What would you do??
By Gabs
@gabs8513 (48686)
United Kingdom
March 9, 2008 11:52am CST
As most of you know I have 2 Children aged 20 and 23
My Son who is 23 is engaged, she is not perfect by no means but then who is, Nobody is perfect
We have been through a lot and my Son has been through a lot with her
They have now moved into their own Place and My Daughter moved into her own
A few times I have suspected things about her but I have kept quiet about it and never said a word, as I had no evidence of it at all
My Son has put up with a lot of hassle from this Lady as she has 2 Personalities and she is very Jealous
Please do not get me wrong I get on with her and I love her and I accept her
It was me who offered to move her in with us when her Dad threw her out 2 1/2 years ago, I then moved out and moved down South due to health and Happiness, also she was trying to put my Son between her and me which I would not let happen, I backed of, that is when she had her evil Side in her, when I moved out she did the same with his Sister trying to put him between her and my Daughter
Today I find out that she has feelings for another Guy apparently, someone she works with and who she has only known 1 Month,
My Son knows that she has these feelings as his Friend has told him, as she went and told his Friends Girlfriend
Mike has not told me and I have not told him that I know I am keeping quiet but I am worried about my Boy who is a lot like me and I have seen him go through the Heartache once before
Last Night she went out and did not come home, she said she stopped with a Friend
I can't say anything to my Son as I do not want him to know that I have been told what is going on
I am so angry with her, when she had no job last Year my Son supported her and it was hard for him and they lost the House through it
Now she has a Job and they have a Place and she does this even though she told me New Year she would never do it to him as she "loves" him more then anything
She is very good at lying though as I have caught her out many a time never said anything though
I have decided I am going to stay quiet until my Son tells me what is happening as I have no right to interfere
My Daughter will be keeping an eye on him to make sure that he is coping with this
They are close and Mikes Fiancee has never liked that as she does not get on with her Brother so she does not understand close Family it took her a long time to get used to it how close we are as a Family and she was taken into that Family but did not know how to deal with it
So what would you do
Would you stay quiet like me?? Or would you say something ??
24 people like this
38 responses
@blueangel51 (94)
• United States
9 Mar 08
I have a son named Mike also and he went through the same thing but he was married twice to her and she lied to us all the time and really her family had my son brain washed, he would never come around and bring his first son over because she said she didn't want him around us that really hurts now he has two boys from her and he got rid of her and he has the oldest one and she has the youngest but I don't see my son or grandsons and daughter and they live 45 minutes away and that really hurts me alot I cry from it but I say something to them they get mad and say the road runs both ways and they know we have no car. so I just leave it alone and someday I won't be around and they will be lost without thier mom. and I understand what you are going through really I do.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
Blueangel I am so sorry to read this
My Children and I are very close we live 3 1/2 hours apart but we see each other a lot they come to me or I go and visit them
That must be really hard for you and I am so sorry
I do hope they will come to their senses before it is to late
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26771)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
Hello sweetheart, that is very hard, because you don't know what to do for the best, in interfering or saying something you could cause a lot of friction and may come off the loser, not to say that your son would think anything less of you, but if you do stay silent you have to watch, feeling totally powerless and it becomes upsetting. All you can do is to support him, be there for him and be a shoulder for him. It's not an easy one I know I wish I could offer you more support and an answer. It seems she needs to stop taking him for granted, appreciate him more. It's so sad it really is, you and me both know what it's like to be in a horrible relationship and when we see it happening to others we feel that we are reliving it again through their eyes xxxxxx
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
Hi there Sweetheart yes it is hard and he knows I am always there for him I always have for both my Children and always will be till the Day I am gone
But yes I am better of staying quiet specially as he does not know that I know
Thank you Sweetie Love and Hugs xxx
1 person likes this
@weemam (13372)
•
9 Mar 08
If it were me and one of my boys pal , I would phone Mike , I would tell him I had heard what had happened , I would tell him I maybe didnt know all of the facts but if he wanted to tell me that I would be there for him if he needed me and that I loved him , then leave it to him , he might just want to talk to you but not want to worry you with it xx
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
Don't worry about that
He knows I will be here for him I will not say anything as he will get mad I know him
He will wait till he knows for definite and till he has caught her out
She went out last Night with "Workmates"
Did not come home and told him she stopped at a Friends house and that they didn't go out because "her Husband" did not want her to go out so they stayed at "her" House
I always tell Mike I love him on the Phone and he knows that
I am there at the weekend as it is Mel's 21st Birthday so I will see
Big Hugs xxxxx
1 person likes this
@Angelwhispers (8978)
• United States
9 Mar 08
Hello My Dear ((((((((((Wee)))))))))) just had to drop in and give ya a hug.
3 people like this
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
9 Mar 08
We have an ex-son-in-law who constantly lied even when it was not necessary to lie. It was like a compulsion with him. It was nerve wracking to try to deal with him or to even be around him. One very big key thing we learned was to KEEP NO SECRETS!! When he lied, we told him straight on that it was a lie. He believed his own lies.
Our daughter would not tell us what was going on at times. We knew something was happening because she became evasive and the grand child had behavior changes also.
The more we paid attention, the more we learn that there was verbal abuse going on in the home to our daughter and to our grandchildren. Also, there were numerous affairs. The man was out of control. His own parents disowned him because he was lying to them as well.
Our daughter was suffering in silence. When the opportunity arose, my husband point blank told this young man that his behavior would not be tolerated in this family. He should get help, change his behavior or get the h$ll out of our family as fast as he could. When all of his secrets were no longer secrets, it was not too long before he was gone with a divorce under his wing.
Our daughter and grandchildren are happier now. They are more at peace in their home. They do not walk on egg shells and live with fear.
My advice to you, my friend, BLOW THE WHISTLE ON THIS LADY IN YOUR SON'S LIFE. Let her know you know her secrets.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
I can't Royal
Mike knows and he has his reason for not telling me and I believe his reason is that he is watching her and to see if it is true
If I say anything he will get mad and I might just push him closer to her
Believe me in this Situation I am best to stay quiet till he comes to me and tells me
2 people like this
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
10 Mar 08
Stand ready for your son to come to you in his own time. I am sure he will when the time is right. Until then, don't pretend with her. Whenever you have the opportunity to put a bug in your son's ear, remind him he can always talk to you about anything. And any opportunity that presents itself to you, let that woman know that her secret is known and not approved of. The guilt will eat her alive or Gissi will. Now there is an idea. Let Gissi take a few bites out of her. hehehe Stand Strong, my friend.
2 people like this
@arkaf61 (10881)
• Canada
9 Mar 08
I will not get involved either twin.
YOu son is aware of the situation and this is something he has to think over himself.
I would even be a bit weary of giving my opinion if asked by him. I would have to really think before talking to make sure that whatever I said was unbiased and neutral - and that could be very difficult since he was my son. But just discussing the facts without allowing my feelings to interfere would be the only way I would discuss this with him if - and only if - he ever asked me my opinion.
Ohter than that, I would stay away.
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
Like me then
I know my Son and I know he will tell me in his own good time
I have been suspicious for a while anyway but again I am keeping quiet as we need to find out that it is all true and only Mike can do that
I think it is but I can not say for 100% and that is why I am keeping quiet to
Hugs to you
2 people like this
@Feona1962 (7526)
• United States
9 Mar 08
Hi Gabs...This is very tough...Is her Evil side really a split personality or is it just a temper tantrum and she uses it when she can't get her way?...You were very generous to take her in when she had no where to go...She doesn't seem to care about anyone but herself...From what I have read, I would say something to your son..That is only because you love him..If you didn't you wouldn't have taken her in, in the first place..This is only going to get worse especially if they have children...I just can't see this getting any better...It will be his decision to end the relationship, but at least you don't have this weighing heavy on your heart...hugs to you...
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
Hi Feona
No they have no Children
I would rather not say anything as I respect it that he will tell me when he thinks he needs to
Maybe he wants to make sure first that it is true
I know it will be hard not to say anything but I will not break my Daughters Confidence either
He does not even know that my Daughter knows
Big Hugs back to you
2 people like this
@Feona1962 (7526)
• United States
9 Mar 08
oops! I see now..sorry, I must have missed the part of your daughter knowing..please forgive me...I am in a dilemma of my own right now and it is killing me....i sure do understand what you are going through..I like to keep the peace also....hugs
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
9 Mar 08
oh Gabs you know me I would be right there and get right in the middle of it. this isnt right her doing this and I do know all that you and Mike have been thru with her also MEl too.
Oh yes I would tell her off and I do beleive that I also would tell MIke before his heart gets broken as it will if this keeps up.!
HUgs
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
I can't tell him though
He knows but he has not told me so he must have his reasons for it
He does not know that Mel knows either as she was told by one of his Friends so see the predicament I am in
I have to wait for him to tell me
And you certainly know a lot of what has been going on, you have been there when I have been in tears with it
I can't get into Messenger I will get rid tomorrow and download again
Hugs
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
•
9 Mar 08
In my experience, Gabs, men don't like to be seen as weak and they like to handle their own affairs in the best way they know how. That gives them status.
If he finds he can't handle the situation, I'm sure he will tell you, and there's also a chance that perhaps he is waiting to tell you when you arrive there next weekend. You're right, in your condition, and knowing how upset and protective you are over your kids, he doesn't want to tell you over the phone.
Mel has done the right thing in forewarning you, before you have the shock of him telling you. She only cares about her brother, and sooner or later, she's going to realise what Nick is! But until then, you're right. You have to let Mike handle things in his own way, so that he doesn't feel weak and smothered. He's a man now, and he'll appreciate your standing off. You know how's he's come to realise that she's not the person she pretends to be, so I'm sure he's made his own semi-decisions already about how to handle this situation. He'll come to you when he's happy he handled it in the right way, and you must praise him for his decision, whatever it is. In the same vein, he'll come to you if he has difficulty in sorting it out, merely for your advice, so I agree. You're right to keep quiet and wait for him to make the first move.
Love you. xxxx
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
That is what I am doing my dear Friend I know he will tell me when he is ready
But he is probably wondering why his Sister and me have rang him so much today lol
I didn't know that Mel had rang him as well
I will be ringing you this week as Mel has given me some dates
Love you xxxxx
2 people like this
@charms88 (7538)
• Philippines
10 Mar 08
Hi Dearie, I can understand where you're coming from. There are some situation in which we just simply don't know how to resolve. I wish I can give you some good words but I honestly can't.
I'm a mother of 2 girls, still learning to be a mother and I believe shall continue to learn 'till my hair turns gray. Maybe you can give it some time, weigh things properly and see if you should step in or not.
Sorry. I'm not much of a help. :(
@mummymo (23706)
•
10 Mar 08
Angel you already know what I think - you have to keep quiet until the lad is ready to talk to you and even then you have to stay calm and not bad mouth her (although she may well deserve it) as you need to let him work it out for himself! You know you can always rant to me if you n eed to let it out! I know it is difficult to see him being treated in this way and to stay quiet but it is for the best, I'm sure of it! He is a sensible man and he will deal with it well - as for the heartache, well he is your son and he will fight through it! xxxx
2 people like this
@olivebranch56 (910)
• United States
16 Mar 08
I know you feel like you should keep quiet but that is not necessarily the right thing to do. It would be hard on him to see her for what she is now, but how much harder will it be if they are married, and Lord forbid have children, and she does this to him. This happened to my son with his first wife, they were only married about 4 months when he called me and he was crying, he told me she had gone to the beach with his best friend, no less. I like you had my suspicions before they married, but unlike you I did not know for sure. I got involved after the fact, and pretty much sent her packing back to her momma and daddy, but by then the damage was done. Now he has a beautiful wife, and 3 awesome kids. I wish I had voiced my opinion before he married the first time, it would have saved my son a lot of heartbreak. A Mothers instincts are usually pretty much on point, and most boys will listen to and respect what their mom has to say, so I would a least approach him with it. Then if you see he is not receiving it well, back off and let him live and learn, but as his Mother you have the duty to at least try to help him see the light.
2 people like this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
10 Mar 08
He does know about the feelings she has for this other guy and so I'm sure he is preparing himself emotionally that something could possibly happen. I think you are right in keeping quiet at this point. I'm sure when he is ready, he will come and talk to you. At that time, he will need your moral support. I'll never understand how people can toy with others emotions in this way but it happens a lot...a sad fact of life.
2 people like this
@fairlady56 (82)
• Philippines
18 Mar 08
Hi, I've got 5 brothers and the fifth one got a girlfriend at a very early age. They were just 14 but it lasted until my brother finish college and got a job. The girl went to Manila to continue her study and find work while studying. At the same time to process her papers for the US. There's nothing wrong with their relationship and we are very close to her as well as her family. But somewhere, it went wrong. The girl got pregnant by another guy and left her. It was one of the saddest moment in our life upon hearing the news. My brother was really sad and so my mother that she keep on patting the shoulder and talking to him. That maybe they are not meant for each other. Why is it that some girls are really wild wherein they have the best guy in the world. Like everyone else, like you my mother is so affected by the relationship of their sons and daughters. Truly you have a very close family like mine. The best thing maybe is talk to her and happen to know what kind of person she is. Better that she get out of your sons' life .
@jglazier77 (13)
• United States
10 Mar 08
My daughter is only 3 but i already know that i would stay quiet like you. I know this because I have had so many complicated relationships like your sons and my mom and dad have known things like you and decided to stay quiet. I thank them for it now because in the end they knew things would come out and let me figure it out on my own and learn from my mistakes. This is the only way to truly learn, atleast I think. If you say anything he may think you are blowing things out of proportion or just exaggerating. who knows....but whatever he thinks will be for him to figure out if you let him find out for yourself.
2 people like this
@nannacroc (4049)
•
9 Mar 08
The only thing you can do gabs is to keep quiet and be there for your son when he needs you. You are a close family and he will come to you. It's very hard, I know because one of my daughters partners does not treat her well and I just listen and give her my support when she needs it. I try not to criticise him. He has never experienced close famiily and I think he feels threatened. Maybe your sons fiance is the same. Stay strong for him and be there when he needs you.
Take care.
2 people like this
@caramello (4377)
• Australia
10 Mar 08
I have recently gone through the "say nothing" when my daughter married her partner of 5 years last year. Now it is over after not making it to the first year and also now all the truth is coming out! She has never said bad things about him but the signs were there but as I thought she was "coping" I just treated him in the "normal" way. But he has huge issues which he has not or maybe never will deal with and she had been dragged down with them. Finally before Christmas last year I did notice she was starting to say aa few things but then she seemed to be coping. Well to my not so surprise, she was not. He was not coming home sometimes, although he played in a band, the hours did not add up.
And still I said nothing! But as I had been told it all comes out in the long run, if you can keep quiet long enough! Good luck!
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157873)
• United States
9 Mar 08
I think for now I would be quiet. I am glad he has a sister who cares for him. That is how my kiddos are as well. My son made lots of dumb romantic choices, in my opinion. I like the gal he married, and love the kids that came with the package, but there are times when I know she just does not understand, either. I would never think she would cheat on him, but she used to tell me that she thought he would cheat on her! Never! Through all the romance, and the down times, the best you can do is stay whole and listen and be there for him when he admits he needs you, or that things have gone wrong.
2 people like this
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
9 Mar 08
since you said your son already knows about it, it might be too painful for him to talk to you about it, so I agree just stay quiet until he brings it up, and if he doesn't he doesn't. It is his life in the end whatever way he deals with it including marrying this girl as well.
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
Yes I agree but as I said my Son is like me, but he has seen what his Dad has done to me and I know he will never marry her until he is 100% sure and I know he isn't so I leave him to deal with it he knows when he is ready to talk he can come to me and that I will be there
1 person likes this
@ItTakesAllSorts (4096)
•
9 Mar 08
Personally I feel you are doing the right thing.
It must be so hard for you to keep quiet, but as you have a good relationship with your son I am sure he will come and tell you himself when he feels the time is right.
My daughter's ex did confess to cheating on her, but I had to let her make the decision on what she should do. I am so over emotional I know I could have made the situation worse.
However, if you do see anything that is concrete evidence that she is cheating, then personally I would tell him.
I remember my partner saw my sisters boyfriend in a pub with another woman. I told my mum and she had the horrible duty to tell my sister.
It came out that he was cheating on her and she ended the relationship. If I had not said anything this affair could have gone on for alot longer and my sister would have been none the wiser.
I wish you luck in the decision you make, she does not deserve him!!
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
9 Mar 08
Thank you Sweetie
And I will be staying quiet even when he tells me I will be there for him but I will more then likely not say anything to her
For now he wants to deal with it alone which is fair enough and when he needs me I know he will come to me
1 person likes this
@byfaithonly (10698)
• United States
9 Mar 08
I would say something - but then I didn't go to my only daughter's wedding because of the man she was marrying - and I told her why. It was hard and she didn't talk to me for a time but oh well... If I know that someone is doing something to hurt someone I love I could not keep my mouth shut.
I know it's hard though as you don't want to hurt your son but more than likely this 'women' is going to hurt him far more in the long run.
