what are you supposed to do when you found out your son in law is cheating?

@Erssyl (617)
Philippines
November 17, 2008 12:54am CST
I would like to ask your good advice this time especially those who had encountered the same problem I have now.My son in law is cheating on my daughter who is now 6 months pregnant and in a very difficult situation.Her bag of water is leaking and she's supposed to be in bed rest with no stress.I found out from the sister of my husbands grand daughter of his brother and my son in law is still having an affair which we thought was over for a year now.Yesterday I found out from her sister that they are now living secretly.He is a doctor can I file a case against them.What move am I supposed to do now.My heart seems to be exploding from anger.Is it right for me to hurt him by giving him one big punch...Please share your opinion.
8 people like this
27 responses
• India
17 Nov 08
erssyl,first answer this question.are you completely sure that your son in law is cheating on your daughter?i didn't get the impression that you were sure about it.what would happen if you wrongly accuse your son-in-law when he may not be having any affair with some other girl?there may be a chance that your accusation might spoil the good life of your daughter.first make sure whether he is cheating or not.ask this same question after you confirm it.i will answer then.don't be hasty.good luck
3 people like this
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
18 Nov 08
Yes,because it was my daughter who caught them flirting.They reconciled back with the promise that he will stop his relationship with her niece.I do not want to make accusation without proof.In fact before they were caught in the act,I have heard stories but I kept quiet.I can't believe it can happen to them.They sent her home in the province.And we all thought that was the end.But lately the girls parents are looking for her.She came back in Manila and said she was leaving on her own.How can she pay a nice apartment without a job.They were wondering why she always elude them when they wanted to see the girl.
@zandi458 (27879)
• Malaysia
17 Nov 08
Oh no giving him a punch would create more problems. This is a very sticky situation as being a mother in law does not allow us to poke in the marital affairs of our children. I think you should have heart to heart talk with your son in law and ask him his stand? Since the wife is pregnant and he as a doctor is accountable for causing her stress. Demand an explanation and don't go overboard being a busy body mother in law as this might have some bad effect on their marriage. Give your motherly advise no matter how angry you are with him. He might need some kind of counseling from people close to him.
2 people like this
@zandi458 (27879)
• Malaysia
17 Nov 08
Oh I see it is a relapse affair. Since he comes from a good breed (professional) he should keep the good name of his family. Don't bother what he does as long as he pays for your daughter monthly maintainence. Just be nice to him and tell your daughter to keep her cool and treat him the best she can. Do not surrender as it paves the way for the other lady to unseat her. He will one day regret and come back to your daughter. In the early part of my marriage, I had a hard time with my husband who is a great romeo and when he is older now he got sick of his womanizing ways. My husband also went back to his ex during our marriage and I too nearly call off the marriage but it was aborted when my in laws came into the picture. Just pray and God will act in a mysterious way to save your daughter's marriage.
1 person likes this
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
17 Nov 08
Oh Yes punching him will not really do me good.I have tried to understand them as wide as possible.We had so many heart to heart talks.And I did not take any sides then.I don't want to ruin their relationship.I have tried talking to his father too who is a lawyer.I thought we had made arrangements last year he promised us to stop.We did not know till yesterday that I had a serious talk with the girls sister.If not of my daughter's situation now I could have made another wrong move again.Thank you for your time.I was enlightened.
3 people like this
@klaudine (3654)
• Indonesia
17 Nov 08
I would help my daughter to find out the truth. I know it would break her heart, but it would be better for her to know it as soon as possible. I would make her see with her own eyes, rather than me telling her about things. By seeing, she would believe what she sees. Or I think I should just let them go. I mean, when my daughter decided to get married, it means she is an adult and she knew what best for her. Because she is an adult, she has her own problems, and all I can do is offer my hand whenever she needs my help, but it is not me who is supposed to make the first move.
2 people like this
@klaudine (3654)
• Indonesia
18 Nov 08
It is bad... I am so sorry for your confusion. If only I could help more. I think the daughter is too convinced by the way this man talked to her. I mean, love is blind, and she was blinded by love. I really hope that she could stop playing blind ans started to see the truth. Don't leave her, she would need the family when she wanted to leave all that she is living now.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
17 Nov 08
She had found the truth.She saw it in her own eyes.They decided to send home this 22 year old granddaughter working for them in their clinic last year.I thought it was over trusting this foolish man.But yesterday things got worst as I've known from her sister that they did not stop.And they have been persuading her to go home but she did not want.Up to what degree can I help?To keep quiet still.And wait till the baby she is conceiving is born.I'm at a lost at this time.Seeking consolation is what I'm doing now.Thank you for your time.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Nov 08
This is a delicate situation. I wouldn't punch him as one of the other responses said that could lead her to side with him. Something needs to be done. What you might suggest is that your daughter move back in with you so that you can keep an eye on her pregnancy. You mentioned she is having problems. She shouldn't be left alone. In the course of her staying with you you could find a way to gently let her know what is going on. No matter how gently you tell her she is going to be hurt. Don't tell her in anger. That is not a good way to tell someone what you need to tell her. Just give her the facts and I would make sure I have proof. Don't put him down or talk about him in anger. Doing that puts her in the position of defending him.
2 people like this
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
17 Nov 08
That is why I'm crying silently at this moment.I cannot talk to her right now I'm very much worried with her present situation.I frequently visit her then,because of my my 3 grandchildren now I'm trying to avoid them because I'm afraid to discuss the matter again.And yes I don't want to commit the same mistake again.I don't want to get hurt much more.Thank you for you time.It has given me consolation.
2 people like this
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
17 Nov 08
DOnt know if you can file against him but I do beleive I would have a darn good talk with him and let him know you know and See if this scares him enough to stop you could threaten him with a law suit but think daughter wiouuld have to do it. Hope she will be ok in the long run
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
17 Nov 08
yes she will have to do it. as it seems like he take no afence to waht yousay. Your welcome always love to read your posts
1 person likes this
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
17 Nov 08
I had many good serios talks with him but seems not good enough to scare him.I cannot threaten him with a law suit.He seems to be immuned from it .In the end my daughter have to decide for their future and for the future of would be four grandchildren.It's nice to hear from you.I was looking forward to it.Thank you for sharing.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Nov 08
Okay at first i was screaming tell!tell tell tell!!!But then because of the pregnancy situation i say wait!Think of baby and moms best intrest...health and money.Yes money for sure,they are married and he should pay,he can afford it for the potential mother of his child.Get evidence!Between now and then gather as much as you can secretly.Private detective would be preffered,but there's nothing wrong with doing it yourself.As soon as the baby is born,tell!!!!She mine as well get over it as soon as possible and the new baby will keep her busy.Best of luck to her and baby.
1 person likes this
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
18 Nov 08
My first reaction was I felt numb.My whole body feels like burning with 39 degree fever.I beg the girls parents not to confront that dog right now because I fear for my daughters condition at this time.I don't have to hire private detectives because the truth always comes out.
• United States
17 Nov 08
Your daughter is important to you, not this a$$ who lies to someone you love, fhim over big time, catch him in a lie, let your daughter know, shes having his kid, she deserves a good life, thats horrible, screw him for all its worth. it is just simply NOT k for a guy to be f ing another girl when there is an amazing one at home bearing his child. men are disgusting.
1 person likes this
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
18 Nov 08
I do love my daughter and I hate to see her being fooled by that man.I was lucky to have good children but so unlucky to have a pig or a dog son in law.I pity my grandchildren if this mess will not be resolved for them.
@tammytwo (4297)
• United States
17 Nov 08
I'm not sure what I would do at this moment. But maybe you can just drop subtle hints or at least approach him about the matter. Tell him he has a certain amount of time to fess up to her or you will approach the woman yourself and make her admit it to your daughter. At this time she really doesn't need the added stress but it will hurt her even more if she finds out you knew and didn't tell her.
1 person likes this
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
18 Nov 08
Yesterday I was in a mess whether to tell her or not to tell.Now I'm getting some idea from responses I've got.At this time my heart ache is less.Thank you for responding.
@scorpio19 (1363)
17 Nov 08
Hiya Erssyl, how awful to find yourself in this situation, I'm very tempted to say tell your daughter but her being pregnant then no, you can't do that it wouldn't be right. so your next option I feel is to tackle him, I'm angry now, typing this I have a daughter and if a man was doing this against my girl, I'd sort it one way or the other I know I would.
1 person likes this
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
17 Nov 08
Oh yes I did not really expected I would be in this hurtfull situation.I depended so much on them that they are both professional doctors and matured person can let their family be so much disgusted with what he was doing lately.We cannot see the future.I'm afraid to tell her.I would just wait for her to open up with this matter.Thank you for sharing.
1 person likes this
@mohommed (60)
• India
17 Nov 08
Hi Erssyl ! I would suggest you not to do anything to your Son -in-law right now as your daughter needs him.Your daughter needs her childs father and anything husband will affect her and the child very badly.Secretly if you can collect evidences of his deeds but dont inform your daughter now.Wait till she delivers the child and see if he melts down after seeing his child.Just give him time. If still he doesnt change kick him out of your daughter's life,file a case against him do not leave him to escape financially. Take care
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
17 Nov 08
I have considered your suggestion since last year that my daughter discovered their elicit relation.She was not in a difficult situation then.Much more now that she has pregnancy problem.He promised to stop his affair with my daughter's niece.Just for the sake of his 3 children,now it's going to be four.It's only yesterday I have known the sad fact when the girl's sister had serious talk with me.They want to confront my son in law.I beg them to wait till my daughter delivers the baby.It's not really right for me to decide for their future.But I'm always here whenever they need my help.Thank you I've learned some points from you.
1 person likes this
• India
17 Nov 08
Kindly refrai from breaking the bad news to your daughter. Just use it as a blackmail tactic to make your son in law come around and care for your daughter more than ever. For example, men shall always be men,if handled well, he sure can keep your daughter and kid big time happy. Learn to turn the tables, congrats on about to be grandma who knows that a secure future is not parting but reworking.
1 person likes this
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
17 Nov 08
It is really nice to know that I can take my time to be enlightened.This my lot has helped me a lot today.At least I know I'm not alone.I feel light hearted hearing all your sides of the stressing matter I'm in now.Thank you for your time.
1 person likes this
@Ithink (1973)
• United States
17 Nov 08
I so feel for you, I thought we were the only ones that had a rat in the family. He is now the ex and I say good. With us it was his ex girlfriend. Our daughter didnt want to admit to the signs either and stayed with him, at that time they had a little girl. When I started thinking things were going on, my daughter just said no. In the end he was but didnt decide to be honest or break-up until he too got her pregnant with twins! So now she is a single mom with a 2 year old and twin 1 year old boys. He of course moved in and married the other woman. They denied that they did anything and that their gil came 2 months early. Yeah whatever! In the end as much as we wanted to have a blanket party all you really can do is be there for your daughter and help out where possible. I do know how badly you would like to punch the scum thou as I feel the same!
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
19 Nov 08
That is why I'm not as worried and angry as before.I have calmed down my nerves,Now that I've learned I'm not alone in this kind of situation.I will just wait for my daughter to open up.I just have to be ready and always be on her side.I should have not been worried like before at all.That's why we should not let anger rule our system.It's just wasting our energy for them.I'm praying now she will make the right decision in the future.
@Ithink (1973)
• United States
19 Nov 08
You got it, all we can do is wait and be there and hope that they make the right choices. Good luck!
@barehugs (8992)
• Canada
17 Nov 08
Its none of your business if you son-in-law cheating. Who are you to decide how he should live? You raised your daughter as best you could. When she was of age she chose a husband and married him. Since when does a Parent have a say in the lives of his/her married children? Would you want your Parents interfering in your marriage? Well I should say NOT! It can be difficult to contain your feelings in such a situation but this will be a difficult fire to ignite without getting yourself burned. If I were you I'd stay well away from this one!
• United States
17 Nov 08
You would sit back and say nothing when there is a health risk?
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
18 Nov 08
It"s really non of my business If he is cheating.You think so?He is fooling my daughter as well as her niece.Both are part of my family.I am not deciding for them.I do not want to ruin their married life.But what do you want me to do is to stay away from her?Why will I get Burned ?Did I start any fire.If I stay away will they get better.Do you have children?If this happens to her you will stay away from her ?Thanks
@ronaldinu (12456)
• Malta
29 Jan 09
Hi Erssyl. It is a difficult situation. It is a decision that cuts from both ends. Can you have a head to head discussion alone both of you. Can you explain how much he is hurting your and your daughter if she gets to know all about this? I would keep my daughter's pregnancy as a priority. I would not do anything that might jeopardise her health.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
1 Feb 09
Now I can say we have passed the difficult stage in our life.Last January 28 she has given birth through cesarean operation a healthy baby girl.The truth will come out in time I hope they can resolve other issues without me intervening with their life.Still praying for the right guidance for them.
@JenInTN (27575)
• United States
11 Jan 09
I am angry for you right now! Who does he think he is?! I'd punch him alright..a couple of times! I don't know what you should do because in the end your daughter has to choose. The best thing I think is to be there for her and let her know if she wants rid of that jerk then you'll help her.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
12 Jan 09
At this moment I have calmed down and everything seems quite all right.Sooner she will know or she is just composing herself for the sake of the baby inside.I can't just punch him because I'm also a heart patient.I have to keep myself calmed too thanks to all My lot comments my daughter is now scheduled for a cesarean section on January 28,a little more time of sacrifice for both of us.
@riyasam (16583)
• India
11 Jan 09
things might have been sorted out by now.and i think your daughter is sensible and mature enough to notice the tell-tale signs.it would be better if you calmed yourself down .
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
12 Jan 09
Thanks to all the comments I received from My lot.I have calmed myself from the depression.Now I have nothing to fear anymore.She is scheduled for a cesarean section this coming January 28.This only proves time heals wounds.
@poohgal (6851)
• Singapore
14 Dec 08
I think it's alright. If I were you, I might have already given him that PUNCH! He's a jerk. Period. He deserves the Punch. After you Punch him, ask him to leave that woman. If he shows repentance and sincerity, you may want to help to reconcile the relationship between him and your daughter. No parents in the world want to see their kids divorce. However, if he shows no repentance or no sincerity. Such guys are better without. Since he's a professional, a divorce might hurt his career. He may pretend to be sincere so do be careful.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
15 Dec 08
As much as possible I don't want them to get divorce that is why I've controlling my temper ever since I've known about the fact of his cheating.I have made a hint with my daughter about this cause I know she's not too dumb silly about the situation.She agreed not to ask more until she has given birth.Thanks for the time.
@ellie333 (21030)
21 Nov 08
Hi Eryssyl, Your daughters health and that of the baby is of utmost importance now so even though she needs to know the truth perhaps not now would be a good time. Him though I would confront and tell him what you have discovered and ask him just how long he intends to pull the wool of your daughters eyes and when he will confess to her. Once a cheater nearly always a cheater so she was aware of the affair a year ago, it was only a matter of time I guess. I hope al works out and your daughter sees him for what he is and manages to move on with her life once the baby is born. Huggles. Ellie :D
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
22 Nov 08
Yes It's barely 60-90 days to wait for the baby to come out.But I feel it is a long period of time.Whenever I see him I want to give him a big punch as if nothing is wrong with what he is doing.I want to see the place where he is hiding the lady so he can't deny again.I also hope everything will work out fine.Thank you for the time.
@oldboy46 (2133)
• Australia
19 Nov 08
Your daughter is very vulnerable right at the present time so I certainly would not tell her because chances are that if you did, she would not believe you and it could cause a rift between you and her. In fact I do not think you should be the one who tells her at all, especially as she no doubt knows you were not happy that she stayed with him last year after she found out about the affair then. If you could find out where he is secretly living with this other woman, you might be able to do something. Is he no longer living at home with your daughter? If he isn't or comes home later regularly etc, then your daughter must have an idea that something is amiss and that there is a strong chance there is another woman involved. My ex-wife cheated on me and after a while my best friend pl;us another mate told me my wife was having an affair but I did not believe either of them and in fact I had a huge arguement with both of them. The arguements were so bad we did not speak for a very long time - even after I found out the truth. Then my mother said and did a few things which upset me although she didn't say anything about the affair. Eventually my mother told me she would continue loooking after our children, take them to and from school as well as after school activites, cook and wash for the children and me but not for my wife. My mum had given my then wife and I some money when we built our house which was to be part of my inheritance, so she had her solicitor send us a letter demanding the money. That was out of character for my mother and after thinking about the situation, I confronted my ex-wife. She denied it all of course but when my daughters (then aged 5 and 7) talked abouy this man who visited when I was away, I knew the truth. Yes it was a hard time and took me a long time to trust again plus of couse I had to make amends to my two friends who I had argued with. I have to say though that after over 10 years later our friendship is not as good as it once was. So do not tell your daughter what you know, but perhaps guide her in the direction so she finds out for herself. Then you can be there to pick up the pieces of her life because she wil be needing all your support.
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
19 Nov 08
Everything you said is right.It had happened last year when my daughter discovered the affair.After helping them reconcile my daughter and I had a rift for quite some time.The man is a great pretender.He is trying to have two affairs at the same time.And what I hate about it is he is hurting both my daughter and her niece to her father's side.I kept quiet for so long but I did not believed they stopped seeing each other.Till lately, relatives from the province came looking for the lady.And found out that my son in law is still having an affair.I don't intend to tell her now.I'm still praying for the right time to come and solve this mess.Thank you for sharing.I have some enlightenment.
• United States
18 Nov 08
Wow this is not a easy subject, I for one would tell my daughter what I know only because a mothers instinct is to protect her child, and afterwords she will need to make the decisions. My mother always told me she would never interfer in my love life, and I think you should do the same. Just be there and let her make the decision because in the end you don't want to be the cause of your daughter being un-happy. question is there real proof of him cheating or hear say... because that makes a difference also
@Erssyl (617)
• Philippines
19 Nov 08
I never interfered with regards to my children's love life.All of them with their own family now.I'm not the kind of mother in law who makes decision for them.But I'm always there when they need me.I thought it is enough to make every one happy.They have their own family and I always want to see them successful.The answer is no proof needed.They were caught cheating and was only given a chance.I also do not believe in hear say.What I see is what I believe.