Of lies and deceit.......

@arkaf61 (10891)
Canada
May 19, 2008 10:31am CST
I'm sure that many of my friends here in myLot have heard me - or rather : read me :) - stating that I don't lie as a rule.For many reasons and not only the "pure" ones LOL I found from very little that if I lie I tend to forget what I said really fast so further conversation will get me in trouble hehehe However now just a few days before my mother arrives I am trying to get ready to face the fact that I have been lying to her for almost 20 years and that although the few times she visited I was able to maintain the lies, I will not be able to do so this time. I've not exactly been lying in the sense of telling lies. I've lied by omission - which ends up still being a lie, of course. THe ones that know me, know that my mom adopted me from the time I was six monhts, and that my life was a wonderful one. I've also talked about the fact that money was never a problem and that my parent's financial situation was a very good one. I think I even discussed the fact that I refused any idea of inheritance from them because I knew that it might bring problems within their own family members which might feel entitled to it more than me, being real blood relatives.- Basically pride disguised as good intentions I'll confess. WHen I came here and my life changed so much, I never told my parents. It's true I never told them I was rich, but I never referred to any financial problems or the fact that my life was very different from what I had with them. At first, I could still afford to have more or less the same lifestyle. I would visit them often, I would tell them about the things I did here, I guess I wasn't exactly lying then, we started out with an ok financial life. But as lay offs started and things went worse I never told my parents. Even when they visited I was still able to present a certain financial ease that didn't exist but was still easy to pretend and maintain for the time they were here. True my lies - omissions - were a mix of not wanting to worry them and not wanting to admit that they were right in certain things. - ok! most things - It wasn't exactly with mischief in mind, but they were still lies. And I will still have to come about as clean as possible once my mom arrives, because there is not way to hide the fact that our life is not exactly what she might think. And still I'm planning to lie more - how dumb can one be? LOL - . Or omit, rather than lying. I don't intend to tell my mom about all the problems with my in laws and the way they treat me - not as much anymore, that will help :) And I know that this one won't backfire because with witnesses they always treat me oh so sweetly, so she won't find out about this one. I just don't think that there is a need to worry her with one more thing. Our financial situation will be plain to see, but the in - laws thing doesn't have to worry her as well. But now, thinking about it, I'm feeling kind of bad even though I still feel that I was justified not to tell. Have you ever lied to a loved one, even if by omission or for reasons that weren't really bad? How did you feel after? Did you ever come clean after?
2 people like this
9 responses
@drannhh (15002)
• United States
20 May 08
The concept of lying by omission is alien to my thinking. I just do not understand that as a form of deception. When disclosure is required, one must disclose. When disclosure is voluntary, one is supposed to have a choice. I would never ever allow anyone to lay a guilt trip on me for not having told them something, except under unusual circumstances such as these, perhaps: 1) If they paid me to tell them something and I accepted goods or money in exchange for my services. 2) If I promised someone that I would tell them some specific thing and then changed my mind without letting them know that I was no longer in a position to keep the promise. 3) If not disclosing was lawbreaking, as in the case of knowing that a woman's husband had hired a hit-man to get rid of her and I didn't tell her and/or the police. Haven't you ever looked somebody straight in the eye and said to them, "It is none of your business!"--?
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10891)
• Canada
20 May 08
LOL sure I did. Many times, but I used to tell everything to my mom. Just in this case I didn't. It's not even the fact that I didn't tell her, it's more the fact that I allowed her to think that my lifestyle hadn't change much from what it was there and I continued the lie while she and dad were here to visit but now I can't do it anymore. She will understand but I feel kind of bad because, i did use to tell her everything.
• United States
20 May 08
Arkaf, we do it because we do not want to worry our loved ones who might feel obligated to help us if they knew the real circumstances. yes we have all done this lie by omission. But let me ask you a question are we obligated to tell every aspect of our life? I do not believe so. somethings are person and a matter of pride, such as your treatment of your in laws. Perhaps you were afraid it would look unkindly on your husband. We are justified in keeping to ourselves things that we do not want to discuss.... Give yourself a break, everything will work out for you, and your mother. She will understand. I believe you can trust that.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10891)
• Canada
20 May 08
You are right, of course. And I know my mom will understand - she might be a bit hurt that I didn't tell her though, and that I didn't allow them to help. But I felt better trying to do things without going to them for help.
@vanities (11351)
• Davao, Philippines
20 May 08
im very open to my relatives and family especially to my husband..coz i guess in return i dont want to be also lied upon...honesty is what we practice athome atleast.. thats what i had taught to my children and hope that they really are... hiding or omitting some things in our life if we think that by doing so will not harm anyone or cant be solved as well by divulging and should be left as it is and let the time reveals..but i had one thing that i havent tell my husband( own savings account) i feel somewhat guilty about it but i guess when the right times i will tell him...its for our own good ...we are both impulsive spender ...
@arkaf61 (10891)
• Canada
20 May 08
Oh boy, I had that savings account thing once about 10 years ago. HUbby new about it but it was my account only. It was from the time that I worked at a hospital here and the closest bank was a different one from the one we had our account. WHen I left that job I kept the account, I thought it would be a good idea to have some savings kind of untouched. Funny thing when our marriage was on the rocks... one of the things he mentioned - negatively - was the fact that I had that account. Can't figure out why it bothered him though, whenever we needed something extra he always asked me if we had any on that account. Men! LOL
@Fishmomma (11538)
• United States
19 May 08
I think there is nothing wrong with omission when the other person really doesn't need to know the information. It sounds to me that your mother would try to help you with your money problem, but you want to show her that you can fix it. I can completely understand you don't want them to know about the in-laws treatment of you and I didn't tell my parents how my mother-in-law treated me.
@arkaf61 (10891)
• Canada
20 May 08
Yes, I didn't want help, I didn't want to need help. And I certainly didn't want her to worry about the in-laws thing. I know they will be in their best behavior while she's here, and that will be kind of funny to watch LOL
@polachicago (19143)
• United States
19 May 08
It is very difficult situation. I know where you are coming from. I think that your mother is not blind and she can see thinks as they are. I wouldn't lie or hide anything. Mother is always a mother and she knows without you telling her. Mother is the last person to hide anything. HUGS
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10891)
• Canada
20 May 08
Yes, mom always had this thing of knowing exactly everything. It's just that because we were so far away I felt she might not pick up on everything that was/is happening. RIght now I know she will certainly be able to see it but in a way I'm counting on the fact that she is 86 years old and might miss the worse parts. One way or the other I'm just glad that she will be here, the rest.. we'll talk it out.
@kerriannc (4282)
• Jamaica
19 May 08
My dear mothers and daughters has a bond even if we think that they do not know what is happening they do know especially if they are so close. Come clean with your mother. Tell her that you was afraid of letting her know what was happening. You will be shock to know what she will tell you. Do not be surprise tho that is what mother is all about.
1 person likes this
@arkaf61 (10891)
• Canada
20 May 08
You are so right! SOmetimes I could swear that my mom knows everything. But she has a very diplomatic way of pretending she doesn't unless I call for help.
@xParanoiax (7005)
• United States
1 Jun 08
I don't consider not telling someone something a lie. It's more of a secret or hiding a piece of the truth, rather than truly lying, because you don't say anything untruthful. When I do this, with family...then I usually leave clues, if they don't find them it's not bloody well my fault they're not very observant. I will lie to people I don't know, strangers, if it keeps me or someone else safe. I haven't any problem with lying...no remorse, or guilt for it unless it's wrong. Lies are fine when they're justified. But then I'm a private person, sneaky-ness might come natural to me, I don't know. As long as no one gets hurt, and it's rare I don't feel bad if someone does. I rarely come clean for lies I tell. I used to lie alot, but my survival depended on it back then. nd these days I only lie when it's really necessary. So there's nothing to say, in my book.
@gabs8513 (48803)
• United Kingdom
24 May 08
Sweet Twin I know I am late and I know your Mum is there now You did not lie you just did not tell her That can not be held against you as you didn't want her to worry I am glad that you have her with you now and I hope you have a wonderful time together Love and Hugs to you
@kg_gurl (220)
• United States
20 May 08
Hi arkaf. Yes, I have lied to my parents by omission. This is purely a selfish act on my behalf. I did it because Not only don't I want to hurt them but also because I don't want them to worry and asks more questions. I used to have an idea that my life is my own. It has only been recently that I learned to share with them and appreciate their input in my life. Anyway, going back to the lie I had, I felt really bad during the time I was lying and after it Although I'm still not sure if they found out or not but somehow I just let it go after it happened. I'm not sure if I would have been able to carry it out long but I don't think it's healthy to be keeping big secrets from your family, especially if your close. ~