Divorce or Nay?

@tessah (6638)
United States
March 22, 2008 2:58pm CST
comment made on another discussion spurred on this train of thought for me, so i bring it to the masses. do you beleive that a person should stay in a marriage even if they are completely miserable just because of the whole "death us do part" phrasing of some wedding vows? love, honor, and obey till im dead, and you can treat me any way you wish? not bloody likely as far as im concerned. do those vows and little peices of paper filed with the government make you more committed to self destruction.. or no?
7 people like this
15 responses
• United States
22 Mar 08
I take my marriage vows very seriously, but I also recognize that they are 2-sided. There are responsibilities on both sides and if one person is treating the other poorly, they have already broken their vows. Having said that, I also think many people today jump into divorce quickly, without ever really trying to correct the problems in the marriage. Again, that usually requires both parties to make changes and put forth an effort. One person alone cannot save a failing relationship without losing themselves in the process. Once you have done all you can (discussing your feelings with other person/counseling/etc) to correct the problems, if the other person is still treating you badly, or they refuse to recognize there is a problem, then by all means leave. Also, in cases of abuse, I recommend getting out ASAP, regardless of if you have done all you can or not.
3 people like this
@tessah (6638)
• United States
22 Mar 08
would you take yer relationship just as seriously if you didnt have those papers legally binding you together ? or would you find it easier to leave and end the relationship without them?
3 people like this
• United States
23 Mar 08
For me, it is not just about the papers, but it has a religious aspect as well. I know not everyone feels that way so I did not mention it in my original post. Prior to marriage, I did put quite a bit into making a relationship work, but not to such an extent as counseling. I guess it all comes down to what marriage means to someone, is it just about a piece of paper or is it a deeper, religious commitment. I know several couples who are not married, but live as though they are (they do not share my religious beliefs and believe marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper) and they would put the same effort in to save their relationship as I would to save my marriage.
3 people like this
@tessah (6638)
• United States
23 Mar 08
thank you for yer honesty =o)
2 people like this
@emarie (5455)
• United States
22 Mar 08
well it really depends on the situation and if can be fixed. you shouldn't leave a relationship with any regrets and you should ALWAYS leave on good terms with your spouse so you know you've done all you can. I don't really believe in divorce only for extreme circumstances like abuse. If you're just having problems, then do whatever it takes to work it out. Both sides should try their hardest to fix things. And if even after that they decide they can't live together and be married with no love anymore, then and only then they should talk about divorce. BUT...when you add children into the equation things can get a little messy. Because if there are no children involved you can decide to never see each other again, but if you have a child with your spouse you will have a permanent bond with them and you NEED to have things on good terms because at that point there is more then just the marriage at stake.
3 people like this
• United States
22 Mar 08
It's not always possible to leave on good terms... when I kicked my husband out (finally), it wasn't even a possibilty. When you are abused physically and mentally for years, there are no good terms. But I do see what you are saying.. if it is possible.. it is the best route.
3 people like this
@tessah (6638)
• United States
22 Mar 08
i totally agree that if there are kids within the relationship, that both parties need to think of them first. they loved each other enough to make them in the first place, and shouldnt simply be forgotten about justbecause their relationship ends. i do not beleive people should stay together just "for the sake of the kids" it sends the wrong message and gives examples that will affect their childrens lives for the rest of it.
3 people like this
@emarie (5455)
• United States
23 Mar 08
i agree with both of you. being in an abusive realationship is something totally different from just not wanting to be together or just fighting all the time about small little things. leaving on good terms on for those conditions not abuse. and i do agree, a couple shouldn't stay together for the kids. it isn't a good thing to see their parents uphappy in a relationship because it will ruin their point of view on relationships and marriage when they become of age.
2 people like this
@filmbuff (2909)
• United States
22 Mar 08
If people, or some one is unhappy in a marrige they should leave it. Fifty years ago society may have frowned upon that, today though it's not the exception, but the norm. Plus if just one person is unhappy, chances are the other one is too. I see very little for people stay in a souless, loveless marrige just because of some verbage during a ceremony. It makes very little sense to me.
3 people like this
@tessah (6638)
• United States
22 Mar 08
me as well. marriage lisence or not..
4 people like this
@Chey1970 (1193)
• United States
22 Mar 08
Having been divorced, I guess I can easily answer with a "NO"! I wasn't willing to give up my life and happiness, due to words spoken by a "Justice of the Peace" or the piece of paper filed in the court. Sorry!
@tessah (6638)
• United States
22 Mar 08
sorry for what? im divorced as well lol .. second time around is MUUCH better!!
3 people like this
@radairc (98)
• United States
22 Mar 08
Sweety, you already know my stance on this :) It is refreshing to me to see so many responders putting their well-being ahead of a piece of paper...
2 people like this
@tessah (6638)
• United States
22 Mar 08
indeedy =o) on another discussion someone had said marriage was a promise to god to stay.. regardless. it annoyed the hell out of me, thus this topic was born lol
2 people like this
• United States
22 Mar 08
Gee... I dont remember promising god anything... just my husband. And he broke his promises to me, so I considered the whole contract null and void :) Overly religious folks seem to enjoy living in misery and blaming it on god don't they?
2 people like this
@tessah (6638)
• United States
22 Mar 08
oh.. added thingy.. there was also a mention that living together wasnt the same commitment as being married. that those papers were what made the difference. which i SOO disagre with.. people will either be commited to another or they wont, and papers wont matter a bit.
2 people like this
@kblakley (248)
• United States
23 Mar 08
Having been in a situation that I had to make that decision also, I have to say "no". Especially if like in my case the other person didn't take those vows seriously. I don't believe you should stay miserable for the rest of your life because you made one bad decision. We all make mistakes!
2 people like this
@eden32 (3978)
• United States
23 Mar 08
It's a hard question. I do believe that if you make a vow to God and to yourself, you should do your very best to keep that vow. But of course I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive relationship, or one that is devoid of love & affection. I don't think people take their vows seriously enough, if they did the US wouldn't have a 50% divorce rate.
2 people like this
@goergineo (1498)
• Jordan
22 Mar 08
I think that divorce becomes very important in cases where life becomes impossible. on the other side, I think those vows are so nobel. they should be taken seriously and may be sensing them may reduce divorce cases. however, when life become imopossible i think divorce should take place. best wishes
2 people like this
@kezabelle (2985)
22 Mar 08
No one should stay miserable simply because of vows they took, im sure most people who get married and take the vows do so thinking and hoping they can keep these for life, sometimes though this just doesnt work out no one should be left to be miserable because of that. Everyone deserves to be happy.
2 people like this
@Hatley (164036)
• Garden Grove, California
23 Mar 08
no I sure do not. I watched my mom suck it in and take my father's snide remarks for years as he treated her like a favorite child who was not really too bright but he loved her in spite of it blah blah the big problem was that he was thirty yearsolder than she was and he did treat her like a daughter. like he did me and my younger sister. she had courage and guts but not the right kind as she should have filed for divorce and found a man her own age who could treat her as an equal i am not saying my father did not love her in his own way but verbal abuse is still abuse and I used to want to say talk back to him and tell him you are not an idiot. she was probably more intelligent than he was truth be told.
23 Mar 08
If there are kids involved, it's a question of morality, but essentially I do not believe that your vows should dictate your future happiness. The other partner typically breaks his vows to begin with. His vow of "love, honour and cherish" is usually broken first, then she has enough and wants a divorce or vice verca. Where money is the cause, the complainant is usually the one to break the contract. I feel that some people tend to enter marriage without due consideration. It amazes me how people can take this step, make solemn vows "in the prescence of god", and then find it so easy to have a divorce if it all gets too tough. I return to my first comment of it being a question of morality, and it's not just a simple yes or no answer. I ask you : if there are kids involved, will your happiness result in their misery ?? A cheating spouse is another reason, but that falls into the category of the contract already being broken. Where there is a perpetration of physical violence, then the vows have already been broken. However, "falling out of love" with your partner is a weak excuse that cheapens marriage. So it's less of a question of vows and papers filed, and more a question of morality..........
@tessah (6638)
• United States
24 Mar 08
so, you think that its morally right to have yer children growup in an unhappy home..? give them a bad example of what marriage is.. ? and generally screw up their psyche altogether due to some papers filed with the court..?
25 Mar 08
Not to be argumentative, but there is a responsibility to make a marriage work when there are kids involved. Making them grow up in a environment of "emotional tug o' war" is even worse for their psyche. Teaching them that marriage is a union that can be broken on a whim. There is a high percentage of children of a divorce, that end up in the same situation in their married lives. Sometimes, the children even end up as emotional bargaining chips amongst bitter spouses. I'm sure there are people, reading this, that disagree with me and I respect their opinions. Love is also a verb, as opposed to a noun, so it is possible to make a marriage work. As I said in my earlier comment, physical violence is a more than valid reason for a divorce.
@moneyandgc (3438)
• United States
23 Mar 08
I am divorced. I don't believe that saying vows is reason enough to stay in a bad marriage and being miserable. Kids complicate the matter because nobody really wants their children to have a "broken home." I do know that I grew up with more than a couple kids that wished that their parents would divorce. All they did was fight and it was very hard on them. Even when they weren't fighting; they knew their parents were unhappy and the tension was bad. Some of these parents thought they were doing something good by staying together "for the kids." I know of at least two sets that divorced immediately after their kids went away to college.
@tessah (6638)
• United States
24 Mar 08
i knew plenty that wanted their parents to divorce as well. including myself. its better to have them split up and have two happy parents/homes, than to spend yer time in one thats miserable.
@havfaith (174)
• United States
24 Mar 08
This is my first marriage. I do not believe in staying in a marriage if your mierable. Depending on the situation I would try and work things out. But I could say honestly if my husband would cheat on me his clothes and him would be out the door before you know. There wouldn't be no explanation or anything. havfaith
@meljessxena (2319)
• Australia
23 Mar 08
i would not stay in a marriage if i was unhappy for any reason. i dont think fair on yourself, the person your married to or even if u have kids etc as everyone feels the strain and the miserable feeling. if your in a happy marriage etc then you follow the vows best as possible.
• India
23 Mar 08
for me marriage is not just about vows, its about being together. sharing and most important understanding each other. if two people are not going along well with each other i think they should get separated. but some people take these decisions too soon. its not everyday that you find the love of your life. relationships needs work to be done. no two people are same u need to make compromises but they should not be at the cost of your priorities in life. if you are not happy then you should get divorced but do give relationships chance..that's all how i feel.