I am so very frustrated.....
By celticeagle
@celticeagle (160064)
Boise, Idaho
January 11, 2013 12:06pm CST
right now. My grandson is really being a problem. As I have spoken about before he has ODD and that means he is oppositional, defiant, throws a fit sometimes if he doesn't get his way. Ya,you'd think he is spoiled but his mind works differently than most people's do. His mind immediately wants to defy and argue. SO the way in which we deal with him is giving him options and explaining alot.
THis morning he refused to get on the bus. Last week he missed the bus two days in a row. Sunday he threw a fit and the police were called. He is aleady in the diversion program with the juvenile courts for hitting his mother last Summer. If he doesn't go to school, counselor, etc. he breaks the terms of the contract with Diversion and would have to go before a judge and could be put on probation, go to juvenile detention or whatever else the judge deems necessary. He really is getting a break with this program because if he goes by the terms of the contract it is all over the end of this March and it stays off his record.
I am so frustrated with this whole situation. We have PSR workers, Family therapists and he is in the Excell Program at school. Being in this program means that instead of him going to the close school here about three blocks away he has to go to a school clear across town. So if he misses the bus what are we to do? Call a taxi? I don't think I should help him out by taking him. I refused to take him this morning and called the school and told them so. I think he should be accountable and this seems the only way. If he isn't there he will miss lessons. I think you can see my point. There needs to be some reprocussions coming his way. And I shouldn't just jump and take him to school when he could have caught the bus. THis just makes it too easy for him. Do you see my point.
My point for this discussion is my frustration but also a feeling of not knowing what to do. And today being Friday no one seems to be in their office. I am hoping I can get some positive words from you. Thanks in advance.
4 people like this
21 responses
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
11 Jan 13
He does get a Lego toy or video game when he is good for the previous month. But in the throws of a fight with him using that sort of thing used to work. Not it is a constant" NO!" or "I don't have to!" Or just ignores his mother. I am the one who makes the rules stick so I get the worst of his mouth. Like threatening he is going to kill me or something nice like that. He likes to throw things at me too. And this last Sunday my graddaughter was over and she heard him screaming and throwing a fit and she was so upset the police were finally called. I was surprised because I have gotten so USED to it. Scarey.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157918)
• United States
12 Jan 13
My great niece lived me when she was younger, until I could not handle it, and insisted her mom come and be a mom. It was time. I could feel myself getting sucked in to abusive behavior myself. This young lady has physical problems and social problems, but also is bi polar. The only med that ever helped also cause a rash that made the skin peel on her hands and face. Her senior year of high school, just before Easter, just short of finishing a CNA class, she stole money and ran away to a family in California, claiming her mother physically abused her (did not happen). Eventually that family sent her back saying she was both lazy and a liar. Katy finally finished high school in an adult education program. She cannot get work, and I have encouraged her to try to get disability. She goes into rages at my sister, her grandmother, and she told me herself that the way she was acting is what finally made her believe she is really bi polar. It has been a long road to get this far, and she did grab my sister and hurt her one day. There needs to be some more work done on your grandson's behavior plan for your sake.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Jan 13
We just trudge on and on in lessons and love. Thanks.
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
12 Jan 13
Wow!! Anymore, it makes you wonder when you continue to hear of things happening like this, and wonder what is really going on. Why are so many kids no a days getting so defiant like this? Have they tried medication? I will be Praying and hope some type of solution help can be found before it turns into something more serious.
1 person likes this
@KrauseHome (36448)
• United States
16 Jan 13
I will be Praying my friend, and hope somehow something can be done soon to help out this situation before it esculates to something more. Wishing you all the Best.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
6 Mar 13
Thank you. I think that medication is the answer and we are looking at that.
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
12 Jan 13
I don't blame u for not taking him. I think he is going to have to suffer some consequences for his behavior & it might straighten him out some. If he wants to misbehave then he should have to take his punishment. Some times tough love does help. I'm sorry u have to go through all u do. U don't deserve to have to live like that. hope things get better for u.
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jan 13
Thanks for your input. I can't afford counseling anymore. I used to be able to see a intern for free but the changed the law January 2012 and now they charge. I just can't afford it! I really need to see one because it helps me so much. Second best thing is to discuss on here. I am just at my wits end.
1 person likes this
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
14 Jan 13
I am also like that, I like the love and soft way. So you should talk to him in a softer manner.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Jan 13
It starts soft. If he is defiant we give him choices.
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Jan 13
That is where the PSR and therapist come in. If we haven't been listening enough they know the questions to ask and how to get to and see beyond just his misbehavior. We all work together and, yes, he has voice in it. When he will talk. Part of the problem is getting him to talk. The professionals are good at that.
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
15 Jan 13
I think instead of talking to him, let him talk to you first and see what are the proposals that he comes with, listen carefully, because this behavior may also come if the person feels ignored. I am not a psychologist but that is just my observation, you can try at your own risk.
1 person likes this
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
13 Jan 13
oh my, its totally understandable that you are frustrated beyond explanation with what you tell us here. ODD or no ODD but even people with such mental issues should be held accountable for their actions and should not be able to get away with everything they do and be excused.
You are sooo right with not taking him to school when he could easily have caught the bus.
Heads up dear celticeagle, you are doing exactly the right thing.......
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Jan 13
Foul behavior can be conditional and not mental. But who wants to pick and choose? I don't.
@RitterSport (2451)
• Lippstadt, Germany
14 Jan 13
hi dear celticeagle, my husband has a personality disorder so its not always easy over here. I just dont want to excuse foul behaviour with this disorder all the time and have to take a stand here and there and now and then.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
11 Jan 13
I understand your frustration, but as you've said, your grandson has ODD. Does he take medication for it and does it help? Have they diagnosed him with anything else? From what I've read, it usually is related to ADHD, ADD and such.
You said that you have PSR workers, Family Therapists and he's in the Excell Program at school-are they reaching him?
You and your daughter, as well as all of the other authorities figures in his daily life need to be on the same page when it comes to consequences for specific actions, like not getting on the school bus.
Perhaps a meeting with everyone is in order. This is your grandson, not your child. You cannot continue to put yourself in this position-it could make you sick from the stress. I know you love your family, but the situation doesn't seem to be getting better, to be honest. All I can do is offer prayers for you and your family now.
1 person likes this
@scorpiobabes (7225)
• United States
12 Jan 13
Maybe the vast difference in parenting/responsibility styles between you and your daughter isn't really helping your grandson. He's really pushing the limits but it doesn't seem like the two of you are on the same page.
My ex-husband and I have very different parenting styles. I felt from the start that she needed simple chores, where he felt that I was being the heavy. As a result, she (at 19) really doesn't know how to take care of herself, outside of a few simple tasks that I showed her, or she learned at school, like cook simple dishes. Her father refuses to let her do anything at his apartment either. I'm afraid that she's going to have to learn as an adult.
But is getting ill like this worth it? Your daughter needs to take responsibility, or go out and get a job to support all of you, so that you can take care of your grandson properly.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
11 Jan 13
I am just at the very end of my rope and grasping for something. Yes, he is on medcation and the doc recently (about two months ago) added another to the mix that we really saw a great amount of change with. I think he is beginning to have the onslaught of teenage hormones and this is mixing in with the ODD. I agree we all need to be on the same page. The Excel teacher is great and very receptive. The counselor recently changed and I am not real happy with her and we may be changing. See how that goes. I really wanted to be on the same page and talk to the counselor before I instated this new policy I have acquired to not just jump and hurry and get him to school so he wasn't late. I now make sure he is tardy and even made sure the school understood that he was absent not due to illness but because of his defiance and so I refused to take him. And this does make me sick from the stress. It is as if I am allergic to stress. That might sound silly but I have all the symptoms of a allergic reaction when I am really stressed. I have committed to live here with my daughter and help her to raise him. So come what may I am here for the long haul. I am the authoratative person in the mix because my daughter is unable to do it. I really don't think he would still be in the home if it weren't for me being here. Not to toot my own horn but I am just saying I make it happen come what may. Thanks for your response and input. It is very appreciated.
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Jan 13
No, we work together and work with the therapist and have learning techniques to use. ANd I remind my daughter of some of them from time to time. Getting ill like this is what it is. If I wasn't here the outcome would be horrid. My daughter can't do it alone, the bio dad isn't in the picture and so I have committed to being her. Both for my daughter and my grandson. My daughter is bi-polar and has a learning disability. She is on SSI so she can't hold down a job. She is as responsible as she can be. And I am here to take up the slack and help remind her of what needs to be doe and remind her over and over of the techniques we've learned along the way.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
16 Jan 13
I don't understand. Firstly because I don't know what ODD is and secondly, if this is a medical condition, I hardly see how punishing him and having an intolerant attitude (and all the negativity that goes with that) can be of any help
If it's a medical condition, are there medications to control it?
Can you tell him he is NOT allowed to go on the bus and absolutely NOT allowed to go to school? Then, he will defy you and get on the bus and go to school...YES?
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
17 Jan 13
ODD is Oppositional Defiant Disorder and it is a mental disorder. The brain works differently than a normal one. And of course he has to be made accoutable for going again the basic rules set down. ANd one of those is catching the bus. No, I could not tell him he is not allowed to go to school or to get on the bus. I can see the psychological indeaver there but it would totally defeat our purpose and he is too smart for that. Yes, he is on medication but it doesn't 'control' the ODD. They are anti-depressant, mood stablizer and a sleep inhancer. I have seen how he is without them and it isn't pretty.
@vandana7 (99156)
• India
12 Jan 13
You all have some sort of therapists and diagnosis. Out here, people do not want to be identified as somebody with problems. Hardly anybody visits a psychiatrist. And it is looked down upon. From your description I am concluding that it is quite like my father's behavior. Defy and argue..what is worse is ...there is no way he is going to listen to explanations...he either makes up his mind and asks something as a formality, so if you have an opinion on it, it will be perfunctorily dismissed. If you stand your ground, he gets annoyed and screams..do what you want without listening to your reasoning. Either way, your reasoning does not matter. lol. Yes, very frustration most of the days. Now, since some of other fears have subsided considerably, I am a bit calmer. An year or so ago, it was a different Vandy.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Jan 13
I am sorry to hear this. I am an avacate of therapy and medications. Not for all but for some. Losing the stress in a situation can sure help.
@lacieice (2060)
• United States
12 Jan 13
First of all, you need to sit your daughter down and have a serious discussion about both of you being united in your decisions regarding this behavior. He is smart enough to know that he can play you against each other. You're doing a lot of good things...making him take responsibility, being consistent.
My grandson is ADHD and OCD, and I believe he has ODD also. His father does not allow his mom to discipline him...he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him, so I am aware of some of the behavior your grandson displays.
A couple of things I thought of...is there something he really enjoys doing? If so, try to get him more involved in it. My grandson loves orgami, and does it very well. The other thing I thought is that it may take a serious incident to get his attention, like being placed outside the home for a period of time.
I really think the most important thing you can do is get your daughter to work with you to be more consistant and to take her share of the responsibility.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Jan 13
I just wrote a long, 5 paragraph response to yours and it didn't post. Suffice it to say my daughter works with me at the best of her ability.I am here to repeat, remind and help her. I am committed to live here with her and him and help her raise him. They are both on meds. We will talk to the Diversion person next week to see what wake up call he will get. He does need a wake up call. THanks for your input. I do appreciate your thoughts and wonder how your grandson will come out of his situation. He really needs some ongoing stuff.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
14 Jan 13
What are the finding of the therapist with his kind of behavior? And what seemed to be the root cause of him behaving this way?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Jan 13
The findings of therapist? The therapist works weekly with us all together. The three of us. She has taught us some things to use and how to approach him. The root cause is him ODD. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Sometimes he his really good and then others he just refuses. No reason, just exuses.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
11 Jan 13
I agree with you Celticeagle. If you take him to school, you just teach him that he doesn't have to get on the bus. I think he needs a united front from your daughter and you. He may be able to manipulate a situation if you both aren't on the same page. I like how you are making him accountable by not making excuses for him. You called the school to inform them if his actions. If he starts taking heat for his actions, he might behave better.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
11 Jan 13
Ya, I was taking him right to school. He was early and no tardies or absences on his record. I kept thinking that this is not doing him any good. So now I don't get him to school early- he is tardy now. ANd today I told them at the school I wasn't driving him to school. I just have a real problem with it. I stay up late too and I don't like to have to get up and take him. But that is the least of my worries and I would do anything for my kids.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Jan 13
I have committed to being here and helping my daughter raise my grandson. It has really been tough at times but I know it would be tougher if I wasn't here and wondering and worrying and my daughter wouldn't be able to handle it alone. And the bio dad is only in the picture when he wants to be.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
11 Jan 13
I know what you mean. I would do anything I could for my daughter. She is married, so it has changed some, but I still do try to be a good mom and do what I can for her.
2 people like this
@roshigo58 (4859)
• Pune, India
28 Feb 13
Hi,
It is obvious to become frustrated by your grandsons problem. Parents or grandparents become sad when their children or grandchildren are facing problems. You should try to tell softly and kindly what is bad and what is good. You should have patience while dealing with him. Strict punishments may spoil him more. I know it is very hard to do it patiently. But I wish your love and kindness would make him a good boy.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
28 Feb 13
Patience? My daughter has the patience of a saint. She should get an award. I am talking about the frustration of day after day after day after day the bizarre, upappropriate behavior. He can be very good. And he can be very bad.
@narbahadur (95)
• India
11 Jan 13
It's a very serious problem. You have to make him understand the importance of his Future. If he will do like this than presently he might be happy but after some years what........?? If he don't become responsible about his study than it could defiantly spoil his future. You please sit with him and make him to understand the importance of study. Also don't dispute with him try to listen him. I am sure that their is some reason behind this. He might have any problem with you or family member or friends or girl friend. Try to get the answer and accordingly solve that problem.
Even if he don't listen to you than i suggest you to please let him to do every thing whether it is right or wrong. Human learns with his mistake. But always tell him about the good thing and also stop once if he is doing wrong one. And after making his mistake always tell him that you had told him to not to this. I am sure that he may become a good boy one day. My best wishes is with you. Best of Luck. Thanks.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
11 Jan 13
It certainly is serious. Believe me we have talked to him many, many times about his future and his responsibilites. It's all been done and said many times. Let him hit his mother? Let him refuse to get on the bus? Let him and then what? The school won't do anything, the counselor tells us the same thing. Nothing is working! He can be a great kid. WHen he wants to be. And he can change in seconds from a nice little fellow to a tyrant. Its like living with two different people.
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
6 Mar 13
There are afew but that isn't the basic problem. Thanks anyway.
@narbahadur (95)
• India
11 Jan 13
I can understand your problem. I know what kind of situation you are telling about. Few years ago i also was facing the same problem. I am sure that their must be some problem which he was not able to discuss with you. You just discuss with any of his best friend, m sure that he know it. And also sure that it's a some problem within you and your family member. So ask with his friend. May be some solution will come for sure.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157918)
• United States
11 Jan 13
I think you are on the right track. Neither you nor your daughter should "reward" his misbehavior and opposition by taking him to school in the car. Even doing it on occasion will reinforce his behavior. I hope some one "official" can give you some ideas soon. You are asking for help, they need to provide it.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
11 Jan 13
Thank you for responding and your kind remarks. This sort of thing always seem to happen on a Friday when no one is in their offices. I tend to panic if I have no options to fall back on. I like to talk to some one professional to get back on track and be assured I am doing the best I can and get some feedback. He can be such a dear little fellow I hate to see him going down this path.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
12 Jan 13
well what if now he goes todetention!?
how long would he have to stay there be very different from home I am sure.
I know ya want him to be responcible but darn if I wouldnt have taken my grnad daughter if it meant breakin acontract withthe judge
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Jan 13
We are meeting with the teacher, SRO, Social worker and whoever else the end of this week to draw up a contract for him at school. Hopefully this will help him to get on the bus like he needs to and releive me of some of that stress.
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
11 Jan 13
Well that got lost in cyber space.
In short, what I said was, what if he turns you not taking him to school when he misses the bus into "hey if I don't get on the bus she won't take me to school?"
Also I know that you get support and help with his issues with ODD, but is there no group you can join to assist you get through these tough times with tips and advice from other guardians who have an ODD child?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Jan 13
I would still have to take him to school althought I don't like it. I was going to counseling weekly but that stopped last January 2012 when they quick letting intern counselors do it for free. I can't afford what I would need. As far as any other support groups I don't think so. They used to have a Tough Love group here but not anymore.
@bunnybon7 (50973)
• Holiday, Florida
12 Jan 13
im not one to think kids should be given meds but if its this extreme and nothing else works maybe he needs some and maybe the poor guy is like myself, no one knows exactly what the problem is and aint finding out
have you tried reverse phycology? like telling him you dont want him to do something that you really do?
like once i told my son i didnt want him riding the bus because of some kids that was on there. he deliberately got up early and snuck off to the bus
and kept doing it when i complained.
have you tried reverse phycology? like telling him you dont want him to do something that you really do? like once i told my son i didnt want him riding the bus because of some kids that was on there. he deliberately got up early and snuck off to the bus and kept doing it when i complained.@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Jan 13
I am definitely in agreement with not wanting kids to take medications. But when he was off of his meds for a couple months afew years back I saw such a horrible little person that I am all for them. And I know from personal experience that same thing. I really wrestled with the idea of me having to take meds but after I experienced afew really bad panic attacks I know I have to be. My stress level gets way too high and I just cannot handle or control the panic attacks without them. And the reverse physchology does work in some situations.
@wilsongoddard (7291)
• United States
11 Jan 13
Very frustrating.
He cannot be allowed to continue like this. The only real options, that allow him to remain in the home, are counseling, yoga and meditation. Some people swear by a gluten-free diet for ODD, but, then, that is true in the case of just about every ailment or disorder.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
11 Jan 13
Yes, diet is very important. I was total by a doctor when my hyper-active daughter was young that I had a choice, put her on Ridalin(sp) or take the food with preservatives out of her diet. I did the latter. Thanks for your input.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
11 Jan 13
This whole situation with your grandson has way too much effect on all of you. I agree with you that if he is not willing to go for the conditions made to get him out of juvenile courts, the only option left over is to let him feel how it is in reality. It sounds to me he is not able to take this seriously. You can say less, you can say a lot, you can have long discussions about it, take him over, but it won't help. Since you all already did enough to help him out I would do the same as you do. Sit down together tell him what you did decide plus why!. So: I decided NOT to help you anymore. You are responsible for your own deeds. Why? Because you are not willing to work for your own future. You cause me a lot of stress and frustration and you are NOT worth it. From now on it's your own responsibility to get out of bed, to get dressed in time, to get into that schoolbus and to stick to the diversion program, etc. Tell him to sign for it he agrees with it and let him be responsible without warning, helping him. If he lives with you also tell him about what the rules are from now on plus what the consequences are if not. New year, a good moment to set new rules. Also do go on with your own life! Do great things for yourself. It's the moment for you to let go, the moment for him to learn what it means to be responsible for his own deeds. Thinking different is not a good reason for his behaviour.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (160064)
• Boise, Idaho
11 Jan 13
No, thinking differently is no reason for his behavior but it does give us pause to do things differently and come from a different direction than we would normally. I agree with most of what you said. But he is worth and I would never tell him otherwise. And to explain further I have committed to living with my daughter and him to help her raise him. I am trying but I have already done this twice and I am getting tired and old.
