Does your boyfriend or spouse compare you to his ex-girlfriend? Or, to his mom?

United States
June 5, 2008 1:11pm CST
Has your spouse or boyfriend (or ex) ever compared you to an ex-girlfriend? Maybe pointing out ways she was better or things she did that you don't do? Does he compare you to his mom and wonder why you can't be more like her? My spouse has never done this to me. But, I have a friend who swears that her boyfriend is always comparing her to all the other women in his life, including his mom and his ex-girlfriend. I don't think that I could live under that kind of constant scrutiny and critisizm. I'd melt! What would you do in a similar situation? What advice would you have for that person?
9 people like this
41 responses
@Shaun72 (15970)
• Palatka, Florida
5 Jun 08
My ex husband use to do the same thing to me. I think because he knew it would make me upset. I guess. Tell her not to let what he says about his ex girl friends get to her to much I mean. We can't all be a like. I think the worst was when he fussed about something I cooked. He would say that his last ex wife cooked it better.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 08
I'm glad that you have moved on. Of course I'd never wish divorce on anyone, but you are a good person and better off now, I'm sure. And, you deserve so much better than some dingbat who is going to compare you to anybody else. Be well!
@Shaun72 (15970)
• Palatka, Florida
8 Jun 08
Oh yeah as a matter of fact before I divorced him. He told me he made a mistake by leaving me. I told him well it is a little to late now. I hope I will find much better then that jerk.
• China
5 Jun 08
My bf doesn't do like that coz we are both the other's first.But recently I found that he always think about me in the way his elder sister told hm.His sister told him that she is also female and she knew what do I think and feel. Obviously,his sister is not me and her little smart thought feiled.Such things caused some bad effects on us coz my bf always follow her mind and think about me in the wrong direction. I've been tired of that and I think I cannot bear such things any more.
1 person likes this
• China
6 Jun 08
I can't at that You have to believe me
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 08
I don't know why guys ask for their moms or sisters opinions. Why do they think they will get an honest or truthful response about something going on in our head. The mom/sisters opinions will always be colored by their own experience and judgement. And, if they don't like you then they will only say things that would influence him negatively. So, it's not fair he would even ask for their thoughts on something you are doing. I hope your guy comes to his senses and realizes that you are a wonderful individual on your own and need no comparison.
@SViswan (12096)
• India
6 Jun 08
My husband has never done it directly. But I sometimes FEEL that he is comparing me with his mother. He talks to me about certain things he expects from me and the first thing that springs to my mind is his mother and that that's how she is!But when I tell him that's how I feel, he brushes it off saying that it's not what he meant. Maybe that's true...but I somehow feel he is comparing though he doesn't point it our by comparing it with his mother or ex-girlfriend.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 08
That's a really good point. My guy is also good at saying things in a subtle way and I "know" what he is saying. I just feel it. Even if he doesn't say so in words. Even if it's just an insinuation, it still hurts. But, when I confront him about it openly, he denies the whole thing. They call it, "plausible deniability". And, it's so annoying. If he has something to say, then i wish mine would come out and say it. Then, I could tell him how wrong he is. LOL! If he does go too far and compares me to anyone else, I remind him that I'm his best friend and those people are not. That puts the whole thing to rest.
@miryam (6511)
• Italy
5 Jun 08
in a similar situation? not succed but if do I not open door...I sleep and dont earn......Myryam
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 08
He should know betteer!~
@Ravenladyj (22994)
• United States
5 Jun 08
LMFAO OH HELL NO! and I'll tell you why...First off I'm like NOBODY ELSE...this is very true and both of them will testify to that as will many other ppl I know..and #2 if either of them (my bf or my hubby) were to do that they'd get a swift punch in the throat right quick I can't stand when partners do that to their partners..it makes no sense to me at all and its actually quite rude and disrespectful IMO..
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jun 08
Tee hee!
• United States
5 Jun 08
No. I had an ex that talked about his exes constantly, and it was really irritating. Usually he was saying that I was better about some things than them, or whatever, but he basically lived to complain about ex girlfriends. Talk about a turn off! I'm sure whoever's with him now hears lots of gripes about me now, and that's perfectly fine with me.
1 person likes this
@emma412 (1156)
• United States
5 Jun 08
I agree.... I could not be in a relationship like that. My husband doesn't so it unless he keeps it to himself. When we first started dating I caught myself mentally comparing a little thing here and there to my ex-boyfriend. But, nothing too major and it has been a long time since I have done that. If my husband did this it would make me so paranoid. Why would he constantly be thinking about an ex? And comparing me to his mom would just be creepy. I don't know how your friend deals with it.
1 person likes this
@shaggin (14160)
• United States
7 Jun 08
My husband doesnt compare me to others but I admit that I do it to him! He is super lazy so I'm constantly like my dad does this your dad does this but you dont blah blah blah. I know I drive him nuts and I try not to do it but its hard. He gets really mad about it and flips out but at the same time he will think everything his father thinks so I don't know why he doesnt work harder like his father does etc.
@patgalca (11977)
• Canada
7 Jun 08
I have to admit, I use my father as comparison but only when it comes to my kids. I usually say, "My father never let us talk to our mother that way." It is my attempt to get him to stick up for me and have our children respect us both. I can remember my father saying "Don't speak to your mother like that," or "Your mother worked hard to put this meal on the table". My husband, however, is a softie.
• United States
8 Jun 08
That's a good point. Some guys do have room for improvement.
@swirlz (3138)
• Philippines
6 Jun 08
No, I don't recall being compared that way. But I remembered an instance when I did something that reminded my then-boyfriend of his mother. hehe. It was making a list of finances. lol!
• United States
8 Jun 08
So, it was a nice comparison. That's not a bad thing. Being money minded and smart about finances is a good thing.
1 person likes this
@swirlz (3138)
• Philippines
9 Jun 08
Yeah, I guess it wasn't that bad. But it sure is annoying. I don't want to look like a mother just because I care about the finances... He just laughed at me, and teased me more.
@Elixiress (3897)
6 Jun 08
My boyfriend never compares me to his ex-girlfriends, most likely because I am a lot better as our relationship is currently 7 months and his longest previous was 2 months and many of them only lasting a couple of weeks. He sometimes compares me to his Mam, but that is usually when I am telling him to do his work, which his Mam as usually asked me to tell him as he listens to me, but not to her lol. It doesn't bother me.
• United States
8 Jun 08
That's sweet! I'm sure he doesn't mean it in a bad way. Guys don't articulate as well as we do, it's probably the only thing that pops into his mind. He knows how lucky he is to have you in his life. You're always fun to talk with.
@Elixiress (3897)
8 Jun 08
I know he doesn't mean it disrespectfully, he kind of looks up to his Mam although I have only got him to admit to it once.
@mummymo (23710)
6 Jun 08
I think if someone were constantly doing that to me I would have to cut them loose to find someone more like their ex or their mother - no one needs such undermining scrutiny in their lives and I cannot see it as a viable, healthy relationship! xxx
• United States
8 Jun 08
It's so true! That kind of critisizm eats away at a woman's confidence. And, I know that is the purpose. The other person can't deal with a mature and adult relationship so they reduce the woman to a lower level, so they can feel superior. I wish more women could see things the way you do. They would be happier.
1 person likes this
@mummymo (23710)
8 Jun 08
Thanks honey! It has taken a lot of years and a lot of problems to think the way I do but I always think at least I got through it all without being bitter! Hugs xxx
@Darkwing (21591)
5 Jun 08
If any man in my life ever did this to me, I would kick him into touch so fast, his azz wouldn't touch base. No... I'm sorry my friend, but this is verbal and mental abuse, and nobody but nobody should have to put up with that! The more your friend puts up with this, the more she'll suffer it! Brightest Blessings.
• United States
8 Jun 08
You are so right, my friend. And, I have tried to give such advice. But, some people take longer to accept the truth. (P.S. I like your attitude! Don't put up with jerks. Always good advice. And you're right, the abuse never ends if you just sit by and endure. Like a fire, it will spread quickly and consume all, if not put out)
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21591)
8 Jun 08
If I could do it here, I would put you on to an article I wrote on mental abuse, in Hub Pages, but I can't. Would you like me to send you the link in PM, so your friend can read it? I agree, it will spread, like a fire. Best to get out the extinguisher now! xx
@patgalca (11977)
• Canada
7 Jun 08
My husband has in the past compared me to his mother, the happy homemaker. I just tell him, "When you can be like my father, I will be like my father." That shuts him up pretty quickly.
• United States
8 Jun 08
Tee hee! Good one.
@applefreak (3135)
• Singapore
7 Jun 08
oh dear that's a very sad situation to be in. i'm so glad that my partner never did this to me. if the ex-partner is so good, then why didn't he stay with her? no one is perfect, and no one is perfect to deserve a perfect partner. we all have our own quirks and vices. as for your friend, i'd say ask her to start comparing his boyfriend with the man in her life. how some guys always have surprises for their girlfriends. how some guys are capable of supporting the family. maybe this will make him realise how bad she must feel when he does that. cheers
• United States
8 Jun 08
I'll have to remember one! It's so true, if the ex were so great, why aren't they still together. Perhaps he or she is just wishing to bring forward the good qualities and impart them onto the new person and leave the bad qualities behind. Perhaps a cure for such negative comparisons would be to bring up the ex's bad qualities to balance the equation. He says, "My ex cooked better than you. She says, "But she also cheated on you with your friends and lied constantly." I'll bet that would do the trick. Hair of the dog, they call it.
• United States
6 Jun 08
My boyfriend used to compare me to his mom but I got on him about it so he stopped. It got annoying. I'm glad he loves his om and is close to her but he puts his mom on a throne like no one else can be better than her. I started cooking meals after we moved in with each other and he always made comments like, "well my mom does this when making that or she uses this or she doesn't use it" well I cook differently than your mom. Everyone has their own way of doing things, doesn't mean its wrong. When folding clothes he says his mom folds another way,when I did his hair, he said his mom does it another way, when sewing, his mom does it another way. It made me so mad that I yelled at him and let off a rant about his mom and how he thinks shes so perfect. After that he stopped. I wonder if he knew he was even doing it.
• United States
8 Jun 08
That's a good point. Maybe he didn't even realize that he was making a comparison. I never considered that! If he stopped so quickly after you got onto him about it, then perhaps it was not a purposeful thing he was doing. I'm happy you pointed that out. Perhaps others will read your comment and take comfort. Be well.
@rennell1 (22)
• Trinidad And Tobago
6 Jun 08
well my husband, before we were married mentioned it once in an argument we had that he'll always consider his ex-girlfriend over me for everything JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T IRON A SHIRT FOR HIM. He's lucky that I'm still here today with his two children:) Every time I think about it I do feel hurt and really annoyed. My advice is if he did that more than once, MOVE ON, you're too blessed to be stressed.
• United States
8 Jun 08
I'm sorry he said that to you. Those little barbs sting a lot. I'll bet he doesn't even remember saying it. My guy does the same thing. He'll say something impulsively and then forget about it. And, three days later, when I confront him, he won't even remember having said anything. Some guys just say the first thing that pops into their mind just to win an argument. They don't realize that their words will be archived and thought about for years to come. If they did, they would choose their words much more carefully. (P.S. I hope he knows how lucky he is!)
@bellaofchaos (11554)
• United States
6 Jun 08
The minute the comparison would start is the minute the bedroom dorr would get slammed into his face or what ever door was closest and he would be spending the night on the couch. Grrrr. I am my own person I will not strive to be or act like a SO's ex's or mother. And would be quit upset to be told that their ex did this better or what not. my response would also be along the line of then fine go back to your ex we see how well that worked out don't we.
• United States
8 Jun 08
Yes, I'm right there with you, slamming doors! Mine is smarter than to do such a thing, but I am sure he has done so accidentally and been told otherwise. I can't remember now.
@teison2 (5931)
• Norway
6 Jun 08
My man does not do this. It would irritate me like nothing else if he did. I could not live with it. My advice to your friend is to tell him how it makes her feel, and ask him please to stop. If he slips up she should remind him. If it doesnot stop she should just remove herself from the situastion and hope he learns. If not she will have to figure out if he has positive sides that outweigh this. But I do think a constant critizism kills someones spirit and makes their lives miserable
• United States
8 Jun 08
Noone wants to feel they don't measure up in their lover's mind.
@athinapie (1153)
• Philippines
6 Jun 08
No he has never compared me to anyone. I don't think that comparison is necessary since each and everyone of us is unique and if our partners love us, they should accept us for who we are and for who we are not.
• United States
8 Jun 08
So true!
@naaadh (217)
• United States
6 Jun 08
No. My girl friend never compares me with another human being. She would compare my love with the stars, or moon, but will never compare me with another human. And i think its very rude if a person's spouse compares with that persons mother or ex-girlfriend, unless that is if he or she is telling you are better than his or her ex. My girlfriend dont have an ex-boyfriend. Im her first love and she is my first love. We are getting married soon.
• United States
8 Jun 08
That's precious! And, very heart warming. And, romantic! I hope your love lasts forever. It's rare, but it does happen. Best wishes on a happy future!