Who is right?

This advice is very good. I do want to point out that Pam did tell Dave that her being upset wasn't about her not trusting him. She knew he was at his mothers, and knew he would be fine. It was the fact that she felt like he did not care about her feelings is what was bothering her. You are so correct in that we need to re-think our emotions and learn how to react in a more productive matter. Thank you.

How do you feel Pam could have approached Dave so that a positive reaction could have occured. Right now she feels like she can't get anything right with Dave. She feels like her feelings are disregarded completely.

Pam feels as if she is gun shy about even bringing this topic up again. She doesn't want to be emotionally shot down again. Pam is taking the time to think before she speaks.

Being 'gun shy' is often the way that the Pams of this world feel about situations like this ... which means that the Daves win that round - and are more likely to win every round after that, doesn't it? (Probably as their father's did and very likely their grandfathers too).

Pam is going to have to do some clear thinking and homework on relationships in general and on Dave's particular background and relationship 'templates' because we all (like it or not) have templates which we use to design our relationships. We also have values that we put on relationships and rather few people put exactly the same value on a relationship as the other partner in the relationship. When you think about it, that is only logical. Each of us has a different way of thinking about how we think our lives should go and some things are more important than others (also the importance of certain things can change over time).

It is always nice to imagine that one is the most important thing in the world to one's partner but, however much they may say it, it isn't necessarily true all the time or even most of the time.

For a woman, sometimes the most important thing is to have children and raise a family. For that she needs security and, conventionally, that security is found in knowing she has a partner who is not going anywhere without her and who is going to provide for her and the family.

For a man, it may be important at a certain point to establish that he has a partner who will care for him, be a mother to his children (which is why men very often choose girls who have some of the qualities of their mothers ... and why wives very often either get on well with or cannot stand their mothers-in-law!)

Everyone is different, of course. Some girls are quite independent and don't at all expect their partners to be around all the time; some pretend that they are like this and many (most, I suspect) feel that they have made a home and a family that their partners should want to come back to at every possible opportunity. Pam is going to have to think hard about which kind she is, I suspect, and how that fits with what she wants to be and what she expects of Dave.

Dave, on the other hand, will probably not change much. What he expects of a woman is very likely modelled quite heavily on what his father (or his 'ideal' father) expected - unless he has ever told Pam any different, of course, which would indicate that he has at least thought about what a partnership is about. He has chosen Pam for certain qualities that he thought were desirable in a woman (hopefully not simply physical) and now expects her to see the courtship and agreement to live together as 'fait accomplis', so she had better knuckle down and stop belly-aching if she wants it to work!

There will probably be more incidents like the one you mention if these two can't sit down and talk through each others' expectations. Each time, Pam will feel just a little more 'gun shy' and will privately wonder each time if it's ever going to work the way she expected. Dave will be irritated but will each time feel that he was justified in thinking that Pam 'over-reacted' or 'is too controlling'. Eventually Pam may seek the 'satisfactions' that the relationship seems to lack in other areas (which may be socially acceptable or not, as the case may be). Very often this lack of communication simply leads to the breakdown of the relationship. Neither partner learns very much from this and both very often get into another very similar relationship, with predictable results!

She wasn't worried. She just wanted the respect of being notified that it wasn't going to be a short while. Why should she have to wait up for him if it was going to be so late? She could have made other plans instead of waiting on him. She wanted him to maybe be a bit more courteous. I think maybe it just common decency. What would a phone call have hurt? She often calls him when she is running late, and wants the same in return.

I am sure she probably over reacted a bit too, but he isn't speaking to her. So he is being a bit harsh too.

Yes, I completely agree that Dave is being harsh. I'd go further to say that he is being childish, pig-headed, disrespectful and uncaring, though perhaps I'm being a bit harsh here!

I agree that Dave is way more to blame in this one. I guess maybe I thought that she jumped all over his case when he arrived home and was just thinking that it could have been handled differently & especially since he had been drinking. Jumping on his case would put him on the defensive. I'm thinking now that I misunderstood that part of this story.Yes...it would have been respectful for him to call her. He should of. The silent treatment is just childish and & won't do anything to help the problem.

Pam was a bit upset. She did not yell, but expressed that she was hurt. I am sure Dave took it wrong. In which in fact I know he did.

Then I did misunderstand. She should be able to express her feelings openly and honestly in a respectful way without fearing being punished so to speak for how she feels. It is not a good situation at all. What happens in these sort of situations if it continues is that she will become suppressed and try to hold in her feelings if she senses that she will upset him and then he will do whatever he wants and treat her however he wants and she will just feel miserable. Is this an isolated incident or does it happen often?

She supresses her feelings a lot. She has never been in a relationship where she has had to do this before.

I agree there is a communication issue here. This is definitely a topic that needs to be discussed between Dave and Pam to avoid such problems in the future. This would also be a great way to determine if this is maybe something that happens every time he visits his mom. Maybe he should ask Pam to join him in visiting with his mom. That just might open up a whole new bonding avenue for all 3 parties involved.
I used to visit my mom several times a week when I lived closer to her and sometimes I would go over there intending on staying for a short time and end up gone for 3-4 hours. This was a problem between my ex-husband and I because he knew it was going to happen, he expected it to happen, he was okay with it before it happened, but as soon as I would get home the yelling would commence.
I found out later it was because he felt left out. But, with that said, he was invited to come with me every time I went so that "I felt left out" argument was lame to say the least.

I agree somewhat but if they live together as a couple they should respect each other as a married couple would.
I don't agree that a couple should get married just to be able to live together and be "politically correct". Just because you marry someone does not mean they respect you more. Sometimes it turns out that a married person will push the limits just because of the commitment to love cherish honor respect and put up with in better and worse times until death.
Sometimes the death part comes in the form of the emotional and mental rather than physical.