Can you get addicted to a bad situation?

@vandana7 (86410)
India
September 14, 2021 11:38am CST
Of late, I have started thinking and analyzing. Yeah, so I am unmarried, and childless, and folks around me ridicule me, mostly in implied way. Any reply to it would lead to fight and more fun for them because more hurtful words will flow out while I lose my dignity. Formerly, I used to run away from the situation. Its happening in job? Change the job. It is happening in neighborhood? Change the neighborhood. Sometimes, when there was no alternative, I did fight back, and lost. But that is not a solution, right? Whatever they said, remained in mind, and my mind reworked the scenario, bringing up replies so that they get the message loud and clear. More like Hindi film scriptwriters. LOL Now, I want to fight back. I end up ostracizing folks, letting them know why they have been ostracized. The end. No more hopes to be my friend once more. I feel they would not be able to tell others their trespass. If they do, another person will realize how they should not behave with folks like us. While it may be confusing for them, since the normal conversations start with how are your children, or where is your husband working or how many children do you have, I feel the society needs to be sensitized and made to behave itself. I am kinda enjoying my situation - it makes me feel powerful. Am I a pervert? Have I tipped over?
14 people like this
13 responses
@prashu228 (36138)
• India
14 Sep
I don't think we get addicted to bad situation ..at some point we may start thinking / realizing that it's not in our hands..we can't change peoples perception ..how the society thinks..when we realize these things ..we ourselves exclude from others.. Our society definitely needs to be sensitized and made to behave ..but i don't see that happening in near future...
3 people like this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
I feel I am enjoying the situation actually. Kiddo's mom sorta gave me ultimatum in an implied way, you want to play with my kids, you have to put up with my ma in law. I told her in implied way that your kids are not important...that was a shocker to her. In some strange way, I feel liberated. And able to laugh at them, kinda ..really? Do I really need your kids? Think again. Just because I haven't any does not mean I am missing not having any.
@prashu228 (36138)
• India
15 Sep
@vandana7 you are enjoying definitely... Our people ( no idea about other countries) believe that at some point ..as we age ..we need kids ...but it's not really true... there are people who actually don't want kid's..and it's fair enough... others should not interfere with that ..but It doesn't happen...
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
@prashu228 She sure was shell shocked. LOL Pleasure was all mine. I have finally found a way out. Laugh at them and their beliefs.
@kaylachan (25182)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
14 Sep
Sounds like you've accepted it. And, really have no plans to change it.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
Yes, absolutely. And what is worse is, I am kinda breaking traditional shackles... beliefs that women must miss not having kids, so others kids are extremely important to them, for showering the burst of love, for which they will tolerate ill treatment. I think not. Nobody is indispensable.
@prashu228 (36138)
• India
15 Sep
@vandana7 our ladies and gents will be like frogs in a well... can't really help..
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
@prashu228 The lesson is learned...unbelievable lesson. I repaired one family. That means at least 6 family members. Quite creditable. Same procedure will be adopted henceforth.
@m_audrey6788 (51787)
• Germany
14 Sep
Each one of us are different. Follow what your heart desires. Enjoy being you
2 people like this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
Thank you for understanding. Yes. I think I would have been extremely sad had my kid struggled to get a job to make two ends meet and worked as hard as I did. We are overpopulated, and jobs are indeed hard to come by. Competition is unprecedented. Life for the next generation here is tougher with each generation.
1 person likes this
• Germany
15 Sep
1 person likes this
@RebeccasFarm (42240)
• Wheat Ridge, Colorado
14 Sep
Yes relish your uniqueness Vanny to hell with the detractors.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
It felt good to close the door to being taken advantage of, being hurt for fun. It did not pain. In fact, I felt relieved that I stood up for me.
1 person likes this
@rebelann (89133)
• El Paso, Texas
15 Sep
Good for you. And to answer a question or 2, no you are not a pervert. You had every right to decide not to marry and have children. I did the same. But I do not know if you tipped over. Are you typing after tipping over? That is a feat that I could not do.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
I have had a very tough life. It was simply not feasible to marry at the right age. I cannot say it was my choice. Like all other people I would have liked to fall in the groove. But having children and bringing them up did scare me. In a way, I am glad god steered me this way, though it would be nice if god set right those who try to hurt me for my marital status.
1 person likes this
@rebelann (89133)
• El Paso, Texas
15 Sep
I do not know about your culture but I would hope you could simply ignore them and find the kind of friends that would accept you as you are.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
16 Sep
@rebelann Ignoring perpetuates such things I feel. Kinda... I feel it is like ... if a person is disadvantaged, he or she is a punchbag. If I am mad at my ma in law, I will restore my balance by hurting that punchbag. That makes me feel better, and my situation is not that hopeless. Can you understand that mechanism? That is what is working.
1 person likes this
@sjvg1976 (28809)
• Delhi, India
15 Sep
It's your life and no one should comment on it. Yes, you should fight or ignore such people who comment on your life and you. Do they give money to run your house? If not then they are not allowed to say anything.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
They are such snide remarks that over a period it becomes difficult to ignore. Mostly adopt me, adopt my child, whom are you writing your properties to, write to us, etc.
1 person likes this
@sjvg1976 (28809)
• Delhi, India
16 Sep
@vandana7 yes I can relate this to two of my cousins who did not marry. They had a good government job and had money, now when they both are retired they have no one to look after them. The only plus point is they stay together and a son of their one of sisters comes once in a while to are them
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
16 Sep
@sjvg1976 I think those of us who did not have children should be actually given more respect because we have not contributed to any competition in jobs for others children. Adopting is one way process. Unlike marriage where divorces are feasible. The person we adopt may not take care of us. What then? The situation will be the same. In fact, even own children can be nasty. I also do not approve of adoption under normal circumstances. It makes others start hoping that their child will be adopted. So they keep on trying for male child. Can anybody be better for a child than his or her own parents? I think not. It is, therefore, incumbent on people to plan pregnancies rather than have babies and give them away.
1 person likes this
@aninditasen (2877)
• Raurkela, India
15 Sep
I don't think you should think about this too much. Three of my husband's sisters did not get married. Only the one working as a teacher did not have to face any odd situation but the other two had to as they were not that educated. My mother-in-law had to face more awkward situations than them which had to be tackled and lived with.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
It is rather subtle ridicule that we go through many times in our lives that it is difficult to ignore. Colleagues ask what are you going to do with all that money. Mind screams none of your business, but mouth smiles and says, I have debts to clear. Neighbors ask you are going to give it all to charity, isn't it? An indirect question for are you going to write anything to my kids. Again we control ourselves instead of giving them the glare. Colleagues ask why don't you adopt my daughter? And call you selfish when you don't. Mind is saying...like hell, this child has both parents, who have enough monies to bring her up. This is greed, and selfishness. Had she asked me to adopt from orphanage, it would be understandable. But I absorb that selfishness. Colleagues say write your properties to us, we will look after you. Really? Colleagues call me selfish but I don't understand...I have looked after my parent. How many girls look after their parent? I can only do so much! Colleagues ask me .. write your property to my daughter. I ignore once, I ignore ten times, then something in me snaps. I would have but your daughter is ugly. Live with it. Oops...that is below belt. But well... it has been uttered by me. Guilty as charged. Colleague asked me .. adopt my daughter ... so I told her, you may fancy her I don't. She is dowry burden. Yes, I am bit chy too. Then she says she was joking...really? Why such jokes only with childless or unmarried? Latest .. neighbor prevents another from inviting me to their marriage... "she does not like it, I know - isn't it"...derisive laughter...really? When did I ever tell you that... When I told her daughter in law ..who works for Bank of America, the girl says ..my ma in law may have thought you are uncomfortable ..being unmarried. Then I ostracize the entire family. Lock stock and barrel. She comes up with message ... I think we are losing you, I don't know what wrong we have done... you are not showing any interest in saying hello to my children. Oh yeah, being childless means I should be dying to play with others children..it should be my body need. They may not like others children, the watchman's daughter or the servant's grandchild. But I have to like their children, and only their children. So I told the girl, I have played with many, your children are just two of them. Meaning they are not important. The message went home... Reaction was, the children had intimacy to you...as if I am the one that is doing wrong by not inviting them over. What her ma in law did was also justified saying...what is there in that aunty, when my widowed mother is invited for weddings, I stop others from applying vermilion on her face. So kinda..I stopped moving with her altogether ..told her, we are different, I have folks in my life who think like me. Goodbye. LOL
1 person likes this
• Raurkela, India
15 Sep
@vandana7 Just put a deaf ears to all such small talks. Actually these people are after your property and money. It happens everywhere where there is a question of money and property whether you are married or not. My husband has expired which is not even a year and my younger son's in-laws are after me to sell our house and get money out of it.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
@aninditasen Putting a deaf ear has perpetuated such things. Ostracizing, after letting them know why you are doing it, in plain language helps.
1 person likes this
@wolfgirl569 (47330)
• Marion, Ohio
15 Sep
You have gained confidence in yourself and learned that you are the one that decides who and what makes you happy
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
Yes, it does look like that. And for some reason it is undermining others. They are feeling ordinary and inferior after I have told them I do not have conventional needs.
1 person likes this
@wolfgirl569 (47330)
• Marion, Ohio
15 Sep
@vandana7 That is their problem. You have to take care of you first
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
@wolfgirl569 Exactly. Why have expectations that are not right?
1 person likes this
@moonandstars (54593)
• Zagreb, Croatia (Hrvatska)
15 Sep
you're right. words are pointless against those gossip feeders so, live your life like you always did
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
I found ostracizing the best solution to such folks. Make them feel like they are inferior in some way to associate with. Force them to reflect on their ways.
1 person likes this
• Zagreb, Croatia (Hrvatska)
17 Sep
@vandana7 reflecting is good for them
@xander6464 (25990)
• Wapello, Iowa
15 Sep
I feel the society needs to be sensitized and made to behave itself. -------------I feel the same way. I'm glad you're doing something about it.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
If we laugh at them for doing that as if they are inferior and we are superior - unfit to associate with them, intellectually or whatever, they truly feel helpless, confused, and inferior - irrespective of their social standing and financial standing. LOL. I realized this recently, and want to share with others who face the same situation as I. There is a reason I am needed here Greg. While my contribution may be nothing great ..I can in my own way help to change thinking in some. That in itself is good for my country.
1 person likes this
@xander6464 (25990)
• Wapello, Iowa
15 Sep
@vandana7 It's not just good for India, it's good for the world.
1 person likes this
@rakski (98746)
• Philippines
15 Sep
you are so done with them. Let them be.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
Yes, I am extremely done with them. It was like a carrot and stick. You wanna play with our kids, let us use your house. Then like icing is used on cake say we are like a family as if I don't realize what is happening.
1 person likes this
@rakski (98746)
• Philippines
16 Sep
@vandana7 I can only sigh. People or mostly families sometimes do not see each others values and worth (not all).
1 person likes this
@prinzcy (32878)
• Malaysia
8h
A woman, same age as my mom, once told me that at least she's married and have children. She won't be in the same situation as I am, unmarried, childless. She's married but as the second wife. That's her second marriage. She's not living with her children despite all of them grown up at the time. She's working at the stall I was dining in to support herself. She's not living with her new husband as well because the first wife never approved the marriage. She's hiding from her. I just look at her and quietly sip my drink at that time. I could've lashed out and told her all that but my mom was next to me. I was taught to respect the elder, despite she's not doing a great job respecting me.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
7h
I have often wondered which situation hurts more...children being neglectful or abusive, or stranger being abusive. I would hurt more if my children were neglectful or abusive to me, because I would have done much for them, and expecting gratefulness is natural. As far as strangers are concerned, they are under no obligations to be nice to me. It is easier to accept that. So in a way, I am better positioned at this stage of my life when compared to many others who have been ridiculing me. Accepting to be spare tire of the vehicle in another person's life is so dumb. LOL. Neither social respect nor self respect. LOL
1 person likes this
@LindaOHio (74859)
• United States
15 Sep
You should be able to live your life the way you choose and not be chastised for it.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (86410)
• India
15 Sep
I agree. Everybody has different sets of problems and responsibilities. I feel great I am not a burden on the society. I could very well be. There are many in this country who are taking help from the government. I am not one of them. I have also not dumped my parent in some old age home or mental asylum. Many have done that. Some have even beaten up their parents.
1 person likes this