I am so stupid, I keep taking care of my friend and her husband because they...

@Loverbear (4928)
United States
June 7, 2008 2:57am CST
I am so mad at myself right now, I am falling into that same pattern of being used by my friend because she can't seem to manage money and figure out that she really needs to cut corners so that they can survive on their income. I got a call from her yesterday that she needs to keep some of the money out of what she was going to pay me back with. Her husband was in the hospital and I had to drive over 100 miles to pick him up and then bring him home. Then I ended up chasing around buying them groceries and other things that they needed, with the understanding that they would pay me back as soon as his big check came in for his disability. If it had been me owing my friend $60 I would have busted tail to get it to her as soon as I got the money in my hot little hand. It didn't happen. Then to add to the insult, I am driving them to his doctor's appointment for his post op check up, another 120 mile trip one way. I love her to death, but she doesn't realize that the money she borrowed is my food money for two weeks. I get less than they do, and have a car payment and rent also--plus loaning her money for their food needs. I seem to be able to keep my head above water. Of course I don't buy boneless skinless chicken at $2.25 a pound or roasts that sell for $5.98 a pound and will be cooked to death in a crock pot when there are roasts that she could buy for half that price per pound and still get the same results...I am just kind of sick of being used like that. I have been cutting myself short financially and buying 59 cent TV dinners so that I can get by. I also have been picking up odd jobs so that I can make sure to make the car payment...then when I happen to let it slip that I got an odd job when my friend calls her next two sentences are: "Did you get paid?" and "We are out of milk and....could we borrow $20 until payday?" Of course if I think about it, she doesn't specify WHICH pay day. I know this is a long and involved rant, it's just that I get tired of buying something and then feeling guilty because I spent the money for something I need or want when I know that my friend will want to borrow the cash... I feel like a total idiot!!! Anyone in my club?????
2 people like this
7 responses
• United States
7 Jun 08
You know Lovebear the power is all yours, and the answer to this when she asks is No, I have bills and responsibilities of my own to take care of. Tell her you are eating next to nothing because she has not paid you back. If she is a real friend she will feel bad. I am also the type of person that likes to help my friends out of tight spots, but my own family and my own responsibilities must be met first. I use to get taken advantage of quite often, but maturity and having gotten fed up has taught me to say no, and recognize when it is happening to me. You have all the power here, just depends on how much you will take before you have had enough.
2 people like this
@sanell (2114)
• United States
7 Jun 08
well if her hubby gets disability maybe they would qualify for food stamps too. I am ashamed to say that we have had to go on food stamps and it is the only way we are able to get out of this hole. We are in a huge hole. I finally bit the bullet, since I have a sitter I am hoping to find a side job here doing some claims and hope for the best. My problem is I can not do a full time job, I need something that is part time. But I have other things I do too. I am not sure what to do I think I need to do a weekend job or something.
1 person likes this
@Loverbear (4928)
• United States
7 Jun 08
NEVER be ashamed to say that you have had to go on food stamps. It isn't like you aren't trying to get a job or find some way to earn the extra money you need. YOU ARE TRYING!! My friend sits, and when there has been jobs offered to her, she refuses them. The missing part of the equation is that the lady weighs in at over 350 pounds!! I tried to get her to go on disability five years ago and she refused, figuring that she would find a job-but she never went out job hunting. Now, she has waited for two years to get on disability and is still waiting. I have discussed it with my BF, and done a bunch of soul searching the past couple of days. It is an eye opener when the friend can buy food that I can't afford. She goes to the thrift shop and impulsive buys and I have to measure my purchases in the respect of "Is it a want or a need?" I bought five pair of underwear a couple of days ago--to the tune of $8.00 and I felt guilty about it, even though I needed underwear. She also can order delivery pizza and Chinese food, which is something I couldn't afford or even dream of doing...so definitely there is a problem with the picture. They aren't eligible for food stamps in the state of California as he is on disability. She doesn't go for the cheap food or has the ability to figure out the cheaper way to live. I bought her a bread maker (used for $5 at a thrift shop) and I mentioned that she could make their own bread and use whatever she wanted in it. I was firmly told that she didn't want to take the time to put the ingredients into the bread maker...that it was too much work! I timed how long it takes to put the ingredients into the bread maker (I have one myself) and it took all of five minutes. I just reached the point of being depressed and fed up with having to hustle to make ends meet because of having a friend that keeps borrowing and then having my daughter, son in law, two grand daughters and the son in law's uncle live with me and not only increase my bills by 300%, run my car into the ground to the point that I was only able to get $800 for a $6000 car (they have come close to bankrupting me!) I have dreams and desires and definite wants of my own... and as everyone has proven to me, I do need to put a stop to the situation and think of myself for once. Please, don't be ashamed to be on food stamps. It has become such a stigma for people because of the abuse that have come to all of our attentions. You are in need of the assistance and there is no crime in that or need for shame because you need the help. I wish you lived in my area because I could probably fix you up with a part time job that pays under the table. The main thing though is keep your head high and remember that the food stamps are just a stop gap measure to keep you going until you get out of the hole. You aren't going to be on them forever and you aren't an abuser of the system. I send you a ton of hugs to help you realize that you are meant to keep your head up and feel good about yourself.
1 person likes this
@nupats (3564)
• India
7 Jun 08
i think money matters spoil good relationships..so where ur realations are very good dont spoil by getting money in between...i and my very close friend often lend each other money in case of emergency bcoz the ATM machine is far but very next day it is returned so tht such tensions are not built and we continue having a healthy friendship...in ur case i m sorry to say i think ur friend may b using u for her own vested intrests and i think it is high time u say NO to her and also ask her to clear ur old dues...tht will set all things right ..take care
1 person likes this
@guybrush (4661)
• Australia
8 Jun 08
Loverbear, this is SO sad ... these people are truly taking advantage of your good nature and using you unmercilessly. Awful as it seems, you are going to have to be firm. Fancy feeling guilty buying something for yourself because you feel you should be lending the money to your friend! These people are without conscience, and you don't need them in your life! It's all very well being a good friend, but as they say, if you give a man a fish he will eat it, but if you teach him to fish he will feed himself for life. Maybe you could try helping this woman to budget and get her affairs in order. Tell her you can no longer afford spare money from your own budget, and definitely DON'T tell her when you earn extra money! Don't feel like an idiot, because you're not - you're a lovely, generous woman, and these people have been very fortunate to have you as a friend. But now it's time to take control. Good luck!
@sweetdesign (5151)
• United States
8 Jun 08
Need to learn the word No it is a hard word to learn but necessary. I feel your pain cause I have been there. I opened the door to my daughter's friends and thier mother cause "they had no place to go" and the mother was supposed to help out in the house and bring in some income for them living with us......it never happened and it was a huge ugly mess that I found myself in. I ended up dropping out of college (I went back to school at age 27 I was in my third year at that point) and have the police come help remove her from my house. you are essentially taking care of two households when you can illafford to take care of yourself. You need to stop her from using you. Do it nicely but be firm an let her know you expect payment of what she owes you.
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
7 Jun 08
She's sucking your blood alright. What I find crazy here is that their income is actually higher than yours. I suggest that next time she borrows money, tell her you can't lend her again until she pays the last loan. It's a fair rule: Pay the previous one first before borrowing again.
@Hatley (164671)
• Garden Grove, California
7 Jun 08
Once you start helping someone like that they become dependenton you so best to back off a bit and let them know You are not Mrs. Got Rocks, that you do not have a huge amount of useable cash and you have your own bills to pay.You are going to have to have a straight from the shoulder talk with your friend and tell her just what you have told us. this has to stop. you should not have to keepthis family in food. then to have them not pay in back is ridiculous.