Beginning of Story---WARNING: Domestic Violence involved  |
| |
|  I wanted to share the beginning of the story I've just started with everyone. I'm pretty happy with it...but I know writing could always use more editing (especially mine)! lol. If you are really sensitive when it comes to domestic violence, or animals being harmed...don't read!
Sunny Saunders threw her clothes into the open suitcase. She hurried into the bathroom and grabbed her toothbrush, hairbrush and vitamins. She threw them into the suitcase haphazardly while Ben watched from the doorway. She zipped up the suitcase and dragged it off the bed.
“Come on Ben, let’s go.”
Ben stood up, wagging his tail. The large black German shepherd followed Sunny from the bed room. Sunny grabbed her keys off the kitchen table as the doorknob turned. She turned towards the door and froze.
Paul came in and smiled at Sunny. When he saw the suitcase in her hand his eyes glazed over.
“What the hell are you doing Sunny?”
Sunny took a deep breath. “I’m leaving Paul.”
“Like hell.”
“This is not up to you.”
Paul dropped his keys on the dining room table and moved towards Sunny. Ben stepped between them and growled. Paul kicked his head and the dog staggered backwards. Sunny dropped the suitcase.
“Don’t Paul!”
“Shut up!” Paul turned back to Sunny and grabbed her shoulders, throwing her backwards into the refrigerator. He grabbed her neck and dragged her face to his. “You think you’re going to leave me?”
Sunny squeezed his arm, “Paul please. Don’t.”
“Who do you think you are?” Paul growled.
Ben hurried into the kitchen and bit Paul’s leg. Paul released Sunny and swung around. “You damn mutt!” He punched down on Ben’s head; the dog cried and let go. Paul kicked the dog’s stomach.
Sunny reached forward and grabbed Paul’s shoulders, “no!” He turned around and shoved her against the fridge, then turned his attention back on the dog. He kicked the dog relentlessly, even after Ben was down.
Sunny ran to the phone and punched in 911. She cried to the operator on the other line, who tried to calm her down.
“Ma’am we have officers in the area,” the operator assured her.
Paul snatched the phone from Sunny and hung it up. He pushed her against the counter.
“The cops are coming Paul,” Sunny said before he grabbed her neck again.
“If you try to leave me, I will find you. And I will kill you. Do you understand me?”
Sunny stared at him, lips trembling. Paul ignored the pounding on the door. “Do you understand me!” He yelled into Sunny’s face.
The police forced their way into the house, guns drawn. “Let her go now!” They yelled at Paul, forming an arch behind him. Paul let her go and raised his arms, continually glaring at Sunny. Sunny pushed her way around the men as the police handcuffed Paul.
She knelt by Ben and touched his side. An officer knelt across from her and examined the dog.
“Uh, ma’am, let’s get you out of here. You should go to the hospital.”
“No.”
“Ma’am, I really think you should-”
“I said no!”
“His neck is-”
“I know!” Sunny glanced towards Paul. “Please just get him out of here,” she whispered to the cop. He nodded and stood up. Sunny reached out and grabbed the cops pant leg, he turned. “Please, can you keep him overnight?”
The cop nodded, “for sure.”
Sunny watched as they led Paul outside. She pulled Ben on to her lap, hugged his head to her chest and cried.
“I’m sorry Ben. I’m so sorry.”
CONSTRICTIVE criticism is always welcome! Let me know if something just doesn't sound right to you...or any issues you have with it. I just wrote this today and have not gone back to edit yet, so I know it is far from perfect!
Thanks!!!
| | | | | |
| |
| | Freelance Writing Jobs Freelance Writing Jobs for NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS! Up to 32$/Page! http://www.academicexperts.us/
| Writing a Book Publish, Market and Sell Your Book on Amazon.com and Other Channels. www.CreateSpace.com
| ISBN Textbooks Buy Textbooks Online. Search By ISBN To Get The Best Deals on Textbooks renttext.com
|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
|
|
1.  danishcanadian (24610)
|
2 years ago
| |  I know it's only fiction, but I hope the story ends with the guy getting his balls chopped off, because that's what he deserves.
| | | | | | |
| LilyoftheThorns (4517)
|
2 years ago
| | LOL! Well I don't get that graphic at the end...but I will say that he does get what's coming to him. He is definitely the loser at the end of this story! | | | |
| |
| Freelance Writing Jobs Freelance Writing Jobs for NATIVE ENGLISH SPEAKERS! Up to 32$/Page! http://www.academicexperts.us/ | add comment | | |
|
|
| |
| |
| LilyoftheThorns (4517)
|
2 years ago
| | Okay! I changed some of the stuff in my story, but there is one line I had that I'm not sure about...it's one you offered a great suggestion on, but I have another issue with it...
"He came in and smiled at Sunny. When he saw the suitcase in her hand his eyes glazed over."
Should I keep it like that, or should I change it to:
"He came in and smiled at Sunny, but when he saw the suitcase in her hand his eyes glazed over."
Thank you for the great help!! | | | |
| ElicBxn (24690)
|
2 years ago
| |  Yes, that's a great change.
when you are writing action, the best thing to do is to keep sentences short and "tight." but this time, you are correct, not just because you do need to vary it some, but because they are connected.
also, changing "stomach" to "ribs" because ribs is the same area, and is a shorter, one syllable word, give more "speed" to the action.
There are time when you need longer sentences and words, but not in a fight.
| | | |
| |
| writersedge (7235)
|
2 years ago
| |  Excellent, I can see why she received best response.
| | | |
| |
| |
| Writing a Book Publish, Market and Sell Your Book on Amazon.com and Other Channels. www.CreateSpace.com | add comment | | |
|
|
| 3. Thoroughrob (9552)
|
2 years ago
| |  I could totally relate to what was going on in the story. I felt like I was right there. A very touching and heart wrenching feeling it gave me.
| | | | | | |
| |
| |
| ISBN Textbooks Buy Textbooks Online. Search By ISBN To Get The Best Deals on Textbooks renttext.com | add comment | | |
|
|
| |
| |
| |
| Child Support & Custody Attorney help. Save. Low flat fee! Custody, Visitation, Support, etc. www.TheAttorneyConnection.com | add comment | | |
|
|
5.  chetanvk (181)
|
2 years ago
| |  This is really Awesome story. While reading I really felt like I am the part of the story. It is really good one. I wish Best of luck to you.
| | | | | | |
| LilyoftheThorns (4517)
|
2 years ago
| | Thank you chet! That was a big goal of mine...wanted to make it as real as possible so people would feel like it was actually happening.
| | | |
| |
| Court Approved Classes Meet All Court Requirements Here. Call For More Info: 800-641-5539 www.ParentRoad.org | add comment | | |
|
|
| 6. jennybianca (7229)
|
2 years ago
| |  As I am a recent victim of Domestic Violence, your discussioon was relevant to me.
I find it quite realistic at this stage.
It is known for Domestic Violent perpetuators to use violence against pets as well.
How many words do you intend writing in youyr story?
Where do you intend publishing it?
I am very interested in your story, so keep us in touch.
| | | | | | |
| |
| |
| Strong Kids After Divorce Worried about your children and divorce? We can help. www.divorganize.com | add comment | | |
|
|
7.  Matty316 (598)
|
2 years ago
| | The story kicks in too fast for me, although, this was quite good since i got to know the characters pretty quickly.
I would change the starting abit to get the atmosphere in the room a bit more, something to indicate what time of the day it was or how cold it was or quiet it was, i need to sense the surrounding without describing them.
I dont really have any examples, but i think if you can add this correctly it will be an instant hit starting.
| | | | | | |
| LilyoftheThorns (4517)
|
2 years ago
| | I'll have to think about what you said and see if I can come up with anything!
Did you happen to read Elic's response? I really like how they changed the beginning. They actually made it shorter lol, but I think it's fitting with the pace of the story. | | | |
| |
| Need Help With Anger? Approved Program in So. Ca. by Ph.D. Psychologist. http://www.angercoach.com | add comment | | |
|
|
| |
| |
| LilyoftheThorns (4517)
|
2 years ago
| | Lol! I just went back through and I already said he shoved her back into the fridge! I should be more familiar with my own stories! lol | | | |
| sxrxnrr45601 (726)
|
2 years ago
| |  You did say that I am so sorry! I guess thats what 54 hrs a week of work will do to you! The story is a good one! Keep up the good work!
| | | |
| |
| writersedge (7235)
|
2 years ago
| | Also good advice. slammed is another good one.
Do you have a thesauraus? | | | |
| LilyoftheThorns (4517)
|
2 years ago
| | Yeah, slammed is a good word too.
I use the documents thesauraus when I'm workign on my story or when I go back through to edit.
Thanks! | | | |
| |
| The Death of a Dream Follow Ken Brosky's attempts to publicize his short story collection. http://kenbrosky.wordpress.com | add comment | | |
|
|
9.  millertime (1128)
|
2 years ago
| |  I like it. Speaking strictly from a reader's viewpoint, it definitely had my interest from the start. You could make some minor changes, for instance, you could combine the two sentences into one, "Paul came in and smiled at Sunny but when he saw the suitcase in her hand, his eyes glazed over." Little things like that, but I found it very readable just the way it is. Your writing is very good.
| | | | | | |
| LilyoftheThorns (4517)
|
2 years ago
| | Thank you miller! I'm glad you like it!
That is a great suggestion and I'm going to go change it right now (my dad would love you for making that suggestion! lol) | | | |
| |
| Publishing Your Own Book Now Get Better Distribution, Lower Book Prices and Flexible Royalties. www.BookSurge.com | add comment | | |
|
|
10.  MsTickle (12904)
|
2 years ago
| |  I was struck by the fact that she was taking vitamins, toothbrush and hairbrush but she timed her getaway pretty badly. I would have left at a time when I would not possibly get caught.
And the kitchen scene is also contrived...the dog takes his turn, the man takes his turn and Sunny does ....what??? Nothing? Nothing much anyway...there needs to be more action in the kitchen, she is letting this guy beat up on her beloved dog and all she does is ring 911...this doesn't work for me sweety, sorry.
| | | | | | |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| Jobs in San Jose Thousands of job listings in the San Jose, CA area. www.sanjosejobsline.com | add comment | | |
|
|
| |
| |
| |
| |
