Determined to do Better
@just4him (323168)
Green Bay, Wisconsin
May 7, 2016 9:17pm CST
Okay, today was a mind blowing eye opener, and if you think I've stopped crying, I only stopped long enough to make it to church, through the service and back home again.
I've determined my children are going to have the mother they never had. I always knew I was far from perfect. Things just didn't go right almost from the beginning. However, I do know where things took a serious turn south, and that is the fence I'm going to mend. I'm also going to build a bridge over the water instead of always trying to swim across the dam. I'm tired of faulty dam's and broken bridges and fences that keep falling down and are rotting from non repair.
I do know what I wanted from my mother while I was growing up and I know I can't go that far back, but I can start from right here, right now and get out the hammer and nails and start getting all these relationships repaired.
I told my son why I was so upset yesterday when he got home from work or rather that was 3:30 this morning. I was so upset I didn't get to bed before 5 AM. I also told my son before he went to work that I was going to be the mother he never had.
So I'm out to mend relationships. I know it's going to take a lot of prayer, but I'm determined to see this through. I don't want my kids to think bad thoughts about me ever again.
I'm not perfect, and I'm not required to be, but I am going to do the best I can to be all I never was and all my mother never was to me.
The picture is my grandson, taken today at my daughter's home.
Thanks for reading.
12 people like this
11 responses
@HebrewGreekStudies (1646)
• Canada
8 May 16
I don't know the situation, but in all honesty, in pastoral situations, sometimes I see people blaming themselves or being hard on themselves over things which in all honesty they can take only half the blame for...they beat themselves up over what are actually others issues, and sometimes people blame themselves for things like being ill...sometimes families don't treat each other very nice, and the person who actually get's blamed actually did try very hard. That's not a nice reality, but it is, a reality and is often the case. I hope that would not be the situation for you...because if that is the case, well, you can't build bridges when the reality is, others need to do some of the building as well. Even if you feel you have lacked in what you feel you should have done, you must remember, you are human...and, bridges take time. My concern would be that, a person may blame themselves, try harder, and then...burn out and feel hopeless. Again, remembering you in kindness and prayer.
3 people like this
@Drosophila (16568)
• Ireland
10 May 16
@HebrewGreekStudies . "sometimes families don't treat each other very nice, and the person who actually get's blamed actually did try very hard"
this is the most profound assessment I've ever read about complex family situations. It's the unfortunate reality. I guess the worst thing about a bad family relationship is you often left to wonder if you could have done more to repair the relationship.
Sometimes, there's just not much more you can do, other than accept a bad relationship for what it is. A bad one. Then try to move on with your life and avoid repeating the same mistake elsewhere.
2 people like this
@just4him (323168)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
8 May 16
Thank you. I am hoping to have help building the bridge. I know I can't do it alone. However, I am largely at fault. I didn't want to be like my mother, and ended up just like her. So I'm making that change immediately in myself.
1 person likes this
@just4him (323168)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
10 May 16
@Drosophila So true. I'm so happy my daughter agreed to work on our relationship. That means a lot to me.
1 person likes this
@just4him (323168)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
8 May 16
From what my daughter told me yesterday, she wanted and needed her mother while she was growing up. I thought I was doing my best, but I realized yesterday I didn't come close.
@boiboing (13147)
• Northampton, England
8 May 16
@just4him I'm afraid kids these days seem to have pretty unrealistic expectations of their parents. They want you home 24/7 but with enough money to buy the latest Apple products and of course you need to let them do EVERYTHING they want.
1 person likes this
@just4him (323168)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
8 May 16
I'm doing a lot better today since I made a promise to myself and my children that I would do better. Thanks he's a good kid.
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
10 May 16
We each have something special Valerie and we each need to fit in together with what we are good at. Others standards don't define us. God made us. So don't think you are not a good mother sweetie. I am going to change...really? Why must you change? You have heart filled with love..right? That is great. I can understand if you were given to drinking, or gambling. But you are not! And last year you had a big loss to deal with as well. It is for the children to realize that you contribute. There are nuts and bolts in air crafts. One nut out and that can be a problem. So they may not be able to identify the importance of what you are contributing but if I were you, I would show them what I am doing by not doing it.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (102698)
• India
10 May 16
@just4him .. I can't of course assess the situation from this far..but nobody is perfect Valerie...being accepted with imperfections is the sign of love. That is how god loves us, right? It is up to you...but from whatever little I have known you...there is absolutely no reason for me to feel that something is badly lacking at your end. But try if you feel that will not stress you out.
1 person likes this
@just4him (323168)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
10 May 16
That is true, however, after the conversation I had with my daughter, I know there are areas I do need to work on. I do not want to be like my mother, unfeeling, uncaring, and a slob. I think I've done well on the first two, but the third is a problem area I mean to take care of. I also need to be more open with my children. I have done things without explanation, and though I love my children, and they all know that, some of the things I've done should have been with a valid explanation why I did it the way I did, instead of just leaving them to wonder and be hurt by the actions.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
8 May 16
as I said, deff take this to counseling. These major changes, esp when you are fighting against years of habit and tendencies of behavior often take support to figure out how to do things. big changes are great and all, but sometimes they are so big one feels as one is running into a wall of life instead of walking through a doorway to progress. Those big changes are also easier broken into smaller and more manageable goals.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
10 May 16
@just4him pastors seem to always be yes.
1 person likes this
@Jessicalynnt (50523)
• Centralia, Missouri
9 May 16
@just4him could there be one done over the phone? not as great, but at least something? Sometimes in a pinch that helps
1 person likes this
@just4him (323168)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
10 May 16
@Jessicalynnt No, it's better in person anyway. I have my new date set. Unfortunately it's the end of the month. It's a busy time for him. Not only the end of the school year, but he's a pastor too, so you know he's busy.
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (208846)
• United States
19 May 17
It is hard to humble ourselves sometimes to do what really needs to be done with our kids. Great pic of the dog by the way...it looks like he/she is smiling!
1 person likes this
@snowy22315 (208846)
• United States
20 May 17
@just4him Yeah, I feel like I need to apologize to my son in some ways..and it is hard to say. I will sometime. He is always making me mad though..
1 person likes this
@just4him (323168)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
20 May 17
Yes it is, and after re-reading this, as it's a year old, I can say I've mended some fences and built some bridges. My daughter asked me to teach her to sew, my oldest talks to me or visits me two to three times a week, and since I've moved since I wrote that post, I'm also seeing my youngest who was living with me at the time of this post, at least once a week when I do his laundry. Relationships are doing great at the moment and I'm hoping they stay that way. I also had the best Mother's Day ever this year.
That's Maisy. She's a great dog and nearly pushes me over when I go there.
1 person likes this
@just4him (323168)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
20 May 17
@snowy22315 I hope you will be able to. I agree, it isn't easy to apologize.
You know that's a raspberry - right?
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
8 May 16
I hope this works out for you. Consistency is very important.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
8 May 16
@just4him ...Good and glad to hear it. Hope that continues.
1 person likes this
@toniganzon (77137)
• Philippines
8 May 16
I'm glad you are that determined. Hope everything goes well.
You have a handsome grandson.
1 person likes this
@just4him (323168)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
8 May 16
I am aware no one is perfect, but I didn't need to emulate the problems I wanted to run away from myself. Only to be just like what I didn't want to be. So anyway, I'm doing it for me as well as my children.
