Talking to Other Women On-line..Cheating? Or Not?

@Wyldrose (1217)
United States
August 14, 2008 3:40pm CST
If you are married and your husband starts talking to other women online, would you consider that cheating? I have a friend whose husband did that exact thing. She thought they had a really good marriage..she was happy, he was happy..they got along great and rarely had an argument. Well the husband starting acting different and the wife couldn't figure out what was going on. After a lot of thought and then some debate, she decided to go into his email and see if she could figure out anything from that. Well, lo and behold, she found a couple of emails from a couple of different women. Of course she read them...Then, being computer savvy, she started doing some more checking around. She knew that he had two different email accounts, so checked the other one too. There were pictures of women and emails from them. There was also emails from a singles site so of course she checked that out too. And, you guessed it...he was putting an ad on a singles site. Well when she confronted him, he denied all of it. But got mad at her for looking at his personal email. Well after that confrontation, things seemed to go a little better but then she decided to check out the site that they had cell phone service with. Well this site had a list of all phone calls made and recieved and they were listed daily. There were numbers on there she didn't recognize so she googled them and some were...yep, you guessed again...other women. Women she found out later he met on the internet. Well they must of worked it out because they are still together, but I was wondering, what do y'all think? Would you consider this a form of cheating? He never actually "met" these women but talked to them on the phone and emailed them. No physical contact was ever made. But, still, he was doing this all behind her back and it really hurt her....
8 people like this
20 responses
@spalladino (17929)
• United States
14 Aug 08
Yes, it's cheating. It's a violation of trust, it's creating an intimate relationship with someone other than your wife...even if there is no physical contact. Anything that requires deception and sneaking around is wrong which is why you have to deceive and sneak around. I know someone who's marriage broke up over a relationship like this so I don't ever buy the argument that it's all innocent chatting and that it's completely okay. If my husband wants to have female friends online it's fine with me as long as I know about it and as long as he doesn't cross that line he knows he's not to cross.
3 people like this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
14 Aug 08
That's what I thought, too. If she had known about it, it may not of been so hurtful but sneaking around behind her back is wrong to begin with. If he had told her and been honest about it to begin with, it may not of hurt her so bad...If it had been me in that situation, I think I would of left his sorry a** high and dry..
1 person likes this
@shooie (4991)
• United States
14 Aug 08
Violation of trust the line was crossed when she looked in the e-mails and such. If she thought something was going she should of confronted him first in a calm manner. We set up rules and boundries for the internet and don't have a webcam. But you hit the nail on the head when you have to be sneaky is wrong. I have male and female friends online that I play in pogo with and such. Both sexes have called my house and hubby talks to them as well. I help them and they help me. But neither of us keep secrets. Only secrets we have are when we want to surprise each other.
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
14 Aug 08
Hmm..I didn't think of it as being a violation of trust on her part but you are right about that. She should never of gone into his email. I think, if it had been me, I would of confronted him and asked him what was wrong. I think her point was, that he just could never give her a straight answer and she got her suspicions up. Who knows really what she was thinking? It was a disaster no matter how you look at it and the fact that they are still together boggles the brain.
@shooie (4991)
• United States
14 Aug 08
The thing is you have to look at it this way as well. Is looking at playboy cheating? is the 1-900 numbers cheating as well? I met my husband online so ya I know what goes online. Does my husband talk to other women online he has in the past. Did I feel he was cheating on me? no. Did I check his e-mails no. Why? Because he told me and I have his e-mail address and passwords and he has mine but do we check up on each other no. Has a woman called my house or his cell yep. I was home when she did it and even talked to her. They were just friends. Played pogo pool and stuff online. I look at it this way I'm the one in bed with him not the women online. He doesn't talk to women online anymore he is in some go cart forum and a hot rod forum. I think open communication is what works for us and trust. When he is online I can walk in his lil office and he isn't droppin screens fast or anything because we don't hide anything from each other. Internet verses playboy and 1-900 hmmmmm...shrugs am glad they worked it out
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
14 Aug 08
I met my husband on line too but we have always been open and honest with each other as to who we talk to and what sites we go to. I'm glad my friends worked it out too, but I have to wonder if she really trusts him now.
1 person likes this
@shooie (4991)
• United States
14 Aug 08
I think when it comes to online the ones that met there know what to expect and know what kinda rules and such to set up. But I don't think I would of checked his e-mails because that was wrong in itself. I mean I have gone into my husbands to get stuff and he in mine. The only secrets in a marriage should be the surprises gifts and parties. How long you and your hubby been together since u met online?
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
14 Aug 08
Oh I agree. My husband and I met online and when we got together, we set our rules and boundries. He had female friends and I had male friends. We know each others email addresses but we don't look at each other's unless we ask. I am more than happy to let him look at mine cause I don't have a thing to hide and he is the same. I trust my husband and the feeling is mutual. We have been together for ten years...married almost seven of those years (in Nov.) How about you? How long have you been together?
@rbailey83 (1215)
• Canada
15 Aug 08
i don't know that it is a form of cheating because other than talk, nothing really happened, but it is very dis-respectful. If the conversations had just been general friend type of conversations i see nothing wrong with that, but when you get into the singles dating sites, and pictures are being sent back and forth, that just sounds kinda odd to me
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
Yes, I agree, it was very disrespectful. The singles site and the pictures played a big part in this. That's why I think it's cheating..not physically but mentally..
@rbailey83 (1215)
• Canada
15 Aug 08
ah yes i see what you mean, mentally yes, because i would have a hard time believeing that the thoughts didn't cross his mind a few times. To me i just don't see how you can really love someone and do the singles site and the pictures part, plus there would be the trust issue because once it has happened it will drive the other person insane with suspicion and always be checking to see if it happens again
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
Exactly...and that is what she did..she kept checking up on him. Although she says she has forgiven him, I'm not quite so sure but then that is between them. I just don't like seeing my friend so hurt.....
• United States
14 Aug 08
Yes this is cheating. A emotional affar is is just as bad as a physical one. Besides, he has no right to call other women when he is married... He is up to no good. Or else he would have included his wife in all of it... He would have been like hey 'Remember so and so That I spoke to online'.. well I sopke to her on the phone today,, about .. blah blah blah, But he hide it, all so he is guilty.
@shooie (4991)
• United States
14 Aug 08
yep when they hide it is when it is wrong. is like i talked to my husband online pool buddy which is a woman. shrugs
2 people like this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
14 Aug 08
Oh I agree...the first time he went behind her back and lied to her, I would consider that cheating and being up to no good. How can you look your wife in the eye and lie to her like that? She knew he was lying so how can she trust him now? She must love him an awful lot to stay with him....
@shooie (4991)
• United States
14 Aug 08
Well forgive once. Ya know the saying fool/hurt me once shame on you, fool/hurt me twice shame on me,three times there's the door. She should try spicing things up I am not saying what he did is right but there is something missing when a spouse or boyfriend and not only men do this now days. Something is missing so they look else where. Sad but happens. Is like my friend once said they don't get what they need at home they will look else where and that goes for men and women. Thats why i always say open communications can solve a multitude of sins. Thing is if she is going to keep bringing it up and not let it go it would have been better for a split and or if others bring it up or hash over it with her. They worked it out she says so it need to be like water under the bridge and let it go.
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8992)
• Canada
15 Aug 08
Perhaps this could be construed as a very good reason to never get married. There is nothing worse than a Jealous wife, and this emotion begins at the Wedding when she begins to feel that she Owns him, Heart Mind and Soul.I`m 75 in October, have been married to the same woman for 53 years and have been talking to women on the internet ever since I first got connected. My wife has known about this since day one and we have even gone together to meet with some of my internet female friends. God Help the Husband of a Jealous Wife!
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
You are one of the lucky ones!!! At least you are open and honest about it. I commend you for that. My husband and I are honest about who we talk to also on the net. We talk to the same people so there is no hiding there.
@shooie (4991)
• United States
15 Aug 08
barehugs....there's nothing worse than a jealous husband either...it's in both of the sexes not just the wife/woman. My husband and I have gone together to meet some of our online friends as well. I see it this way he can talk to anyone he wants cuz I'm the one in bed with him every night and well I know and he knows we aren't going anywhere. You and your wife have open communications and are proof it works. I hope one day I can say I been married 53 years,
• United States
29 Jun 09
test
• Philippines
15 Aug 08
Talking to women per se is not cheating for me.But introducing yourself as single and available is another thing.Also, what they talk about is highly relevant.If the man is flirting then that is cheating. There are no "white lies". There are just lies, plain and simple.I have some married male friends I met online and I'm glad that they put married in their profiles.It's not normal to have daily phone conversations with them. There is just an occasional (I do mean once in a blue moon)hi and hello but nothing more beyond that.Know what, most of the time men's alibis suck so it's relatively easy to catch them.
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
I agree with you...just talking and introducing yourself as single are two very different things. I think if my friend's husband had been honest and upfront, they wouldn't have had so many problems with this...
• Philippines
16 Aug 08
I hope men change but it is very rare to find an honest man these days.Sometimes, they beg for forgiveness only to repeat their mistakes after some time.Technology has made it much easier to cheat.While the advances make it easy to cope with daily living, it also wreaks havoc on relationships these days.There will always be good and bad sadly.
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
18 Aug 08
Yes...well said....thank you
• Philippines
15 Aug 08
ITs OBVIOUS, the husband is cheating! why would he wanna have to chat with other girls if he hadnt any intentions in them? and why would he deny such thing if he wasnt hiding anything from his wife?! there are just these man that arent satisfied of what they have, they tend to have more..I really HATE these guys who hurt women and CHEATS on them!!!!!!us.......
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
I agree with you..if he was happy in his marriage why would he be looking elsewhere? Maybe my friend needs to stop and look at herself and reevaluate her marriage with him and talk to him and figure out exactly what it is that is making him sooo unhappy...
1 person likes this
@shooie (4991)
• United States
15 Aug 08
yep yep look for new ways to spice things up is what we do ...fun fun. Men or women don't stray if things are going right in the home is why everyone needs to step back and take a look once in awhile and before stuff happens. don't let it fizzle and go into a tail spin then try to fix it. People seem to get lazy in the relationship aft 1 or 2 years in. Thinkin I don't have to work at it I got my man or woman. I love to dress up for my hubby and us plan a date night or he will do something small and romantic for me your marriage will last if you work at it. Can't be lazy and do nothing because then ya either the woman or the man is going to start missing things and then well you start havin problesm.....spice is the variety of life.
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
So true...my husband and I try to keep things new and fresh in our marriage too..It must be working, we are both still very happy.
• United States
14 Aug 08
I would consider that cheating because it you are married you should be talking to other women period... I think that is wrong for a man to be talking to other women while they are married espeacilly on the Internet that like they are trying to hide it..
1 person likes this
@shooie (4991)
• United States
14 Aug 08
I would rather have my husband talking to some woman miles away than meeting in a bar somewhere now wouldn't you? At least you know where he is
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
14 Aug 08
I agree with you. Hiding it and going behind her back and then lying to her about it would of been enough for me.. I'd of left him......
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
I agree.....
@nic_knick (741)
• China
15 Aug 08
I have read many things about this. some men do tend and hope to find some other women because he is getting tired of his wife and want to get some new things in his life. so he will cheat on line .. another possibilty that he is getting bored of his life. he wants to find something to do in his life. so he decides to go to the net and find sb to talk with. in this case. you don't have to worry about your husband. pay more attetion to what he did and who he talked with online. good luck
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
If he's bored with his life, why doesn't he just talk to his wife about it instead of going behind her back? I'm sure that now she knows, she is paying more attention. If she wants her marriage to work she will anyway..
1 person likes this
• China
15 Aug 08
They lack communication, I think.
• Malaysia
15 Aug 08
while a person is attached to some even if they are not married but they have already establish a relationship with the person, they should not have any undesired relationship with other people. What i mean is the relationship with intention other than freindship or colleague. if there is even a slight thought of going the extra mile with the third party .. IT IS CHEATING .. maybe what we can name as Cheating in First Degree and Cheating in Second Degree (like the murder) ..
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
I agree with you there.....
• Pakistan
15 Aug 08
This is really cheating.Honestly if this unfaithful act was done by her wife she was definitely on the verge of divorce.Man can do any thing even if this incident of yours friend was upto physical relationship she could forgive him.But if a woman even talks to man ,man get seriously abusing him .I do believe your friend should taught a lesson to your husband as for the punishment.So next time he could be aware of.
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
Well she forgave him but I don't know how long it will last...
@pehpot (4762)
• Philippines
15 Aug 08
Cheating means lying, he lied to his wife regarding that matter. He talked to this women behind her wife's back, and lied about it.
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
I agree with you...
@magojordan (3257)
• Philippines
15 Aug 08
Honestly I think that having friendly chats with other women online is not at all cheating but checking out singles dating websites and exchanging e-mails with them is a different matter. Event hough you told them already that it's just friendly, people will still look at it in a different way because singles websites are for those who are looking for a relationship right? Also if you are in a relationship why would you be looking for women at a singles site? Isn't that too obvious that you're cheating?
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
My thoughts exactly....
@fwangaa (3058)
• China
15 Aug 08
i have married also, but i also want to talk to somebody in the internet,but not to see them in the real-life,and i can do that since i touch the internet, only by curious. so i don't think it is a queston for your friend to find her husband touched with other gils in internet, and most of man will do that, and it is normal in taday, that's not mean your friend's husband doesn't love her again. my msn is fwanga@hotmail.com,do you have one? if you not mind,you can add me as your friend.
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
If I were you, I wouldn't go behind my wife's back if you want to talk to another woman. It will only cause heartache and grief.... I know this by watching by friend go through it...
@palonghorn (5492)
• United States
15 Aug 08
Big Red Flag........he had taken out a profile on a dating website! I would say, even if he didn't cheat on her, he thought seriously of doing it. And she should have had some idea from the emails and what type of pictures these women sent him, that he had at the least thought about cheating on her. Now if he was just chatting with other women, and they knew he was married and he made no point to try to hide that fact, there shouldn't be a problem. But, doing it behind her back and secretly, I wouldn't be so sure that he hadn't met any of them.
1 person likes this
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
Good point...I didn't ask her if she knew whether or not he actually met these women. Now that would be a whole nother ballgame...
1 person likes this
• United States
14 Aug 08
I would definitely consider that cheating. I mean hello you're married and you are talking to other women without your wife knowing. My mom went through the same thing and unfortunately, her relationship did not work out cause my father would have rather beem single. But it is not good for that to happen cause I think that can lead to cheating. Even though the guy says they are just friends.
@shooie (4991)
• United States
15 Aug 08
Wyldrose I had a friend that had a problem with her boyfriend of two years being on the internet and talking to women. I use to be on the phone with her and lordy she nagged the heck out of him all the time over stupid stuff. He went to the internet to get away from her. I know both sides of the story because well I started talking to him and we hit it off great. At first she didn't have a problem with it and them pow she didn't want him talking to me anymore. She tried to set traps up for me trying to see if I was "cheatingt" with him and when she asked me stupid questions I didn't answer because well I have a problem with stupid people and stupid questions. (I don't like em and I don't have time for them) needless to say he moved out. Thing we don't know what went or goes on in your friends house. We don't know how she acts behind close doors jsut like people don't know what goes on behind our close doors either. Is like when my friends have a problem I always say I can't take sides because I know there is two sides to every story. Well back to my lil rant. We found out that the she was okay when she had her guys to chit chat with and it was okay for her boyfriend to talk to girls but when her online "relationship" went bad he couldn't talk to girls anymore until she found her next victim. So your friend not wanting to disconnect the internet makes ya wanna say hmmmmmm what really goes on behind those closed doors when she is alone and doesn't want anyone to know. We don't tell our friends everything just what we want to keep them on our side.
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
Welll, that puts a whole new perspective on the story.. I never thought of that. Who really knows, she could be up to no good herself..Hopefully that's not the case cause I love my friend dearly, but you're right...you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Sounds like your friend was extremely jealous...too bad she treated her boyfriend the way she did....
@bugbaby (1789)
• Indonesia
15 Aug 08
that's depend to what they're talking about, but if they make a date maybe we should ask him or her.
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
Whatever her husband was talking to another woman about, she should of been in on it.. There should of been no secrets or denying it or going behind her back. That in itself is wrong.
@bunzor (303)
15 Aug 08
I personally feel that if they do something and either don't tell you or lie about it, then it's cheating. If they are upfront and honest from the start and you are okay with them doing whatever they've mentioned to you then it's fine.
@Wyldrose (1217)
• United States
15 Aug 08
Yes...exactly........
• Philippines
15 Aug 08
well, if he is not thinking about divorce or separation with his wife, i think it would be proper not to chat with other women. because i believe that if he's close to one or more ladies in net, i don't think he won't meet these people if it happened that they're just an hour away from each other...and if they will meet in person,we can call it literally cheating...so for me chatting with other women, is cheating because it can lead them to cheating someday anyway...no difference at all.