No She Won't, I Said

Oh, I don't know about a "surprise" visit, in my opinion the children should be told and not only about her visit, but also she needs to tell the children that she is leaving again. That is if she isn't taking them. She does have a job now, right? Do you think she is planning to take them with her?

I was honestly wishing she'd never come back.. just leave them be as obviously they are better off without her! She is nuts! She doesn't seem to want them in her life otherwise they'd be with her or she'd be with them.. so why does she have to continue to make things difficult on them and those who are caring for them? I really do hate that little witch.. and I've never even met her!

In my opinion she should not be allowed to even see the children. I am very afraid of what damage she may do to them & the way u have loved them through all the bad times when she first abandoned them.All she is going to do is upset them. I think any mother who leaves their children like she did is very sorry. That's not what good mothers do.I also worry that she might just pick up & leave your country w/them. Would not put anything passed her. My opinion is very low when it comes to her.

Oh my word. A surprise visit to a child that age can't possibly be understood by them, so yes agree that they need to be prepared for her to visit. I would feel uncomfortable her taking them out of the home during these visits as well. It's sad when a parent needs to use their children as a tool for destruction like that. Spewing hate and drama to keep them in turmoil. I hope when this divorce is done that some strict boundaries are drawn for visitation with her. Could always go with supervised visitation so it rests in the courts hands instead of all these feelings of anger get dumped in your lap. It's hard to pick up the pieces of another parents irresponsible behavior.

Love your grandchildren, be there for them and as hard as it is explain to them the situation. Children hurt when they are rejected and they hurt tremendously, they do not understand at that age why grown-ups are so hateful and hurting and they look to have someone understand and comfort them. Be honest with them, do not speak evil or bad or mother, father, or who ever just speak the facts and ask them question or their opinion of what is going on in their life's. When they answer, ask why they answered that way and then you will know what is going on in their little minds and you can continue from there. Children need direction and sometimes adults can make life very confusing for them.

This is really sick of your DIL, to leave her twins with you,and she thinks,she can run around and do, what ever she want to do, like she doesn't have any children, these babies are going to be so damed, it hurts my heart, that she is hurting these babies, like this what is going to happen is, when these twins get older, and the realize, their mother has left them, they will grow up hating her, and there is nothing you can do, to stop the hurt, these children are going to go through,because they are going to see, these other children at school, parent come to school, and they are going to wonder, why doesn't their mother, come to school to see them, you are going to have to, put you foot down hard with your DIL, if you don't she will walk all over you, and keep getting away with it, I think you should get court order, and make a schedule for when she can visit the Twins, and you need to be there, when she visits, so you can hear everything that she says, to the children, that way everything can be reported, to the courts of what she says and does, and it won't fall on you.

I know some of what you are going through. I had a child that age living with me while her mother drove a truck. Mom did not hate me, but she had different rules than I did. I would get things leveled out and she would come home, and take the girl and not make her mind the way I did. She would lie about stuff that she should not have and set that example for her.It would have been even harder if she had actively worked against me. I hope you can get these rules in place that they will be notified of their mom's visits.

OMG, cynthiann..as much as I like to have something comforting to say...I can only offer my prayers! Reading your story here (I do not have history)is like my life, flashing before my eyes and mind! I can relate to the damage a part-time Mother can do to a young child's mind. She loves me, she loves me not! My life was a swinging door caused by Mother..a roller coaster ride from He!!. Remembering that turmoil like it was yesterday...when Mother popped in, and out of my life..I know now, the only thing that kept me grounded, was having a Father, whom was as stable, as you are in their lives! And if she is anything like my Mother was...she promised the world...and delivered nothing! I felt like a toy, or a pawn...for her to play with, until she passed 4 years ago... Be you, the loving person that you are! Be prepared for nefarious misbehaviour,temper tantrums...a huge storm in their little lives (you already know that)! I don't know how to stop this..I just know the damage, and the residual damage that her wanton ways can produce! Like JO, I would be ever so cautious, of her taking them...as my Mother did that, until it became inconvenient to her, again...and then I was back in the Court System. You are so dealing with an unknown entity..and a scary one! My prayers are with YOU, cynthiann!

Stay strong, Cynthiann. I know you will but I can only imagine just how stressful this must be for you. You are amazing for stepping up to the plate and being both mom and gram role for these children. When and if she shows up at your door, I would at some point have a little talk with her about talking dirt about you to the kids and her lack of honesty with them. I see you mentioned how she has told them that she has a big house with a pool and lots of money. Is any of that true at all? Could she be marrying some wealthy man? I would not trust this woman at all. Do you think she would try to take them at this point? I know we have discussed this but I can't remember your son's stance on this. Would he even be ok with her taking them out of the country? I would not only demand some straight answers from her but I would be keeping a close watch on her while she is here.

I really do hope that it all works out well. She really needs to grow up and figure out what it is that she wants. It is definitely not right of her to do that to the twins. She needs to be very clear on when she is coming and when she is going or she should not be allowed to come at all.

GS, you mean? Yes, she should definitely let them know when she will be there and for how long.

She does need to prepare them BEFORE she comes as to how long she stays. If she honestly does not know, then it's best to give a time she'll leave anyway, as to not get their hopes up that she'll stay. My father - well there is a lot about him. Let's just say that my grandmother always talked ugly of him, now my granfather (her husband) never would. He would say no matter what, my dad is my dad. My dad - he is just something else. There are things from my childhood that I remember, that I do not like. I still have a lot of unanswered things. However, with my grandfather always telling me not to hate him, I learned to just well let things be. I don't see my dad, i don't know where he is anymore, I suppose in the same house. My dad was not a good father, for whatever reason he wasn't, I don't particularly appreciate that, I don't particularly know what to think. However, with my grandfather telling me he is still my dad, it helped me to process things a lot better. I guess what I am trying to say is that in the future, your mentioning of their mother - they'll appreciate it. I do have this to say though, if she is going to walk out that door she needs to do it now and stay that way. They don't need anyone who is a "when it's convenient" parent.

Kids are much smarter than we realize. There will come a time when the kids get it and they will be put out with her. Right now she has a right to see them and the poor little souls will have to sort it out for themselves. Hopefully the six months she has been out of the picture the kids have realized the hating is for the twits and isn't healthy. Sounds like she won't be around long to instill too much negativity in them. I would brace yourself for their decline after she leaves. It is confusing for them and all you can do is love them and answer any questions they might have.

I really hate people like this! Why have kids when you're only going to abandon them? What else in life has she abandoned? What kind of mother does this?! I would have a court order against her, or I would move away with the kids and not tell this evil woman where you're located! There are many ideas to protect those kids. You're a smart lady, I'm sure you will think of something.

I guess this is what happens when you have over 2,000 e-mails in your inbox. I just got to this discussion! So this connected to your recent discussion. I thought maybe your DIL was thinking about taking them with her again to live with her. What a shame.

After reading your post and all the responses, I am wondering if the following would be able to help alleviate whatever is happening there. 1. Doing things differently. I wonder if a your daughter-in-law's visitation could be fixed according to her privilege like weekly, fortnightly or monthly. Fixing will be much simpler, where she will only need to call when she is unable to make it. When she misses her scheduled turn, she will need to forgo her fixed appointment and make it for the next. In this way, you do not have to find out or wait for her unexpected call and your daughter-in-law will need not burden herself with making a call to you when she wants to come a visiting. 2. Cast In Stone I believe all adults will need to sit down together and lay everything about child custody on the table. I feel that despite her lies, I have a hunch she would not be able to bring the children with her as she starts her new life with her new someone. So I suggest that all of you try to motivate her to see this perspective and not say something she cannot fulfill with the twins. Let her see the point that custody would be better off with your son and that she can still have visitation rights to them as a mother. Even if custody is not a problem with her, she needs to remember the special needs of one of her child who requires long term treatment and consistency care which she may not be able to do it. Once that is ironed out, cast it in stone so that the divorce will not be traumatizing for the twins. My hunch may be wrong but I feel your daughter-in-law is letting her ego get the better of her and could have overlooked the extras required in taking care of her children. You can always persuade her to see the possibilities of having her own children with her new husband and caring the special twins would be a toll on her and new family. 3. Contingency Plan I do not know how "MEAN" can you get but sometimes you need to stab your heart yourself when your daughter-in-law does not heed the warnings of possible hardships child custody bring. Now, if that does happen then be prepared to harden your heart and LET GO - "wash your hands". Let her have the twins all to herself and let her suffer the consequences of her foolish decision. I know you may want to scold me but take a deep breath and think for a moment where the courts ruling will turn out against your son or separate custody. It may be at the expense of your grandchildren, but she may need to learn her lesson the hard way. But, no matter how bad she is I trust that she will never put her children in harm's way or fail them. If she does, I am sure you are the ever ready buffer to come to the twins' rescue. Expect the unexpected and it will be easy on your heart. I feel that your daughter-in-law needs to learn and realize that winning every battles does not guarantee winning the war. There are somethings one must learn to let go and compromise.

Let those children have peace in their souls. My father comes and goes, and now I prefer to have peace in my soul.

Over the weekend, I saw a movie called 'Playing for Keeps'. It stared Gerald Butler and Jessica Biel. It's about a dad trying to get back to his son's life after he and his mom have moved on with their lives. Although the story in this movie and the story with your grand kids may not be really alike, the lesson I got from the movie was how destructive it was for the emotional growth of little kids if one parent come in and out of their lives without so much structure. So, I agree that when your DIL come for a visit, some ground rules must be set.

I do think that she ought to tell her twins what is really happening coz the twins will be asking a lot more questions, I tell you. Everybody should be as honest as possible to the twins so that they would understand what is going on with the things around them.

I know what you mean I have had my bio sister's oldest son since he was 14 months and now that he has been in a private school for a while all of a sudden she wanted to see him. Drives me nuts when she had free will to see him anytime at our house but chose not too.