What do I do now? I Think My Husband is Going to Leave Me.

@Aurone (4758)
United States
November 15, 2008 12:40pm CST
My marriage has been a little rocky the last month. We moved to a new place and my husband got a new job. He went away to Sweden for training for 5 weeks and he has been back about a month. He has been complaining about the way I keep house, the way I look and the way I act. We have been married for 3 and half years. Now he found out about some credit card debt I accrued while supporting us while he went to graduate school and he totally flipped out! He didn't talk to me about, he talked to his father (who told him to leave me) and then he went to his parents house for the weekend. On Sunday he leaves for a conference and he doesn't know if he wants to stay with me when he gets back. He basically said he didn't know if he wanted me to be here when he got back. So basically, he is probably going to leave me without ever talking to me after leaving me in limbo for 6 to 7 days. I stood by him for 3 years while he was in graduate school (and he wasn't pleasant to live with) and now he gives up on me after a month? This just doesn't seem right. We went from ok to over in the space of 2 hours. So what do I do now? Any advice? I am afraid to call--cause I still want him to come home and I am afraid that it will make him mad. He has taken me off of Facebook so I can't leave him a message there. I have thought about emailing him but I am not sure if I should contact him at all. Help.
5 people like this
25 responses
• United States
16 Nov 08
damn.that's pretty cold of him-especially if the cards were used to his benefit. you had to live on something in the meanwhile with less income. if he's being that critical of you in total,are you sure you'd want to stay? i would leave it until he comes back (i know it sucks not knowing) and ask him one more time to tell you what's wrong.if he still refuses,there isn't much that can be done.calling him right now,he probably would get more angry though.
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
I don't think I will call. I did write him an email. He can choose to read it or not and its not invading the space I think he thinks he needs. I would like to stay cause we were very happy once and I see the potential to be so again if we can get through this.
2 people like this
• United States
19 Nov 08
true,it could blow over. i've known guys to act like that sometimes over something totally unrelated. they just don't know how to say what they're thinking.
1 person likes this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
20 Nov 08
He did finally call Monday Night. He hasn't said he is coming home yet but it is a start.
@etranger (126)
• India
15 Nov 08
dont take me wrong .... i think the whole problem is due to miscommunication, you should have spoken to him about all the problems before hand, (its better to be informed than to be surprised or shocked) the point here is we shouldn't think that since one has to study lets not involve him in the matters that will lead to his worry, i had a simlar problem hence am telling u this ...... here thoughts doesn't cout so please speak with him ........ dont discuss about the problem first ...... just casually chat this will definitely solve ur problem ..... dont be to ur self, a relation develops by communicating not just with proximity .... dont loose ur heart please be open with him and call him and talk more than just listening
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
I guess I really didn't think the debt would be a problem. I thought I would get a job and pay it off and that would be that. He has alway let me handle the money and has asked no questions. I thought he didn't care. He never talks about anything and this is the first time I have seen him even really mad and he has never left like this before. Things bother him and he won't tell me. I really don't know how to fix this.
1 person likes this
@etranger (126)
• India
15 Nov 08
thats the whole problem ... ego is a problem with most men so please call him and speak, what could possibly happen let him let out whatever it is then u will have a clear picture and u could plan for the rest later on ..... dont be presumtious about these things
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
I emailed him and he basically said he was done with me. I don't know what more I can do.
@sedel1027 (17868)
• United States
15 Nov 08
Personally, I would call him. The worst is that he won't answer the phone and you can leave a message that he will hopefully listen to. For right now, get yourself some counseling.
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
Its times like this I really miss all the friends I had to leave behind.
1 person likes this
@sedel1027 (17868)
• United States
15 Nov 08
I can understand that. I really could use a friend here today, but all of my close friends live out of state.
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
Mine are 8 hours away and I really miss them.
@sudalunts (5527)
• United States
15 Nov 08
I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I am having a hard time believing that he would leave you because of what you posted. While he was away in Sweden did the two of you communicate often? I can hardly believe that he would get so angry over the credit card debt, which was done to support him and enable him to accomplish what he wanted. Some times men are so selfish. You said he spoke to his father about this, is his mother still alive? If so, you should have a talk with her and let her know exactly what is going on. Don't leave it one sided. I suggest you email him, he can't just leave you hanging not knowing what is going on.
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
We talked to each other every day while he was in Sweden and he seemed to miss me while he was gone. But when he got back, he said I was negative all the time (and I tried to be positive) and that I didn't get a job fast enough (even though I had an interview the day I moved into our apartment and I have been looking, its just hard to get a job right now). He also said that I was fat (which I have gained some weight cause of a medical condition, but I started on weightwatchers once we got here and I have lost some weight) and he thinks I am not unpacking the house fast enough. We talked about all these things and I thought we were doing better. We were going to the gym together and spending the evenings watching tv together like we used to. Its like this unreal slap in the face all of a sudden and it seemed to be triggered by the debt. I don't know what is going on. His parents don't and haven't ever liked me. Talking to his mom will do me no good, they instantly take his side on everything and will actually encourage him to leave me no matter what I say. Thats the really bad part about it after he spends two days with them, I don't think I have a chance of him coming back.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18635)
• Jamaica
15 Nov 08
having read your commment here just emphasizes the fact that you need a lawyer.
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
Sounds like it doesn't it. I just can't believe this is happening. It feels so surreal.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Nov 08
I'm sorry for what you're going threw, but he's over reacting over something so petty. You seriously need to talk to him and ask him " So, you actually think throwing away our marriage after some credit card debt will fix everything?" Does he naturally give up on things this easily? It make's me wonder if he's seeing somebody behind you're back because of this sudden need for him to breakup with you. I would look into that also. Yes email him and tell him how you feel, you have the right to. You and him are still married and you do have some rights. He can't make you move out also,that's you're home! by law he can't. You need some legal advice. If you can't work something out with him pack up his stuff while he is gone and change the locks and put his stuff by the curb..lol
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
You know I can't really figure this out. He doesn't usually give up on things. I mean he did a six year PhD that wasn't easy for him. Besides if he divorces me, he will end up paying part of the debt anyway. And I don't think he is the type to cheat--besides we don't know anyone here and there is no one at his job that he could get with. I know he can't make me move out, I don't have a job since I moved up here with him for his job so I can't pay the rent on this place. I think I do need some legal advice maybe I will call some lawyers on Monday, especially if I haven't heard from him. I think if we split I will go home to Arkansas. There is nothing here for me and I think I need to be with my family.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18635)
• Jamaica
15 Nov 08
I am so sorry for whaht you are going through but this is my honest take on it. He probably does have someone else with whom he is communicating. Maybe from where you first lived. He definitely wants out of the mnarriage. You have to TAKE PRECAUTIONS NOW.If yo don't have enough money then max out the credit card a bit nore an dpay a lawyer. Legal advice is necessary. No, I know that you want to stay married but get advice. Put6everything down in writing before you go to the lawyer to save time and money and give hiom a copy of aaaaaaawhat you have written. He will appreciate this action. All personal info and what he said in detail. Speak and email you father in law stating you side of the problem and why these debts have occurred. He is making you look bad in the eyes of his father. He wants to do this. Email you husband in a very calm loving way and state that you want to discuss the credit card issue and why the debt is there. Don't take the blame. You have not done anything wrong. Ask your lawyer what to do re money in abnk accounts etc. he may want to go with everything. SIT TIGHT AND DO NOT LEAVE THE MATRIMONIAL HOME WITH YOR LAWYER'S ADVICE. You helped and paid him to get smart so now you get smart too. Lastly, I believe in the power of prayer but our God would want you to help yourself too. Do you have children? Gid bless you my dear.
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
Thanks for the advice. And luckily we don't have any children.
1 person likes this
@iskayz (5424)
• Philippines
16 Nov 08
Hi there! In my opinion I don't think you should contact him. First of all, its not your fault that you had accrued such a credit card debt if you weren't trying to support the two of you while he was still in graduate school. Did you told him that? I think you should tell for him to realize that he is partly in fault with the debts. I also feel that your husband doesn't deserve you. For three (3) years you supported him and now that he has a job he's going to leave you just like that. I can't be able to make you feel better. I know it hurts and he's your husband. But I suggest you go and find a job. So whatever happens, at least you can stand on your own. Take care!
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
Thanks. I have been looking for a job, I have a Masters in Biology so I am not hurting for education either. I am just trying to find a job in Community College and sometimes that is difficult.
2 people like this
@iskayz (5424)
• Philippines
16 Nov 08
Well that's a good move. I hope you get a good job soon. Good luck!
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
16 Nov 08
Oh Aurone I really don't know what to say and feel so badly for you. I scanned and read some of the other repliers and how they are urging you so legal advice but I would also try to get some kind of marriage counselor as well. I think he needs to be the one to open up to a professional of some kind as it sounds like maybe something is bugging him more than he is letting on and maybe the reason he seem to get bent out of proportion and make a big deal about the debt...It seems so strange since it sounds like you were "there" for him and very supportive of him while he went to graduate school. Let us know what happens okay? (((hugs to you)))
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
Thank you so much. I think it is a bit of a communication problem as a mutual friend called him today and it sounds like he was being bugged by some things I said that I didn't mean in the way he took them. I think I will try emailing him this evening as the silence is killing me. Thanks for your support--I'll let you all know what happens.
1 person likes this
@mindym (979)
• United States
16 Nov 08
I am sorry to hear that your husband is being a jerk. But I would just let him go. I know that it is easier said than done, but you don't need someone criticizing you, especially about the way you look. It hurts, but I think you would be a lot better without him. Someone better will come along. In the meantime, keep your head held high and stay strong. I once heard a little poem and it is so true. I don't know who wrote it or said it, but I am NOT taking credit for it. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be." I don't know that you would want him back, but I'm assuming you love him. So start out by setting him free and hopefully he will figure out what he is missing :) Good Luck!
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
Hopefully he will remember what he is missing while he is away at this conference. He is due back Thursday and I will be giving him his space until then.
1 person likes this
16 Nov 08
You know what was any of the credit buys for him at all to help him get thru school? If so then he has no right to say anything but help u pay for them. And as his parents are probably nuts. Sorry about the language thats just stupid to leave someone over.Are you sure he didnt meet someone else? Whose house is it that u live in? He just doesnt love u anymore it sounds like to me or if he ever did. Just keep ur chin up hold urself high and screw him. good luck
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
We have an apartment together that is an hour and a half away from his parents. I don't know what is going on in his head but hopefully he will let me know soon.
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Nov 08
He just doesn't sound like a great guy at all and really I think it's better for you to just get away from him. I know it has to hurt especially since you've stood behind him for so long and done so much for him but it just seems like he's a user and just isn't worth the fight. I wouldn't try to contact him at all, in fact that's probably what he wants, for you to beg him and plead for him to come home. Just let him be and let him leave if he wants too. He's not worth it and I'm sure you can do so much better.
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
Thanks. I appreciate the advice.
1 person likes this
15 Nov 08
I would like to help, but no one can think or say nothing to you, because that is a problem between you and your husband... Try and speak with him... there is always a solution..
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
I hope you are right.
1 person likes this
@barehugs (8992)
• Canada
15 Nov 08
There is more than one duck in the Pond. Join a gym, get in shape, make yourself available, get your hair done, and get ready to leave! Don't bother with him. If you get right around you might be able to get laid as early as this next weekend. Good luck and God bless!
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
Thanks for the encouragement!
1 person likes this
@MrsFrick (17)
• United States
15 Nov 08
I'm sorry for what you are going through, really I am. My husband and I have been through some hell, but NEVER would he criticize how I look. Personally, I say good riddance, let him go. Don't contact him & change the locks. Give him a taste of his own medicine. When a man is acting the way you portrayed your husband, he's more than likely found another woman, he's not going to be happy with you because he's going to have to this 'perfect' (facade) new relationship idea stuck in his head. I'm sorry to say this, I'm not saying any of it to be mean or cruel, maybe I'm just too realistic. I hope everything works out for the best. Try to remember that things happen for a reason, you may be heart broken and tore up by what's going on but all of this could make something amazing appear into your life.
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
Thats what my Dad keeps telling me, that everything happens for a reason. And you know it would almost be easier if there was another woman, but I really don't think there is, unless he met her in Europe. The weird thing is that we made plans--you know the kind of plans you don't make when you are about to walk out on someone. He already bought my Christmas present and a plane ticket to visit my folks with me over the holidays. And we were looking at buying a car--thats how the debt stuff came into play. All these things are things you don't do when you are about to leave a relationship. So I really don't understand whats really going on and he has remained silent.
1 person likes this
@tlb0822 (1414)
• United States
15 Nov 08
There seems to be a little more to his story. I don't see a man who really loves you, and has been married for you for almost four years would just drop you over a little credit card debt. It kind of sounds to me...this is just my opinion... that he may have found someone while he was gone for five weeks, and so now he needs to find something that you did wrong to end the relationship. This way you don't find out about his extra marital affairs, and you feel like it is all your fault. I'm not sure if this is the case for your relationship, but that is just my opinion. I hope that you two get a chance to talk and work things out.
2 people like this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
15 Nov 08
me too. I am not really ready to give up on us yet, but I may not have any choice.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
16 Nov 08
It sounds like your husband may be on the way out the door. The fact that he's not talking to you, has taken you off his Facebook and has said he didn't know if he wanted you there when he got back all point at that. Why he's acting like this is a mystery but I have heard of ppl that stick it out with someone who is helping them get through some kind of schooling...graduate school, medical school, ect...and then dumping them when they suceed. They suddenly think they are too good to be with that person. Not saying that is the case with your husband but just a thought. As for what you should do, I'd call him up and put him in the spot. Ask him point blank if he is wanting a divorce or what. It is better to know up front then to leave it hanging. Also in the event that he does want one, if you helped to support him through graduate school you might be able to get some of that support back as part of your divorce settlement. If he's not wanting a divorce then I'd talk to him about going to some marriage counceling. Which ever way it goes, just remember that you make the choices in your life. So make the ones that are going to do the most good for you. [b]~~MY OWN PEACE WITHIN~~ **STAND STRONG AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF**[/b]
1 person likes this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
I don't know if it that exactly. According to a mutual friend who spoke to him, he feels that I don't think anything he does is good enough. He seems to be taking some things I said totally out of context. He seems to have become super sensitive since we moved and I don't know why. And he never said anything. Right now I feel so lost. I love him but I don't think he is going to come home and it just breaks my heart. I emailed him and he basically said I was broken and he didn't want to fix me and I should go home. I won't do anything drastic until he comes home. Maybe some separation will do us good.
@twoey68 (13662)
• United States
17 Nov 08
Trust me you are not "just broken". He has some issues and although you may be one of those issues your not the only problem. I hope things work out for the best with you. [b]~~MY OWN PEACE WITHIN~~ **STAND STRONG AND BELIEVE IN YOURSELF**[/b]
1 person likes this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
20 Nov 08
I know. He called Monday night. Hopefully I can get him to come home. One thing that I have found out is that I have awesome friends. One of my friends from Southern California drove all the way up here (6 hours) to spend a couple of days with me so I wouldn't have to be by myself which was really great of her.
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
16 Nov 08
Aurone, Like two pillars supporting a structure - if one pillar is merely leeching strength from the other, then surely, after a period of time, it will be draining for the other pillar and wouldn't be long before the whole structure collapses because this is often an unrealistic model in Love. I cannot comprehend how, without first having that self love and seeking our identity, could one even move along the higher learning of Love? It's ridiculously simple - one, being a stranger to herself, wants to know a stranger better than herself? No wonder divorce rate are climbing and people are indulging into nugatory relationships, only to split for the SAME underlying reasons over and over again. This whole distorted perception and corrupted attitude towards yourselves hardly differs very much towards the relationship here. Speaking of nugatory, has it occurred to you that what he does not see as nugatory is being taken and seen to be so by you. I cannot help but assume that he is not comfortable with the way you handle the finances, personal grooming, dressing, perceptions and housekeeping. Despite repeatedly telling you so, I feel that your lack of attention and slow pace of things due to whatever reasons had not been communicated effectively to him. As a results, he sees it as a neglect, unlove and unappreciative at his end. Thus, becoming unresolved issues between the both of you. Have it overtime, - strains the relationship to the inevitable end. It starts to accumulate and like the once infamous Titanic, which took nothing of the warnings of iceberg hazards and overloading - eventually met her fate and you know the rest. It sank and claim a catastrophic number of casualties If you do not have the inner strength to take on such daunting challenges, I would suggest just forget about this whole thing because your relationship will never be a bed of roses until you overpower these unresolved issues. You got to accept this notion from now and work out your strategy based on this background for a start. Push on and make haste here for the minute you slacken - you will lose this war rapidly and your relationship will start to disintegrate like vampire to sunlight. Comparing to other 'conventional' relationship - it is almost like you have twice the area to defend, with half the troops available. You can choose to degenerate this relationship to societal pressure and appease the majority, but when your regrets start to sink in like viscous goo, nobody will share your emotional torment; you will live with the consequence of your choice. If the relationship must fail; let it be the will of fate... not the will of man. P.S. I would also recommend that if by chance the both of you are still willing - when he is "possibly" ready to rekindle the marriage relationship, DO SO ONLY if he agrees to complete a course of couples counseling with you. Unless you do, the both of you will just be likely to break each others' heart again. Take care.
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
Very nicely written. Thanks for the advice.
1 person likes this
• Singapore
16 Nov 08
Aurone, I sincerely hope that you could manage to talk him round it and save this marriage. Do remember this the next time onwards, "A need cannot remain unsatisfied for long - it turns into frustration." Take care.
• Singapore
16 Nov 08
fjaril, Well, thank you too and I feel flattered here. I think as in all issues, we really have to remind ourselves that there's always 2 sides to a coin and we have need to be objective with our views. Always trying to arrive at the best perspective so as to resolve the conflict or misunderstanding as effectively as possible. Take care and have a nice day ahead.
1 person likes this
@ketybhagat (4125)
• India
20 Nov 08
Its really sad that you have to go through this when you have stood by him all through his learning years. Dont give up, fight for your rights. Can you get a job here, even a small paying one which will tide you through this patch. Take legal advice, for Im sure he must have found somebody else to behave like that. Dont take it meekly for he will walk all over you. Give him back as good as he gives you, for maybe then he will seel you with a different eye. You have been too meek and let him walk all over you. Of course email him and ask him for an explanation. Good luck friend, you are going to need it in tons.
1 person likes this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
20 Nov 08
I know. But it seems we have been missing what each other wanted for a while now. We talked on the phone for a long time last night and we are going to try to make another go of it. Thanks for the well wishes.
• India
24 Nov 08
Thats the spirit. Dont give up. Work harder on your relationship. Change your appearance, anything to make him feel a new woman with him. All our prayers are with you. God Bless.
@rsa101 (13337)
• Philippines
24 Nov 08
That was really rude of him to do. It could have been an issue that you two can resolved as a married couple. I guess I think you deserved a better partner than him just thrashing you around like that. That is just not fair for you being out here waiting for him to come back then what do you get nothing but insults from him and his family. You don't deserve him like to treat you like that. Let him be the one to say what he wants not you because as far as I know you want him back but if he decides not to then don't force him back to you. Move on and perhaps there are better persons that can love you who you are.
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
24 Nov 08
I think everything he has a problem with is something we could resolve as a married couple. So I am at a loss to what exactly he wants. He doesn't seem to know at this point. I am just going to give him some time (and I am going to get some legal advice) and I guess this is one of those things where I just have to wait and see what happens. It will hurt me very much if we separate but I will be okay and I am sure there is someone out there who can love me the way I am and for who I am.
• Philippines
20 Nov 08
Hi, what you are going through i is very tough! especially if you two have kids. I don't know what good advice i can give you, but there is always the the best thng to do, PRAYERS. Ask for guidance and God will never give you any trials in life that you cannot surpass. I have also been separated for quite sometime, and now I'm doing very fine, people who supported me are my family and most especially it was God who made me this strong woman now. If there is a point in time that all you do is cry, do pray, ask for strength, guidance etc., and in a moment you will stop from cryng, it happened to me, so it will also happen to you. Goodluck and hope everything will turn out well.
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
20 Nov 08
My family and friends have been awesome. My husband is communicating with me know so maybe, maybe we can work this out. I guess I will have to see. Good luck to you.
• Philippines
16 Nov 08
This is a sad story and Im afraid I cannot give a good advice. Because I dont want to be giving an advice to something I really dont know. Im too young and havent experienced this yet, And I dont know the whole story. But I responded, just to tell you that what I have learned from experience is that, you should not let a problem over night. I mean, you have to talk about it before the day ends. Or before you sleep. In this case, The best thing to do is to talk to him sincerely. Thats all.. and dont forget to pray :)
1 person likes this
@Aurone (4758)
• United States
16 Nov 08
Thank you.