Three months ago

@ElicBxn (62197)
United States
May 12, 2022 9:56pm CST
Three months ago, just before 1 in the afternoon I told Viv that I would be fine and she let go. This has been so hard. Yes, back in 1998 when Elaine died it was hard. This was harder. When Connie - Maggiepie - passed in 2017 it was hard, but it was also a surprise. This was a lot harder. When Mom went the day after Viv's birthday in 2010 it was hard. It was not a surprise, and while I missed her terribly, she had left us well over a year before. And this was very much harder. Oh, and it turned out I lied. I have not been fine. I have been very un-fine. I wish I had been telling the truth. When Viv went into the hospital on November 1st last year she had still been able to sit up for several minutes. By Christmas she could not. Soon she couldn't even sit up at 30º for any time. She was on the maximum dosages of the 4 medications that are normally used to keep a person's blood pressure up. Maybe I'll stop being so bad some day. Well, yeah, I probably will. I was depressed after Elaine's death. But this... this is not depression... this is not even coping... I really need to start doing stuff again, besides the bare minimum that barely keeps the household running... at least we didn't have another bad winter like last year. But there was that ice/snow storm that did prevent me from visiting Viv that one day.
8 people like this
8 responses
@LadyDuck (386459)
• Switzerland
13 May
I am so sorry you feel like that. I know it's not depression is a strange sensation.. The sentiment that life has nothing left interesting enough to enjoy living. The pain never goes, but I hope you can move on.
3 people like this
@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
13 May
I guess I don't think there is nothing left to live for, but to lose someone who you have had lots of good things together with and expected to do more... and she was younger...
1 person likes this
@LadyDuck (386459)
• Switzerland
14 May
@ElicBxn - I do not even what to think how my life would be should my husband die, we are together from 51 years.
1 person likes this
• Defuniak Springs, Florida
13 May
Loosing someone you love is never easy, even if you know they aren't suffering anymore.
2 people like this
@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
13 May
Yeah, I get that. I'm just so tired of the one who has to follow up afterward.
• Defuniak Springs, Florida
13 May
@ElicBxn It is a part of life unfortunately. We had a really good friend die of cancer a little over a year ago and it's been hard.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
13 May
@thislittlepennyearns yeah, that's what killed my friend Elaine and my father, but she was younger than I am. Almost exactly 7 years younger.
@RubyHawk (58961)
• Atlanta, Georgia
14 May
It’s terrible to lose your loved ones. My son passed away last year and last September my life companion passed away. I don’t even know what normal life is supposed to feel like. Many days I wouldn’t go out of my apartment if I didn’t force myself out to walk and to the gym. People tell me it gets better but I haven’t experienced it yet.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
14 May
I get that. If not going out was a new thing for me, I'd worry, but I wasn't going out a lot before all this. I did eventually recover from losing Elaine in 1998, but it took quite a few years. I suspect this is going to take a while as well.
1 person likes this
@RubyHawk (58961)
• Atlanta, Georgia
14 May
@ElicBxn I don’t believe we ever get over losing those we love. We just learn to go on without them.
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@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
14 May
@RubyHawk very true... and you can kind of make things easier, like with my parents - I knew I would outlive them, even when I was sicker than my mother for many years - I wasn't sick to the point of dying, I just was sick.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (143702)
• United States
14 May
You are such a good caretaker and friend to so many, and I get it about being the one who holds it together and picks up the pieces. Message any of us if you need to. That one storm, that one day, are one of many. You were there for many many visits and days.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
14 May
You are right, of course. And I read to her. I read to her from the book I was reading. I read to her a couple of the stories she wrote. I read to her some stories I wrote... I barely had much of a voice by the time she passed, but I'd've loved to have read more to her.
@dawnald (84787)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 May
I'm so sorry.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
13 May
I have to be careful on FB because the narrative has her dying on the 13th since the 12th is someone's birthday.
@BarBaraPrz (36613)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
13 May
Hugs hugs hugs.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
13 May
Thanks @BarbaraPrz... it has moments...
1 person likes this
@Kandae11 (44609)
13 May
When my sister passed in 2016 it was hard to cope, l still think of her every day and wish we had more time together - the pain never goes away.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
13 May
I haven't lost a sibling - yet. In fact, I saw my brother just this morning to sign some papers. I saw his wife on Monday... she's the reason he had papers to be signed... because I'm not coping well...
@AmbiePam (58855)
• United States
13 May
I can't imagine your grief. I'm so sorry.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (62197)
• United States
13 May
Thanks Amber... grief is hard when you are in the 'spectrum' and it doesn't sit on the head, but when you think about it, it sort of attacks anew.
1 person likes this