My evil twin likes this but...

You didn't put her in the middle. R may think so but you didn't put her up to say Anything. believe it or not , she may be relieved when she hears the news. Whatever feelings she has for R He has created it! All you can do is make sure she knows she Can and Should love her dad. But Like you said. She knows Bullsh!t when sh hears it. But then again Ms.D has always been like that.Every post about her here has shown it! So don't beat yourself up for enjoying Ms D run to your defense.

Because you were in your mind saying YES and not outwardly encouraging it, I would not exactly say you did anything to bring or egg it on. Kid/Teens are pretty smart and they know more of what is going on then we think. Though my ex-husband did not deserve absolutely no praise what so ever, I personally never said a negative thing about him. I allowed my children to see and feel what was before them. Sadly he killed his own rep by never looking back after the divorce. As much as it killed me to not say anything bad about him they saw exactly what was before them. So with all this said, basically she is picking up on what she is seeing, you can talk to her and remind her that though she has the right to be upset, he is still her father and perhaps to respect, (this still does not mean she cannot express her feelings), just that maybe that you encourage respect. Dawn she and all the kids will see right from wrong eventually.

From what I've gathered.. he's a half way decent person and a decent dad.. so you want the kids to keep a good relationship with him. If he keeps picking at you and making the kids defend you, they're going to resent him and once you're split and the kids are going back and forth.. they're not going to want to be with him, they're going to choose to stay with you. In a divorce you can never really bad mouth the other parent and force the child to choose sides. So what he's doing may eventually wind up biting him in the butt. I think you should talk to him and let him see what's going on.

WOuld you have said something to him if she hadn't? I feel that if you don't defend yourself and she is around she will chime in. You have made her out to be a caring and thoughtful child and she is showing that here. And, maybe, she is feeling alittle of that evil twin herself. It can't be all roses around there with this sneaky divorce you guys have been hatching.

Like I said in your other discussion, I think by being the grown up parent, the kids will see/learn from you and have higher respect for you. I have no doubt Dearra picks up on a lot of things - kids can sense things more than we think - and they're going to feel what they feel no matter what you tell them. Dearra is just being Dearra - she stands up for what she feels is right and isn't afraid to express it - that's pretty cool, eh? Well, maybe one on one, tell her she needs to show some respect as R is still dad (note: I only said some - ha ha) - but that she can always talk to you about what's on her mind - so she can release the Dearra in her - hee hee!

I think kids are wiser to most situations then we give them credit for. I'm sure she knows things are not quite right. She just hasn't said much. But you might want to talk to her. Just to see what her thoughts and feels were about the situation. This may clear things up for you and her. Best Wishes!

I know what you mean. I've had my son do that a couple of times....and inside I've been very glad especially when just a few months before that I had felt he was distancing himself from me. Then I also knew that he is still a child and shouldn't be the one taking sides or standing up for me. I had a talk with him and explained this to him....that he shouldn't be taking sides and no matter what he couldn't butt in when something happened between his dad and me. That was for us to handle ourselves...we could talk about it later if that's what he wanted...but he shouldn't be speaking when one of us said something to each other.

You sometimes post the most challenging questions. Is it possible you could take her off to the side and just say something like "I get it that he should not treat me this way, and I can see you get it too, but it is not really respectful to get on his case, as much as you feel like he deserves it. I am not going to let him get away with treating me badly."? I think she needs to know that you appreciate her perception, but she needs to be respectful anyway.

I warned ya that girl was on to you... I think she resents that R treats you that way, but I do think you need to sit down with her and tell her that while you appreciate that she's trying to help, it really is between the two of you - and while you wish he wouldn't do that in front of her or the twins, that she should let you settle it.

Good for her defending you....although I understand what you are saying. But she is old enough to figure things out for herself..and maybe sometimes she feels a sense of irritation towards him due to something he says or does to her....It's tough but when they get older sometimes you have to step back..

You and your live in ex should sit down and talk like adults. Good luck with that. Its totaly WRONG to be acting that way in front of the kids. And the kids taking sides. Im sure you know this. Thats why i wish you luck trying to get your ex to inderstand that.

Hey dawny~ This is such a difficult situation, as it is. I used to always defend my Mom too. I had to defend her against my father and then against her father. It wasn't a pleasant situation ever, but at the time my Mom wasn't able to deal with everything that was going on. I know that every situation is different, but I think you need to just let Dearra pick the battles she onces to get into and defend whomever at that particular time. It is going to a difficult struggle for the kids and they will waiver between both parents. There will be no set "rules" or easy fixes as to their reactions towards either one of you. That is the crap that comes with separations and divorces.

Dawny - you are a gem of a mother, wanting to fight your own battles. R is wrong of course. As I look at it, my blond niece is standing up against wrong, which is commendable. Having said that, it should not become a habit, which would not be appreciated outside. So, I would if I were her mom that is, take her aside and tell her, well that was sweet of you, but why did you do it? If she says - werent you annoyed, yes I was but I can still talk to your dad you know, and I'd laugh it off. If she said it was wrong on his part, then I would say ..yes of course it is wrong. But do you think that the way you did it really made it right? Then again, you are the logical one. I am giving the cancerian way of tackling it.

I think that you're right that this could be a cause of concern. That she wanting to be in the middle might have some effects when you finally tell them about the divorce. Hopefully I am mistaken. Please say hi to your evil twin for me!

I say good for her shows her loeve for you. maybe tho tell her that you could and would have taken cre of it if she hant jumped in. and that dadies cn be butts some times!

I'm with Dusk... And I think Dearra won't be surprised in the least when you drop the D-bomb when school's out.

Often parents are torn apart just at the times their children need them to present a strong steady front. Better get with R on this and let him know how much this my side, your side attitude can undermind your children. Dearra is into her teens and teens need good steady adults that they know they can rely on to give them the support they need to face the world. Please take a serioud look at what I have written and think about it. Dearra needs you both together as parents regardless of your personal differences. Blessings