Honestly, How Important Is Physical Attraction In A RelationshipTo You?
By singlemommy
@singlemommy (2955)
United States
June 7, 2009 9:49am CST
I was thinking over the weekend about this. How important is physical attraction in a relationship to me. Well, I had always thought that it wasn't that important, all I want is someone who I am in love with their personality and who they are, but Friday I was posed with a question that I've never really thought that much about...
See, there is a man where I work who I know would love to go out with me and honestly, I love him to death. He has a wonderful personality and we really get along well(sometimes it may look like we don't but we are only playing around). This man wasn't at work on Friday and another man I work with was going to meet him at the bar Friday night for drink. I told him that if I could find a babysitter that I would come out and hang out with them and maybe have 1 drink(I'm not much of a drinker). This man was teasing me and saying, "I didn't know things were getting this serious between you two". I jokingly replied, "It's always been this serious". Now, a lady I work with comes into the conversation and says, "You know, he really would make you a good boyfriend. He would take good care of you and your kids. He really is a great guy". I said, "I know, but look at who we are talking about". There, I said it, that word came out.....LOOK! She answered me by saying, "Why don't you just talk to him, ask him to lose some weight and clean up a bit. I know he would do it for you, he's lost weight before". I said, "Oh, I know he's lost weight before". She said, "Just talk to him".
Now, I've always been one to say, "It doesn't matter to me what a guy looks like, I just want someone who will love me, respect me, and be there for me". Now, I know this woman is right, this man would do all those things, but what is stopping me is the physical attraction that I have for this man. I never really thought that was how I was, but obviously I am like that. I would never ask anyone to change for me though simply because I would never want anyone to ask me to change for them.
So, now that you have heard my story on how I figured out that physical attraction really means more to me in a relationship than I thought, how about you? How important is physical attraction to you, honestly?
13 people like this
51 responses
@andy77e (5156)
• United States
15 Jun 09
Physical attraction is not the most important thing, but it is a necessary thing. A wise preacher once told me, no matter how much you might have in common, or how decent that other person is, if you don't have a lump in the throat, just gotta be with that person because I love him/her and want to be with him/her.... then move on.
If you are simply not attracted to this person, regardless of reason, stop fooling around and move on. It will be better for him, and better for you. Make sure you are not playing around with his feelings when you really are not interested. Reverse the situation. If you were really interested in him, and he was just enjoying the attention, but really not interested, wouldn't that hurt? Don't do something that you'd find hurtful if the situation was reversed.
Finely, your friend gave you very awful advice. It's true you can prod someone to change who they are for a time, but that won't last. People tend to remain who they really are in the long run. You might convince him to work out and cut some weight temporally. But after he gets what he wants, and you are married, or living together, he'll go back to being who he really is because he's accomplished the goal. Then you'll be unhappy because you are with whom you thought had changed. It's a plan for disaster.
2 people like this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
10 Jun 09
Being a pessimist and not feeling beautiful, I never thought the guy I find attractive would find me attractive. so with men I either have crushes from afar Or we connect and become good friends. I find different things attractive on every man I see.So physical attraction is good but a real connection is better.Looks alone won't keep a relationship going. I think attraction is not important but it needs to be there . I think you didn't think of your friend as a mate because the connection wasn't based on attraction to start.so don't be too hard on yourself.
2 people like this
@grecychunny26 (9483)
• Philippines
9 Jun 09
But honestly we were first attracted to them by the looks, second by their brains and how they look on to their life. but we choose the brains over the looks as looks fades away. Physical attributes is the first to be noticed before saying a word. We cannot say all the men that we see that looks attracted can have a change for us for a little conversation, isn't it, I can say the looks matters in that way for us to be attracted. But we choose the brains over physical attributes honestly.
2 people like this
@eshaan (6188)
• India
7 Jun 09
hmmm very tough thing to answer....i will tell you that thoguh we may say that love matters more, and nothing to worry about physical things...but there are some images set in our mind, and before liking anyone...first of all we unknowingly see how he/she looks.....but yes, i agree with you that if i like someone, i will surely neglect if there are some negatives in him physically...its all ok.....when the heart is good...but the fact is also true, that if any ugly man comes to you and say that i love you very much....i dont think that you will accept just because he loves you...he says...atleast you should also feel like that for him...isnt it....and that feeling comes, only when the eyes approve him/her first though the points of selection differ from person to person....some are strict some are lenient in chosing....i am lenient ....
2 people like this
@dismalgrin (2604)
• United States
9 Jun 09
Physical attraction is important to EVERYONE, no matter how they may deny it or not. The thing is, everyone has a different idea of what is physically attractive to them. I recently was with a man that my family thought very ugly. I didn't find him ugly at all. And, when the jokes started to fly about him it hurt my feelings that my family couldn't see that I honestly thought he was good looking. My family doesn't think I'm very attractive either. But, I could beat myself up about it or I could say, you know what, I've dated quite a bit in my life and I think it's pretty safe to say that a lot of guys have been attracted to me. So, why do I have to feel down because of what my family think about me. So, don't feel bad that you don't find this guy 'hot' I'm sure there is a woman out there that will find him impossible to resist!
2 people like this
@fasyahime (629)
• Malaysia
9 Jun 09
very important!I'm not very happy if my partner is ugly!i prefer my man to be handsome,financial independent,wise and really dress smart!people who say he doesn't mind whether his partner is ugly,must have experienced lousy love life but not for me!having unattractive partner will give lot's pressure to my own love life especially when you hear lot's of hurtful comment from peers and your own family!i have befriend an ugly friend before and heard lot's of hurtful rumors that hurt my relationship with him!you can call me very stupid or bad girl but world never fair!i rather being lonely than had to endure lot's of rumors and bad mouth of my friend!
@tammytwo (4298)
• United States
15 Jun 09
I believe there has to be some physical attraction between two people. Now I say this knowing that not everyone is 'good' looking. If someone is attractive to you the looks can and will be overlooked really. I'm thinking you just don't really see him in that light. I don't think you are being too vain. I believe he is just a friend to you and there's nothing wrong with that. 
If there was actual attraction there you would see past his physical flaws. I know, my husband did it with me for many years. I spent many years being overweight and hating myself. He never said a word about it and never even acted as though he saw that part of me. Three years ago I had gastric bypass surgery and have lost a lot of weight and he treats me the same now as he did then. So I truly believe true love is BLIND.
If there was actual attraction there you would see past his physical flaws. I know, my husband did it with me for many years. I spent many years being overweight and hating myself. He never said a word about it and never even acted as though he saw that part of me. Three years ago I had gastric bypass surgery and have lost a lot of weight and he treats me the same now as he did then. So I truly believe true love is BLIND.
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
7 Jun 09
Hmmmmmm, well I will say that I am attracted to an attractive man. But what I think is attractive may not be what another person thinks is attractive. What I mean by this is some people want a man that is buff, with muscles and nice looking well kept hair, tall and well all things just right in size.
Me, I'm not a tall person so a tall guy is not a need for me. I don't care if a guy wears glasses in fact I've been attracted to this more. Their hair well as long as it's clean and well kept I'm okay, also if he does not have much hair it has been okay. If he has no muscles then fine, in fact I'm attracted to the geeky brainy ones, they suit me as this is me.
I want a man that I can talk to, and do things with. If he's a bit over weight then okay. I want a man that has personality, wits, some charm, that treats me like a lady. I like having doors opened for me.
To me this is their "looks". It's how they are.
I would never ask someone to change for me. When you meet someone you like them for who they are and how they do things and think. I would not want someone to ask me to change anything about me. If he does not like me as I am then he needs to find someone else, the same for me.
I have had someone that wanted to change me after we got together and that was the worse feeling in my life. I was hurt and felt let down by this person, so I would never do this to someone else.
After getting with someone and them learning to love and care for you then if they choose to lose weight, change things about them self to make them self healthier or fitter, or smarter or whatever then it has to be their decision. They need to do it for them first. A person needs to be happy with them self.
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7433)
• United States
7 Jun 09
I need to add. That as we get older in life and have been let down by another that we become more aware of the feelings another person has for us than the looks.
There is going to be things that you will not like about a person. There are going to be things that you like about them too. If the likes out weight the dislikes and you can live with the dislikes or they can change at some time then you have a winner. We will not find a person that has all that we want or even close to it.
You may be an old maid in waiting if you wait for that "mister right" and what if he really is the one right in front of you? You need to decide what you can and can not deal with.
I think if it got serious between you two then if you both did things to be healthy so you will live longer together then that would be a goal to come into play later.
1 person likes this
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
8 Jun 09
Physical attraction is only for eyewash. They are nice to look at but if they don't trigger my heart, it will not work the way I admire his looks. There must be a right chemistry to a relationship. Physical attraction is a secondary matter. I rather chose a toad with a beautiful heart then a dashing guy who is every women's heartthrob. It only adds heavy emotional baggage and is not for keeps. lol
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
7 Jun 09
IT would do u no good to try & change him to start with. people are just who they are. physical attraction shouldn't be the thing u are looking for anyway altho it is nice when they are attractive. as long as he was clean the rest shouldn't matter. no one is perfect.
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
7 Jun 09
You are right. I would never ask anyone to change for me. You are also right about how no one is perfect.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
8 Jun 09
. GRET answer. i loved it. wWAY YO GO, MUSCLES.1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
8 Jun 09
IT'S A GOOD THING u know u can't change them. I didn't learn that for a long time when i was young & believe me i learned the hard way. GOOD LUCK TO U.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20216)
• United States
7 Jun 09
You learned something important about yourself. This is just another fact about you don't feel badly about it, in fact you can blame it on Mother Nature who made humans a visual animal. This is one way he improves the species. The gentleman in question may clean up his act for you while courting, but he likely will slip right back to old habits after he gets the girl, THAT'S YOU.
1 person likes this
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
8 Jun 09
That is true. It is very easy to turn back into old habits.
@JenInTN (27514)
• United States
7 Jun 09
I all honesty.. it really does matter if you are attracted to them or not. What's handsome to you or me may not be to someone else..but you have to somewhat attracted to him to be in the relationship. I have met men that have been SO handsome on the outside and then as soon as they opened their mouth..poof..it was gone. Then I have known people not so great looking that opened their mouth and was suddenly glowing with attraction. Maybe you should give yourself some time to get to know him. Sometimes attraction is not sudden. If your not attracted after a while though...it's better to move on. It will save you alot of time and trouble.
1 person likes this
@singlemommy (2955)
• United States
8 Jun 09
Well, I have known this man for about 7 years but we have become good friends and gotten close within the last couple years. I would say that we both know eachother pretty good. But yeah, I will give it time and see what happens.
@loveykoh (72)
• Philippines
8 Jun 09
for me physical attraction only adds spice to a relationship. if we love the person we are with we always wanted to look our best. people in love have that certain glow which comes out naturally especially if they're together. also i believe that when you're in love with someone you don't see the physical flaws that others may see in him. it's much better if a person would like to improve himself on his own not because of someone else.
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
8 Jun 09
Physical attraction is very important to me but I have learned that it does not have to totally come from looks either. I am attracted to them by the way they carry themselves too. I am a good example of not being physically attracted to a person but became friends first and attraction came afterwards and I am happily married to them now and very attracted.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
8 Jun 09
I know how you feel. I actually thought too that physical attraction isn't important, but now that I've come a long way up to the teenage and ideals years, I've come to realize that physical attraction does form part of a relationship. I'm not saying that I won't date anyone who doesn't look like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, I'm just saying that I don't think I could date anyone whom I don't find a bit attracted to.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
8 Jun 09
Actually,personality can make me feel physically attracted to a man who would otherwise be considered not so attractive. Likewise, i've dated some really "hot" looking guys that within hours...sometimes mins. ....have turned me off so that I find myself wondering what the heck i saw in them to begin with. Hygene is important to me and mainly because it says a lot about the person. One thing you mentioned was that your friend told you that he'd "clean up" for you. I don't mind some dirt and sweat from working but that is entirely different from the stench and grime from a person that doesn't shower regular, etc. To me, it says something about that person. If they don't care enough about themselves to take care of themselves then they are going to be limited in how much they can really care for anyone else. I don't want someone to "clean up" for me if they can't even do it for themselves.
@celticeagle (158739)
• Boise, Idaho
8 Jun 09
You get to know yourself better as you go through life. I think physical attraction just has to be there or the relationship doesn't go very far. Friendship is important but if the physical isn't there it just go much past friendship. Even in a one nighter you have to atleast be attracted to the guy. I mean that is pretty much to the point but it just happens that way. Men and women are made that way.
1 person likes this
@ranviruchauhan (1407)
• India
8 Jun 09
Hi singlemommy,
Its really nice and big description.Some people are concerned about physical attraction even if they love opposite person, they never compromise on this.
According to me Physical attraction is just like material in showroom.It is very much necessary for someone to start relation with unknown person but not in all case.
But if you are in love with some characteristics of a person then it is minor for us. Person's nature is diamond for us if you like that very much. Physical attractiveness is not going to stay for a long but his good loving nature can...
So i would love to give nature more preference than physcial attraction.
1 person likes this
@fheroan (615)
• Philippines
8 Jun 09
well, you know looking in the personality of a person is really good, but you must also consider how he looks..what if he's untidy in things in his home..when your together already..you'll have a hard time..so consider 40% of the physical then the 60% on the personality
1 person likes this
