Why do parents pretend schools to fix their problems?

@ronaldinu (12422)
Malta
February 24, 2010 1:36am CST
Why do parents pretend that schools, teachers, counsellors and social workers find a solution for their problems, when they fail to deal with their own children problems? I have been informed of a heart breaking case, of a battered mother by her own 13 year old son. Her relatives have talked to me to seek advice how they can help her. Her relatives told me that each time the aggression is getting more serious and last time had a really bruised back. This woman has three kids. A 18 year old, a 15 year old and a 13 year old. The middle son loves his mother a lot and tries to protect her as much as he can. However she is not treated right by her eldest and youngest son. Her youngest son is the most violent. When she went counselling, they told her that her nagging is triggering such behaviour and she needs to accept such situation. She is married but from what I have learned is that her marriage is not functioning. Everyone is leading his own life and she has no support from him. I have not gone deep in this case and I tried not to poke my nose but advised their relatives to seek help from a local social agency who deals with such cases. I never tolerate someone to raise his or her hands on anybody. Thus I told her relatives that after receiving medical help, a police report should be filed in such case. The mother is reluctant to report her own child because he can be sent to jail. Her relatives were disappointed that they did not receive much support from the school counsellor. They told me that despite the school counsellor have talked to the son, things have remained the same at home. I told them that the school counsellor besides talking with the son involved cannot do much else. Why do parents pretend schools to fix their problems?
3 people like this
20 responses
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
24 Feb 10
It seems as though child-parent abuse is on the rise. Is this happening in the US? The counselor made a terribly bad call there. This is a very dangerous situation for the mother, and putting the blame on her for the abuse is just absolutely twisted. That counselor who provided that advice needs to be avoided, they are no help. The kid could end up killing his mother, and what about anyone else that child comes in contact with? Is he bullying others in school and his neighborhood?
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
24 Feb 10
Not in US but Malta. I was shocked that it s not a case of a husband battering a wife but a 13year old son. Not that I approve that hsubands raise their finger on thier wife.
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
24 Feb 10
The same problems that you have in US exist even in Malta, perhaps on a smaller scale but yes we do still have social problems. Wish we were immune but we cannot live in a cocoon.
• United States
24 Feb 10
It is shocking but unfortunately it happens. I thought Malta was more conservative than the US. I am very shocked to hear it is Malta.
1 person likes this
@writersedge (22563)
• United States
24 Feb 10
#1, This did not just start happening yesterday, it should have been taken care of immediately when it first happened. By the time a child is a pre-teen and esp. a teen, a child should have more respect for a parent than to be beating that parent. Something should have been done the very first time the child touched anyone in anger, time out, loss of toys or priveledges, whatever. #2, A man that does not support his wife should not have children. If they couldn't take care of these kids with two parents making them behave, they should have given them up for a doption or placed each one with a relative. Most people have only one parent raising them and they aren't beating that parent. They're thankful they have one parent. #3, Talking to a child that flies into a rage and beats his Mother at home, when the child is at school, like there is going to be any transferance. I can tell you what will happen. It will escalate until one of them kills the Mother, and then the kid will go to prison, not jail. Maybe they will both gang up on the Mother and kill her. Then they both go to prison. Someone needs to help that family out. Her relatives need to protect her from the explosively angry children, and they need to all go to counseling. If her marriage is no good anyway, then she should have moved back in with her family. They should protect her. But this should have been done long before now. Now you need to have the police involved and no one wants to do that. If any child of mine beat me, I have three brothers, they would down the kid, drag him to a chair and make him sit there for me, regardless of the size or strength of the kid. But hopefully, I wouldn't have ever let it get that far. Hopefully they would have respect for me. My Dad didn't preach respect for my Mom and I think my brothers respected her less than they should have, but there is no way they would have ever hit her. My brothers would get angry and upset a lot, but they would hit walls. My Dad came home and made them fix the walls. Eventually, they learned how to deal with their anger more appropriately. These kids probably blame their Mother for their Father not having much to do with them or any other problems -real or imaginary- that they have, plus anger, plus who knows what else is going on. My brothers were abused by classmates. So they need to find out why they're like that.
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
24 Feb 10
very deep thoughts, with whom i share a lot in common i really hope that this person in question seeks help
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (156324)
• United States
25 Feb 10
The schools can only be concerned with his behavior while he is at school. If the mother is not filing charges on her abusers she is enabling them. She is letting them get away with hurting her. Schools do have students for a large part of the day, but schools are responsible for education, they are not social service agencies. I guess if the school sees the abuse they can file a police report.
1 person likes this
@hellcowboy (7374)
• United States
26 Mar 10
This is a good discussion and I know how sad it is that some parents do not want to deal with their kids so they send them to schools or teachers and other people and pretend that it is gonna automatically fix the problems,and I know when me and my wife have kids we will teach them right from wrong,and we will not try to put them off on other people,and my mother is a nanny for a woman who does not take care of her children,and she would rather pretend to run errands then deal with her own children and I do not like the woman or her husband,and I think a lot of rich people are snobs like that,and my mother would quit if it was not for the sake of the children especially since one of them has downs.
@nanajanet (4436)
• United States
24 Feb 10
Being a teacher for 37 years, I feel your pain. Mine is different as I may teach the same child from age 3 to adulthood, so I become more of their life than most school teachers. The problem starts with training the parents HOW to parent and I think that doing some school training in parenting will be a start. School is supposed to teach students not only the subjects that they need to have a career but should teach some life skills. Should it be done by parents? Yes, but many parents fall short because they were parented badly and the only way to stop the pattern of poor parenting is to intervene and teach these skills and not just in one school year, but a gradual, learning process. Parent do not pretend that schools can fix their problems but are reaching out in desperation for help. That is why shows like The Super Nanny and Nanny 911 are becoming so popular. Families dynamics have changed and the old-fashioned family rarely exists.
1 person likes this
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
24 Feb 10
I wholeheartedly agree with your thoughts, some families are not functioning at all and schooling is the only source of putting them back on track. I am sure that a lot of students have passed under you have benefited through out their life.
@pandaeyes (2065)
24 Feb 10
This son needs to face consequences and the school is not looking at it in that way. They see a teenage boy being nagged by his mother but they don't see a young man who cannot control his aggression. This lad needs to face punishment every time he hurts her. The woman herself needs to think of some ways to retaliate. It may be by reporting him to the police or by removing herself from the home if she has no other leverage but doing nothing herself is not the answer. She must think of ways for her distress to be noticed by her husband too and that may be the leaving of the home by her until the situation is safe to return. The husband sounds like he isn't concerned as long as it doesn't directly affect him. If they do not contain his aggression while he is still young, they will have a wife batterer and maybe even a murder to contend with later on in his life.
1 person likes this
@missybal (4490)
• United States
25 Feb 10
If the 18 year old is hitting her and actually putting marks on her then she needs to call the police. If her husband doesn't like it see needs to leave him and take the one son with her that cares about her as they both should not be putting up with the abuse. But of course you and the school can't do anything about it. The trouble started long ago and the choice must be hers to walk away. I guess they are just grasping for any help they can get and sometimes if you can do nothing more that talk and involve a bunch of people in the problem at hand you feel that at least you are doing something even know you won't get your desired outcome.
• United States
25 Feb 10
Sadly they are not pretending. For some reason some parents Believe that all they have to do is drop off their child at school and they will be taught Everythin at school. Wrong. A child Should be taught both at home and at school. Here in the States unless it is a religious school , religion can't be taught at school. There are so many things schools can't teach. As for this case, that mom should take her middle son and go live with her relatives. It is only going to get worse. If the husband can't or won't protect her , she shoud leave before one of her sons kills her.
@pergammano (7682)
• Canada
25 Feb 10
ronaldinu...I truly believe it takes a community to raise a child! Oft times there are issues in the school that a Parent(s) are not aware of ..or vice-versa, so I think it takes any/all persons to work in concert for the best results! And they must be faced head on, before it accelerates out of hand! Each and all here are obligated for the welfare of all...if need be, a mediator brought in! Take care.
@kun2349 (23381)
• Singapore
2 Mar 10
Well well, school is supposed to be about discipline.. And values, morals are supposed to be taught by the teachers in school, but never the parents.. BUt most parents always forget the fact that, responsibility lies in themselves, to correct whatever wrong their kids have learnt or absorbed.. MOst parents will use the excuse of being busy, thus neglecting the kids, and expecting the school to do the job of educating on behalf of parents?? BUt to kids, teachers will always be teachers, they will never become their parents, and this is one thing, a kid is very sure of..
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 Feb 10
Sometimes parents need help and advice from schools, counselors, etc. But ultimately they need to make the choices that are right for their children. Nobody can do that for them.
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
24 Feb 10
Hi ronaldinu~ This is a very serious situation! People think that parents are the only abusers and it isn't always the case as in this particular situation! Children can be the abusers too! Many years ago when my Godchild was around the same age as this boy, about 13 he was starting to get violent with his mother! He would get physical with her by pushing her and he almost knocked a huge piece of furniture over on her! I saw him in action one time and told her I was scared for her because he was a rather large and strong child with an anger issue! She ended up divorcing and he stayed with his father. There is alot more to the story, but the point is that these situations do occur and the schools have absolutely nothing that they can do! It is very difficult for a parent, especially a Mother to report her child for abusing her! It is embarrassing to her and she is afraid of what will happen to her child! But, if she doesn't something, as in this situation that you have described, something may end up happening to her! A 13 year old boy is very strong and could really hurt her!
• Philippines
24 Feb 10
That also a common scenario in my place lot of activities involving children and other issues need to be delegated by the class adviser, guidance counselor then it all things never work out when a child is in trouble of getting self to explain their side then it is the in the role of being parents or guardian comes to resolve all the conflict.Not all the times the schools authority could solve it that is why parents are invited by the school authority then it is up for those parties involve to arrive at a negotiation which could bring lot of benefit to the children and not just a matter of punishment.
• United States
24 Feb 10
You have a really good point, and I have seen that so many times, that son is violent with her because she hasn't show him that his behaviors have consequences all the time, and that is exactly what is happening, she can't get any help because she doesn't want to report her own son, because of fear of him going to jail, well I think the boy deserve to be in jail, or in some kind of anger management problems. But the first step has to come from the mother, without her reporting him, social workers and counselors can't make miracles. We cannot expect teachers, social workers, counselors do the work that we have to do as parents, they can help us to go through some issues and give us guidance, but ultimately is our responsibility.
@ShepherdSpy (8544)
• Omagh, Northern Ireland
24 Feb 10
If this kid was to assault a Teacher,the School and the authorities might take more of an interest in the case. As it's seen as a domestic issue and no charges are being pressed,there's not much that can be done.The Kid's aggressive attitude towards his Mother is not perceived as a school problem until He starts to act out on his schoolmates.Until then,if the Mother is prepared to suffer in relative silence (Can't her family give the Kid a talking to if they're so concerned?) this situation will continue until somebody can't take it any more..
@bdugas (3578)
• United States
24 Feb 10
Don't know about any where else but if the school counsellors here talk with a child and find them to be violent, they make a police report and call children's services. Maybe if the counsellors, knew what was happening they could get help for the mother, I think when a mother is in that perdicterment, she hate to see her child go to jail and hopes that some one in attoriety can speak to the child and make a difference. Where I had to rely on the school to help me and battle my daughter when she turned 14, my daughter now has a daugher that when she starts, she calls the police. Twice they have taken my grand daughter out of the house because of violance. You are right not much they can do but talk to the child. Where is the father in all this mess, my opinion, when a child is taken out of the house, both parents should be called into court to see what is going on in the house to cause this. used to be you put your hands on me you get the shi*t knocked out of you, now a days the state has allowed these kids to pretty much do what they want. My grand daughter's problem was that her father is not in the home, and she goes to his house every other weekend and still gets no attention from him. The school here sees the change in the attatude of the child and tries to find out what is causing it. To me in school the counselors was kind of like the cops once you got sent there you knew you was in trouble. What has happen that a child can raise his hand to you and you have to stand there and take it. When the state stepped in and said you can not correct your kids this is when the trouble started. The mother is not doing her child any favors by not calling the police and having something done with him, it will only get worse.
@p1kef1sh (45681)
24 Feb 10
I agree entirely. Parents seem to absolve themselves of more and more responsibility when it comes to their children. We indulge them far too much and seem to be afraid of saying "No"! The case that you outline is very sad, but I don't see how the school can do more than it has. Ultimately the child needs to learn the error of his ways - if that means locking him up then so be it. His family need to act first and involve the appropriate authorities.
@syankee525 (6261)
• United States
24 Feb 10
well the dad needs to get invovle. but if he's not around she need to seek help somewhere easle. for them to tell her she is causing his behavoir they are jerks. and if she still cant get help then she needs to call the cops on his butt and have him lock up for awhile and teach him she isnt putting up with this. if my kids ever raised there hands to my wife in anger, yeah they are going to get knock out, my son made that mistake once, just once slapping me he went flying
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
24 Feb 10
I think that this is human nature at it's worst. I think our society is prepping us to act on our basest of characteristics. It sets us up to be selfish and lazy. We can sue when we don't like something. We are told by society that everything should be perfect and safe in our lives and when we don't like what is happening to us, it can be blamed on someone else. Integrity, hard-work, and personal responsibility are no longer stressed anywhere in society anymore. It's all about "getting the most by doing the least"! There..... I've had my rant for the day and I feel better now..... LOL I commend you for having to deal with such attitudes and behaviours!
• India
24 Feb 10
ya actually they are parents pretend that schools,battered mother by her own 13 year old son .