Well, Now What the Heck do I do?!
By Catherine
@bluesa (15022)
Johannesburg, South Africa
January 19, 2016 7:06am CST
When telling a person you are not interested, and you do not feel that way about them doesn't work then what is the next thing a person can try? Let me explain. There is this guy, he is 15 years younger than I am, and for the last three years he has been telling me he is in love with me!
He is the cousin of a best friend of mine. And three years ago I was at a barbecue with her and he was invited too, we were all talking and I told him I liked watching Cricket and Rugby, the whole group talked favourite music, favourite hobbies, then after the barbecue we all went our separate ways.
I didn't think about him because once he told me he was 22 years old and I told him I was 37, I thought he understood we'd only be acquaintances and nothing more!
Then I got a phone call from him, he'd gotten my number from my friend, he told me he had really liked me when he met me, and then, to my utter shock, he wanted to know if I would go on a date with him?
I could not believe it, I am 15 years older than him, I told him that straight out too, I told him, I'm sorry, but, I am 15 years older than you, I will definitely not go out on a date with you!
He said he did not care that I was older than him, I told him I did care that he was so much younger, and I was not going to date him. What did he say? He said that if that was my answer for now, he'd try again in a year. I thought, oh sure, yeah, as if!
After that first phone call, we saw each other at barbecues and at dance clubs with our different friends, watched Cricket and Rugby in groups, I thought he started to see me as just a friend, but then he walked up to me one day during that first year and said he was falling in love with me, I told him, I am sorry, but, I don't feel the same.
What did he say? He said he would give me time to think about it. I thought he was just being impossible, saying he'd phone me in a year, giving me time to think about what he said, but sure enough last year he phoned me, I told him no, again. We saw each other at gatherings and so, but, I really thought he understood there would be nothing more!
Then this Sunday he phoned, yes, again! This time I told him, he really has to stop this, there are girls his age that would love to date him, and I am not interested in him, and I will not date him! What does he say? He says, that he can wait! Now, what the heck do I do?! This week I turn 39, he is turning 24 in February! How do I stop him being so totally ridiculous?!
26 people like this
26 responses
@jaboUK (64346)
• United Kingdom
19 Jan 16
I don't see what else you can do except keep telling him no. If he's only going to approach you once a year then it's not too much of a problem, but if he does it more often and becomes a nuisance that will be different.
Unfortunately it sounds as if he's put you on a pedestal. Perhaps you need to get a male relative to tell him in no uncertain terms to leave you alone.
4 people like this
@jaboUK (64346)
• United Kingdom
19 Jan 16
@Freelanzer I do agree with you there, as long as the attraction is mutual. From what Catherine has said here that doesn't seem to be the case here.
5 people like this
@Freelanzer (10782)
• Canada
19 Jan 16
I am going to be the odd one out here. Do you like him, age aside? Age is just a number and statistically men have a shorter life span than women, so there is the probability that you could both age gracefully together. It it were reversed, we won't bat an eye at an older man with a younger woman, and we would certainly not refer to the younger woman as a stalker. In any I would be flattered and remember, the thirties is the new twenties.
4 people like this
@Inlemay (17712)
• South Africa
20 Jan 16
I dont ever see age as a problem - why are you? What rule book says you cannot date a younger guy?
"Dating someone younger—whether you’re two or three years his senior or are talking cougar territory—certainly can work (look at Eva Longoria and her 4-years younger beau), but being an “older woman” in a relationship does tend to come with certain perks and downfalls. If you want to make things work, be sure you can handle the following." Go and read the Pro's and Con's and if you feel you could just give it a try - then give it a try - have dinner (dinner only mind you) I agree with @Freelanzer
4 people like this
@Inlemay (17712)
• South Africa
21 Jan 16
@bluesa you have the same problem as my daughter - she has offers from younger men as well and just cannot get past the age. But if you come to think of it - you were in Grade 10/std 8 when he was born - now that gap sounds creepy - FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCT AND HEART girl and dont let anything else matter even if it means just having a good friend. those are rare as well.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
20 Jan 16
@Inlemay , once he told me his age, I immediately went into potential friend frame of mind, not possible boyfriend. I mean, to me, 15 years is a bit much, and it is also strange to me, to see a man with a woman 15 years younger than he his. I have always found such big age gaps very strange, I guess I am old school that way. Though I do respect that it works out for some couples, it is not for me.
2 people like this
@WorDazza (15826)
• Manchester, England
19 Jan 16
Despite the fact that he is only approaching you once a year I can imagine that this must be quite unsettling for you knowing that he isn't giving up. This could actually be regarded as stalking if you have told him in no uncertain terms that nothing is going to happen between you.
I don't think the fact that you see each other at various gatherings is helping the situation. I know you shouldn't have to but maybe the best way to get your message across is to withdraw from a few gatherings where you know he's going to be. It might send a message to him that he is making you feel uncomfortable.
2 people like this
@WorDazza (15826)
• Manchester, England
20 Jan 16
@bluesa It's sad that, through no fault of your own, you are being made to feel that you can't do certain things. Hopefully a combination of not being around him for a while, and one of his friends explaining how he is making you feel, will do the trick!!
Unfortunately there are some men who think that their attention, even if unwanted, should always make a woman feel flattered. They just can't get it into their heads that it often comes across as a bit creepy!!
1 person likes this
@DianneN (254926)
• United States
19 Jan 16
He sounds rather immature to me, just another reason NOT to date him. I am sure there are people who could make this work, but Ick! All you can do is to keep turning him down and feel flattered. Hopefully, he will meet someone closer in age. I think his hormones are running rampant over your beauty and personality.
3 people like this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Jan 16
@DianneN , I will definitely not date him! I know some people think a 15 year age gap is fine, but it seems just too odd to me, that is why I never thought about him that way. I hope he will soon meet someone that will return his feelings. I just wish he would stop being so stubborn!
1 person likes this
@Ladypeace (2028)
• Singapore
19 Jan 16
Certain personalities who are being faced with full blown unrequited love can be a tad shameless to a point that it becomes amusing. But then again, who can blame a love struck young man who is trying his best to get a chance with the woman of his dreams? As long as he is being respectful, you could continue what you are doing now by rejecting his offers in a firm and sensible manner. But from what you have described about him, it sounds like nothing you say or do would put an end to his behavior until he decides to give up himself.
4 people like this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Jan 16
@Ladypeace , yes, being very annoying aside, he is respectful. But, I feel very uncomfortable with the whole situation, and after three years of this I am wondering if he will ever decide to give up. :/
3 people like this
@BethieAnnie (818)
• Dayton, Ohio
19 Jan 16
@bluesa Seeing as you share friends, and you will see him again means you can not just move to another country, and change your name. Luckily for you he has kept himself in check. It is sweet that he cares that much, he is still young though. One year he might call, an you might miss it.
2 people like this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
20 Jan 16
@BethieAnnie , luckily it is not all the time that he contacts me. I just feel that he is wasting his time, because I will not date him, and he could be dating someone who does return his feelings.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61463)
• United States
3 Feb 16
I think you need to just go on a date with him and get it over with. At the end of the date maybe he will see that you really don't care about him that way or maybe you will see there is more to him than just a young man, who know? Life is funny.
1 person likes this
@BelleStarr (61463)
• United States
4 Feb 16
@bluesa For your sake I hope it does. I think you should be flattered, you can stiill attract a young man, he thinks you are a hot babe!! lol Sorry I am just teasing a little I know it is bothering you and I hope it ends with his finding somone else to love!!
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
4 Feb 16
@BelleStarr , I have gotten a friend of his to talk to him, and he will also see if he can introduce him to this girl he knows, she is around his age, and I am hoping that they will get along well and maybe end up dating.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
4 Feb 16
@BelleStarr , ha ha ha, it is okay, my friends also say I should be flattered. But, yeah, let us hope he finds someone else soon. :)
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (502466)
• Italy
19 Jan 16
There is nothing you can do, you already explained him that he is too young. Tell him that you will never change your mind, so it's better he stops to call you and start to find another woman to date. Be firm, if he says I will call in one year, reply NO, I would not take your phone call.
2 people like this
@Hatley (163772)
• Garden Grove, California
19 Jan 16
@bluesa if he starts to come at you more frequentlyyou co uld take out an order to prevent him from comling near you as ta wou ld be stakln b ut if he does just phone I wo uld an swer again" What part of N O do you no t understand? this might embarrass him enough to make him stop.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
19 Jan 16
@LadyDuck , I never thought to not answer his call, because sometimes my friend uses his phone, but, now that you suggest me telling him I will not answer his call, I think from now on if I see the number, I will not answer and I will text my friend and ask if she is phoning before I answer.
3 people like this
@Sheilamarie78 (2586)
• Canada
19 Jan 16
You need to continue to speak firmly to him if that's how you feel. You'd think he's eventually get the message.
2 people like this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
20 Jan 16
@Sheilamarie78 , yes, I will, I hope he will get the message, plus I am going to ask a friend of his to please talk some sense into him.
2 people like this
@DaddyEvil (174430)
• United States
1 Feb 16
Uhm... Cat? You may not like what I have to say on this post... Fair Warning!
Is the only reason you are telling him no because there is a fifteen year difference in your ages? Uhm... so?
Maybe I should explain something... My first wife and I were fifteen years apart in age, too... We were quite happy until the seventh year after we got married... Then she started deliberately pushing me away. Her two daughters from previous marriages told me she always did that. They didn't know why though...
My suggestion would be.... If you like him otherwise, you could tell him you will go out with him once just to prove to him that he isn't really in love with you... If you actually like him, you can use the one date to see what he is like one on one. If you don't care for him at all, you are certainly knowledgeable enough to make the date a miserable experience for him... That would take care of the problem, either way!
Of course, that is just my opinion! Good luck, whatever you decide to try next, hon!
1 person likes this
@DaddyEvil (174430)
• United States
2 Feb 16
@bluesa It is true that the spark must be there for both people, so your situation is not the same as mine was, hon...
I am glad his friend talked to him, but just so you are aware, that would have only stopped me for a while... I would become a nuisance again in roughly a month, if I was truly interested.
Good luck! I hope he has more control than I would have!
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
2 Feb 16
@DaddyEvil , thank you dear Robb. I will keep what you have said in mind. I hope he will try to date other ladies. I guess time will tell.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
2 Feb 16
@DaddyEvil , thank you for the advice dear Robb. I am sorry that it did not work out for you and your wife. Thank you, the thing is, I really can only see this guy as a possible friend, I enjoy talking sport and music with him, when he is behaving. But, there is no spark for him from my side. Though I do respect and appreciate that it could work out for other couples. A friend of his has talked to him and so far all is quiet, I will see what happens next and decide on any other steps taken then.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
31 Jan 16
@mom210 , I have not seen him in a while now, but that is a good idea, should he start again, which I hope not, I'll ask his friends if they can maybe find someone closer to his age that he might be interested in dating, so thanks for the advice. :-)
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
20 Jan 16
@sol_cee , no, I am not sure what you mean, unless, you are saying that my views on age difference are ancient? But, it is not just the age difference, I do not see him in a romantic light either. And I want him to find someone who will return his feelings.
@bunnybon7 (50970)
• Holiday, Florida
25 Jan 16
i don't know. i have had the same problem at your age but back then age did not concern me. 
i guess just keep saying you don't like younger men
i guess just keep saying you don't like younger men1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
25 Jan 16
@bunnybon7 , I guess I am slightly old fashioned in my views :-). I have told him to find someone his own age, or closer to his own age, now we just hope he listens...
@41CombedaleRoad (5966)
• Greece
23 Jan 16
15 years is too big a gap and it is kind of you to put him off. He may not notice the age difference now but the time will come and then things may turn sour. Do you have any friends his age who have the same interests as you? Perhaps if you do one of them will prove to be attractive to him and your problem will be solved.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
23 Jan 16
@41CombedaleRoad , yes, it is a bit much. I have told him to give girls his age a chance, but he is so stubborn. I have now told a friend of his to talk to him, I will see if that helped. Thank you for your advice though.
@garymarsh6 (24006)
• United Kingdom
23 Jan 16
I think you are going to have to spell it out to him. Sorry but its a no go. You have no feelings for him and still have no feelings. Get over it move on and find a nice young lady who would give her bottom dollar to go out with him.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
1 Feb 16
Oh my goodness @garymarsh6 I only saw this now, so sorry. Thank you, I have told him, and I have gotten a friend of his to talk to him too.
@MarshaMusselman (38865)
• Midland, Michigan
21 Jan 16
fifteen years is actually not that big a deal when you get older, it just seems so odd now since he's barely out of diapers. The thing is that he can't really be falling in love with you if you've never spent time with just him. There's no way he knows the real you. Maybe you need to find a friend or cousin around your age to take with you as an escort so the young pup can get his mind off you. It doesn't sound like he will give up otherwise. The only other option I can see is to refrain from attending the same things he is. It might limit your social life for a bit, and maybe you'd only have to refrain for a short time for him to get the hint, I don't know.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
22 Jan 16
@MarshaMusselman , yes, I also say he can't be in love with me, because he has not spent tons of time with me, so that is why I say it is ridiculous. But I will get a friend of his to talk to him, and maybe miss out on a few gatherings and see if this will stop then.
1 person likes this
@IreneVincent (15960)
• United States
22 Jan 16
A friend of mine, married a man who was exactly 15 years younger than her. They have now been married for more than 6 years and are as happy as can be. She had been married and divorced but he had never been married. Strange but true. Age is just a number. If you "like" him I wouldn't let age interfere, but if you truly don't "like" him, then I'd say you really DO have a problem, if he keeps pursuing you.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
22 Jan 16
@IreneVincent , I do respect it could work for some couples, and I am glad for your friend. It is just that from the minute I heard his age, I considered him friend material, and nothing more. So, yes, this is a problem, but one I hope to sort out soon.
@PainsOnSlate (21845)
• Canada
26 Jan 16
I had a friend who married a younger guy, the same age of my son that just turned me off..., I wished her well and run into her once in a while...I guess they are still married. She was in her 40's, a widower and the guy was 19...maybe 20.. Turned my stomach and so glad it wasn't my son. She already had three children, and he didn't care.
1 person likes this
@bluesa (15022)
• Johannesburg, South Africa
26 Jan 16
@PainsOnSlate , I guess that is why they say, each to his and her own, I am glad if it worked out for your friend, but, I find it so very strange to have such a massive age gap. I just am not comfortable with dating someone so many years younger.
1 person likes this
