What Can I Say to Our Dying Friend?

@thelme55 (76376)
Germany
December 7, 2021 11:54am CST
The day after yesterday evening, one of my best friends called and said that her husband is leaving her. I was a bit shocked as I have not expected that they will get a divorce. My friend cried and said that her husband is dying. I was speechless for a few minutes. My friend , her husband and their kids are like family to us since we are friends for almost 40 years and our kids grew up together. They live in the South of Germany, 3 hours from us now and I can’t go there. Her husband has liver cancer and my friend only told us when the time has come for us to say goodbye. She said we can call her husband. She said a palliative care will come this Thursday in their home. We (my husband, our son and I) are so sad that we don’t know what to say when we will call our dying friend tomorrow. I am out of words. I could just hug our dying friend but he is far away. What should I say? Goodbye??? Our dying friend seldom drink alcohol, eat healthy food and a very active person but how come he has this awful illness? It is unfair! Life is unfair. I hope he can still celebrate Christmas with his family. What would you say, if you are me? Thank you for reading. I hope we all stay healthy and blessed. The photo is my Advent candles.
20 people like this
19 responses
@DocAndersen (54413)
• United States
8 Dec 21
i am so sorry, that is a hard question both to ask and to answer. I would give him, and her, a George Bailey moment (From the Movie Its a Wonderful Life) showing how good the world is because he was in it.
1 person likes this
@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
Thank you @DocAndersen. I have not seen this movie but I will check it online and watch it. It sounds a good movie to watch.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
17 Dec 21
@DocAndersen I would like to watch that.
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@DocAndersen (54413)
• United States
17 Dec 21
@thelme55 it is my favorite holiday movie. It talks about the value of one life!
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@LindaOHio (153180)
• United States
8 Dec 21
I am so, so sorry. You have a difficult call ahead of you. I would say that I'm sorry to hear about the cancer. See how he leads the conversation. Maybe he will keep it light. Tell him you are thinking about him. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
He kept it light in our conversation through the phone. We talked about the good old days. It was a very sad conversation although we have not talked about his illness. Thank you @LindaOHio.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
17 Dec 21
@LindaOHio Enjoy your weekend.
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@LindaOHio (153180)
• United States
17 Dec 21
@thelme55 I'm glad you were able to talk to him.
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@Juliaacv (48236)
• Canada
7 Dec 21
I am so sorry. I feel that you will know what to say when the time comes. Liver cancer is a really hard way to go. I feel sorry for him and for her as she will be at his side.
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@Juliaacv (48236)
• Canada
16 Dec 21
@thelme55 I hope so too.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
Thank you @Juliaacv. We talked to my friends husband casually and we tried to hold back our tears. His voice sounded weak already. I really feel sorry for them. I hope they will still be together this Christmas time.
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@DianneN (246452)
• United States
12 Dec 21
Oh, how sad life is. I’m so sorry. I would definitely say my goodbyes and say how much love I have in my heart. It’s best to share fond memories at times like this.
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@DianneN (246452)
• United States
17 Dec 21
@thelme55 So glad you didn’t talk. Very sad.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
18 Dec 21
@DianneN It is indeed very sad.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
It is indeed a sad life at the moment. I just hope they will still be given more time for each other especially this Christmas season. We talked on the phone about our good memories together. Thank you @DianneN. I hope you are doing well.
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@JudyEv (323693)
• Rockingham, Australia
8 Dec 21
Oh, this is so sad. I don't really have any suggestions except that maybe you could say something along the lines of 'We'll always remember spending time with you/Christmas with you/ the time we did this, that or the other'. Sort of reminiscing about the happy times you spent with each other and how you've missed that since they/you moved away.
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@JudyEv (323693)
• Rockingham, Australia
17 Dec 21
@thelme55 Your friend would have really appreciated your calls.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
17 Dec 21
@JudyEv Yes, my friend appreciated it. We are chatting through messenger at the moment while I am mylotting.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
It is indeed sad @JudyEv. We have talked to them on the phone about everything but not about his illness. It was better for us all to talk about those good old days and the years we shared our friendship. Thank you.
1 person likes this
@nela13 (55684)
• Portugal
7 Dec 21
I am so sorry, this is so sad. It is difficult to know what to say, maybe you can start to have a casual conversation with him, tell him how important his friendship was in your life, that he is in your thoughts and will always be in your heart.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
17 Dec 21
@nela13 Enjoy your weekend
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
Yes, it was difficult to talk to him as I was holding back my tears and trying not to break my voice while talking. Gladfully, the sick friend managed to talk with us casually although he was trying hard, too. We wished him and his family a memorable Christmas. Thank you @nela13.
1 person likes this
@nela13 (55684)
• Portugal
16 Dec 21
@thelme55 I can imagine how hard it was to hold your tears.
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@snowy22315 (168434)
• United States
7 Dec 21
These things happen seemingly on a random basis. So sorry for your friend and at least you will get to say goodbye.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
7 Dec 21
Thank you @snowy22315. I will say goodbye.
@RebeccasFarm (84408)
• Wheat Ridge, Colorado
7 Dec 21
This is extremely sad Thelma I am sorry
1 person likes this
@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
It is indeed sad @RebeccasFarm. Thank you.
@BelleStarr (61050)
• United States
8 Dec 21
I think you should reminisce about some of the good times you have together, share memories. That brings the most joy at these times.
1 person likes this
@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
We have reminisced the good old days when we talked to them on the phone last week. It was hard though holding back our sadness while talking to them. Thank you @BelleStarr.
1 person likes this
@RasmaSandra (72527)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
8 Dec 21
Lovely Advent candles, Not much you can say just some comforting words and let him know he is loved and will always be remembered, I will put him in my prayers and hope he will still have Christmas with his family, Many blessings to them all,
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
Thank you very much @RasmaSandra. We have talked to them on the phone though it was very hard to hold back our tears of sadness. We wished them to still have a Christmas together.
1 person likes this
@1creekgirl (40176)
• United States
7 Dec 21
I'm so sorry for your friend and his family and you, also. There's no way to know what to say. Maybe talk about the warm memories you all have together. Just knowing you love them may help.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
My husband and I talked to them on the phone. We tried to talk casually but it was hard holding back our sadness. Our sick friend already talk so weak. I hope he can still celebrate the Christmas with his family. Thank you @1creekgirl
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@ZedSmart (19754)
• Philippines
8 Dec 21
That's a sad situation and I think, sometimes your presence being felt is more meaningful than telling something to a person in sorrow.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
16 Dec 21
I agree with you @ZedSmart. Thank you.
@CarolDM (203478)
• Nashville, Tennessee
7 Dec 21
I recently lost a close friend, actually like family to cancer. He was too far to visit. I did many face time videos and just told him I loved him and that he was always in my thoughts. That is all I would suggest to anyone. Just to let them know you are thinking of them. Of course this is a personal choice. Many times less is better. Sorry about your friend.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
7 Dec 21
Thank you for your advice @CarolDM. Yes, less is better.
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@CarolDM (203478)
• Nashville, Tennessee
7 Dec 21
@thelme55 You are very welcome.
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@JimBo452020 (42639)
• United Kingdom
7 Dec 21
I have no idea at all what I would say or do Thelma. Sorry to hear about this sad situation
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
7 Dec 21
The same with me @JimBo452020 that is why I posted this discussion. Thank you.
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@eileenleyva (27567)
• Philippines
7 Dec 21
In 2013, I had a friend dying with cancer. I visited her every morning and talked to her about everything. She was bed-ridden and could speak no longer. But she urged me to talk and she watched me and listened. She whispered thanks very softly and added that I was her mental exercise. Ha ha. Made me laugh. When you call your friend, speak naturally. Tell about how you are now. Then listen to what he has to say. Take it from there. If he says good-bye, you can answer good-bye. You know your friend, he understands his condition but would be best if you could gather strength from you. Just be brave.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
7 Dec 21
That was good that you were able to visit your friend every morning @eileenleyva. That was a good deed. Thank you for your advice. That helps.
@rebelann (110777)
• El Paso, Texas
19 Dec 21
I would imagine that the only thing you really could say is that you love him and hope he is not in pain. My condolences to his family and you for your loss.
@jobelbojel (34731)
• Philippines
7 Dec 21
Life indeed is unfair. I remember my uncle who just retired from PNP. He was not a drunkard. As far as I know he was eating good and healthy food. You can tell your friend that you are praying for her husband, to be strong during this life battle.
1 person likes this
@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
7 Dec 21
I have told my friend to be strong during their battle @jobelbojel. That God will help them to ease the pain that they are going through. Thank you for your advice.
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@MALUSE (69428)
• Germany
7 Dec 21
This is a real predicament. Maybe you could tell him that you're thinking of him and praying for him and his family in case he and you are religious people. You can also say that you wish him as little pain as possible and that he can still enjoy the Christmas time a bit. I think it wouldn't be a good idea to spread false optimism.
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@thelme55 (76376)
• Germany
7 Dec 21
Thank you very much @MALUSE for your advice. I will do that. His religion is Buddhism and he is already prepared.
@aureliah (24340)
• Kenya
20 Dec 21
It is very difficult when you know someone is going. You cannot even tell them goodbye.