Need advice re: husband
By isabeliever
@isabeliever (164)
United States
May 20, 2008 11:36pm CST
So, my sister and her husband (both over 60) have come to visit for 3 weeks. I love it when they come because they do all kinds of repairs and stuff around our house that my husband never gets to.
For example: 2 years ago he started putting up a fence...never finished
2 years ago he gathered all the items to put in a raised garden bed, left them all over our back yard and never actually did it.
8 months ago he pulled the fronts off two of his dresser drawers and 2 of my sons dresser drawers and never 'found time' to fix them (now we can't use those drawers)
1.5 years ago he tour up our front yard removing a couple of trees and then left all the tree branches and concrete littered all over our front yard. My 16 yr. old nephew had to chop up all the big stuff for me but the really big & really small stuff is still there.
We have a long list of 'to do' items like putting together shelves in our basement, cleaning up our yard, stacking wood, etc. etc. etc.
I work on the small stuff when I can - like when I am outside with my son but I can't do all that AND take care of all the daily living stuff like laundry, lunches, cleaning etc.
So - now, he is all p-d off because my sister and her husband are tackling these items for us. He came home from work two days ago to 'have a talk' as he feel he is being 'usurped' - they are doing 'his' projects. I tried to explain that it is not unreasonable that I would want to see some of these projects completed in two years.
He is still all pissy and now my sister wants to know if he wants her to leave. She is feeling really uncomfortable with all the tension. He is also working 9-10 hrs a day so he doesn't have to see/talk to them.
The longer I see this stuff the more stressed, angry and resentful I become. One or two things would be annoying but there are just PILES of stuff that he never touches...and he always has some excuse why he can't do it.
Am I crazy? Is he being unreasonable or do I need to cut him some more slack? How much longer should I wait to see this stuff worked on? I think he should just say "thank you"!Any advice on how to handle this situation?
1 person likes this
15 responses
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
21 May 08
Your husband has big ideas and ambitions but no time to finish them. The fact that he starts them tells you that he's proud of his home and wants to improve it. When someone else finishes his work, he feels as if his efforts aren't appreciated.
You mentioned that he works a lot. If this is only during their visits then he probably feels humiliated that they are finishing what he started, can't deal with the embarrassment of facing them. If this is the norm, it's not wonder he can't finish things!
I think you need to talk with him. Tell him you appreciate how hard he works and love him for wanting to make your home beautiful. Suggest that when he wants to do something, you sit down together and plan it out in small pieces so that it doesn't overwhelm him and you can work on it together as a family. Next year, there won't be anything for your relatives to "finish" and it will be a much better visit!
Also, I'm surprised that you haven't been ordered by the city or county to clean up the yard with all the debris in it! He sure wouldn't have liked to have to pay a ticket!
Diplomacy is key here. Take care not make him feel more belittled than he does now, be sure he knows that you appreciate his efforts and want to make a plan to manage his home improvement time to give him a chance to actually finish a project. In the meantime, tell your helpers to stop what they're doing! He may be more accepting of their help after you talk with each other. Remember--talk with him, not at him.
3 people like this
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
You are right! Talk with him not at him. Sometimes, when we have talked about the same issue so many times I just feel it is a lost cause. I admit I then just decide that if he isn't going to take care of it then I will.
It is also humiliating for me to have my family arrive and see a project that was started 2 years ago (and the rest of the mess). I know they are thinking 'what kind of a man have you married'. Doesn't make me feel good either. I haven't seen my sister in two years. Much of the same mess is still in my yard from the last time she was here. It is embarrassing to me too. I know that she will now go home and tell my siblings & mother what a loser I'm married to. GREAT!
I know I shouldn't care...that is why I live on the other side of the country. But does anyone really want their family to think like that about their spouse?
@juliefaye (1214)
• Philippines
21 May 08
I can say that your husband just got mad because his ego is somewhat being stepped upon. Some men are like that, instead of being thankful that there were baggages unloaded they become unreasonable. If he doesn't want his project to be touched by somebody else, he should find time to finished it and not let it rot. If this is his attitude, the next time he started something to fix and not finished it you should ask him first before letting anyone to do it for him. In that way, there's no argument.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157563)
• United States
21 May 08
I guess asking him first might make him feel more comfortable. He is obviously a hard worker at work. You might also let him know that your family feels like this is a gift that they can give you while they visit, and that way, when he is at home, maybe you all can go do something fun together.
1 person likes this
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
You are both right. I assumed because I had been talking for weeks about the 'big list' of to do jobs I was making for my sister & husband while they visited, that he understood that they would be 'doing stuff'. He never asked to see the list so I assumed (assume= make an a$$ out of u and me)he was OK with that.
Now I realize I should have sat him down and gone over the list to see if there was anything he really didn't want them to touch.
My bad.
@GardenGerty (157563)
• United States
21 May 08
Invite him to come home and help. If it is really important to you to get this done, and I believe it is, it would be for me, then encourage your sister to stay, and tell her how much it means to you. Hubby will have to get over it, or come home and help. I am so with you on being angry about stuff. I would be too, but I am working two jobs. I would be very embarrassed for my family to come help me with all of the junk that is here. I guess all I can do is keep saying, "I am so with you." Perhaps you can tell him that he can repay them by entertaining them at someplace nice, and then his conscience cn be clear, and he can enjoy the visit. If he feels as if he is "Paying" them, then perhaps he can get over his hostility.
2 people like this
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
That is a great idea! I will suggest that to him...subtly!
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
21 May 08
I am so sorry this has become an issue in your household! My impression (and I am not an expert) is that your husband is feeling inadequate (and has in the past)! And lacks in the judgment of time management! Now the tasks that he has started are being completed but not by him, and he does not know how to be thankful, as it grates on his self-worth! Your sister & husband are the victims of this character trait! I am like them, if I do visit (for a period of time) at some-one's home, I will dig in & help them complete projects!
What I try & do is induce them to give me advice on the project, that way they feel that they are involved in the completion, and their accolades for a job "well done" remains intact. I ask questions like; "when you are putting the fronts on the drawers, are you gluing (what kind of glue) bracketing them on...or screwing them on?" If I keep them involved in the project, they don't feel usurped and inadequate.
I hope you can convince him not to start projects he cannot complete in a timely fashion!
I am so sorry for you, being in the middle of this dilemna, and wondering if you can massage his ego, by explaining to him, that with all these projects complete, you will have more family time together. I think you have to be the moderator...and juggle all emotions! All the angel powers in the world to you, my friend.
1 person likes this
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
22 May 08
This is a difficult time for you my dear friend, but I feel you have the jurisprudence to juggle all this delicately. You have some many emotions at play, some you have to massage, some you have to understand,some you just have to thank and praise! But you are in the middle....and someone has to be there for you! I do know, from reading your posts, all will end well...as you know diplomacy in this delicate matter is necessary! God Bless your sister and brother-in-law for taking the load of these tasks off you and hopefully your dear hubby will be thankful, soon, too! Rainbows to you!
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
I marked this the best answer because it feels like you really understand the complications this kind of stuff causes. I am so filled with anxiety and now so are my sister and her husband. They feel 'damned if I do and damned if I don't.'
This is what my family does - we help each other. We have all helped each other at different times build our homes, barns, fences, you name it. It is just our family dynamic.
Thanks for understanding!
1 person likes this
@mayka123 (16584)
• India
21 May 08
I think whenever your husband starts on a job at home all of you should get together and help him and encourage him to complete the job. It may be that no one is helping him and after some time he gets tired and fed up. I think if you involve your children also it will be fun for both your husband and children. Whatever old jobs are left undone encourage him to complete it with the help of the children and even you could just help whereever possible. With a person working 10 hours a day it is tiring doing housework after that. No man would like outsiders interfering in their house. It hurts their ego. You should encourage your children to start completing the undone jobs in the house with the help of your husband.
1 person likes this
@mayka123 (16584)
• India
22 May 08
Just as most women consider thier in-laws outsiders and dont like them interfering in their personal matters to men their wives brothers/sisters and thier extended families are outsiders. Agree that a four year old cannot help in putting up a fence but just being there with his father and just picking up small things and giving him in his hand may make a difference. And you could also be there in lifting small things or holding things for him. Its when we start nagging that the men get discouraged and then it becomes a kind of habit of leaving things half done. Sometimes it may be happening that you are so used to him leaving things half done that the moment he starts something new you may start criticizing him and that discourages him from completing the job. May be you may need to change your approach towards things. May be you are discouraging him in some way. I dont mean to blame you for anything but one thing I have learnt is that if you want to change the world around you you need to change yourself first. I may be wrong in my thoughts but think it over
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
22 May 08
Absolutely! I now dread the new projects he wants to take on as I wonder how long it will be before he gives up and I am left with a mess. I guess you get what you ask for (mentally).
I agree with fix yourself first. I use that idea all the time as a leader at my job...the concept just doesn't seem to be working at home. I started (our relationship) with a very positive and supportive attitude but I've been disappointed and let down so many times I now feel that I can trust him.
Thanks again for your thoughts
T
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
I agree this is an issue of ego. But I don't consider my sister and 'outsider'. Guess that is where he and I differ!
My son is almost 4 years old. Having him help doesn't help!! I try to just keep him occupied when there are outside tasks to be done. He has had several friends who have offered to 'give him a hand' to get the fence up. They can see what a problem it is because we can't let our son our to play alone, or do work in the back yard without constantly watching him...without a fence he can wander off. We also have a dog that we have to chain up because the fence isn't up yet!
Thanks for your comment. I will consider your words.
T.
@nupats (3564)
• India
22 May 08
hi isabeliver, i think this is how men r made..before marriage mom used to take care of everything so i was reckless after marriage gradually i realised that the house was in shambles..bcoz both of us were not working towards it i started rectifying my ways so i do everything he just comes home and throws his shoes and clothes around. for finding one T shirt he wud pull out all clothes frm the cupboard and never arrange them. i am in a conservative society where men are looked upon especially husbands but mine is little unfortunate. One day i hid all his innerwears and socks he kept searching got late for his work finally i went and got a new one frm the shop but did not give him his old ones...in the evening first thing he did was arranged his cupbord. i poured a glass of water on his shoes they were soaked and i told him baby has done it so he started keeping his shoes properly. i let the child drag his uniform all over the house till it became terribley dirty as it is white in colour with pen marks on it...we discarded the uniform but now he keeps it with grt care...these r different situations frm urs but the root problem is the same getting men to work at home.....it is not only the lady's job to work at home...u can try playing some small harmless game on him like maybe can hire someone frm outside and get it done on a payment one of the jobs and maybe he then realises that he can do this on his own so why make expenditures when not needed.. this might get him started.....it was very sweet of your sister and her hubby to help u out considering their age as well. but u must try to make ur husband realise that those r his jobs u shud not have asked them to do it i think.....play a small harmlss game on him so that he start thinking abt his role at home also.. i know many people will detest my ideas...but India we have a saying if u cannot take out margarine frm a bottle with a straight finger there is no harm in bending the finger to pull it out...i still hav a perfectly happy married life
1 person likes this
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
22 May 08
WOW! I love your 'husband training' methods! You should write a book. "How To Train Your Husband In 10 Easy Steps!"
Your comments made me laugh so much! But what a great idea. I'll have to remember them.
Thank you.
@nupats (3564)
• India
22 May 08
i am a little wiered and like u i also love my husband very dearly..but men also need to grow and mature... thanx abt the book suggestion but i need to work on my writing skills for that big a venture...i m happy that i could make u smile when u were stressed...dont worry all will b well..give it a shot it works..i used this negative approach many times and it is grt...all remains peaceful also bcoz it is a silent treatment...good luck ..b happy
@sedel1027 (17846)
• Cupertino, California
22 May 08
I think he should be grateful that they are doing is work. My MIL has the same problem as you do. Her husband starts jobs and doesn't usually finish them until he HAS to. They moved into a new house over a year ago and he ripped out the master bath. They were suppose to have the bathroom done in less than a year because of their loan type. Well, he didn't finish it. Instead he had a plumber and other people write letter to the loan officer saying that the majority of work was done so that they could qualify to their new loan.
@cutepenguin (6431)
• Canada
21 May 08
My husband, to a lesser extent, does this too. And his dad does this. It's very frustrating for me, and I can see how his tendency to start things and not finish them would drive you nuts!
But I can kind of see his point. In his mind, he's always intended to complete these things, and having other people step in and do them kind of steps on his territory.
Is there anyway doing these tasks can be a communal thing, where people are working on it together instead of doing it for him?
I can definitely relate to your problem, though. My husband, when he and I were first going out, had been working on a project for his mom, with his dad, in their backyard for 5 years. It was a weekend project at best, they just left the wood sitting in the shed and the thing half built in the backyard for years. One day I got fed up with this start things and never finish them attitude (because hey, my dad would have had that thing built in a day), took my own saw, started pulling out the wood, took out the ladder, and told him that I was going to 'help'. He then finished building the thing with his dad and I sat and watched. To this day, he or his dad would say they just needed a saw.
So you're not the only one this happens to. Maybe you can turn this situation around by asking your sister and brother in law to wait until the weekend when everyone can do the tasks together.
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
They are going to do that with the big fence project. The problem is that now, because he has caused such a big fuss, they feel like they should leave early because they are causing a rift between us.
I am sooooo stresssed!
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5016)
• United States
21 May 08
I wish I could offer you some advice but I kind of know how you feel if that helps. My husband is the same way and my sis
in law says his brother is also. Sometimes I think its just in certain people's brain to have trouble finishing tasks. I guess it did hurt his pride but maybe you could tell him "you're sorry" and let them finish and next time he can do it himself and that you were only thinking of him since he is working such long hours. But before he starts another project he should set a deadline. I remember my husband installing a shower here and after he started it he left it unfinished month after months. I was ready to strangle him.
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
22 May 08
I have apologized...not for the list and the help...but for not including him in the process. I absolutely agree it is a pride thing/guy thing. I am just so grateful for the help that I expected him to be too. OOPS!
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
21 May 08
I totally approve of the suggestion given by Crusaders[provided your husband is in a frame of mind to accept it.]Another thing that I wanted to tell you is---
Had the roles been reversed say, if he had been asking something specific from you for one or two years[there is no exact analogy possible and so let us take it that he wanted some favourite dish or some laborious stuff prepared by you[something you are not very keen on doing] and because he could not get it done he chooses to get things done with a sister/brother/ mother/father of his,[ and assume that this person stays with your family for an extended period of time because he loves having them and this person invades your kitchen and does things] how and what would your reaction be?
Of course I know you would say that the whole disorganized affair is an eye sore and a source of irritation for you , and he that he should control his indulgence of a palate, but think what would happen if he also had lots of specifications and norms to follow and he expected them out of you?
You can never draw equal analogies , especially in a subjective issue. The disorganized drawers and cluttered backyard and pending carpentry are not obviously in the first of his priority list.He probably would wish to do in his own time and unless it is a major inconvenience[say , if you do not set it right at once something drastic would happen]he is not worried.BTW,
DID HE PULL OUT THE DRAWERS ON HIS OWN VOLITION OR WAS IT BASED ON SOME WORDS/REQUEST OF YOURS?
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
When I am asked to do something I either do it or say when I will have it done by. For example, he asks me to find someone to take away our old carpet (they can be recycled here in the USA). I couldn't do it right away because of work and family commitments but told him I'd have it taken care of within two weeks. And I did. Do what you say and say what you do.
He was trying to get clothes out of the drawers and the fronts just fell off in his hands. I tried to fix them but that is not my area of expertise and they broke again.
Thanks for your comments. It gives me something to think about.
T.
@daniellegldn (255)
• Australia
21 May 08
Can I borry your sister and husband!Your situation sounds so much like mine,my partner works 6 days a week and 10 hour days,he has all these great ideas and things he wants to do so things get started and never finished,things get brought and just sit around,I have wood that was brought for a deck a year ago and now he has changed his mind so the wood is just sitting in the front yard,like you I have wood he has brought hope and dumped waiting to be chopped and stacked,I have lights he wanted me to buy that are sitting waiting to be installed,so much more I could rant on about but I am sure you get me.My partner would probably act the same too but I think when he had calmed down he wouldnt be so mad ...I mean someone is doing the work for you,i think its just that they dont want people to think they are lazy or not capable of doing the work.I too do as much as I can in between work and looking after 3 kids but I think I do more than my fair share and wish he would help out more and mayvbe finish some of these so called great idea's.Not sure how you feel about it but I am at my wits end like things are getting really heated in my house so I think your husband should be thankful of the help he is receiving and maybe he will think next time he starts a job and doesnt finish it.Good luck its not a nice situation and I can completely relate to you.
1 person likes this
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
22 May 08
Thank you for the words of support. We have kind of made up on this now ...thanks to so many great comments here that helped me figure out how to approach this.
I think he is coming around to the idea that less work is a good thing!
I know he definitely doesn't want to look lazy or inept...but my theory is if you don't want to look that way...then GET THE JOB DONE! He looks the way he does because he doesn't do the work.
Ah well, I love the man, just not his work ethic.
Thanks again!
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
21 May 08
I think your husband is working a really long long
day and probably is tired when he gets home. also
letting your relatives take over what he sees
as his jobs is pushing him out of the picture. You
need to cut him some slack. I can see where he
might take offense at someone else doing what he
still feels is his jobs. talk to him but gently and
see if you cannot reach a compromise with him.tell
him what you have told us. how some jobs have been
waiting a long time.
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
22 May 08
Thanks Hatley. He is working long days now that my family is here. That is not a regular occurance. He is feeling stressed about the stuff he has also not done at work...see a pattern here?
I would probably feel less upset about it all if I hadn't talked to him time and time again over the last two years. We have now come to a compromise though...thanks to so much good advice.
@sun2day (1062)
• Virgin Islands (U.S.)
21 May 08
My question to you; is do you lend him a hand when he tears things up like that. It seems like he takes on too many things at one time. I would say to him hon, let's finish one thing at a time, maybe he needs your help but wont ask. Some people are like that they would need help and would not ask. I am sure he is a good husband but needs a little guidance.
You know what I would make it my duty to asist him when I see him doing the work, so that he can sse that I have some interest in what he is doing.
I am sure you must be have the feeling that your husband is worthless and probably embarassing to see that your sister and husband have to come to your home and work like that, am sure they do not mind doing it.
You have a wonderful family despite the odds.
Try and nudge things a little and see what happens. Take it one day at a time. Best wishes.
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
Another friend suggested that to me a year ago when I was getting frustrated with the lack of progress. So I tried several tacks: "Can we make this a project that we can do together?" "Is there anything I can do to help this get done?" "What can I do to help you make time to finish this important project?".
None of it worked. I keep telling him that I think he is a great father and husband....but I just can't go on saying "your a great worker" because he has time and again proven that he is not. I can't go on living here like this. I feel like we live in a dump...a very expensive dump. I also feel like he takes no pride in ownership. We invested in this home, we should take care of it.
Thanks for the advice!!
@crusaders (36)
• Philippines
21 May 08
it will take you and your husband to see the problem AGAIN and solve it. Common to husbands are accomplishments and conquering outside as the world is the arena where we battle and must win. However, sad to say, there are husbands who are good to social roles but when arriving home are so tired and weak that the home seems to be a resting place not anymore a paradise or your and my home. Don't take it so hard, you have to find that time and request him at his free time. If he starts to give time to those carpentries and repairs, invite your kids to give him a hand,,, and finish the work together. Set something cold as he works and inspire the kids to work together as a family with fun. it will be great and everyone of you as a family could tell you all did it.
1 person likes this
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
I guess I would have more sympathy if I haven't talked to him about this about every 3 months for the last 2 years. I have offered to help, others have offered, I have taken our son out of the house so he wouldn't be distracting...but still nothing is done. I would LOVE to take care of my husband - offer him cold drinks etc. but he has to actually do some work first!
Thank you for your insight. I appreciate different points of view.
T.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
21 May 08
I can very well understand your situation , but , I can see your husband's point of view better. You may hate me for saying this and downgrade me but this is how some men view things. Let me introduce myself first of all. If a similar thing had happened , my husband would have blown his top and cooly asked me to do all ALL things with the help of my sister and her husband. He would have asked me whose house it was and whether he pokes his nose with all good intentions in their place.
He would tell me that he would not be pushed around like that in categorical terms and I dare not say a word.
In all fairness, I have to abide by what he says because he is totally self sufficient and would never impose his will on me for anything.This being the case, I cannot say a thing to him.There are areas clearly demarcated and we can do nothing about it.If something is an eye sore we have to shut our mental/physical eye to it, and just get on if we need our peace.
Moreover, you say he is also working 9/10 hours per day.Have you thought about his work pressures?
I have adopted a policy of total non interference and if there is something I dislike I will turn a blind eye to it.After all, I may have so many qualities that he puts up with. In factI do.In the broad picture ,I only want my peace of mind and harmony within the family. Sister can help you with all your projects but why should they touch his,especially when you know him?
It is a kind of disregard for his feelings .This is how he is likely to perceive this.
@isabeliever (164)
• United States
21 May 08
Thank you for your input. I appreciate your point of view. We may be dealing with cultural differences but men are men around the world!
I also work 8 hours a day and consider this to be 'our house' rather than 'his house'. My name is on the mortgage and my good credit rating (compared to his) got us a great mortgage rate.
My feeling is that we don't have the luxury to 'turn a blind eye'. This is not only our home but a major investment and we should take care of it. If he can't do that, why shouldn't I get help.
I do think you are right though that I didn't consider his feelings before I asked for help. I should have gotten him involved in making the list.
Thanks!
T.
