been flirting with her husband. Just draw it to her attention. She will then be able to see his reaction and can take it from there. If you mention the way her husband behaves, you may make her upset. It may sound a bit accusatory. But if you put the emphasis on the way the lady is behaving, it may be easier. You would be giving her a "heads up" so to speak but not criticizing her husband.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
31 Jul 09
I'm seeing my friend tomorrow afternoon as we have to go online for tickets etc and said that we would do it together. I will take your advice but should I do it when we come back from holiday or before We are not leaving until the end of August? It would be horrible for her to know that this lady is flirting with the husband and then have a good holiday with the group that is going. But then, things may deepen whilst we are on vacation? It is difficult as I have no experience as I have never been in this situation before.
2 people like this
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
31 Jul 09
I would tell her before. I ask myself "Would I want to know this?" I think I would! Just slip it in the conversation. Maybe when you are talking about this lady in general. Something like "I've really noticed that she seems to be extra flirty around your hubby. Have you noticed that?"
If you wait till later and something happens, you would feel badly. Better to warn her. Maybe she would have some way to remedy the situation, like suggest he go off on a little holiday with friends himself. Or she may choose to have someone "keep an eye" on him. How ever she decides to deal with it, at least she would not be in the dark anymore.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
23 Sep 09
I just have posted a part two. No it has gotten worse! I am so behind in giving out best responses.
@bodhisatya (2384)
• India
1 Aug 09
Hmmmmm you have made me to scratch my head.
Look I am not a wise person to comment on such a situation, as I have never been in things like this. But a lot shall depend on the husband of your friend, if the couple are truly in love still, then probably no one can break the bond. And if the guy is a lousy person ( sorry for the profanity) then anybody on the streets can woo him. You as a true friend can warn her of the situation but a lot depends on the persons involved.
Hope things turn out to be the best and no "accidents" happen.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
3 Aug 09
This is a tough one to call Bodhi. If I get the opportunity to whisper a word of caution then I will - but I will not be specific about her husband just the husbands of church members in general. Sorry to be so late in responding
1 person likes this
@skysuccess (8857)
• Singapore
1 Aug 09
cynthiann,
I'll call this a woman's intuition, which is seldom wrong.
However, in view of the lengthy marriage I feel you should be tactful in handling this than to open a Pandora Box for your friends here. I think you can subtly learn more of your friends' (both of them) opinions about this woman before you decide your next course of action. Even if you perceive that an affair is rampant, you may be wrong on the account that not all men are easily moved. I am sure no one understands more of the husband than his own wife and as a friend, you would be aware of how they are with each other.
40 years together, surely means and testifies to something about their relationship and the trust they have with each other. So, I feel you should just casually throw a caution into the wind by making them aware of your own perception of this person and if they are wise enough, I am sure they have their own way of handling this.
Take care and have a nice weekend.
@cynthiann (18612)
• Jamaica
1 Aug 09
I owuldn't say that it has been the happiest of marriages but they get along and have grnadchildren etc. I am so scared that it may backfire on me as I do value their friendship. This woman does not want to marry the man - she just wants access to his money
1 person likes this
