Boys and Bad Influences
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85135)
Shingle Springs, California
February 26, 2013 11:34am CST
This year, the children go to the "Teen Center" after school. Last year, Dearra took the bus home, and the twins went to extended day care at the elementary school. They can't take the bus home, because we now live outside the district. The twins could still go to extended day, but I want them all together, and Dearra's too old.
Anyway, Cary's made a friend at the teen center. He's an older boy, in high school, and they hang out and play video games there.
This morning Dearra told me Cary had chosen the most inappropriate, obnoxious boy to make friends with. She overhears him talking about sucking d*cks and grabbing girls boobs. She says she actually spoke up and told him "that's offensive" and he shut up.
Now this kid is probably 16, and Cary's only 12. I know boys talk about such things, but this is a much older kid, with much older boy hormones, and I don't like it very much. At the moment, I'm debating talking to Cary, talking to the boy, talking to the Teen Center, or having either Cary's dad or Tony talk to him. Or letting it go. I don't think I'm going to let it go...
And on another subject, Cary just passed his "blue one" test at karate. Apparently, at this level they want me to schedule a meeting and have him set goals.
8 people like this
20 responses
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Feb 13
There are several issues here:
First the age of the boy and his inappropriate conversation. A male should handle this if possible otherwise you do it. Do they have counsellors at the centre? what would bother me too if Mr. Big Talker should take Cary off to the bathrooms for a little experiemnt. Now that is the worse but I believe in facing the worse. Cary is younger and may just like to bask in the attention of an older boy. So Mr. Big just may try something.
Secondly - you have to talk to the teen centre
Thirdly, Cary's Dad or Tony should have a talk with Cary. You decide who would do the better job. Regrettably he has to learn about these things preferably from a man with whom he is comfortable with
Fourth: No, you cannot let it go
Fifth: Congratulations to Cary for passing is test at karate
Sixth: This parenting thing just never stops. I have a 35 year olf that I worry over
4 people like this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Feb 13
I wasn't seriously thinking of letting it go. Didn't occur to me the boy might try something inappropriate. The conversation does seem to focus on girls, so probably not, but you never know. Going to have a talk with Tony about it at lunch for starters...
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Feb 13
Sorry dawn - but there are boys who like a bit of practice on other boys before dating girls. My sons told me this - two of them were at Boarding School but we had prepared them for it just in case it happened. Or rather, my husband prepared them as he had been at Boarding School too. I kn ow that it is disgusting but it happens.
2 people like this
@sconibear (8016)
• United States
26 Feb 13
Wait a minute........you mean to tell me........that people actually suck ducks?!? 
........are they at least cooked first? 
........are they at least cooked first?
4 people like this
@GardenGerty (157553)
• United States
26 Feb 13
The "Teen Center" needs to be aware of this. I guess I would suggest that they need to separate the age groups as well. I am wondering if Mr. Inappropriate is immature for his age and so has to hang with younger guys to feel big. And talk "adult". I wish there was a better way for them to spend their time after school.
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (157553)
• United States
26 Feb 13
Cheap and convenient is why the parents like it, minimal supervision is why the kids like it, but I have a really bad feeling about this kid.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
26 Feb 13
me too GG so the supervisor should nknow about his very soon.
@ElicBxn (63235)
• United States
26 Feb 13
Talking to Cary might work, talking to the other boy will probably just make him defensive. I doubt you can keep them apart unless you were to take them out of the place, the older kid probably enjoys having a younger boy look up to him. I rather doubt he's got to many other friends.
That's good that Cary is doing well in karate, the roomie's great nephew "L" has just started karate too.
3 people like this
u.
@vandana7 (98834)
• India
27 Feb 13
All that I guess is part of growing up Dawny. While I am not a mother, I would just have a nice chat with my kid and tell him look whatever discussed and told to you by the other guy is not exactly appreciated by us women and girls. So the choice is up to him whether to be the grown up guy or some confused teenager. My consideration would of course be based on the local situations. I would rather the teenager feel as if he is taking a call rather than feel as if I am forcing the decision on him. They do tend to be rebellious na..:)
3 people like this
@topffer (42156)
• France
26 Feb 13
My mother was globally thinking that all my friends were "bad influences", so I had a negative a priori when reading the title of your discussion. But there is something wrong in the behavior of the "bad boy", and I am asking myself if he is not a bit mentally retarded to be friend with and play the same games than a boy 4 years younger than him. Have you no other solution than this teen center to put your son after school ? I would look for another place.
. Have you no other solution than this teen center to put your son after school ? I would look for another place.4 people like this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Feb 13
Cary's smart, but he has autism, and I'm not sure he's totally equipped to pick up on what's appropriate or inappropriate.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
26 Feb 13
I think that boy is a little too old and his language is too inappropriate. You are right to be concerned, and also that Cary should have told an adult that the youth used bad language not talked to him directly.
It is a good thing that they want you to have a meeting. Do not let it go.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Feb 13
His dad talked to him. They don't want me to have a meeting, I want to talk to somebody there.
@BarBaraPrz (45498)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
26 Feb 13
I remember the boys in grade 5 and 6 talking about those things... and grabbing at me.
His friend may be older in years but may not be as emotionally advanced as you'd expect a 16-year-old to be. (First clue: preferring to play video games with a 12-year-old instead of chatting up the cute girls.)
2 people like this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
26 Feb 13
hi dawnald now that is disgusting and I am sure Cary is doing that to try to be in with the older boy asI doubt he even really knows all that crap.I think G.G. has the right idea. You need to
talk to someone who heads the teen center as he is getting the wrong info about relating to girls.that way lies the path to disrespecting girls and then women.Also do talk to Cary as he needs to know that is not right at all to talk that way and you do not condone t at..I know the older boys talk that stuff but maybe a lot of them did not get taught how to relate to and respect girls and then women.Maybe Tony could talk to Cary if they get along well with each other..
Hope you can work it out so Cary understands that not acceptable to talk like that.
Hope you can work it out so Cary understands that not acceptable to talk like that.2 people like this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Feb 13
Cary's not doing it, the other boy is saying those things.
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
26 Feb 13
Is Tony still not working? Maybe he can watch the kids after school?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159058)
• Boise, Idaho
26 Feb 13
I think letting the teen center know so perhaps they can keep an eye out is a good idea. Maybe Cary's dad or Tony could find an appropriate moment and have a word with him too. See where his head is at. It may just be the need for an opponent on a game or it could be alot more. Watchful eyes never hurt.
2 people like this
@bounce58 (17387)
• Canada
27 Feb 13
I'd almost want to say, to just let it go. Not that it is acceptable at this age, but I'm just thinking that it might have an opposite effect if he was told, or the other boy was told not to do this anymore.
Maybe the Teen Center would be better equipped in handling these situations. If so, then they should be told.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Feb 13
His dad had a talk with him about inappropriate behavior, and the consequences of it...
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
27 Feb 13
I think that it is best to let the parents of that boy know how their kid behaves. We want to keep our kids away from bad influences. You should not hesitate on talking to the parents of the boy. And also, it would also be a big help to talk to Cary and explain him the reason behind all these.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Feb 13
No idea who the other parents are. The kid is always still there when I pick up my kids.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Feb 13
His dad had a talk with him yesterday. I'll see if I can talk to somebody at the center today.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
1 Mar 13
You are right...this is just exactly how boys talk at that age. I have a group of them varying in ages from 13 to 16 that hang out at the store that I work in. Their language and subject matter is often pretty inappropriate. I'm pretty tolerante but I have spoken to them about watching their mouths. I had a father talk to me about his son last week and it was pretty much this same thing. His son is just enough younger than some of the boys in the group and he was concerned. All I could tell him was that his son was very respectful and polite and when the older kids went out to smoke behind the building, his son did not join them. The most you can really do is talk to Cary about not being a part of any disrespectful behavior. He sounds like a good kid that knows right from wrong. He just needs to know that if this kid really acts out that he needs to remove himself to avoid being associated with it. It's tough. there is a huge age difference between 12 and 16. I wouldn't like it either. I'm sure he looks right up to this kid. I'm kind of surprised that they blend those age groups together.
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
1 Mar 13
I don't think that talking to cary's friend is a good idea. It would just embarrass Cary. Having his father talk to him and talking to the Teen Center are both better ideas. Maybe that the Teen Center can have a program about appropriate behavior. I'm sure Cary is feeling proud that an older boy wants to be his friend. I';m happy that Cary is doing well in karate. I'd put the emphasis there.
@dorannmwin (36392)
• United States
12 Mar 13
That is great that he's passed his "blue one" in karate.
Now as far as this older boy friend goes, I think that someone needs to talk to him about being inappropriate with the younger children. However, I also don't really think that is something that is going to be the most effective. The reason that I say that is because of the fact that the little boy up the street is Kathryn's age and Paul does play with him, but he is constantly being inappropriate. I've talked to his father about it and his father has grounded him for it, but it doesn't seem like those talks and punishments have made any kind of a difference.
@changjiangzhibin89 (16533)
• China
27 Feb 13
Kid tends to take on the colour of his company.The boy in question seemed to be badly brought up,Cary should give him a wide berth.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Feb 13
It may not be easy to make him do that when I'm not around.
