Would you consider dating your ex?

@IcyCucky (361)
United States
July 25, 2007 7:53pm CST
I am in a situation where I don't know if I should date my ex. He just got a second divorce and knows that I am still available so he asks if I consider dating him. My first response was no. I took in many factors about his life style and realized that I am a happier person without him. However, he is very persistent and I find myself weakening. Then when I think about how everything is with him, his personality, financial ruin, controlling, demanding, I back off. My head and heart are in a tug of war. Please offer your advice, suggestions, and guidance.
5 people like this
22 responses
• United States
26 Jul 07
HELL NO!!!! I divorced that compulive lying self-centered inconsiderate rat Ba***rd for a reason and anyone who knows him (or doesn't) should run as fast as they can and never look back at IT!!
1 person likes this
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
27 Jul 07
Wow, you have a very strong opinion...It must be nice to be able to always have a straight decision. I am sometimes, a push over as many people said before. Usually though, once I made a decision, I stick to it despite everything else. It's a hard thing for me right now because of the kids. I knew secretly they want to see their mom and dad together.
• China
26 Jul 07
actually~ you are confused whether you should date with him~ i think you still love him~ or you are lonely now~ you need someone to company with you or you need some love to fill with you life i think you should consider it serious and mak ea decision if you still love him you can have a try ~ because you guys are all available btu if you just want some one to kill time reject him`
@gmakesmoney (2923)
• United States
26 Jul 07
It sounds like you don't want to date him but are just tired of him asking and figure that saying yes well get him to shut up and leave you alone. I have exes like this and while at times I have said yes, I should've said no every single time. He's your ex for a reason, he's getting a second divorce for a reason and that reason should help you to know that you need to stand your ground, follow your intuition and tell him to bug off.
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
27 Jul 07
Oh yes, I am tired of this constant pressure. I had said no for 3 months now, but he is like a kid, whinning, whinning. You hit all the right mark there about his second divorce. Well, the old famous and popular phrase go something like this: "I make a mistake!" Thank you for your response.
• United States
26 Jul 07
After having an on-again, off-again relationship with a guy I dated, I have come to the conclusion that people become your ex-whatever for a reason. More likely than not, it's not going to work out now if it didn't work out before. Just remember the reasons why your particular relationship didn't work out, and firmly tell him no. Give him a list of reasons why if he persists.
1 person likes this
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
27 Jul 07
For me, I thought it might work out since we learned a lot about each other now after the divorce. I think I am more mature and different now than before. However, I can't say the same thing for him...That is the cause for my confussion. Reading all these posts, though, I have a better clarification.
@sr0415 (1140)
• Philippines
26 Jul 07
I say "Follow your instincts." But if ever you still decide to go out on a date with him, just guard your heart. And always, let your mind overrule your emotions. God bless!
1 person likes this
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
27 Jul 07
Oh, you are so kind. My heart is safe, for now. It is hiding under chores and responsibilities. I don't have time to do what I want. But I am a myLot addict now. I run to the computer every spare time I have to post and reply. It is fun, and on top of that I do see a few pennies in the earnings column.
• Philippines
26 Jul 07
If I were you I wont. Considering his personality and his lifestyle. And you've been there.I'm assuming the reasons why you're kinda hesitant is the same reason that your relationship did not work. If you start with it again, and lead to having a relationship again, do you see yourself going through the same ordeal? It's normal to weaken at this point, but shield yourself from further pain, be strong, put your head over your heart. You might just be lonely and vulnerable as well. . And who knows, he might just be on the rebound because he just got a divorce. I'm even questioning his intention at this point. You will find someone better. Ask yourself this...Do you see yourself going through the same pain again?
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
27 Jul 07
Yes, I do see myself going through the same agonies, pains, headaches, and depressions if we ended up together. Na, I don't think I can go through that again. It was just a thought I throw around in my head these last couple months. He has tried harder to get my attention, but I keep changing the subject. I learn a lot from this posting.
@razcal2267 (15577)
• United States
26 Jul 07
For me I would never consider dating an ex no matter how persistent they were about it. They are an ex for a reason! That is not to say that I would not have to remind myself of why there was a break up to keep myself from caving.
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
27 Jul 07
Thank you! That is my philosophy. You made a good point about having to remind myself about why we divorced. It came up sometimes when we argue, and I always feel relief that I don't have to live with him anymore. Deep down, I think I got the answer, but I just want to know other people's opinion.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
26 Jul 07
you've been here before. Deep down you do know what is the right answer for you. It seems as if you do anyway. In the end it is your choice. Hint...you said you are a happier person without him.
1 person likes this
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Yes, I had been there with him for 20 years before. That's why it's hard sometimes, since we have so much history, plus 3 kids. However, I think you are right, I know what the right answer is. There is not butt about it. I stay away as much as possible from him when he is around to pick up the kids.
• Philippines
28 Jul 07
I am so glad. One thing is clear... you do not need someone like him in your life. Based on your replies, I think you are happy being a mom to your kids. Having those kids is the best thing that happened in your life,I'm sure you would agree with me. The right one will come, don't look for him, let him look for you. Have a great life, girl!
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
28 Jul 07
Thanks for your encouragement. I do agree with you about the kids. They are the best in this life of mine. I am not looking for anyone, nor do I dare looking at anyone. I really like my simple life. I do what I want. I teach the kids how I want. We learn to laugh with each other, and cry with each other through all the tough time. Lots nicer with just the four of us.
@gwendovere (1283)
• United States
27 Jul 07
It seems to me that what you need to do is what *You* want to do. You are your own person. You don't need someone to badger you and tell you what to do. You might consider "just dating" ~ or "no strings attached" dating. I am very much for open relationships. Since it didn't work out for you two the first time ~ and now he has Divorce #2 under his belt, it's probably not going to work a second time. Girl, you're still young! Enjoy life! Don't just settle for anything or anyone. "You've gotta fight ~ for your right ~ to PARTY!!!" ~ The Beastie Boys
• United States
27 Jul 07
In any case ~ if you do get intimate with him ~ Please, Please use protection. It would be verrrrry bad for you to get pregnant & not know what to do. (Been there, done that!!!)
• Malaysia
26 Jul 07
love - nothing rules love and love rules all things
i guess there might be a solid reason why you guys broke up in the first place. if you realized that you are a happier person without him, then you already have your answer:) ..if you two get back together again, do u think you'd be happy together? do you think he can make me happy and would you be happy? do u still have feelings towards him? don't date him because he asked you to, it should be because of love and happiness:)
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
29 Jul 07
I don't have any feelings left toward him. It was wiped out after the divorce. He had badmouth me with his family and friends so much that he is now regretting it. I do, however, have to keep reminding myself that he is the father of my children and have to keep a friendly relationship with him for my kids. If I have a choice, I would be like a lot of people here, never look back, cut off completely. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with him often when it comes to our children.
• India
26 Jul 07
i genuinenly feel that u must say a 'sorry' appreciating his feelings for you...after all its a matter of self respect...as u realize that u r happier without him...u have moved on after breaking up...going back and again getting hurt is not such a good thing....so better you consider not to date him unless u r pretty sure that u can live without him....
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
29 Jul 07
I have live without him for more than 5 years. He had remarried and divorced during these 5 years. So sure, I am absolutely and definitely CAN live without him. As for self-respect, I am not sure if it is the case here. I think I have plenty of self respect in order to say no the first time he asked, don't you agree?
@kitty1234 (1476)
• United States
26 Jul 07
Always go with your gut feeling...You know him from the past and you know if he has really changed but remember to think before you leap. Sometimes we want to go back to the past because we knew the situation and it had a comfort zone. No one can make up your mind but you, but please be sure to think it all out first. Of course it is difficult when he is persistent, but hold your ground.
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
29 Jul 07
You are absolutely right about the comfort zone. Maybe that is it. Comfort zone, because I am afraid of being with another man? Afraid of failure, pain, uncertainty, and starting over? Whatever it is, I know it's there, with him too, not just with another person. Thank you for responding.
@alnilam (969)
• United States
26 Jul 07
well it also depends on how you two break up (i mean the reason why did you do it)... but anyway... if you realized that life without him is easier, well here is your answer! You are probably weakening because it is in human nature to be with somebody and you would like to be with somebody i guess. Heart just wants to be cuddled. Listen to your brain here.
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
29 Jul 07
We threw in the towel after 20 years of marriage because of the lack of money, his inability to improve, mama's boy, oh and a whole lot more reasons. Yes, sometimes, I would like to be with somebody like you said, but most of the time, I prefer to be alone. I like how my life is right now.
@tbatenga (105)
• Philippines
26 Jul 07
Personally, I never date any of my ex's, it's just how I am with relationships, once ended, I never look back. Based on the information given about his personality, I think any woman would be better off with a man who is controlling. It's hard unless you are the submissive type, but then again everyone has limits. Based on your experience with him, if you have already decided to say no, stand by your word no matter how persistent he may be. I am pretty sure you will find a better man, sooner or later, dear.
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
29 Jul 07
Well, I am the type that like to keep peace in the family. I sweep everything under the rug. Then after the birth of my third child, they were all catching up to me. I was in a deep depression, and had to go to the doctor for medication. That is when I realized I can't do this any more and pressed for the divorce. It had been hard, but I am really a happier person.
• United States
26 Jul 07
Well, i don't really know your situation...but from what it sounds like, he is very destructive. It sounds as though he is destructive to himslf and you as well. You should NOT go back to him. You said yourself that you are much happier without him. Why would you jeopardize that? Please don't be foolish. No i would never date any of me ex boyfriends. They are all ex boyfriends for a reason.
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
28 Jul 07
Reading your confirmation about what I feel is really a plus. Sometimes, we just need to hear others tell it like it is to reassure our own decision. Everyone here seems to agree on one thing: "They are an ex for a reason." Yes, that is so true! I had often tell myself that when I am in an unpleasant dealing with him.
@madzie09 (279)
• Philippines
26 Jul 07
That is a very crucial decision you will have to make. We are not sure if he really loves you or he's seeing you as a patch for his unsuccessful relationship. But if you wanna give it a shot. Start by establishing a friendship first, then maybe after you see his real intention then you two can both carry on what was left in the past.
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
28 Jul 07
Maybe you are right. I think he knows that I am still available and I was faithful to him while we're married and that some how a comfort to his mind. I am a safe path for him to fall back. That's why he asked. I insist that he should take time to heal his pain first. Maybe...maybe I will think about dating later.
• Philippines
26 Jul 07
IcyCucky there's nothing wrong dating your ex. It's only a date right? Enjoy each other as friends..
@IcyCucky (361)
• United States
28 Jul 07
Thank you for your positive outlook. It's hard to think that we can be friends. I still have too many resentments and pain when it comes to him. Maybe it meant to be. We are not compatible in relationship. Yes, knowing this, I still want to find out if dating an ex is ok. Crazy me!
@r0ck_r0ck (1956)
• India
26 Jul 07
well incase i get betrayed or some thing like dat, i wont care to date her, cuz the same thing might happen agian.
@missybal (4492)
• United States
26 Jul 07
I would never go back to an ex if they had since been married and divorced twice. And by the sound of what you wrote he would be bad no matter what other relationships he has had. I tend to believe that if it didn't work out the first time then it wasn't ment to be. It's one thing if the break up is sort of recent, like within a year or two max and there really weren't any serious relationships in between because then possibly it took that to show how good your relationship was before. You should never date someone just because they are keep hounding you to do so. If your happier without him then keep it that way. Really you will be doing him a favor too, because he already had two divorces and he really needs to find someone that really is more his type and since you and him gave it a go before and it didn't work, he should take that as a hint not to waste his and your time again.