When should you cut ties from your ex?

United States
July 2, 2008 3:26pm CST
Once I heard about a woman who was still having to put up with her husband's ex-wife twenty years after they were divorced. And I wondered why the guy just wouldn't cut ties with his ex-wife. I suppose you will always have to be involved with an ex in the event that children are involved. But once those kids get older, surely you wouldn't have to see the ex so much. Or, at least could arrange to have them in your life less. What do you think? Should the new wife have to suffer with the ex-wife? When should a guy cut off ties with his ex-wife, assuming that kids are not involved?
5 people like this
20 responses
• United States
2 Jul 08
I would say when you and the new guy are started to get serious. Thats when i think you should cut ties from your ex. Now if you have kids together thats a different story you will be connected till the child is 18...
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Jul 08
That's so true!
@carlaabt (3509)
• United States
4 Jul 08
You will still be connected in some ways much past when the child turns 18. You will still have other functions that you both will attend ,like college graduations, births of grandkids, grandkids' birthday parties, etc. My dad and his first wife divorced in 1972. They still see each other at parties and things. They no longer have to keep in contact on a month to month basis, but they do still see each other a couple of times each year.
• United States
4 Jul 08
Thats is what i was saying that you will still see each other... i wasn't wrong....
@williamjisir (22912)
• China
3 Jul 08
Hello dear beauty queen. As to when one should cut ties from his ex, I think that it depends. If one happens to be divorced with a kid with his ex, then it is not that easy, absolutely not easy. Why? Because she has the right to come and see her child anytime and thus a special connection between her and her child is enhanced. Thus it is not avoidable that the husband not have any connection with his ex, the child's mother. This is part of my thought about this issue. Thanks and take care.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Jul 08
It's so true! The link between parent and child should not ever be severed. It's the natural order of things. A child misses their parent when they are gone.
1 person likes this
@TessWhite (3147)
• United States
2 Jul 08
I can't imagine staying in contact. In my family anyone whos divorced has no contact with the ex. This includes my parents as well as myself and MY ex. I do think it would be great if you could stay friends with your ex for the sake of the children while they are young, but constant contact once they are grown shouldnt be necessary. Right now I have a son in is mid twenties who is going thru a rough divorce. I would LOVE to be able to contact my ex (who lives in the same state as my son) and discuss everything happening. But, I can't because of a bitter divorce.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Jul 08
I hear you! The break ups are always hardest on the kids. In the ideal world the parents could get along and make it easy for everyone. At least, get along in front of the kids. Sorry to hear about your son's situation. That can be a really bad thing for a young person to go through.
1 person likes this
@foxyfire33 (10021)
• United States
2 Jul 08
I am the ex-wife. We will never cut ties and have agreed that if a current partner has a problem with it, they can be the ones to go. Our family was first, our friendship was first, anyone that can't deal with that doesn't deserve to be a part of our lives. I know every relationship is different though. If the ex's have a toxic relationship then I do think they need to cut ties as soon as they possibly can. New wives need to accept the ex though and realize that even though the husband loves them very deeply the ex was in his life first and for a good reason. I get along well with s/o's ex. We talk more than they do and I consider her a friend. That's a much more healthy way of dealing with things than "cutting ties" in my opinion.
1 person likes this
• United States
8 Jul 08
It's so wonderful that you have such a healthy relationship with your ex and his spouse. Certainly, such a relationship would be healthier for the children. I wish that more couples could be so harmonious during a divorce. Thanks for sharing the other side. As you say, your family was first before she came along, so why should you take a back seat just because he has moved on. Thanks.
@katsmeow1213 (24667)
• United States
2 Jul 08
If kids are involved, then it's a lifelong commitment. There will always be reasons for both natural parents to communicate about their child's life. Although if children were never brought into the marriage, then there is really no reason to keep in contact.
1 person likes this
@Rosekitty (19760)
• San Marcos, Texas
3 Jul 08
Hi Beautyqueen.... Well to be fair i'm still friends wih my ex's because not only do we share children together but grandchildren..so it really doesn't end till you pass away..its not that we call or talk alot, but at holidays or BD's for the babies we are all there so maybe this is the same reason these people are still in contact!
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Jul 08
I think when children are involved you cannot really ever cut all ties with an ex. Even older children will have some events in their lives that both parents will have to be involved. Marriage, having children, birthday parties, ect. most of the time the kids will always want to have both parents involved. It is a shame that more parents can not get along with the ex's to make it more enjoyable for everyone involved. If there are no children involved there should be no reason at all to have ties with an ex. At least in my opinion anyway.
1 person likes this
@carlaabt (3509)
• United States
4 Jul 08
I still keep in contact with a couple of my exes. It's not close contact, but I do still talk to them every once in a while. We don't have any kids, or any other reason that we HAVE to remain in contact, we just do. They were important to me at one time, and for very good reasons. The relationships didn't end badly, so there aren't hard feelings. I don't want either of them back, and never have either. I really don't think it's necessary to completely cut ties, unless one of you just wants to. If there are children involved, you will always have to remain in contact, whether you like it or not. My dad doesn't get along with his first wife very well at all. They've been divorced for over 35 years. They still see each other a couple of times a year, though. There are just too many things that they both still need to attend, for my sisters, and for my nieces. Your parenting responsibilities don't end, just because your children grow up.
• United States
8 Jul 08
That is a phenomenal point! And one I had not considered. Both parents would need to be in contact even after the children grow up. That is a give, I would suppose. Considering they will have to attend the college graduations and weddings and anniverseries. So contact would be unavoidable. Guess I was thinking about situations when one ex is hostile or vindictive and making it tough for the person to move on. But I guess it all depends on perspective.
@ellie333 (21030)
3 Jul 08
If no children are involved there is really no need to stay in contact but if there are children no matter what the age I think that contact will be maintained. An example of this is my ex-husband and I, we needed to talk to arrange our eldest daughters 21st birthday party and still do talk over situations concerning them. We don't see each other at all and it is just an odd conversation children related so it is nothing that the new wife should feel threatened by and if she is then that is her own insecurities and the last thing either him and I want is to be together again, no way. My ex-husbands first wife of over 25 years ago has in fact a become a good friend of mine and also still has contact with our ex-husband and they never had children together so I suppose it is different in every situation. It is what everyone is happy with really. Ellie :D
• United States
3 Jul 08
And, it's good that you have resolution and closure for your situation. I'm sure that it helps everyone involved!
@cyberfluf (5007)
• Netherlands
29 Aug 08
I think if the relation is bothersome and there is no way of making it better, then you should cut of the ties as soon as possible. If you have been making an effort and that person will not try and make an effort for the relationship then you are wasting your time and effort to a lost case. If children are involved you got to have at least a good bussiness like relationship to get good agreements on where the kids are every other day, weekend, holidays, etc. When kids get older they can do a lot more deciding and traveling themselves and you will need even less contact with your ex-partner. You need to focus on what's here and now, who needs your devotion and attention. That is your current partner, family and kids.
@chrislotz (8209)
• Canada
29 Aug 08
My husband, ex-husband now, who I was married to for 19 years, has children with his first wife. They are now adults as you would know, they are 23 and 26 years old. They are the most spoiled kids, and yes I call them kids because that is what they are, and they know which buttons to press when it comes to their dad, my exhubby. They use him over and over again and then they are not there for him when he needs them. He still talks to their mom, after all these years, and complains to her about the kids. She doesn't care and isn't going to do anything about them since he is her ex and she likes to see him do without because he gives everything to the kids. I got tired of it and of us having nothing because of them so I have finally left him. The last straw was two things, first he paid his oldest daughters tuition for one semester, maybe more I don't know about, because she said she didn't have the money to pay it. Now this is a girl that has been going to univercity for the last 8 years and still has no degree. So he paid the $1700 and not a week later does she come home with a brand new laptop. I was so angry and told her so and asked how she could afford to buy one when she couldn't afford to even chip in on her tuition. She said she could afford to buy one because she had the extra money since her father paid it. My husband was mad too, but didn't say anything to her. Then no later than a month later, his 23 years old daughter wanted to buy a house and she found one she wanted but didn't have enough money to pay for the down payment so there comes my husband to the rescue again. He gives her $3000 for her down payment and two weeks later she goes out and buys a dog for $1000. She had the money to buy a dog but didn't have any money to help pay her down payment. My husband the sucker came along and helped her and got used again. So he phones their mother, his ex, and complains and she laughs at him. How many times does he have to get used before he stops and smells the roses. Not enough time obviously, so I finally had enough and left. But it was still a hard thing to do.
@cynddvs (2950)
• United States
8 Jul 08
I would say once you get in a serious relationship it's time to cut those ties as long as kids aren't involved. I know I haven't spoken to my ex (with the exception of running into him at the store) since my husband and I got together. My ex and I have gone our separate ways and are happily married. And my husband pays me the same respect and has no contact with his ex. I just think it's disrespectful to hold ties with your ex if children aren't involved. Now if there are children involved that's a whole other story. I'm 27 and my mom and dady still talk from time to time.
• United States
8 Jul 08
I think that it is best to sever ties, especially if kids are not involved. If kids are involved, it is important to at least maintain a civilized relationship with an ex for the sake of the kids. But, if kids are not involved, I would get away from the ex. I think that it would be too hard to have an ex hanging around all the time, especially if one of you still had feelings for the other person. But one of my aunts and uncles are divorced, and they still talk and see each other at least once every 2 weeks, and they are fine with it. I guess it just depends on the situation
@tessah (6650)
• United States
3 Jul 08
if there arent any children involved.. id say as soon as the divorce was final.. it ouldnt be necessary to have any more contact.. unless of course the divorce was amicable and the two have remained friends. if there are children involved.. then there isnt really any time to sever ties. even when they are all grown up adults, there are still alot of times when contact is necessity.. birthdays holidays anniversaries grandchildren THEIR birthdays graduations special events etc. once youre a parent, youre a parent.. period. and that lasts a lifetime.
• China
3 Jul 08
Oh, I think it's a absolutely ridiculous situation. I look down upon this guy because since he had divorced from his ex-wife he should cut off ties with her thoroughly. what he did not only hurt the new wife but brought his family an embarrassment as well.
@Bluepatch (2482)
• Trinidad And Tobago
3 Jul 08
I guess you have to know where to draw the line. Some people don't cut ties because they don't want to and others simply can't. It all depends on the circumstances too. You don't want to be harsh with somebody you were married to. You do need, of course, to give the other person room to live independently again. The important thing is that you don't crowd the person if you're still around and if you're not then just leave them alone.
@subha12 (18472)
• India
3 Jul 08
i think when children are no longer involved. its better top cut the tis. it will make the new realtion more worse. also it will not be possible to live a hassel free life after that.
@ayessa (1586)
• Philippines
3 Jul 08
I think there is no right time to cut the ties on ex specially if you have a child involved in the middle. Cause once you did cut the ties it will be hard to a child to handle that situation. It was hard to him (the child) to accept the fact that he belongs to a broken family and now it is and added factor to see that his parents no longer communicate to one another. But if there's no child involve it will be much easier to cut the ties since its just the two of you. You cut the ties as early as you break up with each other. But in my case I don't see anything wrong to cut the ties with my exes cause they are all my friends and we are much happier that way and they don't do anything wrong with me nor with my husband. But it does concern my relationship with my husband Id rather cut the ties just to save my marriage.
• United States
3 Jul 08
if there's no kids and the ex is making trouble,immediately.when i'm in a new relationship,the last thing i want is an ex hanging around.mine or his.the current relationship should come first.
@lilybug (21183)
• United States
3 Jul 08
You would think that once the kids turn 18 then you will not have to deal with them anymore, but I have a friend who has been married to a guy for about 15 years and their kids are full grown who still has a problem with her husbands ex wife. She is constantly starting stuff and trying to cause trouble. They ignore her as much as possible, but she persists. You would think that after being divorced for close to 2 decades she would have gotten over the fact that they are not together anymore.