christmas custody battle

@vera5d (4006)
United States
December 22, 2007 11:52am CST
every year for the past 3 years it has been the same thing: my sons dad wants him for christmas. this wouldn't bother me except: 1. his dad disappears for months at a time 2. his dad only sees him for 3 hours a week when he does see him 3. his dad only cares at all because his wife & mother think its important he sees our son to me, christmas is that one happy day you get to see your kids for all the other 364 days you get puked on in the middle of the night, have to fight with them to get them to go someplace, trip over their toys, battle over what they eat... i guess i just don't think his dad deserves to see him on christmas...i offer any other days that week - i have offered he take our son for full weekends, full weeks, etc. so its not like i deny him seeing him...he will not take him any of those times though. last year he fought with me about thanksgiving...i hesitantly agreed...then he didn't show up, so my plans got all messed up... oh well...just me venting...thanks for listening!
2 people like this
7 responses
• India
23 Dec 07
Your son's Dad sounds like a pest. What does your son feel about him? If he really likes his Dad and looks forward to seeing him, I feel sorry for this kid. The Dad sounds too irresponsible for the kid. If he does not like this Dad but still has to see him just coz his Dad's Mom feels he has to, then it is still not fair on him. The kid seems to be getting it hardest over here. Anyway, I wish you a Happy X'mas.
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
23 Dec 07
you summed it up! happy xmas to you too!
@mcjustin (82)
• United States
23 Dec 07
I can only imagine the stress you must be going through. Instead of enjoying the holidays, you have to prepare for a costody battle. As a chid I remember my mother used to say that having a part-time father was better than having no father at all. Having come from a situation much like your's I can tell you that in most cases that just isn't true. Has your son expressed his feelings about this? Perhaps you should considered getting your ex's visitation rights redefined. What about his parents. From what you say they're pushing him to do this. Can you negotiate some kind of agreement with them for the sake of their grandson? Situations like this happen all too often. You have to draw a line in the sand with your ex if you want to put stability and peace back in your lives. Good Luck!
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
23 Dec 07
i think it is probably overdue...thanks for the response!!
@sedel1027 (17854)
• United States
23 Dec 07
I know holiday custody can be tough. What I would do is modify the custody agreement to outline what happens during the holidays. If you can't afford this, I would get a piece of paper, types up an agreement, both of you sign it, get it notarized and have it placed on record with the courts (usually costs $10)
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
23 Dec 07
that is a great idea...problem is he wouldn't do it...he has to be forced to do anything...i am lucky to get child support
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
23 Dec 07
I remember those days! That is the only time my ex wanted the kids so he could look like a good daddy to his family. The other times they would sit with their little suitcases packed and he wouldn't show! But come a holiday he was right there and usually I let them go so they could have time with them. When they grew up though they remembered those days.....
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
23 Dec 07
i think that is really what its all about...to show somebody, and maybe even delude himself, into thinking he is doing his role of parenting, hahahaha. i always give in and let him drag the kid kicking and screaming to go (seriously, what kid wants to leave all their new toys santa brought to go with someone they don't trust?) hopefully this won't have any long term effects on the kid...i am more worried about it this year because we have a new baby...what if he thinks we are trying to get rid of him ? irattional i'm sure, but i wonder. oh well, thanks for the post!
@vivasuzi (4125)
• United States
22 Dec 07
It sounds like he is very unreliable. I would just tell him that he has to prove himself on the other days of the year if he ever wants to have him on the holidays. If he can't step up on a regular day, then you are right, he doesn't deserve to see him on the holidays. Just make sure you aren't fighting about it in front of you son, you don't want to make him choose sides.
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
23 Dec 07
we don't even talk enough to fight about it unfortunately...i always have to talk to him between his mother and his girlfriend...he doesn't even have a phone...so if i have to reach him i have to call his new mother in law to see if she knows where he is...i don't even have a work number because the business on the child support checks is an out of state one - but he lives & works locally with us. i try hard to be reasonable with him...but it gets harder and harder to do!!
@drannhh (15240)
• United States
22 Dec 07
This is sad for you, but most horrible for the children. My parents fought horribly most of the time and put their children in the middle whenever possible, which made us feel absolutely powerless. After all these years, I still have a visible scar on one hand from a knife my mother threw at my father and missed, hitting me instead. I didn't even know I was bleeding until my brother yelled out for someone to get a "band aid." I don't know how long I had been walking around in confused circles dripping blood up until then, but the floor was a mess. I think I was 8. Do you know, my dear friend Vera, it is not about what the father deserves or what the mother deserves, it is only about what the children deserve. Isn't there some way you can let your children decide and then honor their wishes? Even if they make the "wrong" choice, it seems to me that giving them this autonomy would be the best Christmas present you could ever give your children.
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
23 Dec 07
i try to let my son decide...he does not want to see his dad at all...usually he kicks and screams to go there...getting hard since he is getting so big!
@Rozie37 (15503)
• Turkmenistan
22 Dec 07
This is not at all fair to this child. If he made plans for him for Thanksgiving and then never showed up, that is totally unacceptable. Children look forward to those kinds of things and the disappointment could affect him for a lifetime. The next time he says that he will come and get home son, tell your son, maybe, but it is not definate. Sounds like the dad needs to learn responsibility. I would tell him no to Christmas. So that you don't have to ruin the whole day wondering whether or not he will actually show up.
@vera5d (4006)
• United States
22 Dec 07
i did try to tell him no this year...his mother started having a fit about how they have to see him...i think i will let them see him late christmas day...like after dinner time...but it really just makes me mad every holiday...when my son was smaller he used to kick and scream and would not go with him because he was like a stranger...now he's kind of adapted that sometimes he'll see him sometimes he won't so hopefully i've kept from getting his hopes up... it doesn't reassure me any that his new step mom has a tattoo that says cheeba on it (a slang term for weed)...