Too close to home...

@dawnald (85129)
Shingle Springs, California
February 4, 2011 10:55am CST
The other day I heard there was a shooting at a school in Placerville. For those of you not familiar with the area, Placerville is the county seat of El Dorado county, where I live, and only about 20 minutes from my home. Later it came out that the principal at that school had been shot and killed by the school janitor who was also a personal friend of his. This morning I read this in the paper: http://www.sacbee.com/2011/02/04/3376745/shooting-suspect-wasnt-being-fired.html It really struck a nerve. This man heard the news that a night janitor was being hired, jumped to the wrong conclusion and thought he was being fired, lost his temper, went, got a gun and shot the man he believed was responsible. That's what can happen when people don't learn how to control their anger, when people assume the worst, when people don't trust, when people don't get all the facts. Now when I said "too close to home", I didn't mean because Placerville is in the same county as I am, close geographically. I meant my personal home life. See the straw that broke the camel's back in my marriage was R's uncontrolled anger. When he got angry he didn't trust me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt, jumped to the wrong conclusion, and got loud and scary (and occasionally a little physical). Now I don't think he's going to go off and get a gun and shoot anybody, but I just don't want to be around somebody who is so into himself when he is angry that he doesn't care what he says or who he hurts, in fact can't even see that what he is doing is hurtful. I don't want to be around somebody who can look me in the eye and say that his anger is my fault, that he doesn't need help, that if I just change it will fix everything. I'm not perfect folks. I'm controlling and sarcastic and lazy and uncommunicative and many other things. But I am not responsible for his temper tantrums. If he doesn't understand why I'm scared of his temper and the kids are scared of his temper, perhaps he can read something into this news article. On the other hand, if he were capable of that, perhaps we would never have come to this.
4 people like this
21 responses
• United States
4 Feb 11
Time to go. " A little physical" That is a little Too much. Go , get a lawyer and a restaining order! Better safe than sorry.If he has a temper, then all of this will bring it out and I fear the worse. As for me, I have a temper but it's wrath is aimed at the correct person abd no innocents are involved. Unlike this a$$hole I wait and get all the facts. I seem to think better when I am angry than any other time! I sit plot and wait. And Only when I see my prey do I strike. I wish I had this on a t-shirt Warning I go from nice to b!tch in 6 seconds.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
A little physical a fairly long time ago. It has stopped or I would be out of the house. There's nothing wrong with anger. It's all in how you express it.
2 people like this
• United States
4 Feb 11
I must have been a gangster in a previous life. My first reaction is for revenge. But Now I se sometines the best revenge is to do nothing. Let them rot , forget they exist. But whatever I do , Has to be well planned. In other words it would be 1st degree murder , not just manslaughter.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
2 people like this
@rosegardens (3034)
• United States
4 Feb 11
Dawnald, if he can get that delusional it is possible........... Be careful sweety.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
Yesm...
• United States
4 Feb 11
Thank you!
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42602)
• United States
5 Feb 11
That was nto good for you and kids with him that angry. If he had hityou and police were called they would have sent him to anger managment classes. and sounds like he needs to go anyhow
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42602)
• United States
5 Feb 11
well readint this I dont think you missed anything glad to hear from you. blessingsssssssss
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Feb 11
Hi Lakota, :) Dawns don't get hit, to the best of my knowledge, Dawns don't like having arguments escalated. Dawns do like consideration and understanding. Maybe Dawn will fill us in on the rest, Yes, I think 'R' needs counseling, he also needed typing and reading classes. what he could have learned if only he could communicate with his most awesome and intelligent wife, (ex-wife). Dawn's don't stay in bad relationships. Dawn will gladly correct me if I missed anything. Peace and Blessings, Gary
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Feb 11
No hitting. But he could definitely use some lessons in anger management. Also, in where the blame for his behavior really lies.
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
4 Feb 11
I can well understand the danger you are in living under one roof with a man who can suddenly turn lunatic when angry. I would have left long time ago if I am in your shoes.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
I don't believe it it quite as bad as all that or I would have left too....
1 person likes this
@marguicha (212900)
• Chile
5 Feb 11
In this part of the world there would be one person sleeping better if R went away from your life. Noone knows what another human being might do if he is not capable of controlling himself. So he gets angry, he scarwes the kids ( and scares you), he is not reasonable, he is in denial as to the end of the marriage... Go get a lawyer and stay away from him
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Feb 11
One more little step. I have to fill out a bunch of paperwork now. But between sick cats, kids, me, etc., things are going to take longer than I would like...
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Feb 11
He signed! :D
@marguicha (212900)
• Chile
7 Feb 11
So we are on the right track finally?
1 person likes this
@much2say (53227)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Feb 11
Eek. That sounds scary. That sounds like my dad. We all "feared" my hot tempered dad (me, my sis, and mom). When my dad got angry, he would lash out (he was always so verbally abusive) - then stomp around, slam doors, drive dangerously with us IN the car . . . and then he would give the silent treatment for a week. My mom was quiet and mousy, so that didn't help (us) with anything. It wasn't until my early teen years that my dad got physical on me . . . and in my opinion, over stupid things, and he misunderstood me (his English wasn't so great). My mom rarely stood up to him, so I never felt "defended". My mom told me later in life that she wanted to do something during that time he was punching me . . . and I told her "but you didn't". My grandma told my mom she was surprised anyone would ever marry him because he was always such a hot head. Anyway, sorry Dawn. I see a better picture of what the divorce is about - and I don't blame you for wanting "out".
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
I haven't always stood up for the kids as much as I've wanted to, but I can at least say I've stood up for them....
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
Yeah or plan B, C, D....
@much2say (53227)
• Los Angeles, California
4 Feb 11
AND you're doing something about it all . . . R, sign those damn papers already!
1 person likes this
• United States
5 Feb 11
You are right way to close to home, the thing is that you are very communicative of course it is written and not so much verbal, kind of like me??? Well not really, I love to talk, I love to have discussions and beat the bush until the roots bleed. I like to look at all sides of an issue. But then again, if you know me, then you know this because it is me all through and through. What has become my favorite subject? Science, Politics and Religion the three things that don't mix well together. What a cocktail??? Need some poison?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Feb 11
Right now, a nice hot bath would be great. And some of Paul McCartney's money...
@BarBaraPrz (44891)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
4 Feb 11
"There's nothing wrong with you. It's all an act to make my life miserable." Yeah, right.
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (44891)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
4 Feb 11
And those pills? Pure sugar...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
Yeah that's it. It's a plot. I secretly like seeing the explosions!
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (28719)
• United States
4 Feb 11
Very scary situation. So.. he's willing to go to couple's counceling, but not anger management therapy? That doesn't seem to make sense. Sometimes I think my hubby needs anger management therapy too.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
Well he was really just paying the couples counseling lip service, waiting for her to tell me it was all my fault, and getting madder and madder when she didn't. And he had every reason in the world why he didn't need anger mgmt.
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
If we only knew why...
• United States
4 Feb 11
Aha.. so no E for Effort here. It's truly unfortunate. He doesn't even see what he's done or that he could have changed it and he'd be exactly where he wants to be. Why are men like that?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (156067)
• Boise, Idaho
5 Feb 11
Your husband sounds like my ex. He would contrive some idiocy in his mind and, not trusting me, he would begin this loud tirade about it. Uncontrolled anger, yelling and screaming with reddened face and spital hanging. Always our fault too. Their demented ideas are our fault. And your husband twists the reasons for your daughter's stress and makes that your fault too. How lovely. And then finds every excuse not to sign papers that would releace all three of you!
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Feb 11
"contrive some idiocy" - exactly! Eventually he'd calm down and we'd straighten it out and he'd admit that he jumped to the wrong conclusion, but how long can a person put up with that sort of treatment? PS He signed...
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (156067)
• Boise, Idaho
8 Feb 11
Wow! So he signed. Congrats! How great is that. People never cease to amaze me.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
8 Feb 11
The healthiest way to go would be for both parties to own and be responsible for their own faults but it is not a perfect world and unfortunately a lot of people, especially the ones of the male variety are not in touch with themselves at all and will not acknowledge their responsibilities in the break up. Anger can be scary when it comes from someone who has a problem with it. An old ex of mine was like that, he could be very sweet but he had this dark side hiding behind his charisma and it didn’t take me long to experience it firsthand. People like that need professional help and probably will not change until they acknowledge this fact. Hope R will get some insight one day…
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Feb 11
He's a weird one. He has insight one minute, and the next "poof" it's gone....
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (98119)
• India
5 Feb 11
Dawny - Whatever little I understood about you, you are a very practical, congenial, and normal person. So I will not have a shred of doubt about R's behavior and your decision. As to R - I cant see one logical reason why he should be getting angry with you or kids. May be he is having some health problems. Blood pressure? I get really angry, and frustrated dawny. But I dont go around beating up people. But I do use words to hurt. I did, however, get physical when I was scratched or troubled when I was younger. :)
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Feb 11
No blood pressure, just feeling unloved.
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
9 Feb 11
There is actually an underlying reality about the article. With the current state of the economy, people are really protective about their jobs. Controlling anger is something I am worried of. I lose my temper sometimes that I say hurtful things. With young kids around, I don't like my sons to follow what I say or do. I am worried that they might not be able to control their angers too. So much that they might grow up like the person you described. I don't want that.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Feb 11
I get sarcastic and defensive, but I rarely get out of control. People who do scare me.
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
9 Feb 11
Not only are people defensive about their jobs, but some men seem to base their whole sense of worth around their work.
• United States
4 Feb 11
It's time to get him packing, you shouldn't have to put up with his temper rages let alone physical ones. No one should has the right to lay a hand on you or your children, it's time for him to go, it's not worth risking your life or your kids. Unfortunately, that is becoming very common, I have noticed that people are a bit more edgy than before, every day in the news you hear something about people getting hurt or killed over other people's temper. I don't know what this world is coming to, that a persons life or health is worth nothing. I mean I'm not perfect, I have my temper and sometimes I even have to try and keep my mouth shut, which tends to get a bit difficult especially when I am angry, but I would never go as far as to try and hurt anyone, not physially at least. My worst fear is that my children and are going to be growing up in this enviornment because it's everywhere, children are even killing each other for non-sense. It is so scary, my stomach gets in knots just thinking about it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
Hasn't been anything physical in a long, long time. I believe he has gotten that message, or I wouldn't still be here. but I'm hopefully getting that agreement signed tonight and then we can start moving forward...
• United States
4 Feb 11
I wish you the best of luck!!!
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (156229)
• United States
4 Feb 11
"You have to own a problem before you can fix it." Dr. Phil. It has been obvious the whole time you have been working on this problem that R does not own it. So he is not contributing to fixing it, either. Dawn, we are all pushing you, in our own sweet ways.
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
I like that! It's funny too, because sometimes R tells me how proud I am at the work I have done at changing, yet he doesn't think he needs to change anything. I guess that's indicative of the problem...
@ElicBxn (63187)
• United States
4 Feb 11
sadly, that's part of that Biblical story about the mote in the friend's eye and log in their own
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
I had to look that one up. lol
1 person likes this
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
4 Feb 11
They do have anger management classes for those who have enough guts to stand up and say I need help....obviously that is not the case at your house....and that is sad! I know what it's like to live with someone that is angry....uncontrolable...but I finally stood up to him... He was physical not to me as much as he was to the kids...I actually knocked him out once when he was going to beat our two year old with a belt because she had wet her pants....as he came down the hallway ripping off his belt I met him half way and with both hands together I downed him....dropped him right in his tracks...even that didn't stop him as later he did other things to the kids....I left before anyone really got hurt!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
Guts, denial, whatever, he doesn't think he needs it...
@p1kef1sh (45681)
4 Feb 11
I guess that this is one of those situations where only you can tell what's safe and what is not. I do thik that yoiu need to keep your wits about you and have an escape route planned. Loud and scary is one thing, physical another. I don\'t like violence of any kind and within a marriage it is entirely unacceptable. Just be prepared - like a good boy (girl) scout.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
There's been nothing physical for a long, long time, but it's in the back of my mind...
@bunnybon7 (50975)
• Holiday, Florida
4 Feb 11
that is just scarey girl. please think about how you can get him out. because maybe i just read to much true crime or something but i couldnt tell you how many times people have went off the deep end like that and killed their whole family. id sleep with one eye open some dont even give an indication. like that Lisk guy. sorry, im getting carried away. im like that at times. but im concerned.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
4 Feb 11
I'm thinking about it...
• United States
5 Feb 11
Anger issues are ten times worse than physical abuse as the hurt from any physical touch can heal where as the hurt from emotional anger can linger eternally. I do know how this is as my ex-husband was the same, sadly I did not exhaust for many years later, however glad the entire drama ended for me and it will some day for you.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
5 Feb 11
Yeah and he just has no clue...